by M. N. Forgy
I position my black bikini top and notice I have tan lines. I lay on my stomach and untie the back of my top in attempt to get my tan even. I really wish I could find my iPod. My emotions are running so hot and cold right now I can’t make out how I feel about anything in my life. Music would help settle my racing thoughts.
***
“Hey, I brought Chinese food.” I spring up to the sound of a voice and see the sun is setting and Bobby holding a brown paper bag.
“Fuck me,” he mutters, looking at me with heavy eyes. I look down at what he is staring at and notice I am topless.
“Shit!” I yell, grabbing my top. I press it to my chest and run toward the bedroom.
“Shit. Shit, Shit,” I chastise myself, running into the room and slamming the door. I grab a red shirt from the closet and slip it on. It hangs off my shoulder and goes to my hips.
“Ouch!” I scream at the piercing burn coming from the fabric scratching at my skin. I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror. Noticing my face is a little red, I turn and pull the shirt up and see my back is really red. I can’t believe I fell asleep out there; now I’m burnt to a crisp.
“Everything okay, Firefly?” Bobby’s tone is concerned as he comes into the room.
“Yeah, I’m just sunburnt,” I say, lowering my shirt. Bobby walks into the bathroom, his large body taking charge of the room. He leans down, opens the bottom cabinet to the sink and pulls out a bottle of green aloe.
“Turn,” Bobby demands, twirling his finger for me to turn my back toward him. I turn slowly, still a little embarrassed he just saw my naked breasts. Bobby pulls the back of my shirt up and plasters his large hands on my back. The green jelly feels like ice, making my body wince from his touch.
“Sorry,” he says, rubbing the aloe in. “Falling asleep on the deck is easy to do. I’ve done it a time or two,” he says, rubbing the jelly upward. My eyes catch his in the mirror; his blue eyes are staring back at me. My breath catches when his fingers graze the soft tissue of the side of my breast. I look over my shoulder, gaze at Bobby, his eyes daring, and hooded. My stomach flips at the thought that Bobby might find me attractive, that he may want me, but with the mess I’m in, I can’t pull him down with me, and as messed-up as it seems, I still love Shadow. As if Bobby could read my thoughts, he pulls away the same time I do.
Bobby clears his throat as he wipes his hands on his jeans. “I got us some grub, you hungry?”
“Yeah, starving, actually,” I respond. The situation feeling awkward, I make my way out of the bathroom.
I walk into the living room and sit on the floor as Bobby hands me a container of Chinese food. He sits next to me on the floor, crossing his long legs at the ankles while he plunges his fork into his own container.
“I grabbed us a few movies. This one is supposed to be funny,” he says, grabbing the remote off the couch.
“I could go for a laugh,” I say, looking into my plastic container and finding Lo Mein noodles, my favorite.
We sit in silence, watching TV and eating dinner. Every now and then, one of us will laugh when something silly happens in the movie.
“Need a drink or anything, Firefly?” Bobby asks, standing up and heading toward the kitchen.
“Yeah, sure,” I say, slurping a noodle in my mouth.
Bobby hands me a beer and sits on the floor. “Thanks, Bobby,” I say. “Bobby, is that your real name?” I inquire, taking another bite.
“No,” he replies smiling. “Not a fan of my first name. That’s the reason why everyone calls me Bobby,” he explains while taking a huge swig from his beer.
“Ah, come on, tell me.” I nudge his shoulder, trying to urge him to open up.
Bobby chuckles. “Robert,” he says, taking a mouth full of noodles.
“Robert?” I question with a raised brow.
Bobby nods with pursed lips. I observe his features, his blond, wavy, surfer-like hair and blue eyes; his big, beefy arms with tattoos; I even notice his big, plush lips.
“Yeah, you don’t look like a Robert,” I laugh with a scrunched face.
“Yeah, my whole name is Robert Zane Whitfield,” he says with distaste.
“I like the Zane, but not a fan of the Robert,” I say smiling.
“I’ve been called worse things,” he jokes.
Sitting quietly, I notice I haven’t seen Doc around, or heard much about her from Bobby, either.
“Where’s Doc?
Bobby shakes his head. “She’s complicated.”
“More complicated than Shadow and me?” I ask with a grin.
Bobby laughs. “Possibly.”
He sets his empty container next to the couch behind him as he wipes his mouth with his hand, the sound of the scruff rubbing against his palm.
“We start getting along great, but she always pulls back.” Bobby’s tone sounds defeated, like he can’t figure it out.
“What happened?” I ask, setting my empty container down.
“I told her I wanted to meet her daughter one day.” He looks up at me with a whimsical look. “She froze, told me it wasn’t in her best interest to allow me to get involved with her daughter or for us to go that far in whatever we have.” He cracks his knuckles, the sound of it making my body shiver.
“That sucks.” I try to offer something more empathetic, but really I can understand her decision. Bobby is involved in a club, which is criminal and makes enemies left and right.
“Think I’m just a fuck buddy to her,” he says, running his hands through his golden hair. “Fine with me, though,” Bobby laughs, gaining an eye roll from me. Sneaking a look at him, I notice his eyes squint at the corner with concern. I wonder what their story is.
We finish our beers while continuing small chitchat. I learned Bobby hates surfing, loves football, but hates baseball. He loves animals and will eat just about anything. His whole attitude is different from Shadow; Bobby is carefree and light, where Shadow is dark and complicated.
After the third movie, I can barely keep my eyes open and start to nod off.
I wake up to large arms under my legs and neck, lifting me from the floor.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask half-asleep.
“Taking you to bed, Firefly,” Bobby says, his voice awake and alert. I feel my body shift with every step. His body is hard and lean against mine, making me feel small. I can’t help but notice the smell of exhaust and coconuts in the crook of his neck.
I feel my body placed on the bed and the blanket pulled over me.
“I enjoyed tonight, Bobby. Thanks,” I mumble. It was nice having some kind of human interaction. As much as I wish it was Shadow, I think it’s time to realize that Shadow and I wouldn’t be anything less than carnage.
“Yeah, we should do it again,” Bobby says, his tone sincere. He heads toward the door and begins to close it.
“Night, Firefly.”
SHADOW
I sit in my usual seat in the back, away from other customers and the action. The leather is cracked in my chair and it smells like cheap perfume, but it’s not as loud back here. It doesn’t really matter where I sit, though; the girls always seem to flock toward me. The lighting is dimmed to a seductive glow, the air filled with fog and the room littered with half-naked girls, horny men, and loud music.
“Hey, Shadow,” one of the strippers says, walking my way.
“Hey, Jasmine,” I say casually. Jasmine has dark hair, green eyes and is wearing a black, sheer robe over her naked body. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination, as I can see everything. I notice Bobby sit in the chair next to me. I look over and give him a nod as he stares Jasmine down.
“Haven’t seen you here for a while,” Jasmine says, sitting on my lap uninvited. I look at her face as she turns and smiles at me, her green eyes catching me by the balls. I came here hoping to escape Dani, and I still manage to fall face-first into her.
“Hey, babe, why don’t you get us our usual,” Bobby suggests to Jasmine.
Jasmine gets up from my lap instantly. “You got it, babe,” she throws over her shoulder as her eyes flirt with Bobby. Her green eyes make me see Dani rather than this slutty stripper. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shake away anything Dani out of my head.
“You asked me to come here, Bobby, so what’s up?” I ask, eyeing the girls on stage dancing for a quick buck. A blonde, busty girl winks at me as she grips the chrome pole and swings her legs around it, making her whole body circle it.
“Just worried about you, man; thought you could use getting out,” he says with sincerity. I don’t need his empathy.
“Worry about your own shit, I’m fine,” I say, my tone cold and angry.
“Whatever you say, brother,” Bobby chuckles. He knows I’m anything but fine; sometimes I hate how well we know each other.
“How is Dani doing?” I ask.
“She’s all right. She’s trying to get a job right now,” Bobby says, adjusting his pants as the blonde grinds the pole center stage.
“Can’t find one?” I ask, looking in his direction. I find it hard to believe we can’t get her a job. We have connections everywhere.
“Nah, not any she wants,” Bobby answers. “I think she’s looking for a job she can settle down and make a career with, I’m not -”
“She wants to dance,” I say, interrupting Bobby. He eyes me awkwardly. “Like ballet. She told me she loves to dance ballet. She was going to help teach little kids or some shit in New York before her mother stepped in.” I look over and see Jasmine hand Bobby his drink before handing me mine.
“So, Shadow, you going to take me in the back and show me a good time?” Jasmine asks, eyeing me with those green eyes. Looking into those pools of green, all I can think of, all I can see, is Dani. How much I miss her. How I want to smell her scent of peaches and feel her wrapped around my cock.
“Yeah. Let’s go,” I say, standing up. She links her skinny little fingers through mine and pulls me toward the back into a private room.
Dani
The sun is out and burning bright as we ride into town. Bobby woke me up after sleeping until noon, telling me he had a job lined up for me somewhere. I’m nervous; who knows what kind of job Bobby found. I can’t help but notice the unease I feel riding on the back of his bike. I hate feeling like I’m breaking a club law when I don’t even belong to Shadow anymore. The motorcycle roars forward, snapping me from my thoughts as we turn into a parking lot full of businesses. I climb off the bike and hand Bobby my helmet.
“There it is,” Bobby says, pointing through the lot. I look in that direction and notice a two-story building. It has a large, glass front and the foundation is made of clay-colored bricks. I look at the sign and almost lose my lunch.
‘Of The Ballet’
It’s a ballet studio.
“Shadow mentioned something about you liking ballet, so some strings were pulled to get you the job,” he says, putting his helmet on the bike.
“Who pulled some strings?” I ask as I stare at the building in awe.
“Come on, you’re going to be late,” he states, tugging on my arm and ignoring my question.
I walk in the door and a bunch of little girls in leotards, smiling and giggling, run out with their parents. I notice mirrors plastering the walls, with ballet barres along them. The ceiling is high with windows along the top, filtering in a generous amount of sunlight. On the right of us sits a curved desk with a pair of ballet slippers hanging in a display case on the wall amongst medals and awards.
“Ah, you must be Dani?” a voice from behind a desk asks.
“Yes,” I say, smiling, standing on my tiptoes to see over the desk.
A woman stands from behind the desk and walks toward me. She is tall and thin with a pale complexion. Her blonde hair is pulled into a tight bun, and she has honey-colored eyes.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Mila.” She darts her thin hand out to shake.
“Hi,” I say, shaking her hand back.
“You’re here about a job, right?” she asks.
“Yes,” I respond with a kind smile. She leans to the side and eyes Bobby standing behind me before looking back at me.
“Do you have any experience?” she asks.
“I have practiced ballet since I was a little girl,” I inform.
“Right. Show me,” she says, crossing her arms, no humor to be found in her tone.
I look over my shoulder and see Bobby standing there watching me, so I look back at Mila and take a deep breath.
I stand in the fifth position, the sides of my feet touching, and my toes pointing to the opposite foot’s heel. Balancing on my left leg, I slowly lift my right foot off the floor at a forty-degree angle. I turn out my right hip and straighten my right kneecap. Then, I lift myself to stand on my toes, my left foot into an en pointe—as much as I can without the proper shoes—while I point my toes on my right foot. I lift one arm up while bowing the other out from my body. I smile because even after not practicing for as long as I have, my body immediately remembers. I let my frame ease as my foot screams from my en pointe, and my calves burn from not being used in a while.
“Arabesque, very nice,” she says smiling. “We have different ballet slippers in the back you can use, along with a leotard until you can buy your own,” she says, pointing toward a door to the side of us. “I’m going to start you off with the younger girls, three times a week. When we need filling in, you work with the older girls. You start tomorrow,” she explains, handing me papers to fill out.
“Thank you so much!” I enthuse, shaking her hand just a little too eagerly. I cannot believe I just landed my dream job, finally getting to do what I love. I never thought I would wear another pair of ballet slippers again.
“You’re welcome. Get those papers filled out before you return, Dani.” She turns and walks back behind her desk just as the phone starts to ring.
“Yes!” I yell out and slap Bobby’s arm. “I got the job. I cannot believe it.” I say, letting out a breath as we leave the studio.
“Sounds like we need to celebrate, Firefly,” Bobby says, smiling wolfishly.
“Hell yes!” I say, laughing.
SHADOW
Looking at the reflection in the mirror, all I see is a monster staring at me, an ugly regret looking back. When Jasmine took me in the back room at the strip club last night, all I could see was Dani’s green eyes looking over the shoulder of a complexion that reminded me of my Firefly. I closed my eyes and imagined her laugh, her smile and smart mouth. Then the bitch spoke, and I opened my eyes and saw anything but Dani; I saw a mistake smiling back at me. I pulled my pants up and got the fuck out of there, leaving Bobby behind. I came straight back to the club where I drowned myself in whiskey and cocaine.
Without Dani, my days seem cold and long, waking up to a constant emptiness surrounding my soul. I know I still love Dani, but my head can’t get around if I can trust her or not. I try to numb myself from the truth, but I can’t seem to get over this hurdle of betrayal lingering deep within my fucked-up soul. I look from the sink and see my blue eyes in the mirror. Looking into them, I imagine Dani’s fierce, green ones.
I roar with anger and slam my fist into the mirror. My image of obsession shatters into pieces, falling into the sink. Bursts of stinging and burning fill my hand instantly; I look down and see trails of blood dripping from my hand. I relish the feeling of pain somewhere besides my fucking chest, as the blood reminds me I’m still alive even though I feel like a walking corpse. I want Dani, but I have to know she’s not a threat. Not a sealed fate to prison or death row because once I have her again, there’s no way I can hold back.
I walk into the hall in search of a towel to wrap around my bleeding hand when Bull’s voice stops me.
“So, she got a job, huh?” He pauses; he must be talking about Dani. “That’s great news. You coming back here later? Think we are going to let loose; the brothers could use it after everything that’s been going on.” He pauses again. “How are y
ou guys going to celebrate?”
I’m guessing Bobby’s taking Dani out to congratulate her on getting the job, and the thought pisses me off.
“Well, sounds like fun. Let me talk to her.” He pauses. “Hey, Doll, I heard you got a job. I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ll try and stop by sometime and see you,” he says softly before hanging up.
I round the corner, hoping the act of my eavesdropping isn’t apparent.
“What the fuck happened to your hand?” Bull asks, pointing to my bloodstained hand.
“Nothing,” I respond coldly.
Dani
As soon as we left Of The Ballet, Bobby drove us to get liquor, where I was told I wasn’t allowed to pick because I apparently have shitty taste in alcohol and pick chick drinks. He grabbed two bottles, one amber-colored and another some kind of tequila. We stopped and picked up some take-out before heading back to the apartment. I’m glad fate has decided to finally hand me a stack of cards in my favor. Landing this job may allow me to finally get my life on track and move forward. My chest tightens; the thought of having to move forward without Shadow in the play hurts. I don’t understand how he can just wash his hands of me so easily; did he feel nothing for me? We did fall for each other very quickly. How well can you know someone in that short amount of time?
“Here, take this shot, Firefly.” Bobby hands me a glass of tequila in between scarfing down noodles from my take-out box. We’ve been back at the apartment for about an hour now, and we haven’t stopped drinking since we walked in.
“This is my third one. You remember what happened last time you handed me shot after shot?” I remind him as I throw the fire down my throat. I got so drunk last time, but it was an experience I’ll never forget.
“Yeah, that was some funny shit,” he says, chuckling to himself. “Oh, I got something for you,” Bobby says, moving to his cut slung on the back of the couch.
“Oh, yeah?” I ask excitedly. I follow him toward the couch with a shot in hand.
“To keep you safe,” he says, handing me a sleek, black gun. I set the shot glass on the coffee table and palm the gun, my hand instantly sweating.