“Damn it, Addy. I know it is tiring. I have no clue how you have done this by yourself, but you will eat. You are not on your own with this anymore. I am more pissed off at myself now, seeing what you do, and how you love it, and how I just threw this shit away. I am going out to get you some Chinese food. You will eat it, take a bath, and go to bed.” He grabs his keys and leaves. Wow, what just happened here? Yes, motherhood is hard . . . twice as hard with twins. But this is my life, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I decide to grab a shower while he is out so then we can discuss his dictating orders and his clueless ass when we eat.
I am amazed every time how great a shower can make me feel. I walk downstairs, and Tyler has the food and is setting it up on the table. He turns to look at me and says, “I thought you were taking a bath after dinner?”
“No, you dictated I do that. I decided another way. We are going to talk about our expectations with this co-parenting thing while we are eating, and judging by the way you just acted, it may take a while.”
He is just staring at me, and I tap the couch as I pass it urging him to sit down. I start, “Tyler, I get you are new to this. I am, too. Yes, I had experience with the heathens, but when there are two of them, I am a bit overwhelmed. But remember, I do have a support system, and I use it when I need to. I am very fortunate for that. You don’t get to come in here dictating my life, my eating habits, and whatever else you feel is lacking, because this was your choice.”
He looks devastated. “I know. I did this. You want me to tattoo it on my forehead. I just don’t want you to overwhelm yourself. You are too important to me and to those girls upstairs. We all need you, and I just want to help. I just don’t know how.” His voice breaks, and he looks away on the last word.
I put my food down and reach over to grab his hand. “Tyler, I won’t beat that horse anymore. You have accepted responsibility, and I have to let it go. What is done is done. I get you feel guilt, but I don’t want you here because of guilt. You have to trust me to know when I have had enough. I don’t always eat chocolate for dinner. I can make oatmeal. Plus, Brielle and Amelia bring stuff over all the time.”
Tyler just shrugs. “Okay, Lil’ Bit. I am not here out of guilt. I am here because I love you, Cheyenne, and Shiloh. I love this whole family. I am here because I want to be. And maybe the reason I am so crazy is because I don’t want to be my parents. I want you to know where I stand and what I want.”
I think we are finally getting somewhere. “Tyler, I know your parents weren’t supportive. Let’s be honest, they are assholes. But you were always the opposite. Please don’t ever think you could be them.”
He doesn’t answer me right away, “Hey, can we drop it for now and eat?” he asks me.
I just sigh and nod. Every time I think we are making progress, he wants to bolt. This merry-go-round is getting old, and I don’t want another spin.
Chapter 18
Tyler
I can tell I just pissed her off by shutting this conversation down, but I don’t know that I am ready to confront my demons yet. I wish she knew how bad I was fighting the urge to run, not because I didn’t want to be with her, but because I didn’t want to be my parents. I am fighting with everything I have to be here for her, but it isn’t something I learned growing up. In many ways I was more immature than my babies upstairs. I had no nurturing or love growing up. My parents weren’t awful, but they just didn’t give a shit. And no matter what I did . . . straight 4.0 grade point average, all-star in football, winning the SEC championship, starting my own company, or hell, even staying out of trouble . . . none of it mattered to them. As long as I didn’t interfere with their plans, or bother them, then it was good as gold at my house. Many kids would be envious. I got thrown money and credit cards, never wanted for anything but love and acceptance. I don’t know what stability is.
I am lost in my own faults and barely notice Addison falling asleep. I pick up our dishes and left-overs and take them to the kitchen. Once I handle the mess and go check on the girls, I walk back in the living room to tell her to go to bed. She is lying there, relaxed and asleep. She looks so peaceful and so damn beautiful. I know I should wake her or even carry her up to bed, but I just want to be close to her. I grab a blanket and situate myself very carefully, so I don’t wake her up. As I cover both of us up and grab the remote, she curls up to me. I know I shouldn’t read too much into this, but damn it feels good. I know she is asleep and doesn’t know what she is doing, but I love that her reflexes make her curl into me. I am her shelter in the storm. All I want is for her to feel loved and safe. I have given her love, but I have never given her heart safety. My mind drifts back to all the arguments with my parents, and my let downs and disappointments with them.
“Dad, I got picked for varsity, and I am only a freshman.” That was met with a nod and frown, and with, “Hopefully you don’t disappoint us and ruin our family name.” Or when my full ride acceptance from Alabama came in, that was met with, “You probably won’t get any play time, and you didn’t impress me much, so I don’t know how that scholarship even came about.” The time I went to my mom and tried telling her how disconnected and lonely I felt with them, that was fun. She was drunk and doing a charity benefit, “Oh Tyler, you are such a drama queen. I swear you should have been a girl. If I put more money in your account, will you run along and not bother me with this whining?” When we were in front of family or friends, then they were the dutiful parents. I bet they couldn’t even pick me out of a line-up with how long it has been since I have seen them. Everything was good as long as we kept up appearances.
Addison knew they weren’t a big part of my life, but I don’t think she ever knew everything. I never shared it with her, because I didn’t want her to look at me as pathetic. She thought I hung the moon, and I loved her putting me on that pedestal. Problem is I crashed down from that bitch, and I don’t know if redemption is in sight. I look down at her snuggled into my chest and wish I could fix this and take away all the doubts.
I flip the TV on and just hold her as I catch the sports updates. I am content and so happy in this moment. My babies are asleep upstairs, and I am holding their mom, the love of my life. I mute the TV and flip on her stereo with the remote and Coldplay “The Scientist” starts playing. No truer lyrics have been sung for this moment. I wish I could go back and make this right for us. I bend down and kiss her forehead, and she just sighs. I stare at her and hum the song until I drift off. I dream of what our life could be. I dream of raising the girls together or maybe having a few more. I know I can be there, be the man they need, because without them I am nothing. I may have fears and demons, but I am ready to slay them for her. Until our last break up, we have never really been apart. I still had contact, or lived in the same town, but these last ten months showed me life without her, and it is a shit life. It is not one I am willing to live again.
Just as I begin to drift off, Addison bolts up. She stares at me like she isn’t quite awake, or that I was a dream. I brush her hair out of her face and just whisper, “I just wanted to hold you for a few minutes. You were asleep and just for a few minutes in this fucked-up situation, I wanted to feel like all would be right.” She lets a tear slip down her cheek, and I shake my head at her. “No more tears, please, Lil’ Bit. I swear, if it is the last thing I do, you will not cry any more tears for us. Only happy times.”
She lays her head down on my chest, and sighs, “Oh, Tyler, how did we get here? How do we move past this? I am tired of the turmoil with us, and I hate this feeling of hurt and pain when I think of you. I just want the laughter back. I know everything will never be great; we are humans. But I just want to stop being in pain all the time. I don’t want this for us or for our children. Just tell me what to do.”
“Trust me, Addison.”
“That is the one thing I can’t do, Tyler. You have abused that one too many times, and I just can’t.”
That confession of hers just gutted me. Yet it made
me more determined to prove her wrong. “I know, baby, I know. But I will earn your trust, love, and devotion back. If it kills me, I will earn it.”
“Tyler, my love never left. That is what makes this so hard and confusing. My heart is telling me one thing, but my head is screaming another. For once, I am listening to my head, because my heart has misguided me one too many times with you. I am not trying to hurt you, but I want you to know, Tyler, there never may be an us again.”
“Don’t ever say that, Addison. You can say not now, not yet, or whatever else, but not that. Don’t you tell me never when you are speaking of us.”
She wisely stops talking. She knows when I get that tone of voice, I am serious. I don’t go all caveman on her often, but when I do, she knows I am serious, and I will use whatever measures I have to so she will see reason, which usually ends in her having multiple orgasms and not being able to walk right for about a week. I am not above using that method now. I know she would regret it later.
“Addison, I am going to go back to Colby’s now. This won’t get figured out overnight, but as long as you know it will get figured out. I am working on it. I love you.” I kiss her cheek and stare in her eyes. “Always mine,” I tell her and then leave.
She about killed me when she said there was a possibility of never. I about bent her ass over and spanked her and fucked her at the same time. She could be stubborn, but I knew how to break her. She. Will. Always. Be. Mine. I won’t use our passion against her. I want her to realize on her own that I am the one.
I guess it is time to get down to good old-fashioned courting. I will try to make each day special for her, date again. Well as much as you can date with two newborns, a crazy ass family, and teenagers.
3 weeks later
The time to leave for Daytona has approached quickly. I have kept my promises to Addison and have been there every day and forced her to leave and go to the studio. She needs the escape, and I see her walls coming down. It hasn’t been easy being patient . . . waiting on her to realize that I am not leaving. They all leave for Daytona in three days, and she doesn’t realize that Colby and Brielle decided I was going. Now, somebody has to tell Addy. I vote for Brielle because she can handle her sister better than I can.
I have kept my promises and courted her. I bring her flowers, chocolates, and make sure she eats. I help her clean and do the everyday stuff. It isn’t normal dating, but we have brand new infants, a whole shitload of issues, and it isn’t like we can go out to dinner every night, go to the movies, go dancing, or drinking whenever the mood strikes. So this is dating with a new family style. It seems to be working. We are talking more, and I slowly see the walls coming down. I am able to tell her about my time in North Carolina and opening up the new store. She has been filling me in on the issues with Dustin and Cambree, and all that raising teenagers entails. I am showing her that I am somebody she can depend on again.
Yesterday, while I was in town, I ran into my parents at the bank. Imagine their surprise when they found out I was home, and they didn’t know. Not that they actually wanted to see me, but being the last to know doesn’t keep up with their image. I agreed to come over for lunch today to talk to them. I can bet when I get there they will have forgotten about their invite. It was more for the spectators’ benefit than them actually wanting to see me. I am going to tell them I am a father, and I just don’t know how that will blow over. In all the years I have been with Addison, they have met her like three times and very superficially. I am just waiting on Addison to get in from the studio before I leave.
The door slams open, and she is drenched in sweat and so damn sexy.
“Good workout?”
“Yep. Are the girls down for a nap?” she asked me.
“Just went down, and I am heading to my parents.”
“Good, I have time for a shower.” She starts rushing around and making her way to the stairs.
“Addison, I can wait while you take a shower.”
“Won’t you be late?”
“I don’t care. I am not rushing you or putting anyone before my family. Go take a nice hot shower and relax your muscles. I will still be here.” I wish she would understand that she will come first from now on. I know I sound like a broken record repeating the same things, but sometimes I feel like I need to put that shit on repeat and play it to her while she sleeps, like subliminal messages or something. Brielle says, it will take time. She pointed out that it took me time and time again to finally break her heart, so it would take time for her to let me mend it. I hate when that girl is right, which if you ask her, is always.
Addison just stares at me like she doesn’t know who I am. It pisses me off because I wasn’t always a dickhead. We had a lot of great times, and I treated her like gold. She is only remembering the bad ones, and truthfully it is starting to piss me off. I don’t know what else to do. I did create this mess, but what else does she want? I take a calming breath, “Lil’ Bit, I don’t know why you have it in your head that I am this awful douchebag of a guy, but just remember it wasn’t always bad. Now get in the shower, or are you waiting on me to offer my help?”
Her breathing picks up pace, and I am glad to see she isn’t unaffected by me. I can almost read her mind and see her picturing all the times we showered together. She quickly shakes her head and hurries to the shower, and I can’t help but chuckle at that. Then I give myself a pep talk reminding myself what the end goal is. My family, my love, my girl. My life.
Chapter 19
Addison
I hate when I see that look of devastation in Ty’s eyes. I am not meaning to put it there, and he is right, there were more great memories than the few I am dwelling on. My problem is that I can’t get the devastation I feel out of my heart from when he walked out . . . again. I know he is trying. No, that isn’t true. He doesn’t have to try because Tyler’s real demeanor is this. He is generally sweet, giving, caring, loving, and selfless. I could go on about his endearing qualities, but then I flash to the moment I tell him I was pregnant, and he leaves. He has to figure out why his first instinct is to leave.
I question why he even left. He is here, bonding and taking care of the girls like he doesn’t want to be anywhere else. If this is what he was running from, then why come back and jump right into it? He doesn’t struggle with fatherhood. It all comes so easily to him. Anyone around can see how much those kids mean to him. He acts like he never questioned this family, but he did more than question it.
I turn the shower off and walk out into the room to find him sitting on my bed.
“Addison, if I can get Brielle to watch Shiloh and Cheyenne tonight, will you spend some time with me?”
He picked a fine time to coerce me into this. I am standing in front of him in nothing but a towel, and I can read his eyes. I see everything he wants to do to my body, everything he has already done, and that makes me remember. I just have to turn this train wreck thinking off.
“Only talking, Tyler. I can’t risk anything else.”
He nods and stands. “I am going to lunch, and I will call and set it up with Brielle. We just need to talk and share some things, Lil’ Bit.”
“Tyler, can you please quit calling me that?” I wish I could take that statement back when I see the pain in his eyes. I open my mouth to apologize when his statement floors me.
“Addison, you can ask whatever you want of me, but if it means erasing our history or our love, the answer will always be no. I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to cut out any familiarity of us, and go ahead and try. You can’t do it, just like I couldn’t. You can try and hide from me, but while you are so busy trying to run and make us a sterile, co-parenting cliché, just remember we are anything but that. We are a mess . . . a free for all, mud-slinging mess . . . but underneath all that dirt, is a love so pure it gleams.”
He storms out of my house, mumbling something about, “stubborn fun-size women.” Hmph. He is so damn arrogant, sexy, infuriating . . . and right. That
is what I hate the most. He knows me better than I know myself, and I thought I knew him. But, damn it, I still love him. I stomp my foot and realize I am in the middle of a full on tantrum. That fucktard did this on purpose. He wants me worked up, so I don’t hold back. Okay, game on Mr. Frustrating. No holding back tonight.
I spend a few hours with the girls, and then, when they go down for their mid afternoon nap, I spend hours getting myself ready. Amelia is just going to come over here so we don’t have to lug all the baby stuff somewhere, and we won’t have to wake them up when we get back. He still hasn’t told me where we are going, and I know my sneaky ass sister helped him plan this. I am not speaking to her at the moment . . . after helping Tyler, and dropping the bomb that his ass was coming to Daytona with us. Is their nothing sacred in this family anymore? Brielle was spewing “she has my best interest at heart.” I am calling bullshit, and it will be interesting when she is trying to get my foot out of her ass.
Amelia shows up with Tyler right behind her, and the look on his face makes every minute I have spent in the dance studio worth it. I have to admit that I look good. I am wearing my royal blue tank top with my short cut off shorts. I did it on purpose. I know how much he loves me in blue. I have almost gotten back to my pre-baby weight, but the extra-snug fit across my ass in these shorts is setting him on fire, and he is not trying to hide the smoldering look in his eyes. Score one for me.
“You ready to go, Tyler?” I ask him extra sweetly.
“Sure, Lil’ Bit.” He drops his voice to husky, like he is caressing my skin with his words. Damn, ball back in his court. This game could end up getting me in trouble.
I just sigh and look at him. He just chuckles and asks, “Truce?” Oh, thank the heavens. I just nod and smile.
We head out to his truck, and I hop in just like old times. He turns down the radio before he starts it up. “We are going for a picnic to talk. I am not going to lie to you. I am trying to make you forget the bad and remember the good, then I want to add on to the good. I have asked you every day for weeks, together or co-parent? We are both aware your answer is not what I want, and I don’t think it is what you want either. So until you make me the happiest man in the world, prepare to have your ass wined and dined every chance I get.”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 23