The Small House at Allington

by Anthony Trollope

  ‘I shall never get to the end of my story.’

  ‘Yes, you will, mamma, if you persevere.’

  ‘The long and the short of it is this, that he has given Bell three thousand pounds, and has given you three thousand also.’

  ‘But why me, mamma?’ said Lily, and the colour of her cheeks became red as she spoke. There should if possible be nothing more said about John Eames; but whatever might or might not be the necessity of speaking, at any rate, let there be no mistake. ‘But why me, mamma?’

  ‘Because, as he explained to me, he thinks it right to do the same by each of you. The money is yours at this moment – to buy hairpins with, if you please. I had no idea that he could command so large a sum.’

  ‘Three thousand pounds! The last money he gave me was half-a-crown, and I thought that he was so stingy! I particularly wanted ten shillings. I should have liked it so much better now if he had given me a nice new five-pound note.’

  ‘You’d better tell him so.’

  ‘No; because then he’d give me that too. But with five pounds I should have the feeling that I might do what I liked with it – buy a dressing-case, ad a thing for a squirrel to run round in. But nobody ever gives girls money like that, so that they can enjoy it.’

  ‘Oh, Lily; you ungrateful child!’

  ‘No, I deny it. I’m not ungrateful. I’m very grateful, because his heart was softened – and because he cried and kissed you. I’ll be ever so good to him! But how I’m to thank him for giving me three thousand pounds, I cannot think. It’s a sort of thing altogether beyond my line of life. It sounds like something that’s to come to me in another world, but which I don’t want quite yet. I am grateful, but with a misty, mazy sort of gratitude. Can you tell me how soon I shall have a new pair of Balmoral boots2 because of this money? If that were brought home to me I think it would enliven my gratitude.’

  The squire, as he rode back to Guestwick, fell again from that animation, which Mrs Dale had described, into his natural sombre mood. He thought much of his past life, declaring to himself the truth of those words in which he had told his sister-in-law that his heart had ever been kinder than his words. But the world, and all those nearest to him in the world, had judged him always by his words rather than by his heart. They had taken the appearance, which he could not command or alter, rather than the facts, of which he had been the master. Had he not been good to all his relations? – and yet was there one among them that cared for him? ‘I’m almost sorry that they are going to stay,’ he said to himself – ‘I know that I shall disappoint them.’ Yet when he met Bell at the Manor House he accosted her cheerily, telling her with not to be accomplished.

  ‘I’m so glad,’ said she. ‘It is long since I wished it.’

  ‘And I do not think your mother wishes it now.’

  ‘I am sure she does not. It was all a misunderstanding from the first. When some of us could not do all that you wished, we thought it better –’ Then Bell paused, finding that she would get herself into a mess if she persevered.

  ‘We will not say any more about it,’ said the squire. ‘The thing is over, and I am very glad that it should be so pleasantly settled. I was talking to Dr Crofts yesterday.’

  ‘Were you, uncle?’

  ‘Yes; and he is to come and stay with me the day before he is married. We have arranged it all. And we’ll have the breakfast up at the Great House. Only you must fix the day. I should say some time in March. And, my dear, you’ll want to make yourself fine; here’s a little money for you. You are to spend that before your marriage, you know.’ Then he shambled away, and as soon as he was alone, again became sad and despondent. He was a man for whom we may predicate some gentle sadness and continued despondency to the end of his life’s chapter.

  We left John Eames in the custody of Lady Julia, who had overtaken him in the act of erasing Lily’s name from the railing which ran across the brook. He had been premeditating an escape home to his mother’s house in Guestwick, and thence back to London, without making any further appearance at the Manor House. But as soon as he heard Lady Julia’s step, and saw her figure close upon him, he knew that his retreat was cut off from him. So he allowed himself to be led away quietly up to the house. With Lady Julia herself he openly discussed the whole matter – telling her that his hopes were over, his happiness gone, and his heart half-broken. Though he would perhaps have cared but little for her congratulations in success, he could make himself more amenable to consolation and sympathy from her than from any other inmate in the earl’s house. ‘I don’t know what I shall say to your brother,’ he whispered to her, as they approached the side door at which she intended to enter.

  ‘Will you let me break it to him? After that he will say a few words to you of course, but you need not be afraid of him.’

  ‘And Mr Dale?’ said Johnny. ‘Everybody has heard about it. Everybody will know what a fool I have made myself.’ She suggested that the earl should speak to the squire, assured him that nobody would think him at all foolish, and then left him to make his way up to his own bedroom. When there he found a letter from Cradell, which had been delivered in his absence; but the contents of that letter may best be deferred to the next chapter. They were not of a nature to give him comfort or to add to his sorrow.

  About an hour before dinner there was a knock at his door, and the earl himself, when summoned, made his appearance in the room. He was dressed in his usual farming attire, having been caught by Lady Julia on his first approach to the house, and had come away direct to his young friend, after having been duly trained in what he ought to say by his kind-hearted sister. I am not, however, prepared to declare that he strictly followed his sister’s teaching in all that he said upon the occasion.

  ‘Well, my boy,’ he began, ‘so the young lady has been perverse.’

  ‘Yes, my lord. That is, I don’t know about being perverse. It is all over.’

  ‘That’s as may be, Johnny. As far as I know, not half of them accept their lovers the first time of asking.’

  ‘I shall not ask her again.’

  ‘Oh, yes, you will. You don’t mean to say you are angry with her for refusing you.’

  ‘Not in the least. I have no right to be angry. I am only angry with myself for being such a fool, Lord De Guest. I wish I had been dead before I came down here on this errand. Now I think of it, I know there are so many things which ought to have made me sure how it would be.’

  ‘I don’t see that at all. You come down again – let me see – it’s May now. Say you come when the shooting begins in September. If we can’t get you leave of absence in any other way, we’ll make old Buffle come too. Only, by George, I believe he’d shoot us all. But never mind; we’ll manage that. You keep up your spirits till September, and then we’ll fight the battle another way. The squire shall get up a little party for the bride, and my lady Lily must go then. You shall meet her so; and then we’ll shoot over the squire’s land. We’ll bring you together so; you see if we don’t. Lord bless me! Refused once! My belief is, that in these days a girl thinks nothing of a man till she has refused him half-a-dozen times.’

  ‘I don’t think Lily is at all like that.’

  ‘Look here, Johnny. I have not a word to say against Miss Lily. I like her very much, and think her one of the nicest girls I know. When she’s your wife, I’ll love her dearly, if she’ll let me. But she’s made of the same stuff as other girls, and will act in the same way. Things have gone a little astray among you, and they won’t right themselves all in a minute. She knows now what your feelings are, and she’ll go on thinking of it, till at last you’ll be in her thoughts more than that other fellow. Don’t tell me about her becoming an old maid, because at her time of life she has been so unfortunate as to come across a false-hearted man like that. It may take a little time; but if you’ll carry on and not be down-hearted, you’ll find it will all come right in the end. Everybody doesn’t get all that they want in a minute. How I shall quiz you about all this
when you have been two or three years married!’

  ‘I don’t think I shall ever be able to ask her again; and I feel sure, if I do, that her answer will be the same. She told me in so many words –; but never mind, I cannot repeat her words.’

  ‘I don’t want you to repeat them; nor yet to heed them beyond their worth. Lily Dale is a very pretty girl; clever, too, I believe, and good, I’m sure; but her words are not more sacred then those of other men or women. What she has said to you now, she means, no doubt; but the minds of men and women are prone to change, especially when such changes are conducive to their own happiness.’

  ‘At any rate I’ll never forget your kindness, Lord De Guest.’

  ‘And there is one other thing I want to say to you, Johnny. A man should never allow himself to be cast down by anything – not outwardly, to the eyes of other men.’

  ‘But how is he to help it?’

  ‘His pluck should prevent him. You were not afraid of a roaring bull, nor yet of that man when you thrashed him at the railway station. You’ve pluck enough of that kind. You must now show that you’ve that other kind of pluck. You know the story of the boy who would not cry though the wolf was gnawing him underneath his frock.3 Most of us have some wolf to gnaw us somewhere; but we are generally gnawed beneath our clothes, so that the world doesn’t see; and it behoves us so to bear it that the world shall not suspect. The man who goes about declaring himself to be miserable will be not only miserable, but contemptible as well.’

  ‘But the wolf hasn’t gnawed me beneath my clothes; everybody knows it.’

  ‘Then let those who do know it learn that you are able to bear such wounds without outward complaint. I tell you fairly that I cannot sympathize with a lackadaisical lover.’

  ‘I know that I have made myself ridiculous to everybody. I wish I had never come here. I wish you had never seen me.’

  ‘Don’t say that, my dear boy; but take my advice for what it is worth. And remember what it is that I say; with your grief I do sympathize, but not with any outward expression of it – not with melancholy looks, and a sad voice, and an unhappy gait. A man should always be able to drink his wine and seem to enjoy it. If he can’t, he is so much less of a man than he would be otherwise – not so much more, as some people seem to think. Now get yourself dressed, my dear fellow, and come down to dinner as though nothing had happened to you.’

  As soon as the earl was gone John looked at his watch and saw that it still wanted some forty minutes to dinner. Fifteen minutes would suffice for him to dress, and therefore there was time sufficient for him to seat himself in his arm-chair and think over it all. He had for a moment been very angry when his friend had told him that he could not sympathize with a lackadaisical lover. It was an ill-natured word. He felt it to be so when he heard it, and so he continued to think during the whole of the half-hour that he sat in that chair. But it probably did him more good than any word that the earl had ever spoken to him – or any other word that he could have used. ‘Lackadaisical! I’m not lackadaisical,’ he said to himself, jumping up from his chair, and instantly sitting down again. ‘I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t tell him. Why did he come to me?’ And yet, though he endeavoured to abuse Lord De Guest in his thoughts, he knew that Lord De Guest was right, and that he was wrong. He knew that he had been lackadaisical, and was ashamed of himself; and at once resolved that he would henceforth demean himself as though no calamity had happened to him. ‘I’ve a good mind to take him at his word, and drink wine till I’m drunk.’ Then he strove to get up his courage by a song.

  If she be not fair for me,

  What care I how –4

  ‘But I do care. What stuff it is a man writing poetry and putting into it such lies as that! Everybody knows that he did care – that is, if he wasn’t a heartless beast.’

  But nevertheless, when the time came for him to go down into the drawing-room he did make the effort which his friend had counselled, and walked into the room with less of that hang-dog look than the earl and Lady Julia had expected. They were both there, as was also the squire, and Bell followed him in less than a minute.

  ‘You haven’t seen Crofts today, John, have you?’ said the earl.

  ‘No; I haven’t been anywhere his way!’

  ‘His way! His ways are every way, I take it. I wanted him to come and dine, but he seemed to think it improper to eat two dinners in the same house two days running. Isn’t that his theory, Miss Dale?’

  ‘I’m sure I don’t know, Lord De Guest. At any rate, it isn’t mine.’

  So they went to their feast, and before his last chance was over John Eames found himself able to go through the pretence of enjoying his roast mutton.

  There can, I think, be no doubt that in all such calamities as that which he was now suffering, the agony of the misfortune is much increased by the conviction that the facts of the case are known to those round about the sufferer. A most warm-hearted and intensely-feeling young gentleman might, no doubt, eat an excellent dinner after being refused by the girl of his devotions, provided that he had reason to believe that none of those in whose company he ate it knew anything of his rejection. But the same warm-hearted and intensely-feeling young gentleman would find it very difficult to go through the ceremony with any appearance of true appetite or gastronomic enjoyment, if he were aware that all his convives knew all the facts of his little misfortune. Generally, we may suppose, a man in such condition goes to his club for his dinner, or seeks consolation in the shades of some adjacent Richmond or Hampton Court. There he meditates on his condition in silence, and does ultimately enjoy his little plate of whitebait, his cutlet, and his moderate pint of sherry. He probably goes alone to the theatre, and, in his stall, speculates with a somewhat bitter sarcasm on the vanity of the world. Then he returns home, sad indeed, but with a moderated sadness, and as he puffs out the smoke of his cigar at the open window – with perhaps the comfort of a little brandy-and-water at his elbow – swears to himself that, ‘By Jove, he’ll have another try for it.’ Alone, a man may console himself, or among a crowd of unconscious mortals; but it must be admitted that the position of John Eames was severe. He had been invited down there to woo Lily Dale, and the squire and Bell had been asked to be present at the wooing. Had it all gone well, nothing could have been nicer. He would have been the hero of the hour, and everybody would have sung for him his song of triumph. But everything had not gone well, and he found it very difficult to carry himself otherwise than lackadaisically. On the whole, however, his effort was such that the earl gave him credit for his demeanour, and told him when parting with him for the night that he was a fine fellow, and that everything should go right with him yet.

  ‘And you mustn’t be angry with me for speaking harshly to you,’ he said.

  ‘I wasn’t a bit angry.’

  ‘Yes, you were; and I rather meant that you should be. But you mustn’t go away in dudgeon.’

  He stayed at the Manor House one day longer, and then he returned to his room at the Income-tax Office, to the disagreeable sound of Sir Raffle’s little bell, and the much more disagreeable sound of Sir Raffle’s big voice.

  CHAPTER 59

  JOHN EAMES BECOMES A MAN

  EAMES, WHEN he was half-way up to London in the railway carriage took out from his pocket a letter and read it. During the former portion of his journey he had been thinking of other things; but gradually he had resolved that it would be better for him not to think more of those other things for the present, and therefore he had recourse to his letter by way of dissipating his thoughts. It was from Cradell, and ran as follows –

  Income-tax Office, May — 186—

  MY DEAR JOHN,

  I HOPE the tidings which I have to give you will not make you angry, and that you will not think I am untrue to the great friendship which I have for you because of that which I am now going to tell you. There is no man – [and the word man was underscored] – there is no man whose regard I value so highly as I do y
ours; and though I feel that you can have no just ground to be displeased with me after all that I have heard you say on many occasions, nevertheless, in matters of the heart it is very hard for one person to understand the sentiments of another, and when the affections of a lady are concerned, I know what quarrels will sometimes arise.

  Eames, when he had got so far as this, on the first perusal of the letter, knew well what was to follow. ‘Poor Caudle!’ he said to himself; ‘he’s hooked, and he’ll never get himself off the hook again.’

  But let that be as it may, the matter has now gone too far for any alteration to be made by me; nor would any mere earthly inducement suffice to change me. The claims of friendship are very strong, but those of love are paramount. Of course I know all that has passed between you and Amelia Roper. Much of this I had heard from you before, but the rest she has now told me with that pure-minded honesty which is the most remarkable feature in her character. She has confessed that at one time she felt attached to you, and that she was induced by your perseverance to allow you to regard her as your fiancy. [Fancy-girl he probably conceived to be the vulgar English for the elegant term which he used.] But all that must be over between you now. Amelia has promised to be mine – [this also was underscored] – and mine I intend that she shall be. That you may find in the kind smiles of L.D. consolation for any disappointment which this may occasion you, is the ardent wish of your true friend,

  JOSEPH CRADELL

  P.S. – Perhaps I had better tell you the whole. Mrs Roper has been in some trouble about her house. She is a little in arrears with her rent, and some bills have not been paid. As the explained that she has been brought into this by those dreadful Lupexes I have consented to take the house into my own hands, and have given bills to one or two tradesmen for small amounts. Of course she will take them up, but it was the credit that was wanting. She will carry on the house, but I shall, in fact, be the proprietor. I suppose it will not suit you now to remain here, but don’t you think I might make it comfortable enough for some of our fellows; say half-a-dozen, or so? That is Mrs Roper’s idea, and I certainly think it is not a bad one. Our first efforts must be to get rid of the Lupexes. Miss Spruce goes next week. In the meantime we are all taking our meals up in our own rooms, so that there is nothing for the Lupexes to eat. But they don’t seem to mind that, and still keep the sitting-room and best bedroom. We mean to lock them out after Tuesday, and send all their boxes to the public-house.