The Scars That Define Us

by M. N. Forgy

  “You will call me if anything changes, right?” Shadow asks, looking at the floor.

  “Absolutely,” she promises, taking a sip of her coffee.

  “I’m fine, Shadow. We can stay,” I offer.

  “No, you’re pregnant and need to rest,” Shadow says, standing and turning to Doc. “Call me if anything happens.”

  “I will,” she reiterates, standing with us.

  ***

  I wake to the dark night and slide my leg across the bed, looking for a cool spot. When my leg slides along and I don’t feel Shadow, I raise from the bed and pat his pillow. Nothing. He isn’t in bed. I slide off the bed and shimmy into some shorts before exiting the room. I pitter-patter my bare feet down the hall and find Shadow sitting on the worn-leather couch which sits diagonally across from the bar. He’s adjusting white powder into lines on a mirror on the coffee table using a pocket knife.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “Can’t sleep,” he clips, his tone cold.

  “So, you thought you would do cocaine?” I question.

  Shadow scoffs at me.

  “Just come to bed with me,” I offer sweetly, but Shadow doesn’t budge.

  “I understand you’re hurting, Shadow—”

  “You don’t know shit about hurt, Dani,” Shadow spits, licking his thumb which the white powder brushes upon. He looks up from the coke and hits me with damaged blue eyes.

  “Hurt is watching your mother overdose on drugs and you watch her dying, wondering if reviving her would be a bigger Hell than letting her die. Hurt is having your dad—the only role model you ever had growing up—shot down in cold blood in a third world country. Hurt is watching your brother suffer because he took an undeserving bullet, one meant for you.” Shadow’s eyes gloss over before he looks back down. His words hit me hard. I bite my bottom lip to keep from putting him in his place, because I know he’s hurting. I want to be there for him, but he clearly doesn’t want me to be around.

  I start walking back to the room, giving Shadow his space.

  “Dani, wait,” Shadow sighs, but I don’t stop. I know nothing good will come of us having a conversation while we are both hurting and he’s high.

  I walk into the room and slam the door then slide against it, throw my head into my hands, and sigh heavily.

  I crawl across the floor and up onto the bed and curl myself into the sheets. The door opens, painting the wall with light from the hall before slowly closing. I feel the bed dip down and a hand is placed on my back.

  “You okay, Doll?” my dad asks. I flinch, surprised it’s my father and not Shadow.

  “Yes,” I lie.

  “This is just the process of healing, Darlin’,” he exasperates.

  “With drugs?” I question.

  “Unfortunately, the ways of healing are different for everyone. The boys of the club are not men of many words when they’re hurting, and drugs seem to help with the overthinking of things.” My dad pats my back, and he talks as if he’s speaking from experience. “Just be glad he’s not drowning in girls, or—” he pauses. I know what he was going to say: girls and killing. He’s right, though; Shadow could be doing a lot worse things right now trying to forget Bobby took his life to save his.

  The bed dips as he brushes his lips against my temple. “Just for the record, I didn’t want any of this for you. But I know you’re strong enough to survive this world, Dani, You grow stronger with pain. You just have to survive it.” My dad gives my back one more pat before leaving me in the dark with my thoughts.

  ***

  I feel warmth cocoon my body, waking me from my sleep.

  “I’m sorry,” Shadow whispers in my ear.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper back.

  “Bobby took a bullet for me, saving someone who doesn’t deserve the act of saving.” His words are edged with sorrow but make me angry. I turn around in his hold where are noses are nearly touching.

  “You are worth saving, Shadow. You mean something to me and your baby,” I clip.

  Shadow pulls me in and kisses my forehead, tucking my head under his chin.

  “Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” I respond against his neck.

  “If it’s a boy, I want to name him after Bobby,” Shadow suggests. I lift my head up and look at him, his eyes hooded with emotion.

  “What is Babs’ real name?” I ask.

  “Delilah,” Shadow mutters.

  “If it’s a girl, we should name her that, after Babs,” I whisper. Delilah is a beautiful name.

  “I think that is a great idea,” he agrees.

  “Kiss me, Firefly.”

  Without a second thought, I smash my lips to his, my mouth trying to overtake his pain and drown it with love.

  “SHADOW, YOUR PHONE IS going off.”

  I open my eyes to a half-naked Dani holding my phone inches from my face. I grab it and answer, hoping it’s good news from Doc.

  “Hello,” I say, half-asleep.

  “He’s awake,” Doc chirps.

  “I’m on my way,” I exclaim, jumping out of the bed.

  “What is it?” Dani asks.

  “He’s awake,” I tell her, grabbing clothes from the dresser.

  “Really?” she asks with excitement.

  “Hurry up. Let’s get over there.” I’m pulling my jeans up as fast as I can. I couldn’t sleep at all last night, but to be fair I didn’t want to sleep. I thought I would fall asleep and not hear my phone go off if Doc called me. I kept thinking of things I wanted to tell Bobby before he left this world, words I was afraid would have to wait and be spoken at his eulogy instead. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for acting like such a pussy when shit went crazy with Dani. That he’s the only family I ever considered to be my own aside from her. The idea that someone I considered a brother turned on the club is a shock on its own. And a woman I looked at as mother is now gone because of that asshole. I prayed, something I’ve been doing a lot of lately.

  I grab my cut and throw it on. I look over at Dani to see if she’s ready, and she looks absolutely stunning this morning. Her skin is glowing and she just has this energy about her. I fucking love her pregnant.

  We ride over to the hospital quickly. When we pull up, we rush inside, afraid Bobby’s moment of alertness will pass and I’ll miss my chance to talk to him.

  I grab Dani’s hand and run in the direction of his room. As soon as I enter, Bobby slides his head from looking at Doc and turns to me. He looks pale as Hell.

  I walk up to the side of the bed and grip his hand firmly.

  “Brother?” I question, wondering if he can hear or answer me.

  “All his vitals are rising slowly. I think he’s going to make a full recovery,” Doc informs us with a smile.

  Bobby smirks. “You fucking owe me, man,” he says with a low rasp, his energy weak. All I can do is laugh and nod. The asshole has my emotions running like a teenage girl who’s been dumped at prom.

  I feel Dani tuck her arm around my waist as she slides up next to me.

  “Firefly,” Bobby whispers.

  Dani smiles that drop-dead-gorgeous smile.

  Dani

  The next couple of days Bobby is nothing but a tornado of angry. He refuses treatment and tries to check himself out of the hospital early. He doesn’t want to see anybody, unless they are there to take him home. Doc says she has tried to reason with him, but he just won’t listen. So I’m going to try and work my magic today to see if I can persuade him to stop being an idiot. Shadow stays at the club, his only solution to the problem is to shoot Bobby in the leg to keep his ass in the hospital bed.

  I step into the hospital room and see Bobby lying in bed watching TV. His face is pale and he has machines hooked up to him everywhere. He looks like shit and that’s putting it lightly.

  “I hear you’re being stupid and trying to check out early.”

  Bobby looks at me and raises a brow. “I’m fine. I don�
�t need to be here,” he says, his tone bitter. He takes his gaze from me back to the TV, dismissing me altogether.

  “He needs to be here,” Doc says, walking in the room.

  I reach over and grab his hand, giving it a friendly squeeze. “Bobby, you died. You killed us along with your death. We can’t have you back only to lose you again because of your stubbornness.” Bobby’s gaze remains on the TV, pissing me off by ignoring me.

  I reach over and punch him in the arm.

  “What the fuck, Firefly.”

  “You think that hurts? Think about what’s it’s going to feel like when the wound on your side is infected,” Doc yells. I take a deep breath, he’s trying my patience.

  Bobby smiles, his eyes crinkling at the side. “You love me and you know it.” Doc rolls her eyes and starts fiddling with the sheets on the bed.

  I grin. “You’re not leaving until you’re released,” I state, making no room for argument. “You’re going to be an uncle. You need to start thinking about that role.”

  “She’s right,” Doc remarks.

  Bobby shakes his head, his smile turning into a full-on grin. “Fine, I’ll stay, but only because I don’t want Dani to kick my ass,” he jokes, making me laugh. He winces from his own laughter, gaining Doc’s attention.

  “Any regrets?” I question, staring at Bobby holding his bandaged side.

  Bobby grins. “Nope.”

  A couple of years later

  I LAY BACK ON the beach towel and let my body soak up the sun’s rays—it feels good.

  Zane tugs on my arm and points at the water. He turns two in a few months; he’s getting big too fast. I giggle and start to stand when a hand is placed on my shoulder.

  “I got it, Big Momma, you sit back and relax. I don’t want my little girl coming any sooner than she needs to,” Shadow insists, leaning down kissing my growing belly. Shadow wanted to knock me up as soon as I had Zane, but I made him wait. Having Zane was rough: my blood pressure got really high so they had to induce me early, ending up in a C-section birth. Zane had everyone scared when he arrived, but he made his entrance into the world one to remember.

  Shadow and I have decided to name our soon-to-be little girl after Babs, calling her Delilah. Babs was a motherly figure we never had, and she is truly missed at the club. Her funeral was beautiful, and I go to visit her grave often.

  My dad took the biggest fall after Babs’ death. I never knew the two of them were secret lovers—Shadow was the one who told me. Shadow took over the club when my dad bottomed out, but I think my dad is finally starting to get his footing back and is taking charge of the club again. Shadow gave the position back, no questions asked. He has a lot of respect for my father.

  “Come on, son,” Shadow says, taking Zane’s hand and running off toward the water. Shadow has been Zane’s hero since day one. He’s a great father, just like I knew he would be. I watch Zane giggle and laugh, his dark hair which matches Shadow’s, shift in the wind as the breeze blows. He is Shadow made over: dark hair, blue eyes, and an attitude to match.

  “Hey, wait for us!”

  Sand is kicked up and sprayed across my legs as Bobby takes off toward the shore, his tanned and tattooed back and yellow swim trunks nothing but a blur. I notice Doc go running off into the water right behind him.

  I laugh and brush the sand from my legs, watching my family play in the water. It seems so surreal. I never thought I would be this happy, or that Shadow and I would find this place. We still have our dark tendencies, but together we help each other get through them. Mostly with the remedy of angry sex.

  Bobby and Doc stomp back up from the shore laughing, Bobby’s scar silver and standing out against his tanned body, catching my attention.

  “Your scar is looking very angry today,” I point out. Bobby looks down at it. “Yeah, I love it when it stands out, and the girls love it, too,” he says, grinning, gaining an eye roll from me and a scoff from Doc.

  Shadow comes up behind Bobby, brushing sand from his legs.

  “That kid has way too much energy,” he says breathlessly. “What are we talking about?” he asks, pulling a water from the cooler.

  “How you thought I was dead but didn’t get that lucky,” Bobby replies, raising his eyebrow at Shadow.

  Doc starts laughing as she sits down next to me. The swimsuit cover she’s wearing slips off her shoulder, showing fierce-looking, silver scars slashing down her back. My eyes widen, and my mouth parts in horror. I open my mouth to ask what happened, but Bobby catches my attention standing above her. I look up and see him shaking his head with a stern look on his face. I snap my mouth shut and look at the scars again, but Doc pulls her cover over her shoulder, hiding them.

  “We’ve been through this,” Shadow says. “I’m not a fucking doctor; how was I supposed to know you were still alive?”

  “Zane, don’t get too close to the water, Bug,” Bobby yells. I glance around the boys and look to see how close he is. He’s not close at all; he’s making a sand castle feet away. With a dad and an uncle more protective than a mother, and both in a motorcycle club, I’ll be amazed if Zane doesn’t hate them both by the time he’s ten.

  Shadow, Bobby, and Doc take off toward the water, and I lie back down and stare at the clouds passing in the sky. Things have been peaceful around here: nobody has been shot or hit with a car, and I haven’t seen or heard from my mom, making me one hundred percent positive Shadow had indeed taken care of her. Now that I have children, though, I’m glad she’s gone. Who knows what kind of messed-up scam she would try and involve them in to get what she wanted. She was cold-hearted and only cared about her scorned heart.

  “You look deep in thought,” Shadow says. I look over to see him lying back on a towel, staring up at the sky.

  “I think it’s time I claim you outside of the club,” Shadow declares, smiling. I scrunch my nose, unsure what he means, but then it hits me.

  “Are you serious?” I ask.

  Shadow smirks. “I want everyone inside the club and out of it to know you’re mine. I want you to be my property and my wife,” he replies, brushing a hair from my face.

  “Are you asking me to marry you?” I question, sitting up on my elbows.

  Shadow laughs. “When have you known me to ask? I’m telling you, you’re going to be my wife,” he insists with a stern voice.

  I throw my head back and laugh.

  “I can’t wait to be yours, both inside the club and out,” I tell him with a smile.

  The End

  … for now

  THE FEAR THAT DIVIDES US

  (The Devil’s Dust #3)

  M. N. Forgy

  PROLOGUE

  six years earlier

  BOBBY

  As I take a sip of what’s left of my beer, my eyes catch Babs coming through the kitchen over the top of the bottle. Her red hair is sticking to her face from the summer’s heat, and she’s mumbling about something. I set the empty bottle on the counter and watch her put up glasses and fill the ice bin. It’s quiet here, too quiet. Nights in the clubhouse are usually filled with easy women and drugs. Well, somewhat easy. Seeing as I’m still a prospect I don’t get anywhere near the amount of ass the patched in brothers get, but I do alright. I peel the label from my beer and start folding it in on itself.

  Old Guy crashes through the club’s front doors, catching everyone’s attention.

  “Where’s Bull?” Old Guy asks, his voice frantic.

  I shrug, not sure.

  “I think he’s in his room. You want me to grab him?” Shadow asks, sitting next to me. I look over my shoulder at Shadow and grin, ever since we became prospects he’s been kissing ass. I can’t help but make fun of him, and I can get away with it because I knew him way before the club.

  “Yeah. Hurry up,” Old Guy demands. He runs his hands along the sides of his head, smoothing back the long hair that’s escaped from its ponytail.

  I slide off my bar stool and toss my bottle in the trash. I’m curio
us as to what has Old Guy in such a state. Bull comes out of his room, buckling his belt.

  “This better be good, goddamn it,” Bull mutters as he makes his way toward the front door.

  Before we make it to the door, Old Guy comes in carrying a woman. She’s curled up against his chest making it hard to see whether I know her or not. She has blonde hair, stained with blood in some spots, and clothes that look like they haven’t been washed in days.

  “What the fuck?” Shadow whispers, with disbelief. My eyes widen, shocked at the state the woman is in.

  “Who is she?” I ask.

  “Not sure. She pulled up in a nice car and kept asking to talk to whoever was in charge about wanting to make a deal before collapsing to the ground,” Old Guy informs.

  “A deal?” Bull asks. He walks up to the woman and brushes the hair from her face. “Someone did a number on her.”

  “There’s more,” Old Guy says. He shifts his feet, and looks downward. Movement catches my eyes, I look down at his legs to find a child clinging to Old Guy’s legs.

  “Fuck me,” escapes from my mouth in shock. A little kid with long, blonde hair and red cheeks hugs onto Old Guy’s legs. I notice her pink dress, and kneel down to the little girl’s height. She has blonde hair like the woman who I’m assuming is her mother.

  “Hi there, sweetie, is this your momma?” I ask, in a soft voice. I notice her left cheek is a little redder than her left, making me wonder if she fell down, or ran into something. Her face is stained from tears, and she has snot running down to her lips. She blinks her eyes a couple of times, as her bottom lip pouts. She looks at her mother and begins to wail.

  “I don’t think she can talk yet,” Old Guy says, shifting the unconscious woman in his arms. I shrug, I know nothing about kids.

  “What do you want me to do, Prez?” Old Guy asks.

  Bull nervously runs his hands through his black hair. “Shit, just take her to one of the rooms.” Old Guy heads down the hall with the little girl clinging to his legs, crying.