Courting the Clown

by Cathy Quinn

  The girl was sobbing now. “Where’s my sister? Where’s Emily?”

  “I don’t know. Let’s play private eyes, okay? First thing we should do is look for her shoes, okay? She won’t have left the house without her shoes on, so if we find her shoes, we know she’s still inside.”

  Lana ran to the back door where they’d left their shoes. Lana’s shoes were still there, sitting in a puddle of melted snow, but Emily’s shoes were not.

  Sylvie yanked the back door open. Sure enough, there was Emily. In her boots, wearing an open jacket, no scarf, no mittens... demonstrating the snowball launcher to a little boy her own age.

  She looked down at Lana, and both of them sagged in relief. Then Lana started sobbing.

  “Oh, Lana....” Sylvie knelt down and hugged the child close. “It’s okay. Emily gave us a bit of a fright, but she’s there. She’s safe. And she’s in trouble,” she added sternly. “I’m pretty sure she’s now allowed to leave the house like that without asking. Right?”

  Lana nodded, her tears still soaking Sylvie’s shoulder, her little body trembling.

  Was this normal? Was it normal for a seven year old to panic when her little sister was out of sight?

  “Lana? Why are you so worried?” Sylvie asked.

  “I’m afraid Emily’s leaving and never coming back,” Lana whispered.

  “Why would she be leaving?”

  “Because she’s just my half-sister.” Sylvie could barely make out the words.

  She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know enough about this family. “Half-sister,” she repeated, and Lana’s tearstained face made a brief appearance.

  “Yes. My dad is not her real dad. So maybe she’ll go away and I won’t have a sister anymore.”

  “Your father loves Emily just as much as he loves you,” she told Lana, knowing it was true. “Don’t worry, kiddo. She’ll always be your sister.”

  “Forever?”

  Sylvie couldn’t help smiling. “Until you decide to leave home. Probably until you go to college.”

  “I don’t want to go to college,” Lana decided.

  “Even then you can come home for holidays. Your daddy will always be your daddy. For you and for Emily.”

  “Promise?” Lana whispered, and Sylvie nodded. She might not be in a position to make this kind of a promise, but she felt sure enough she was telling the truth.

  “Promise. I know Emily will never be sent away, Lana. The two of you will always be together.”

  Lana sighed. It was a sigh of relief, and Sylvie cuddled her closer. Lana put her arms around Sylvie’s neck and relaxed against her. “You too?” she asked. “Will you always be with us too?”

  Oh, God.

  Sylvie stared out the window, wondering what to say.

  “I’ll always be your friend,” she said at last.

  “Forever?”

  Where did the kid get this forever-obsession from?

  “Forever,” she said. She’d never forget the two girls. Or their father. It was a safe promise to make.

  Lana yawned. “I’m going to ask Daddy to marry you.”

  Sylvie’s heart contracted. “Oh, honey... No. Please don’t do that.”

  “Why not? Don’t you want to?”

  Sylvie gulped down air, and tried to figure out what to say. Nothing intelligent came to mind. “Honey...” She put her arms around the child. “It doesn’t work that way. People only get married if they want to. If they love each other. Not because their kid asks them to. That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  “Don’t you love us?”

  Kids, Sylvie sighed inwardly. Manipulative little heartbreakers. “I love all three of you. That’s not the point.”

  “So are you going to say no?”

  “Your father isn’t going to ask me, Lana.”

  “He won’t say no if we ask him to,” Lana said, her eyes wide and innocent, yet full of childish guile. “I know he won’t.”

  Oh, God. Sylvie felt despair well up from withi. Despair and sadness, and the need to fling herself into bed and have a good cry for about seventeen hours. She hoped and prayed Lana wasn’t right. “Lana,” she said firmly. “That is not how these things work.”

  The child’s eyes filled with tears. She tore herself away from Sylvie and ran into her room. Sylvie groaned as she heard the sound of sobbing. She gave herself a few minutes, then knocked on the door to the child’s room and entered. She sat down on the bed and took Lana into her arms. She struggled a bit, then rested against her shoulder, still hiccupping, her face wet with tears. “I’ll always be your friend, Lana,” she said. “No matter what happens. Forever. Okay?”

  Lana didn’t respond, but she didn’t pull away either. Her sobbing slowed down, and then her breathing calmed, and she was asleep. Sylvie debated with herself for a while – the kid was still dressed, and hadn’t brushed her teeth, but in the end turned off the lights, made sure the night-light was on, and left the door half-open. Her father could brush sleeping teeth when he got home.

  Nick closed the door into the girls’ bedroom. He took her hand and walked into the living room, where he wrapped his arms around her and hugged tightly. “Thank you,” he said into her hair. “Thanks for being here today. For helping me out.”

  “You’re welcome,” she mumbled into his shoulder. All sorts of feeling vibrated through her body. All she knew was that she didn’t want him to let go.

  But then he did. And she remembered Lana’s words, her innocent appeal, and the proposal she would undoubtedly suggest soon. She looked up into Nick’s eyes and tried to focus on what she saw in there.

  I am happy.

  For them – or for his girls?

  Nick touched her face, and she stepped back. “Lana had a total breakdown when she couldn’t find her sister,” she told him.

  Nick’s hand fell to the side, and she saw question in his eyes. She looked away, avoiding the answer.

  “I’m sorry.” Nick said. “I should have warned you. Lana’s very protective of her little sister. She does tend to panic if she doesn’t know where Emily is.”

  “Do you know why?”

  Nick shrugged. “She’s always taken the big sister role very seriously. I guess she feels responsible for Emily.”

  Sylvie sat down in an armchair. That way he wouldn’t be able to sit down next to her, and blast her good sense with the magnetic effect he had on her. She needed to tell him about Lana’s revelation. She wasn’t sure how significant it was, but he needed to know.

  Only problem was, this was none of her business.

  “Nick – we need to talk.”

  “I agree,” he said, and took a seat on the sofa. “Why don’t you move over here for our talk?”

  His eyes were glinting with mischief. It wouldn’t do. “It’s about the girls.”

  “What about them?”

  She took a deep breath. “Have you talked to the girls about their... paternity?”

  His head lifted. His eyes narrowed, and he looked angry. “What are you talking about?”

  “Emily.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Lana told me.”

  Nick looked down at the carpet. “I see. I guess I’d hoped they’d forgotten.”

  “She’s worried about losing Emily because she’s not your real daughter.”

  Nick’s eyes flashed in sudden anger. “Not my real daughter? They’re both my real daughters. I was there when they were born, both of them. I raised them. I changed their diapers and I will probably – God help me – be the one who gives them away at their wedding. They’re both mine. Equally mine.”

  “But not genetically,” she said. “Right?”

  “Yes.” His jaw clenched. “But it doesn’t make any difference. Not legally, not emotionally. My name is on both their birth certificates. I suppose you want to know what happened?”

  “No―“

  “My wife cheated on me.” He shrugged angrily. “Not a fun admission, but it’s true. Th
e marriage was over by then, but we decided to give it a try for Lana’s sake.” Nick recited this in monotone, detaching himself from it. “When Emily was a few months old, my mother commented on her eyes. Brown. My eyes are blue. So were Clarissa’s. I didn’t want to hear it. After all it can happen. It is possible for blue-eyed parents to have a brown-eyed child, although it’s rare. But in the end I checked her medical file. Her blood group didn’t match mine. She couldn’t possibly be mine.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I still didn’t want to believe it. The blood results are conclusive, and when I confronted Clarissa she didn’t deny it, but still, I had DNA testing, and when she was eight months old, I finally admitted to myself that I couldn’t be her biological father.”

  “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, Nick.”

  “But she’s my daughter,” Nick said, almost angrily. “She’s been my daughter since I held her in the delivery room. The only reason I had to know was because I needed to find out if I could survive in that marriage or not. I couldn’t stay with her mother after I found out, not even for their sake, but I could never stop loving Emily.”

  “What about her biological father?”

  Nick shrugged. “I don’t know who he is. Clarissa never told me. Whoever he is, he obviously doesn’t know about Emily. Or if he knows, he doesn’t care. It’s a black cloud though. Knowing at any time someone might come into our lives, demanding access to one of my kids...”

  “Unlikely, now...”

  “Yes. Yet, I’m torn. On one hand, I want to be her father – her only father. On the other I’m almost hoping he does show up, sooner or later. For Emily’s sake. For her future. She does have the right to know her biological father.” He shrugged. “But whoever it is, he probably doesn’t even know he fathered her.”

  They sat in silence for a while. Sylvie didn’t quite know what to say – any question felt like an intrusion, and I’m-sorry seemed inappropriate. But it was getting late, and she should be leaving anyway. She glanced at her watch and stretched. “Well, I should be going home,” she said.

  Nick’s expression changed, and he focused only on her. She shivered as the mood changed. Even the room seemed to darken. “When will I see you again?”

  I, he’d asked. Not we.

  “I’m going away for Christmas,” she said. “My mother called yesterday and invited me.”

  “When will you be back.”

  “ I don’t know,” she teased. “My mother wants me to stay over the New Year. My Dad’s sixtieth birthday is on January 1st. But I have this ogre of a boss. I guess I’ll have to check with him, when he needs me back.”

  Nick’s smile was tiny, the merest flutter at the corner of one mouth. “Your boss will give you all the time you need. But I’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll be back just after the New Year, then.”

  He leaned over. She met him half-way, and their lips met in a slow, sweet kiss. She slid her hand around his neck, into his hair, and he pulled her over until she was lying on top of him in the soft sofa. His body was warm and firm under her, his scent intoxicating, and she despaired of ever finding the willpower to leave.

  “Nick...” she groaned, her head spinning, and he shushed her, cupping her face, the kisses turning darker and deeper, dangerous and exhilarating, his inventive hands pushing under her sweater, searing the skin. It wasn’t until he broke away from her to pull the sweater over her head that she regained a tiny shred of common sense. She shot to her feet, adjusting her clothes, her face flaming.

  “The girls,” she stuttered. “God. The door isn’t locked. They could have walked in on us.”

  Nick was still on the couch. His hair was mussed. His shirt was open. His eyes were ablaze, and then he was reaching out for her. “Come back here. I have motion detectors in the hall. If the girls leave their rooms, a buzzer on my desk will sound.”

  “What? You have motion detectors in your home? Why?” So he could seduce women uninterrupted? Who was this guy?

  The laugher in Nick’s eyes told her he knew what she was thinking. “Not because I’d anticipated exactly this scenario, Sylvie.”

  “Then why?”

  He raised up on one elbow, reaching for her with the other arm. She twisted out of reach. “Why?”

  “Emily walks in her sleep. Lana sometimes wanders around the house half-asleep. So, I installed motion detectors, with buzzers by my bed and in my workshop. To make sure I keep them safe.”

  “Oh boy.” Her lips were still tingling. Her entire body was humming with unfulfilled need. She was still working on catching her breath and looking at him didn’t help at all. “I wonder what you’ll think of when they start sneaking out to meet boys. You’re nuts.”

  “You like me that way. C’mere.”

  “No.”

  His arm fell to his side for a second, then he turned on his most lethal smile and reached for her again. “Please, come here.”

  “Sorry.” Having fixed her clothing, she combed her fingers through her hair. “The magic word won’t work this time.”

  He groaned. “Damn.

  “I have to go.”

  “Will I see you before Christmas?”

  She shook her head. She needed distance from this family. All of them. She needed to think things over, and hope that she faced from the girls’ memory. If anything could distract kids, Christmas was it. When it was over, Lana and Emily would probably have forgotten all about her. Then, maybe then, they could see what happened. Then she’d be safe from an arranged proposal their father.

  Her body ached as she stole another glimpse at him. Then she might be persuaded to indulge in long stolen hours with this man.

  Then, maybe, she would admit to herself that she was already in love with him.

  ***

  Nick’s stomach was actually clenching in protest. He wondered if he’d be this nervous when the time came to have that serious discussion about the birds, the bees and birth control. He leaned forward towards the little girl sitting on his workshop floor and tried to keep his voice friendly and unthreatening. “Lana, Sylvie told me how scared you were, thinking Emily was gone.”

  His beautiful little daughter stared up at him, her eyes filled with trepidation. “I’m afraid Emily’s going away.” Her lip trembled. “Be...because she’s only my half-sister.”

  Lana was seven, and a very smart little girl. She was already an excellent reader. Nick opened the bottom drawer on his desk, and rummage through his files. Lana sat quietly on the floor, watching. He finally located the document and put it down on the desk. “Come here, kiddo,” he said. “I’ve got a reading test for you.” He held out his arms, and Lana crawled into his lap.

  “Honey, look at this. Can you read what it says at the top?”

  “Birth cert...” Lana read slowly. “Certifi... Certificate.”

  “Yes. That’s a big word, isn’t it? Can you read the rest?” He shifted Lana on his lap, aimed the pool of light from the lamp on the document, and helped her read the entire thing, legalese and all. He knew she wouldn’t understand all the words – heck, he didn’t understand all the words -- but they might reassure her anyway.

  “Do you know what this all means, Emily?”

  She shook her head, her teeth worrying her lip again. “Not all. It says you’re Emily’s daddy, and Mommy is Emily’s Mommy.”

  “Yes. This paper means that Emily is my daughter just as much as you are. It means she’ll always live with us and nobody can take her away. See? She’s not escaping you and me until she’s grown-up and wants to be on her own. She’s stuck with us. You don’t have to worry.”

  “But Mommy always said...” Lana trailed off, and Nick tried to stifle the burst of anger at his ex-wife for insisting on burdening the children with this knowledge. She was dead, and she’d given him two wonderful daughters. He wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.

  “I know, Lana. It’s complicated. I’ll explain it all to you when you’re older, but you can be sure that Emily will always
live with us. Always.”

  “No college,” Lana added.

  “Huh?”

  “Always live with you,” she repeated, frowning at his hesitation. “No college. Ever.”

  “Not unless you want to,” he felt safe to promise.

  Lana put her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. He could feel her every breath and then she raised her head to whisper into his ear. “Daddy?”

  “Yes, love?”

  “Can we adopt Iffy?”

  Nick smiled against his daughter’s cheek, breathing in the fresh scent of her strawberry shampoo. “I don’t know if she wants to be adopted, sweetie.”

  “You could ask her.”

  “Sweetie, that’s not really going to work. Grown-ups don’t adopt other grown-ups.”

  “Are you going to ask her to marry you?”

  “What?”

  “Isn’t it a good idea? She’ll be your wife and then you can have kids and Emily and I can have a tiny little baby sister.”

  “Or a brother,” Nick reminded her, before realizing they might both be jumping the gun just a tad here.

  “Brother is okay,” Lana said graciously. “You could always have a girl later. I’d still be the best babysitter ever.”