Parker Sibling Series Box Set

by Leigh Ann Lunsford

  Hearing that she was thinking of switching schools and was just as miserable makes me feel like an even bigger douche. Shit, why didn’t I just talk to her? I feel like this is where it all changed for us. From that moment, she was always a bit guarded with me. I knew I had her whole heart, but I don’t think she ever felt safe with me anymore. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it did. “Well, babe. We have to talk about that year apart. It isn’t something I am proud of, but you know about Amy. It was right after I broke up with you. I was trashed, and I didn’t even know how the hell I got in that situation. Then when she showed back up in our lives during the Colby and Brielle situation, I lied about it. I was scared. Scared of losing you. I knew I didn’t want anyone to be the mother of my children but you, and I kept asking myself how I did this. I set it all in motion that day I walked away from you. After that night with her, I had no contact with her until she called saying I was her baby daddy. And we both know that was a lie. Thank God. But besides her, there was nobody else. I couldn’t do it to you. I am sorry for that, and I will never forgive myself for causing that damage to us. I know I have no right to ask, but please tell me what happened to you in that year.” I swallow down the bile that has risen in my throat. This is harder than I thought it would be.

  “Well, for the first few months after you broke up with me, I was a recluse. I couldn’t function, so I just put everything I had in school. I took a few extra courses and just danced as much as I could. One night, I went to a party with my roommate. I got really bored and found my way outside. There was a guy I met that night. His name was Ken, and he was really sweet to me. We dated a few weeks and fooled around. I was not ready for sex, but I can’t say I would never have. Then I got the call about my grandfather, and I came home. Brielle and I were barely holding it together. The day my grandmother died at the funeral home, I didn’t know how the fuck we were going to survive. You showed up and took care of us during that time. I know we weren’t together, but you were there when I needed you. You don’t even realize what you did for me in that time, and I knew I would never get over you. I knew that you were my forever. When I finally went back to school, I broke it off with Ken before it could go any further. I couldn’t do that to myself, or ruin what we had. I felt guilty and didn’t understand at the time why. Then I realized that even if you didn’t want me, I was yours. Damn it, Tyler you have always owned me. Always.” Her sobs shake her whole body, and I know it is not only from what was just exposed, but also remembering that time in her life, her grief and loss have taken her over. I can’t help my instinct. I reach over to grab her so I can hold her, and she starts fighting me. I can’t understand her words through her sobs, but I just let her have them. I still pick her up and place her in my lap and cradle her to me. If I could absorb all the pain she is feeling and take it away from her, I would. I don’t know how much time passes, but when I hear her speak, her words shock me.

  “Thank you, Tyler.”

  “Why in the hell are you thanking me? I am the cause of this.”

  “Maybe, but regardless you always bring me some sort of comfort. Even this last year, when I would sleep in your shirts and refuse to wash them because I could still smell you, it brought me comfort along with heartache. You knew I needed this, we needed this, and when it got hard, you listened. When it got too much for me, you held me. I don’t know how I can love you and hate you at the same time. I hate how you make me feel, but I crave it at the same time. I love you, but I hate what you did to me, to us. I just don’t know anymore.” I can tell she is emotionally drained, and as much as I don’t want to, I want to get this all out, I give her the option.

  “Do you want to stop Lil’ Bit? Is this too much, do you need a break?” God, please say no. I can’t see her in pain anymore. I know this won’t fix everything, but it may help the mending start. I can’t drag this out anymore.

  “No, Tyler. I can handle it. Just give me a minute. That was heavy.”

  I can give her a minute. Hell, I would give her all the time she wanted, and she knows it. Then I hear her giggle. “What is so funny?”

  “Ummm . . . you can put me down now.”

  I don’t think so. “Just give me a minute.” What I should have said was give me a lifetime, and then some. But a minute holding my girl is better than nothing. Once I think she is calmed down and we can continue, I set her down, but right next to me. I need her close, and when I realize she didn’t pull away, I finally take a deep breath and feel that maybe, just maybe, things will be all right. We can work through this and come out on the other side.

  Chapter21

  Addison

  I can’t believe how freeing that felt. Yes, painful and gut-wrenching, and I sobbed like a baby, but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Why didn’t we do this years ago? I know why, because we are both cowards. I honestly didn’t want to know back then what he did, and after the whole Amy and who is your baby daddy drama, I was too afraid to ask. We were too fragile. Then we broke to pieces. I really think he may have gotten to the bottom of his fears about fatherhood, but there has been so much damage. I don’t know if we can move past it, but at least we can move forward in a better place to be the best damn parents to our two angels. Oh, who am I kidding? I love this boy with all my heart, always have, probably always will, but I don’t know that this emotional healing we are doing will ever let me put my faith and trust in him. Love is powerful and makes you feel like you can conquer all. But it doesn’t heal all, no matter what people say. Love cannot conquer all.

  Tyler’s voice breaks through my thoughts, “You ready to continue?” Am I? I don’t know what comes next, because this next phase in our life was hard.

  I take a deep breath and tell him, “Okay. But we really don’t need to relive anything leading up to our second break up. We kind of covered all that with our last memory lane stroll. You lied to me for a year, broke my heart by telling me no kids, then I forgave you, and we got engaged. After seven years, we were finally there. I thought we had our whole lives ahead of us, and I find out it was all a lie. You told me what I wanted to hear, and then it all came crashing down around us.”

  “You are right and wrong at the same time. I can’t say that I did want kids or didn’t. I told you I didn’t, and we broke up. I lived without you, and it was the worst feeling ever. I could picture our lives and the whole family thing. Yes, it scared the hell out of me, and maybe I wasn’t one hundred percent sure about the kids, but that was all bullshit in my head. I was selfish, and I didn’t want to live without you. Then I could only picture my parents and did not want that happening to us. I didn’t know that was not normal.”

  “Bullshit, Tyler. You were around my grandparents and the family they created for us. You knew that was not normal. You let your fears win, and you didn’t talk to me about it. You promised me we would always work it out together.”

  “Okay, maybe it is bullshit about not being normal. But it was normal in my life. Yes, I saw that love and perfection in your grandparents, but come on, Addison. Your parents and mine are not up for parents-of-the-year award, and how the hell would we work with kids? I didn’t want to fuck up some innocent child’s life. I didn’t want another me out there.”

  “Wow, Tyler. Just wow. I don’t even have words for your selfishness. Do you think so little of me after seeing me with Cambree and Dustin? Did you really think that I would be such a shitty parent? Yes, they are my siblings, but Brielle and I raised them after my grandparents passed away. We didn’t do such a bad job. It has been hard, but that is what parenthood is. You bailed. Everyone always leaves. My grandparents, you, and someday my girls are going to grow up and leave. Don’t you think I have my own issues? But never did I bail on you or our family. Never.” I am pissed off right now. I can’t believe this selfish bullshit he is spewing. He needs to grow a pair and be truthful. Right as I am about to tell him that, his laughter echoes across the football field. He is laughing right n
ow. Oh, I am going to jail tonight. I may just kill this asshole.

  “What in the fuck are you finding so amusing? Your selfishness? You being an asshole? Please, share with the class, Tyler.” I am so mad I just literally spit those words at him. I am wiping spit off my chin with my hand while he is next to me laughing. I can’t stop myself. I ball up my fist and punch him as hard as I can in the stomach. Fuck, I think I just broke my hand. He is still laughing.

  He holds up his hand asking me to give him a minute. Oh, he better start talking and explaining. And get me some damn ice for my hand.

  “You, Lil’ Bit. I am laughing at you. You know how cute I think you are when you are mad. And baby, that was hot. You were pissed.”

  “No, I am pissed, Tyler. Not I was pissed, I still am. Present tense, keep up.”

  He is still fucking laughing. I stand up and start stomping off. I will find my own ice and call my sister to come get me. Before I can take five steps, he grabs me from behind and says, “No running. Remember?”

  “Oh, that is classic coming from you.” I shout at him. He is still just staring at me. I know I shouldn’t have said that; we are trying to get past it.

  “You done, woman?” He is trying to stop laughing and not doing a very good job.

  “I think I broke my hand, and I am still pissed off, but I am done running.” He grabs my hand and kisses it. Really, am I like five where he is kissing my boo-boos? He starts laughing harder. Oops, that slipped out, or can he read me that well?

  He leads me back to the blanket and grabs a water bottle from the cooler and places it on my hand. “It is just sore, not broken. Just keep this on it.”

  “Sorry for hitting you.”

  “No, you aren’t sorry. I think you actually wanted to hit me in the face, but you don’t have that in you. And I am sorry for laughing. But you know that gets to me every time.” Oh shit, there is that look in his eyes. I scoot back.

  “You promised talking only.” He has that hooded desire-filled look in his eyes, and I can see he is turned on. His shorts do very little to hide it. My mouth is dry, and my panties are wet. This is not a good combination.

  “I am not going to act on it, Addison. I am sorry as hell right now that I am not going to act on it, but I promised.” I finally can breathe. I know if he tried I would have been putty in that man’s hands. Every time.

  He continues, “You are wrong that my reasons were bullshit. Yes, I know relationships and kids work. I am living it. Whether you acknowledge we are in a relationship or not, we are. I see Brielle and Colby. I see my parents and your parents are the exceptions, not the rule. But, I couldn’t see that back then. That doesn’t make it right, and I can’t change that. All I can do is change how I react and handle things from now on. But we both know that wasn’t the end of us. The night you told me you were pregnant was the end. So let me go back and re-live my version, and then you can punch me again?”

  I look at him, “No more hitting. I am going to be honest; I don’t know if I can get through this. It is so fresh and raw. I still feel it, Tyler. It still hurts.”

  “I know, but we have to. I have to. When I asked you to marry me, I was dead serious about spending the rest of my life with you. I may have not been totally on board with kids, but I knew it would be okay if I had you by my side. I just knew it. The business was taking off, and we had just expanded to North Carolina. Colby wasn’t around that much; I was fucking losing my mind and busy as hell. Plus, I had the guilt of all my mistakes because we had never done this, never talked them out. But, I never doubted you were my life, my whole future. We weren’t even married, we took precautions, and then you told me you were pregnant. I reacted. To what? To this day I still don’t know. I just saw all of ‘our time’ being taken away, never having just us. Just us worked. It was all I knew. I was selfish and jealous of my own kid. I know it sounds fucked up. I saw how happy you were, and I tried to remember the last time I had seen it. Then I realized that it wasn’t me who made you that happy. It was the child inside of you. I know you are calling me every name in the book right now, because yeah, it sounds fucked up to my own ears. I was scared. That is no excuse, but I freaked. I left. I was wrong. I can’t say it any other way, Addison. But when I called you, and I had realized how wrong I was, you told me, ‘there was no pregnancy to worry about.’ I cried that night. I cried for us, for you, for what I thought we lost. I cried for me, because at that moment I realized how much I wanted that life with you. Then I hear about Mitch and you being pregnant. I hated you. I hated me more, but I hated that you created a life without me. I sure as hell didn’t create anything without you. I stopped talking to everybody because I couldn’t hear about your new life and happiness when I was in misery. I know I hurt you more than I can imagine, but don’t think for one minute that I wasn’t broken. I was gutted and in so much pain it hurt to breathe. Then I hear from Cambree that the twins are mine, and with all the anger and hurt I felt, I was more relieved. I was relieved you couldn’t replace me, that there was a piece of you and me alive and breathing, well two pieces. I didn’t stop and think about anything. I just got in my truck and drove. I drove to you and our babies.”

  I know he just threw a whole shit load of emotions at me, and I will process them in a minute, but did he just say Cambree told him? I can’t believe that little shit. I take a deep breath and clear my head. That is not what is important right now, but I am still going to kill her.

  “Wow. I get what you are saying, but you still left. You told me to ‘fix it.’ What the hell, Tyler? I was happy and blessed because our love had created the baby. So yes, it was you that made me that happy. I didn’t expect a fairytale. I knew it was going to be work, and I know you were going through your own shit. But was I that insignificant that you couldn’t talk to me? You always react first and then try and fix it later. When you called me, maybe I shouldn’t have said what I did. But you asked for an out, and I gave you one. I was living the life my grandparents and I always thought we would have. We had a future, and you left. You walked the fuck out and went to another state. I was by myself. Then I found out we were having twins, and I was completely falling apart. How was I going to do this? Yes, Mitch was around, but as a friend. He has his own issues, but he was always supportive and helpful. When he saw how I was struggling with everything, and people assumed he was the dad, he never corrected them and neither did I. Maybe that was wrong, but what was I supposed to say? Oh, I told the man I love . . . my fiancé, the man I spent nine years with that I was pregnant, and he told me to ‘fix it,’ or he was leaving? Yeah, what is even better is that people just assumed he was the father. They assumed that I had jumped from one bed to another, but they never even thought that you left me because I was pregnant. So once again, I was the one at fault when I did nothing wrong. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was put on bed rest when I was five months pregnant because I became high-risk from stress. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t do anything but grieve and miss you. The moment when the doctor told me I was at risk and the babies were at risk, I had to stop. Those girls became my priority, not my misery. They depended on me, and I wasn’t going to fail them. I was better than that. I was stronger than that. So, I couldn’t forget you, but I stopped wanting you to save me. I stopped needing you. I could never stop loving you or stop wanting you, but you had to stop being my priority, and our kids had to be. When you walked in that party and announced you were here and here for good, I stopped feeling. I had to shut myself off, or I would end up in that place again. I can’t go back to that place, ever. I won’t go back there, and I won’t allow you to do that to us again. Me or our girls.”

  I could barely catch my breath. I needed a moment. Why did he have to push me until I broke? I am so fucking tired of him doing this to me. He pushes and pushes until he gets what he wants, and then he leaves. He has at least perfected that. I didn’t want to let him see me get that vulnerable or that weak. It is all out there now, and I can’t take it back. What an idi
ot I am to think that after that display he will stick around. I am the mental patient just waiting on a room. When I catch my breath enough to dare to look at his face, it devastates me. He is looking at me with so much regret, love, devotion, pain, and heart ache. Tyler has always told me everything he was thinking in just a look. We have always been able to communicate without words. I can see he is trying to form words, but none come to him.

  Then I barely hear, “I am so sorry. So sorry.” The tears that are streaming down his face shock my system. Could he actually be feeling all the pain I am? I just can’t bring myself to believe that, because if roles were reversed, I know I could never have walked away from him. In this moment, I am fighting everything in me. All I want to do is comfort him and hold him. Standing here is going against everything natural to me. I guess that is how I find myself in front of him, and when his arms go around me, I don’t fight it.

  Chapter 22

  Tyler

  I have my arms around Addison, but instead of feeling immensely happy, I am swallowing back bile. I want to walk away, not from her, but to protect her. It isn’t about my fears or insecurities this time; it is about protecting her. I don’t deserve her. I am the man she gave her whole heart and her body to. She gave me two gorgeous babies, and I destroyed her faith in us. I don’t want to leave her or our girls, but I don’t want her to relive this pain every day she looks at me. I had no idea . . . that is not whole-heartedly true. I knew how bad I hurt, but I didn’t realize that she was suffering just as much, or even more than I was. God, I am a douche. There are no words that can soothe this ache, fix this problem, or make her trust me again. I keep whispering in her hair how sorry I am, and those fucking words have never been so inadequate. I have been praying for this moment, but now I realize how extremely selfish that was. I didn’t take her emotions in to consideration. Once again I made this about what I wanted and what I needed. Now I need to figure out how to be who she needs, without ever hurting her again.