Wanderlust

by Natalie K. Martin

  Across the clearing, the front door of the volunteer bungalow opened and Alex stepped out onto the porch. He was wearing his jeans and, unusually, a plain grey t-shirt. Selina watched as he sat on the wall of the porch, stretching his legs out in front of him. Penny was wrong. Not everything in Colinas Verde was organic and wholesome. Not when Alex was around. The fragrance of mint caught her attention and she looked back at Penny who was pouring more tea.

  ‘And how are you getting on with Alex?’

  ‘I don’t know what to make of him yet,’ Selina replied, playing down the attraction that had started to gnaw at her since they’d stood in the kitchen together earlier after she’d hurt herself.

  ‘I’m really going to miss him when he’s gone,’ Penny said.

  Selina tried to shove away the unreasonable feeling of inadequacy creeping over her. He’d clearly made quite an impact during his stay at Colinas Verde. He seemed to know everyone, as well as what needed to be done and how to do it. Meanwhile, she felt as though she’d just walked onto an alien planet. What if she was being delusional about being able to fend for herself over the next few months?

  She’d already injured herself. That wasn’t exactly a good omen for what was to come. What if Penny, and everyone else she came across, saw her as a hapless Londoner who didn’t have a clue what to do away from the security of being in a big city? What if they looked at her and saw a fraud?

  Selina shook her head. She was being silly. She might have left because she’d had to, but it had taken courage to hand her notice in and jump on a plane alone. What she was feeling was Imposter Syndrome. It was only because of Alex’s apparent ability to do everything that was making her feel this way.

  ‘Is he the first volunteer you’ve had?’ Selina asked.

  ‘Oh no. We’ve had people passing through for almost two years now, but it’s taken a while to attract the right kind of people. We want to live in a world of compassion and understanding, and Alex has really taken to this place and what it’s all about.’

  Just at that moment, he looked up from his book and straight at them before waving.

  ‘Mm,’ Selina replied and drank more of her tea, trying to swallow away her self-doubt with it.

  The right kind of people. Was she one of them? Would she have stopped to pick up those two kids on the way to Canderas if she’d have been in Alex’s position? She felt a flash of guilt as she realised that the answer would probably be no. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. When Alex had told her who they were and why they were there, tears had pricked at her eyes. Of course there were refugees back home, but she barely ever noticed them. In London, she barely ever noticed anything. What kind of person did that make her? It was a question she wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer to, but she found herself telling Penny about the unscheduled pit stop on their way into town.

  ‘If there’s one thing about travelling,’ Penny said once Selina had finished, ‘it’s that it opens your eyes to the world. It’s the greatest gift anyone can ever receive. A few months ago, Alex might not have even noticed those kids. Travelling is a journey, in every sense of the word, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me saying that he’s come a long way since he’s been here.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘I had my doubts about him at first. I wasn’t sure he could adapt to somewhere like this, especially when he told me about the way he used to party and everything.’

  Selina frowned. Alex, partying? When she’d told him she’d been to Ibiza for clubbing holidays, he’d looked at her as if she’d just admitted to sticking pins in her eyes for fun.

  ‘I suppose most travellers are either looking for, or running from something in one way or another,’ Penny continued. ‘The great thing about this place, is that it’s perfect for self-reflection.’

  Across the clearing, Alex bit into an apple and Selina watched him over the rim of her cup. So Alex might not be everything he appeared to be. He’d seemed genuinely sorry that she’d cut her hand earlier, even if he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say the words. Penny clearly liked him and Selina couldn’t help the curiosity that was growing inside of her. She had her reasons for running away to Colinas Verde, but what were his?

  Day Three

  Chapter Five

  Alex yawned and pushed down the plunger in the cafetière as he heard Selina come into the bungalow and make her way into the kitchen.

  ‘Morning.’ She smiled and took a glass from the draining board by the sink.

  ‘Morning.’

  Why had she smiled at him like that? And did she really have to walk around in such tiny hot pants? He breathed in the vibrant smell of coffee as he poured it to distract him but it wasn’t easy, not when she had legs that went on for miles. An image of her lying in bed with those long legs stretched out flashed up in his head but he shoved it away.

  ‘Penny’s yoga class is great,’ she said, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. ‘It’s been ages since I’ve done it. I’d forgotten how good it is. She said you usually go too?’

  Alex nodded, trying to work out why she was suddenly so friendly. ‘Sometimes, but I couldn’t get up early enough this morning. I was up reading until late.’

  It was only half true. He had stayed up late reading, but he’d stayed up even later, thinking. The recovery from his climbing accident had been long and slow, and he’d been fuelled with rage, asking himself why it had happened to him. Why, after finding something that he loved, that he could do well, that challenged him like nothing ever had before, had it been taken away? Why hadn’t his injury been different? What was it about his bones and his body that meant he’d never be able to climb again?

  His book was telling him that he, along with everything else in the world, was dying, every second of every day. It was telling him that everything and everyone should be treated with compassion but after his accident, compassion was something he’d had little time for. He’d gone from being ultra health conscious and focussed, to someone whose main driver was the pursuit of fun, taking it wherever and however he could get it. All he’d wanted to do was block out the pain but, in the end, he’d ended up inflicting it on other people.

  He’d laid awake, thinking about Marie, the girl he’d left behind, feeling the heavy weight of shame. She’d been the reason he hadn’t been able to sleep. He’d seen her face until the sky had begun to brighten in the early hours of the morning. That was why he’d skipped yoga this morning. The last thing he’d wanted was to lie down for ten minutes at the end of the class with his mind confronting him with all the things he’d done wrong.

  ‘And how was it?’ Selina asked, sitting at the kitchen table.

  ‘How was what?’

  ‘Your book.’

  He took a long sip of his coffee. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about what that book had made him think about. Why was she even interested? She’d clearly thought was too clever for him.

  ‘It’s not exactly a light read, is it?’ she pressed.

  ‘If I’m going to pick up a book, it has to be something worth my time. I’m not into stories about CIA agents or vampires.’

  ‘At least those kind of books are entertaining. One about living and dying?’ she grimaced and drained her glass of juice. ‘Sounds depressing to me.’

  ‘It’s more about how to live well than dying. It’s basic Buddhism. If more people read books like that, the world might be a nicer place.’

  ‘You’re a Buddhist?’ she raised her eyebrows.

  He shook his head. ‘No, but the philosophy interests me. I don’t identify with any religion.’

  ‘Me neither.’ She grinned, and he couldn’t help but notice the way it lit up her face. ‘My parents are Christians but I’d never call myself one. Penny said that apples fall far from the tree sometimes. I’m beginning to think that maybe she’s right.’

  ‘Penny’s right about a lot of things. She’s a smart woman.’

  His phone vibrated on the side and he picked
it up. As soon as he looked at the screen, he wished he hadn’t. WhatsApp message notifications stacked up one by one on his screen and he clenched his jaws. He might not be back in Berlin but the world had a funny way of shoving the place back into his face, especially when he least wanted it to.

  ‘You have a phone?’ she asked, as if it were the least likely thing she could ever have imagined.

  He looked down at it before looking back at Selina. ‘Of course I do. Don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, but I thought you were a…’

  ‘A what?’

  Selina shrugged and unless he was mistaken, he was sure he could detect the same look of embarrassment on her face that she’d had when she’d first seen his book.

  ‘A hippy, I guess.’

  Alex laughed and put the phone back on the side. ‘Why? Because I walk around without shoes and I don’t have some trendy, hipster haircut?’ He shook his head as Selina visibly cringed behind her glass. ‘I suppose if I told you I had a Facebook account, you’d faint?’

  ‘Ha, ha.’ Selina replied, deadpan. ‘I just didn’t expect it, that’s all.’

  ‘I’m from Berlin, not Mars.’

  ‘You’re from Berlin? I’d been trying to figure out where your accent was from.’

  He hadn’t thought she was interested, since she never asked.

  ‘My mum’s English and I’ve got friends from all over the place back home,’ he explained. ‘I don’t have a typical German accent.’

  ‘Cool.’

  Alex sipped at his coffee while she sipped at her orange juice and for a few seconds, neither of them said anything. Had he missed something? Maybe he was a little out of sorts from lack of sleep, but had they actually just had a normal conversation without her giving him a single withering look? He looked at her as she drew small circles on her glass with her finger. Eventually, she broke the silence by scraping her chair back and got up from the table.

  ‘Right, well,’ she said. ‘I’d better get ready for work. What are you up to today?’

  ‘I need to put the paint we bought yesterday to good use.’

  ‘Good luck.’ She nodded and smiled.

  As she left the kitchen, he found himself unable to keep his gaze away from the perfect curve of her hips and thought back to yesterday, when he’d watched her sitting out on Penny’s porch during the storm. He’d tried to concentrate on his book but gave in when he realised he’d re-read the same page almost a dozen times. He’d watched the way she smiled when Penny spoke to her and it was as if the girl who’d arrived with manicured nails, a face full of make up and unsuitable shoes was slowly becoming someone else. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen another side to a beautiful woman, but this time it was different. It was like she was becoming someone he wanted to get to know instead of running away from.

  Alex looked at his phone and pictured Marie, sitting in her Berlin apartment, wondering why he still hadn’t replied after almost three months away. When they’d met at a mutual friend’s house party, he’d been fascinated with her. She’d walked into the room and it was like being showered with light. She was effervescent, friendly and beautiful, and if there was ever a life and soul of the party, she was it. Everyone wanted a piece, including him. Until he’d realised that none of it was real and by that time, it was too late. The real Marie was destructive, possessive and precariously emotional. It was only when they’d party and get high that she’d become the Marie who had captivated him like nobody else before.

  How could he have told Marie that, when he’d realised what his life was descending into, he’d had to leave, and that meant leaving her too? How could he tell her that he couldn’t be with someone who had an insatiable appetite for self-destruction? He couldn’t, so he’d left her a note explaining he was going away instead. He’d known she’d needed help but she didn’t want it and he’d had to make a choice: stay and become someone he was beginning to hate, or leave and try and get back to the person he used to be.

  After the first few messages she’d sent, calling him every name under the sun, he’d simply stopped reading them because he’d known that he deserved it. Being with Marie had been an invaluable life lesson and that was why he’d promised himself not to get involved with anyone, at least not until he was ready. He had to deal with getting used to his new life without getting distracted by someone else’s.

  He wasn’t a bad person, was he? He’d been brought up well and he was a sensitive guy at heart but after his accident, he just hadn’t cared anymore. It could’ve been a lot worse, he knew that. He could’ve ended up disabled, or even dead, but losing the ability to climb completely had filled him with rage and the sharp feeling of inadequacy. It had lessened as soon as he’d gone through the security gate at the airport and he didn’t want to look back.

  He frowned as he swilled some water around his empty cup before putting it in the dishwasher. He needed to banish these thoughts from his head and look forward to Croatia but, instead of being filled with the usual anticipation of arriving at a new destination and meeting up with old friends, all he felt was a gnawing sense of apprehension. Maybe Colinas Verde had grabbed more of a hold on him than he thought.

  Alex stretched his arms over his head. He’d escaped dealing with his inner demons in Penny’s yoga class that morning, but it was hitting him with full force now and it didn’t help that his body was aching with the missed opportunity to stretch and realign itself. He’d go tomorrow.

  He walked to his room, trying to psyche himself up for work. His elbow still ached and he had to paint the hut. It was going to be a long day.

  Just as he opened the door to his bedroom, Selina emerged from hers, wrapped in a towel. She smiled at him again as she walked past him to the bathroom and, before he even realised what he was doing, he stopped and turned to look at her.

  ‘Hey. You any good with a paintbrush?’

  It turned out she was great with a paintbrush, if a little slow. He’d covered almost twice as much as she had, but the last minute decision to ask Selina to help had turned out to the right thing to do. Philipe was in bed with a fever and he’d have been on his own otherwise. Alex looked at her as she crouched down, jabbing the paintbrush into the small grooves in the wood to make sure the coverage was even.

  ‘You’re very thorough,’ he said as she went back over a patch she’d only just covered.

  She looked up at him before dipping her brush back into the pot. ‘Well, if I’m going to do something, I like to do it properly.’

  ‘And slowly, too.’ He grinned to show that he was just teasing her and even though she looked at the floor, he saw the grin on her face too.

  ‘I never promised I’d be quick.’

  ‘Thankfully, otherwise I’d be very disappointed,’ he replied, bending down to add more paint to his brush.

  ‘Yes, well.’ She looked at him. ‘We can’t all be perfect.’

  She turned back to the wall and he fought to hide his smile. Had she just called him perfect? He was sure she had and, despite the blazing sun beaming down on them, it warmed him from the inside out.

  He was enjoying working with Selina and although this situation - slipping into what seemed like the beginning of an easy friendship with a pretty girl - was nothing new, the way he was dealing with it was. Usually, he’d be looking for signs that things could go further but this time, it was different. He was determined to stick to his promise and not even allow himself to think about any girl as anything more than a friend. It wasn’t easy with Selina, not now that she was being so nice to him but still, he had no desire to even consider straying from his promise.

  It was hard to change overnight, but this time, he was determined not to screw it up.

  Chapter Six

  Selina put her empty plate on the ground and brushed away the crumbs from her legs. It had been a beautiful evening. The fire had been lit in the steel bowl in the centre of the clearing and around them, people sat huddled in conversation while someone strummed on a guitar. T
he small solar powered torches stuck into the ground glowed as they lit the way back to each of the bungalows and it felt like, for the first time, she’d been able to appreciate the place for what it was.

  ‘So, what’s the verdict?’ Alex asked.

  ‘Hm, not bad,’ she replied, uncrossing her legs and crossing them again.

  ‘Not bad? By the way you were smacking your lips together, I’d have said it was the best thing you’d ever eaten.’

  She grinned and swatted his arm. ‘I did not.’

  ‘Did too.’

  Selina shook her head and looked down at the ground. Since talking to Penny during the storm, she’d found herself thawing towards Alex. She was curious and her inexplicable hostility towards him was rapidly receding. Instead, she was noticing how funny and smart he was. She was enjoying his company, but this? Why had she swatted his arm like that? It was like she was ten years old again, chasing her crush around the playground and that was most definitely not good. She looked back up at him to see him smiling as he took a swig of his beer.

  ‘Okay,’ she conceded. ‘It was really good. For a veggie barbecue, anyway.’

  ‘Veggie barbecues are the best. Fresh salads, grilled cheese…’

  ‘Sausages, burgers…’

  ‘Burning flesh?’ Alex grimaced. ‘No thanks. You’re going to have to get that meat craving under control if you want to survive around here.’

  Selina picked up her glass of orange juice from the ground. ‘I don’t know where you’ve got this idea of me being a massive meat addict from, considering I’ve been vegetarian for, ooh, I dunno. About three years.’

  He held his bottle a few inches away from his lips. ‘Really?’

  She nodded. ‘I used to have stomach problems and I found that I felt better after cutting meat out of my diet, so I became a vegetarian. I eat fish, though.’