Shortie Like Mine

by Ni-Ni Simone

“Yeah, he be throwin’ it on, but hmph, he is so not my type.”

  “Excuse me, Mr. Twenty-three ain’t exactly all that now—”

  “What? You don’t think he’s fine?”

  “He ai’ight, but every time I look at him I see Nelly. And every time I see Nelly, all I hear is, ‘Drop down and getcha eagle on gurl!’ You gon’ be gettin’ yo’ eagle on, Seven?”

  “I will slap you.”

  Shae laughed. “Plus, Josiah kinda irks my nerves.”

  “Josiah gets on your nerves but you can tolerate Melvin?”

  “Exactly, so you tryna see Melvin or what?”

  “You wanna push up?”

  “If you ai’ight with that.”

  “Girl, please. Matter-fact, I’ma hook y’all up. Don’t even worry. The next time he shouts ‘Yo Shawtie,’ he gon’ be talking to you.”

  “Seven—”

  “For real, I got you Shae—”

  “Would you shut up?! Cuties at five o’clock!”

  When I looked to my right it was Josiah and about three of the sexiest lil’ daddies I’d ever seen in my life. Two went to our school and one of them I’d never seen before. I can’t believe he drove all the way up here to see me!

  I looked at Shae, who was grinnin’ so hard that if she moved, she would trip over her front teeth. “RaShaeyah, close your mouth.”

  I started chewing the gum I had stuck on the inside of my cheek. “Welcome to Burger King”—I popped a bubble—“where you can have it your way ...” I sound a hot mess.

  Josiah curled his top lip. “Hit me with a Sprite.”

  Hit him with Sprite ... a Sprite ... he did not just say hit him with a Sprite, ’cause right about now I will do it. Matter-fact, I should take my heart out and punch him in the face with it. I know he hears it beggin’ to be his. I swear, I think he just played me. He wasn’t supposed to say, “Hit me with a Sprite.” He was supposed to say, “Can I get wit’ you, Seven?” I had an answer for that, but now I stood speechless.

  “Yo,” he said as his eyes checked me out but his mouth sounded as if one of his homies died. “Let me get a large Sprite and some fries.” His friends were in Shae’s line, grinning like they’d found gold, and Shae was cheesin’ so hard, I thought I would have to wipe the slob off the side of her mouth, especially when one of them asked for her number and she almost wrote it down on a French fry. “There are other customers in your line.” At that moment, I was hatin’ but I didn’t care.

  “You smell that?” she asked while continuing to smile.

  “What?”

  “Haterraid.”

  All I could do was laugh. “That’ll be three eight five.” I gave Josiah his total. He handed me the money, collected his change, and then he and his friends sat down at one of the tables. Before I could figure out if he came in to torture me or ’cause he was really hungry, I heard a little boy say, “Hey, Bubble Butt,” followed by, “What it do, Fat Mama?” I knew that could only be two people, Man-Man and Cousin Shake. Oh ... my ... God ... !

  Shae placed her hand over her mouth. “Just write down a few words, but I’ll give your eulogy.”

  Cousin Shake and Man-Man stood in front of me.

  “What?” I said through clenched teeth. “Don’t come in here tryin’ to order pizza. We don’t sell hotdogs, and no, we were never Red Lobster. So look at the menu board and place your order. And why you gotta be in my line?” I know I was pouring it on extra thick, but you should’ve seen these two clowns last week when they came in here, wanting a handheld menu and table service.

  “Do I need to speak to a manager in this piece?” Cousin Shake said, as his muscle shirt was starting to creep over the two love handles around his waist. “What happened to the greetin’? Did they outlaw ‘May I help you? Would you like fries with that shake?’ Let me know now, otherwise I’ma have to handle you and find out the reason why you rollin’ yo’ eyes like you straight off a slave ship.”

  Why, God? When I looked at Josiah, he was staring at me, then he quickly diverted his gaze the other way.

  “ ’Cuse me?” Cousin Shake frowned. “I’m over here, that’s ya problem, concentratin’ on them funny lookin’ boys over there! You better look at ’em and say, ‘Not my goodies,’ instead of smiling so hard. I ain’t never seen boys with mo’ hair than girls. Truth be told, when they got hair like that I start looking at how they holding their wrist. I see you over there, Shae. Don’t think I won’t get after you, too.”

  “Yeah, chicken-neck, we see you and Bubble Butt. We can’t help but see you.”

  “Die already!” I said to Man-Man.

  “ ’Least my breath don’t stink, dragon!”

  I took a deep breath and did all I could not to fly over the counter. “Can I ... take ... your order please?”

  “That’s a lil’ better,” Cousin Shake said. “Now, let me see ...” He looked at the menu board. “Y’all got Chinese chicken wings and gravy?”

  All I could do was pound my fist on the counter. “This is Burger King!”

  “That ain’t answering my question.”

  “No.”

  “No, what?”

  “We don’t sell Chinese chicken wings and gravy!”

  “Oh, then I’ll have some fried gizzards.”

  “Yuck.”

  “We don’t sell that, Cousin Shake,” Shae said as she elbowed me. “Five o’clock,” she mumbled.

  “5-O?” Cousin Shake looked around. “You wanna call the cops on me? Do I need to get yo’ mama up in here?”

  I didn’t even respond, I was too busy looking at Josiah and his friends, who were cracking up laughing at Cousin Shake. I was so embarrassed that embarrassed wasn’t even the right word anymore.

  “COUSIN SHAKE, WHAT IS YOUR ORDER?” I didn’t mean to yell so loud, but I couldn’t help it.

  “I don’t believe this!” He snorted. “Here”—he took off his glasses—“put these on and then tell me who in da hell you talkin’ to? Tell me now. Please tell me, so I can jump over that counter and turn Burger King out.”

  “Alright, I’m sorry, Cousin Shake.”

  “Thought so.” He looked down at Man-Man and put his glasses back on. “I feel like I’ve been to work. I told you we shoulda went to Pathmark and bought some ground beef, eggs, and bread.”

  “Naw, Cousin Shake,” Man-Man said, “that’s how you make Egg McMuffins. Don’t nobody want that.”

  Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh ... my ... God ...

  “Never mind,” Cousin Shake said. “I don’t want nothing. You want something, Man-Man?”

  “Naw, let’s go to McDonald’s. I hear they sell shrimp over there.” As they turned to leave, Josiah and his friends were dumping their trash. Josiah hit me with a peace sign on his way out ... and I felt like falling over the counter.

  Somebody pray for me ...

  On the bus ride home, all I could think about was Josiah. Shae thought I was reading too much into how he acted, but I didn’t think so. Maybe he thought I was silly. Or maybe I weighed fifty pounds more than the girl of his dreams.

  By the time I got home, I was exhausted. My heart had passed out at least three times and in my mind, I kept saying, Yes, I love him. No, I can’t stand him. Yes, I want him, no, I don’t. Yes, he has a girlfriend, but she doesn’t appreciate him ... and on and on it went. If I didn’t know any better, I would swear I needed a cigarette.

  Cousin Shake was stretched out on the couch asleep, with the hem of his pants looking as if a flood had come through, his muscle shirt rolled completely over his beer belly, his glasses pulled down the bridge of his nose, and a GQ magazine laying on his chest.

  I knew he would try to stay up and wait for me. He always does, especially since my mother’s usually at work. He likes to make sure I’m here safe, eating dinner, taking a bath, finishing my homework, and before he says goodnight, he argues about how McDonald’s is putting Burger King to sleep.

  As I passed by my mother’s room, I saw her in bed reading. What was s
he doing home? Immediately I wondered where the heck Toi was.

  “Ma, don’t you have to work?”

  “I have days off.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us?”

  “ ’Cause the last time I checked, I was the mama.”

  “Well, excuse me.” I laughed.

  “You’re excused. Now come here. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a month.”

  When I walked in her room, my brother was laying at her feet and I mushed him on the head.

  “Monkey dog!” He looked at me and made a face.

  “Ah un rudeness! But it’s okay, ’cause that’s how you act when you’re adopted.”

  “All right now, Seven,” Mommy said sternly. “And no, Amir. Before you ask, you were not adopted. Now go take a bath and then you can come back for five minutes before you go to bed.”

  “Stupid!” he shouted in my face and ran out the room.

  “Now, you,” Mommy said, “how was your day?” Instantly my face lit up.

  My mother stared at me for a moment. She took her glasses off and laughed. She was the prettiest person I knew. Most people said I was the spitting image of her, and for the first time, with the exception of her not having dimples, I could kind of see it. “Who is he?” She patted her bed for me to sit down. I hated that she could see right through me.

  “Nobody.” I scooted next to her and she put her arm around me.

  “Fat Mama, are you telling me the truth?” She reached on her nightstand, grabbed her Pepsi, and started drinking it.

  “No.” I felt like the goofiest kid in the world.

  “Then tell me. If you tell me, then I’ll tell you.”

  “About what?!” I said, excited. “You got a boyfriend?! And I didn’t do the hook-up? Man-Man and Cousin Shake are gon’ die.”

  “I do not need you hooking me up, thank you. Trust me, divorcing your daddy is hard enough.”

  “Oh.” I hated when she reminded me that my daddy was no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over a year. His job relocated and so did he ... California someplace. Besides, ever since he cheated on my mother and had another baby, I refused to talk to him. My daddy still calls every weekend trying to get me or my sister on the phone, but I avoid him and Toi is never home when he calls. Man-Man is the only one who gives him the time of day. “Then what is it?”

  “Nope, tell me first.”

  I sighed. “Okay ... okay ... okay ... okay ...”

  “Can you stop saying okay and talk?”

  I took a deep breath. Finally, I was going to admit this to somebody other than Shae. “I think I’m ’bout to be married.”

  “What?!” Her soda flew out her mouth as if she were spraying air freshener,

  “Not literally, Ma. God!”

  “Oh.” She grabbed a Kleenex and wiped her mouth. “Well, you better make me understand, because you’re going to college and that’s that. We’re going on the black college tour and everything next year. I’m already packed. And no sex!”

  “Huh? Where did that come from?”

  “I just threw that in there. Now, who is he?”

  “I don’t even wanna tell you now.”

  “Would you tell me?” She laughed. “Okay, I’ll try for five minutes to not be your mother.”

  “Uhmm hmm.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Josiah ...” I mumbled.

  “Who?”

  “Josiah ...”

  “Biblical name, very nice. Now, do I know him?”

  “No, he goes to my school. But I’ve been knowing him since I was about eleven and he was thirteen. He’s a senior now.”

  “A senior? Is he going to college?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You better find out ... otherwise, keep it movin’!”

  “Maaaaaa ... would you stop preachin’ and listen? Didn’t you say five minutes without you being my mother?”

  “Okay, you got three minutes left. Now, is he saying you feel me after every other word?”

  “No, he doesn’t talk like that.”

  “Good. Is Cousin Shake gon’ yell ‘Take cover’ when he comes in the house?”

  “No.”

  “Is he smart?”

  “I didn’t ask to see his report card.”

  “Well, I need a copy.”

  “Maaaaa!”

  “Alright.” She laughed. “Now, on to the important stuff. Is he cute?”

  “Ma ... he’s so fine,” I said in the dreamiest voice I could muster up, “that I’m tempted to call him pretty.”

  She leaned back against her iron headboard. “That’s the same thing I said about your daddy.”

  “Ill.” I was disgusted. “Ma, please, stop the visual.”

  “Excuse you, your father is very handsome. Anyway, back to Mr. Pretty. When am I meeting him and his mama ... and daddy, if he has one.”

  “See Ma.” Already I was embarrassed. “Why you gotta be swat team on him?”

  “ ’Cause you’re my child.”

  “But you don’t need to know all those people.”

  “Yes, I do,” she assured me. “ ’Cause if they’re crazy, then he’s crazy too. And we gon’ get rid of the drama early.”

  “That ain’t right, Ma. You don’t even know the boy and already you thinking he might be crazy ...” I fell out laughing. “Now, what’s your news?”

  “I’m going to be starting a new job so I can be home a little more.”

  Immediately all my laughing stopped. “Really? Did you tell my sister?”

  “I haven’t seen your sister.”

  “Did you call her cell phone?”

  “Uhmm hmm, I sure did. I called her before I got home and she told me she was in the bed.”

  “Oh.” At least she didn’t lie.

  “Don’t you worry about your sister. Ya mama got this. Remember, I was sixteen before. Now go on and get ready for bed.”

  “I have to finish my homework first.”

  “Well then, do that and then go to bed.”

  “Alright.” I practically flew out the room. I needed to call Toi before she climbs in the window tomorrow morning and catches a beat-down. As soon as I ran down the hall, I walked right into Man-Man, who stood there with a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup filled with water and ice. And just as I went to scream, “Mommy!!!!!” he threw it ... all ... in ... my ... face ...

  All I could do was stand there. “I’m ... gon’ ... kick yo’ ...”

  5

  Shoulda known better than to think I would leave ...

  —MONICA, “YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER”

  “Seven, get up!” I did all I could to get my mother out of my dream with Josiah, but she wouldn’t leave us alone. “Wake up, Seven.” My hips shook. “Wake up!”

  “Hmmm,” I said groggily. I wanted to get back to dreamin’, but instead I opened one eye slowly and looked at her.

  “Where is your sister?”

  “At the library.” I turned over, pulled the covers over my head, and did all I could to drift back to sleep.

  “Seven! Wake up!” She pulled the covers off.

  “Ma!!” I sat up. “I didn’t leave those dishes in the sink.”

  “Seven.” She patted me on the cheek. “You’re dream drunk. Wake up.”

  “I’m woke.” I rubbed my eyes. “I’m up.”

  “It’s two o’clock in the morning. Where is your sister?”

  I looked at the clock for confirmation and then I looked at Toi’s bed, which was empty. “She’s sleep.” I grabbed my pillow, put it over my face, and fell straight back onto the bed.

  “Do you hear me talking to you?!”

  “Ma, for real, I don’t know.” I mumbled under the pillow and my mother snatched it off.

  “Let me tell you something.” My mother placed her hands on her hips, squinted her eyes, and spoke while biting into her bottom lip. “Lie to me again and see what happens! Now you got two seconds to tell me where she is before I do an operation on you called bea
t-down! Now unless you wanna catch it, like you a woman off the street steppin’ to me, you will tell me where she is by the time I count to two or else you will need assistance to breathe. One ...”

  “At Qua’s over on Nye.” I hate I let her punk me!

  “What?! How long has this been going on? And what kind of mother would allow her eighteen-year-old son to have his sixteen-year-old girlfriend spend the night?!”

  “That’s a good question.”

  “You being smart?”

  “No.”

  “Didn’t think so. Now give me the exact address.”

  My eyes widened. “You not going over there?” I knew Toi had asked for it, but dang, who wants their mother dragging them out of their boyfriend’s house? I was embarrassed for her. I’d almost rather if Cousin Shake came and got me. At least I would know he was all talk, but my mother ... there’s no telling what she would do. “Ma, you’re scaring me. You can’t go over there. Do you see what time it is? You going on Nye ... alone?”

  “I’m not going alone.”

  “Well ... who are you going with?”

  “You.”

  I don’t think so ... not the kid. She had to be joking. “Ma, for real, who are you going with?”

  My mother flipped on my bedroom light. “Get up!”

  “Ma, can’t we just call her and tell her to come home?”

  “If I tell you to get up again, I’ma knock you straight through the next two years. And when I get over there and get a hold of this boy’s mama, whooool, all of Newark is gon’ know about me.”

  “Ma”—I stood up—“you don’t understand.” My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. “You can’t be going around Newark beating up people’s mamas.”

  “Oh, yeah?” she said sarcastically. “Hmph, we gon’ see. Y’all think I’ma joke. But let me tell you now I’m not losing ya’ll to no streets.”

  “Maybe she’s at the store.”

  “Shut up, Seven, ’cause all that’s open this time of night are legs.”

  “But Maaaaaaaaa.” I stomped my feet like I was five again. “He doesn’t live with his mother. He lives alone.” I can’t believe I let that slip out.

  “Alone? At eighteen?”

  “Yes—no—yes.” I was not doing well with covering up.