Clipped Wings

by Helena Hunting

  I didn’t express those thoughts, though. It didn’t matter if it was true. He would still carry the blame, just as I would always know my truth.

  “Did they ever find the person who did it?” I asked.

  “No. For a while I wondered if it was someone I knew, or maybe someone who knew my dad. Only the rooms upstairs had been messed with. But some rookie cop processed the evidence incorrectly, so it ended up inadmissible. They closed the case.”

  “Wasn’t there anything they could do?”

  Hayden scoffed. “And make the CPD culpable for their fuckup? Not a chance.”

  I understood better Hayden’s disdain for rules, given that they had failed him so entirely. How long had he tried to expel the cancerous emotions that ate him from the inside out? His armor of ink and steel protected him; it kept most at a distance. Getting to know the man underneath would never be easy. And yet here he was, letting me in, hoping I would do the same. We were both slaves to the guilt we harbored. The damage was so profound on both sides. I worried we might never reach a middle ground where we could find freedom from our pasts.

  “You need another break,” Hayden said.

  I began to protest, but he cut me off. “We’ve been at it for close to two hours. The right side is finished. You need to stretch before we start up again.” His tone left no room for negotiation.

  Now that I was well beyond the point of backing out, I should have felt relieved. This was what I wanted. But after what Hayden divulged, I was suddenly filled with fear and remorse. He had given me exactly what I’d asked for. He would expect the same in return, but the more ink he added, the more vulnerable I felt. There was a chance I might shatter if I revealed too much.

  Holding the towel tightly, I took Hayden’s offered hand. Once upright, I wobbled, my right hip sore.

  “Stiff?” he asked, holding me steady at the waist.

  I leaned into him, using him for balance. “A little.”

  His hands dropped lower, thumbs anchored above my pelvic bone while he rubbed slow circles into the tight muscles at my hips. Reveling in the touch and humming with appreciation, I rested my head on his chest as he massaged the ache away.

  “Better?” he asked.

  I put more weight on my right leg; the stiffness had eased some. “Yes.”

  He shrugged off his button-down shirt and draped it over my shoulders. I pushed my arms through the too-long sleeves. I waited patiently as he rolled them up to my wrists and fastened the buttons. My response to his touch was amplified by what I couldn’t have. Reading my mind, he tilted my chin up and lowered his mouth to mine. “Don’t worry, kitten. We’ll survive a week.”

  * * *

  When I returned from the bathroom I found him in the main shop, talking animatedly with Lisa. She saw me first, smiling when she noticed my attire.

  “Hayden says you’re a pro.”

  I blushed at the compliment. “I don’t know about that, but I think I’m holding my own.” The right side of my back stung, like a fresh sunburn. Hayden’s reference to catharsis made sense now, but I feared the point where the internal and external pain matched in intensity. “We should get at it.” He ushered me back into the private room.

  Hayden must have sensed my anxiety over the second half of the session.

  “It’s probably best if I start at the bottom of the wing and work toward your shoulder. You’ve been amazing so far, but I think if we get the most painful part out of the way, you might be able to relax better through the rest.”

  He passed me a stress ball to squeeze when it became too much to handle. Hayden enforced breaks every fifteen minutes or so, rubbing my arm and telling me how well I was doing. The pain was almost intolerable. I wasn’t sure how I would manage if he had to go over it multiple times before the ink took.

  When we made it past the difficult areas, Hayden asked the question I’d hoped to avoid. “Will you tell me about the accident now?”

  No. “What do you want to know?”

  “Would I be right to assume the scar on your hip and the ones on your back happened at the same time?” he prompted.

  “They did.” I compartmentalized the memories, pushing them down, willing myself to stay in the present.

  “A while back, you said your mom passed away . . .” he trailed off.

  “She was with me.”

  “Anyone else?” He turned off the tattoo machine, his attention focused on me.

  “My dad was there, too.”

  “And he’s okay?” Hayden asked. His hope made my heart ache even more.

  I shook my head. Tears made him blurry.

  “Oh, kitten.” He stripped off his gloves and stroked my cheek. “What happened? Were you in a car accident?”

  “We were on a plane. The engine failed.” I barely managed to get the words out.

  His mouth went slack. “It crashed?”

  I nodded. A tidal wave of emotion rose in me. I’d fought so hard against it, keeping it from pulling me under. I hadn’t considered the possibility that I might find someone who would understand what I had endured and want me anyway, even though I wasn’t whole. For the first time since the crash, I wanted to believe Hayden might empathize with me over the guilt I carried . . . that he might not reject me for my cowardice.

  “How did you survive? Wait. You don’t have to answer that. I’m so fucking sorry. I should know better.” He wiped at my tears, but they kept coming, the dam broken. “I’m sorry I pushed. I won’t ask any more questions tonight, okay? I promise. I’ll just let it be for now. I’m so sorry.”

  He was frantic in his attempt to calm me. His hands were on my face, in my hair, stroking down my arms. I stilled them with my own, his anxiety canceling mine out.

  “It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.” I repeated the phrase in my head until it was true.

  “You don’t have to be okay. I know it’s hard,” Hayden said, kissing my forehead.

  I shook my head in denial. He didn’t know anything. I’d omitted the most significant details to make telling him bearable.

  He rearranged me carefully until I was facing him. I didn’t resist. I wanted his comfort; craved it. One hand rested low on my waist, the other curved around the back of my neck, and he pulled me into his lap. It was the closest he could get to a hug. I, on the other hand, wrapped myself around him and held on tight.

  “Thank you for telling me,” he whispered.

  When my tears dried up, he gave me the option to stop for the night or finish the outline. I chose the latter. It didn’t take long. He was right about the pain; it was all relative. In comparison to what I’d been through, four hours of discomfort was nothing.

  When he finished, he turned off the tattoo machine and set it down. His eyes moved over my back, inspecting the art with a critical eye. “We’re done,” he said, satisfied.

  “Can I see?” I asked.

  “Of course.”

  Once again he helped me out of the chair and led me to the three-way mirror. The level of detail was breathtaking. I couldn’t tear my eyes away, too caught up in the dark beauty of the wings now etched into my skin.

  “Tenley?”

  “Hm?” I glanced at him; he was chewing on his viper bites.

  “Are you happy with it?” he asked.

  “It’s stunning.” No longer concerned with modesty, I tossed the towel on the chair. “Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and tugged, bringing his mouth down. My emotions were out of control. I wanted him closer, I wanted to push him away. I wanted him inside me, erasing the pain that shredded my insides and echoed over my back.

  Hayden’s kiss was gentle, his touch soft. “You’re welcome. Now, why don’t you let me dress the tattoo?”

  “Okay.” Even though he still wore gloves, I laced my fingers through his, unwilling to break our connection. It was the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

  It hurt when he wiped over the ink a final time and slathered it in a salve. Next, he c
overed it with plastic wrap and taped it down as an added layer of protection. He talked about aftercare as he worked and I tried to listen, but I kept zoning out. As the adrenaline faded, I was left aching and exhausted.

  Once the tattoo was dressed, Hayden helped me into my shirt and fastened the buttons.

  “Let’s get you home, kitten.” He opened the door, stepped into the hall, and froze. “Mother of fuck.”

  A tall, thin woman with bleached blond hair stood across from Lisa. Her makeup was over the top, as though she expected to be on camera, or maybe a stage. The way she leaned over the counter made her micro-miniskirt ride perilously high on her thigh. Chris’s client couldn’t stop staring, which made me wonder what kind of show she was providing. Even though it was mid-October, she wore a sequined tank top that exposed an inch of midriff. It could have covered more if her chest hadn’t been quite so disproportionately massive, stretching out the material until it looked like it might split at the seams.

  There was a huge tattoo on her shoulder that traveled up the side of her neck and wrapped around her biceps. From where I stood, it looked like a snake. It was definitely Hayden’s design. I hated her immediately.

  Hayden stepped in front of me, blocking her from view. His hands clenched into fists. “Let’s go out the back,” he said quietly, like he wanted to escape notice.

  My stomach turned at the shift in his mood. “Who is that?”

  “No one I want to introduce you to.”

  “Hayden! There you are! Lisa and I were just talking about you.”

  Hayden closed his eyes. “I’m with a client,” he said stiffly as he turned to face her.

  “I see that. But it looks like you’re done with her now.” She spoke to him as if every word had underlying meaning I wasn’t privy to. Her hot pink smile seemed forced as her eyes shifted away from Hayden and raked over me. I moved to stand beside him, and when my fingers brushed the back of his hand, he snatched it away. The action spoke volumes.

  The tension in the room was palpable. Jamie looked irate, Lisa helpless, and Chris utterly disconcerted. Fury radiated from Hayden like a force field.

  “You should go home and take some Tylenol,” he said to me through gritted teeth.

  “That’s a good idea.” I tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn’t look at me. I couldn’t understand his reaction, and confusion gave way to hurt when he continued to avoid eye contact. My stomach bottomed out, anxiety pushing its way to the surface. The woman across the room was nothing like me, and they obviously knew each other—how well, I couldn’t be sure. Now that he knew what he had to take on when it came to me, I was terrified he wouldn’t be interested anymore. I hadn’t even told him the worst part yet.

  He started to usher me toward the back, but I skirted around him and headed to the front of the studio, right for the woman who eyed me with curious contempt.

  I stared right back.

  Her smile was malicious as I passed her and pushed the door open, cold fall air hitting my overheated face.

  “Well, well, Hayden, I guess I know what you’ve been busy with lately.”

  A gust of wind slammed the door shut before Hayden responded.

  19

  HAYDEN

  I watched Tenley walk out of the shop and there was nothing I could do about it. If Sienna figured out there was something going on between us, she would find a way to exploit it, and I couldn’t risk losing what Tenley and I had, given how tenuous I sensed it was.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, unable to mask my frustration.

  “I need a touch-up, and I was thinking about getting a new piece. You haven’t worked me over in a long time.” She twirled a lock of hair around her finger, unconcerned with the audience.

  But that was how Sienna worked; the more people there were to witness one of her epic displays of bitchery, the better the show she put on. I looked past her as the lights came on in Tenley’s apartment. I needed to get over there and run interference. She had to be wondering what the hell was going on, and with all that new ink and the revelations tonight, she would be on edge. I was.

  “You’re tight with Damen. Why don’t you talk to him about it?”

  “Don’t be like that, Hayden. We both know he doesn’t have what I need.” She ran her finger along the neckline of her top, which exposed a ridiculous amount of cleavage. It was meant to be seductive. It had the reverse effect. If my dick could have crawled up inside my body to get away from her, it would have.

  “What are you really here for? Or did you just come to stir up shit?” I asked.

  “I came by to visit with friends and this is the kind of reception I get? I’m hurt.”

  “Drop the act, Sienna. No one’s buying your crap.” I needed her to leave. Tenley had kept it together well enough during the session, even with my stupid fucking inquisition. But it was like the calm before the storm. Her small breakdown when she told me about the plane crash could be a precursor for something far more intense. I wanted to be there in case it happened.

  Sienna pushed away from the counter and sashayed over to me. “Are you still mad at me about the last time we chatted? You really need to learn how to let things go.” When she tried to put her hands on me, I caught her wrists.

  “Easy, honey, you’re all fired up tonight, aren’t you?” Sienna said, loud enough so only I could hear. “Is that little girl you just sent home causing problems for you? Is she making you wish you weren’t so fucked up?”

  Sienna knew exactly what to say to push my buttons. I let her go and stepped back. “It must be hard, Sienna, knowing that as fucked up as I might be, I still don’t want you.”

  She leaned in close, her spite like a shadow rising around her. “Always lying to yourself, Hayden. It’s just a matter of time before you come back. Maybe I won’t be interested anymore. You’re not as fun as you used to be.”

  “It’s been over a year. When are you gonna get it?” I seethed. “I’d rather stick my dick in a cheese grater.”

  Sienna laughed, enjoying my anger. “Wow. You’re really uptight. When was the last time you got laid?”

  “Keep pushing,” I warned.

  “And what? Are you gonna get rough with me? Show me you’re the man?”

  “We both know that’s not how I roll. Now I suggest you get the fuck out of my shop before I call the police for solicitation. You’re certainly dressed for the part,” I said, burning her the only way I could.

  “You never used to mind.”

  “That’s because I never gave a shit about you or who you put out for.”

  “Not even Chris?”

  My fists clenched and I took an involuntary step toward her.

  “Hayden!” Lisa came out from behind the counter. No matter how angry I was, I would never actually hit Sienna. Lisa should know that better than anyone else, so her reaction pissed me off even more.

  I threw my hands up. “I’m outta here.”

  I turned and headed for the rear exit. I slammed my palms into the release bar and threw open the door so hard that it smashed into the brick wall and ricocheted, almost hitting my shoulder on the rebound. Sienna kept shooting off her mouth as I walked away, but I ignored her, because the alternative would make me hate myself.

  “It’s time to go, Sienna,” Jamie said as Lisa called after me to stop.

  The door closed with a metallic bang. I kicked the closest object. The garbage bag went airborne and hit the wall, splitting open. Paper and other items littered the ground like entrails. It didn’t make me feel better at all.

  Chris slipped out into the alley. “Jamie’s getting rid of her. You all right, H?”

  “No. I’m not all right.” I paced the alley, frustrated. I hated how easy it was for her to get under my skin. “Why today? Why when I have Tenley in the shop?” I wanted to throttle Sienna. “Why is she always fucking up my shit?”

  “Because that’s what she’s good at.”

  It annoyed the crap out of me that Chris was rig
ht. It was such a fucking embarrassment that she had been the one person I’d kept going back to and for no other reason than to get off. I didn’t want that time when I’d been completely out of control to come back and bite me in the ass. I finally had something that felt real with Tenley; messing it up wasn’t an option.

  “She’s like a fucking parasite.” I wheeled around, pointing an accusatory finger at Chris. “If you hadn’t pushed me to go to The Dollhouse, I never would have seen her and she wouldn’t be here ruining my life again.”

  Chris raised his hands in the air. “I get that you’re pissed, brother, but don’t start blaming me for your issues.”

  I was itching for a fight and Chris was the only person volatile enough to make it happen. Jamie came outside before I had a chance to do something really stupid.

  He surveyed the scene. “Chris, can you help Lisa close up? I’ve got it from here.”

  Chris turned away and pushed past Jamie. “I don’t know why the fuck I even bother with him.”

  I went to follow, but Jamie put a hand on my chest and the door slammed shut. “You need to calm down.”

  “That bitch ruins everything.”

  “I’m not going to argue with you, but she’s not the real problem right now. Take a breath, man.”

  He held on to my shoulder, talking me down from the ledge I’d climbed up on. Christ, I was acting like a lunatic. I took a few deep breaths and then a few more, so ramped up at first I could barely think.

  “What the hell is wrong with me?”

  Sure, I got irritable and pissy, but I didn’t fly off the handle and kick the shit out of garbage bags. It was bad enough I’d tried to pick another fight with Chris. I’d be lucky if he didn’t quit or take Damen up on his offer and go work for him again.

  Jamie gave me a wry smile. “You really want me to go there?”

  “It’s not funny. I’m losing it. I need to talk to Tenley.” I tried to get around him.

  “Whoa, hold up there. You need to get yourself together before you go check on her,” Jamie said. “You go see her in your current state and it’s going to make things a whole lot worse.”