by Fiona Palmer
And there was that butterfly flutter in her chest! His words moved her. But it wasn’t just his words. It was the way he stared at her as if she truly were the most beautiful thing on earth. She felt his power, strong and gentle at once. No one had ever conveyed so much to her in such a small moment. She couldn’t help comparing him to Arthur. Nothing Arthur could say or do would ever make her feel so alive as she did when she was near Rocco. She turned back to the kangaroo and touched its ear, trying desperately to hide her joy from her family. Her mother could never know about the feelings she had around Rocco and she worried just how obvious it might be.
Charlie told them to get ready for the photo, and Maggie raised the camera. She couldn’t even think of the lives Rocco might have taken while in the war. He seemed too quietly spoken and gentle to be capable of any harm. But he did look so strong and manly standing there with the gun in his hand – and with his dark eyes, even slightly dangerous.
Somehow, that didn’t seem to worry her one little bit.
13
TONI strode towards the shearing shed in the early morning light. The air was cool against her skin but she welcomed it, for soon enough she’d be craving it after working in the hot shed. Today they would be finished. The shearers hadn’t turned up yet so she had time to get some bales done and put the last of the sheep in the pens. She started up the steps to the shed but paused on the first one. Something wasn’t quite right.
The cockies were screeching in the large gum tree by the sheep yards, the sky was a wide pale blue and there was not a cloud in sight. Her eyes sought out what her gut had warned. There were fewer sheep in the outside yards, and at the top of the steps sat Gypsy, watching her quietly except for the thump of her tail.
Damn. Jimmy. Sure enough, she headed up the steps and spied him down near the piles of graded wool, walking a massive armload back to the wool press. Some of the wool trailed behind him like lumpy strands from a spider’s web.
‘You beat me to it.’ Toni stepped towards the pile of fleeces and gathered up an armful of the same grade. Jimmy stood by the press as she pushed in her load.
‘Sorry, a bloody mouse woke me up at four, scratching around the roof, so I got up. I chucked some baits up there. Didn’t you hear it?’
‘Ah, no. Pretty restless night actually. I only got to sleep at two, but slept like a log till six. Didn’t even hear you get up.’
Jimmy’s eyes pierced hers. ‘Still thinking about Rocco?’
Her shoulders dropped. ‘Yeah, I guess. I don’t know how to forgive my mum for this. It’s just . . .’ Really, she had no words for the torment twisting inside her. She didn’t know who she was any more, besides half Italian.
‘Hard?’ He reached out, holding her arm briefly.
‘Very.’ She rubbed some sleep from her eyes.
‘Wanna put the kettle on?’ he said eventually. ‘I’ll finish this up.’ Jimmy set the press on its way and then hooked in the bale fasteners before releasing it.
With the kettle on, Toni helped him move the bale towards the end of the shed where the old flat-top truck sat. They nearly had a full load.
They chatted about the quality of the wool while the kettle boiled. Jimmy made their cups of coffee and they took them to the steps where they could watch the sunrise.
Jimmy sat down on the boards, one leg over the edge and the other one propped up so he could lean on it. Toni slipped off her boots and crossed her legs, her jeans pulling tight across her knees.
‘Man, how do you do that?’ said Jimmy, putting down his cup.
‘Do what?’
‘Sit like that? That’s something Flick would do. You’re very flexible,’ he said.
‘For my age . . . Is that what you were thinking?’ Toni kept a straight face, even when she could see Jimmy starting to squirm.
‘No, not at all. I mean, I couldn’t do that. You’re practically twisted up like a pretzel.’
‘I may be old but a bit of yoga is good for the body. Being flexible stops a lot of aches and general tightness across my back.’
Jimmy tilted his head and the sunlight filtered through his blond hair, making a halo glow. ‘See, I didn’t know that. After all these years there is still stuff I don’t know about you.’
Toni laughed. ‘That’s probably about it. Not much you don’t already know.’ She felt him watching her as she sipped her coffee.
‘Well, what happened with Flick’s father? Did you not want to find him? Do you know where he is, and how come you didn’t meet anyone after him?’
Toni turned to him with her mouth open. ‘Jesus, Jim, I think you got the wrong job. We do farm work here, not PI stuff. Talk about bombarding me with the tough questions.’
‘Hey, they were all the ones I could think of at the time.’ He was still waiting for her answers.
What harm would talking to him do? She’d never had anyone to talk to about this stuff except for her friend Alice, who’d moved to town ten years ago. She couldn’t talk to Flick or Maggie. She took a deep breath.
‘Right. Well, Flick’s father – his name was Simon – was a one-night stand. Which you already know. He left town with his crew before I even knew I was pregnant. Flick has tried to look for him but we don’t have enough information. Besides, I’m not sure if I want her to. He might be a disappointment, he might reject her – or even worse, Flick might want to go spend time with him.’
‘You’re worried you’ll lose her?’
Toni shrugged. But Jimmy had hit the nail on the head. She didn’t want to risk Felicity’s heart or her own.
‘You know that would never happen. Flick loves this place. She loves you.’
‘I know, it’s silly, right? But life is great how it is, why go and complicate things by digging up old graves?’
Jimmy’s eyebrow raised and she knew she was about to get a lecture of sorts.
‘This sounds a lot like something Maggie might have thought about with you and Rocco.’
Toni turned away, gazing towards the sheep in the yard. She heard what he was saying but chose not to let it sink in.
Jimmy pushed no further on that subject. ‘What if Flick’s father is delighted? And don’t you think she deserves to know who made up the other half of her DNA? I know for a fact she feels like she’s missing something and she’d chew off her right arm to find him.’
Toni looked into her cup. ‘She’s talked to you about it?’ she whispered.
‘Yes, of course. She’s craving any little details. Anything that can make her understand who she is.’
Jimmy was right. Toni had figured not talking about him would solve the problem, but she hadn’t realised how much it consumed Flick.
‘Put yourself in her shoes. Right now it’s not that hard, is it?’ Jimmy leant closer. ‘Don’t you want to find Rocco? Don’t you want to know what he’s like and to see if you look like him, walk like him or have the same stubbornness?’
Toni would have contradicted him on the last part but she was too tired. Mentally she was drained like a dam in a drought. Her fight was dwindling.
‘And what about my other question?’ Jimmy persisted. ‘How come you didn’t meet anyone after Simon?’
Toni would have much rather talked about the micron of their wool. ‘As if the flies aren’t bad enough today,’ she said with a sigh.
Jimmy shot her one of his best smiles and Toni relented.
‘After I had Flick there was just no one around, especially anyone who would want an older single mother.’ She clenched her hands around the cup. ‘It’s not like I shut myself away. I was still open to the idea of finding someone. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.’
The shearers drove around the corner of the shed in a white Mazda minibus with a blue stripe down the middle.
‘Maybe fate had you waiting for me,’ said Jimmy as he stood up and took their empty cups back to the table without another word.
Toni was left sitting there, aghast. She watched him go, his words echoing through her mind. Did he
really just say that? she wondered, but just then Flick came running towards her, Fella leading the way.
‘Sorry I’m late, took Contractor out for a quick ride,’ said Flick as she darted straight inside.
Mouse was already at the base of the steps wishing Toni good morning.
‘Morning, Mouse,’ she said, but she was annoyed by the intrusion. Her head felt so mixed up, stretched tight like an over-full balloon. How long until she exploded?
As shearing began and Toni started sorting the fleeces, her mind was still wandering. Jimmy’s questions had rattled her and they were far too profound for her to tackle while working.
‘Hey, Mum,’ said Flick as she started skirting the fleece she’d just thrown. ‘Did you get all the beer for the cut-out?’
‘Yeah, it’s all in the fridge at the shearing quarters. Got some nibbles too.’
‘Awesome. We can fire up the barbie afterwards.’
Toni nodded and Flick left to catch the belly Donnie had just thrown into the air.
Bon Jovi’s song ‘It’s My Life’ came on and Toni found herself singing along with it. Jimmy nudged her shoulder, smiling cheekily. For the moment she let all her thoughts fade away and focused on the sounds in the shed and the task at hand. It was a sweet release.
In the afternoon, Toni saw Chad walk into the shed. Flick dropped the scraper and went up to hug him.
‘You made it!’ Flick yelled over the music. But Chad wasn’t alone. A blonde girl wearing tiny shorts stepped in beside him. Her tank top hung straight down from her large breasts, exposing her belly button. They stood a few metres from Toni as she worked at the skirting table, just close enough for her to hear the exchange.
‘Yep, I brought Kel along, hope that’s okay. She’s never seen shearing. Flick, meet Kel.’ Chad gestured to the new girl.
Toni saw Flick’s shoulders stiffen as she said hello. She didn’t even offer a smile.
‘Sorry, I have to get back to it,’ Flick indicated with a jerk of her thumb.
Chad took Kel on a tour of the shed, explaining what everyone was doing. Then they stood over Flick and he described how she was skirting the fleece.
Flick looked uncomfortable, her face even a little red. Toni’s skin prickled. What kind of idiot brings a girl dressed like that to where his girlfriend is working? She cursed under her breath.
‘Chad, push up some more sheep for us, please?’ asked Toni, hoping to give Flick some breathing space.
‘Sure thing. Kel, you wanna help?’
Toni groaned. That wasn’t what she had in mind. ‘Who’s she?’ Toni asked Flick as they both watched them disappear to the pens.
‘The new Pommy barmaid,’ she said with a shrug as if she didn’t care.
But Toni wasn’t fooled. Something was definitely not right. ‘You guys okay?’
‘Yeah.’ Flick smiled and moved back to the shearers.
‘What’s all that about?’ said Jimmy, appearing by Toni’s side.
‘Beats me. But I don’t like it.’
‘Me either.’
Shearing finished up a little later, at five-thirty. Toni counted up the sheep for the day and let Mouse know the tally.
‘Yahoo, I beat you this time, Bottle Top,’ said Mouse. ‘Young Pup’s done great after a week.’
‘Yeah, I thought so too. By next year he’ll be out-shearing you.’
Mouse scoffed. ‘Now, now, don’t get ahead of yourself. Takes years to get as good as us,’ he said, patting his small beer belly.
Pup had paused on his way past and gestured with his hand. ‘It’s this movement,’ he said, pretending to do a long blow. ‘Not this one.’ He mimed drinking.
‘Get out, you cheeky bastard,’ said Mouse, trying to clip him over the ears.
‘When you guys are sorted, just head over to the shearing quarters, the fridge is full,’ Toni said. ‘Chad’s over there, and we’ll be across once we’ve sorted this out.’
Mouse nodded and carted his shearing gear out to the bus.
Toni let the sheep out into the paddock while Jimmy finished off a bale. They’d decided to finish the rest tomorrow. Tonight was time to celebrate, except she wasn’t exactly in the mood.
When Toni arrived at the quarters, Maggie was there putting some food out and she made an immediate beeline for her daughter.
‘You can’t keep avoiding me, Toni, we need to talk this through,’ she begged.
‘Not now. I’ve got too much on my mind.’ Toni stepped straight into the small bathroom to clean up and hoped her mum would be gone by the time she was done.
She was. But it only made Toni feel sad and lonely. She wasn’t sure what she wanted. Moving on autopilot, she went straight for a beer and found a chair.
By twelve o’clock they were all relaxed and happy. Mouse was in good form, singing loudly with Flick. Donnie had pulled out his guitar and was playing some great old tunes like ‘Ring of Fire’ by Johnny Cash. Kel was flitting around the crowd, laughing and dancing. Toni kept her eye on her.
Jimmy was sitting by the fire he’d started on the ground; he was insistent that every great party needed a fire. As she watched the flickering red and orange flames, Flick dancing behind them and Donnie strumming away, who was she to argue? Bonfires just had this amazing ability to spread warmth and merriment.
Toni had given up the beer and switched to cans of Cougar and dry. She was feeling a warm glow and it wasn’t from the fire. At least some of the noise in her head had died down.
‘I s’pose I should get these buggers home before I drink too much,’ said Squeak with a laugh. ‘Pup’s already passed out in the bus. I don’t think he drank enough water before all those beers.’
‘You might want to check on Bottle Top. He took off for a leak and hasn’t come back,’ said Jimmy. ‘He might have fallen asleep by a tree or just got lost in the dark.’
‘That would be right,’ snorted Squeak. ‘We put out a search party at our last shed and eventually found him curled up in the wool in the shed. Sleeping like a baby. Took all of us to get him up.’ She shook her head as she headed off into the dark.
Toni picked up the stick she’d found and started poking at the fire.
‘Perfect night, hey?’ said Jimmy, leaning over and nudging her with his shoulder.
‘Yep, I love it when Donnie brings his guitar.’
‘Hey, Ma,’ said Flick, glancing around. ‘Have you seen Chad?’
‘Not since I saw him shuffle off towards his ute. Hope he brought his swag.’
‘I hope he didn’t drive home,’ Flick said with a grimace. ‘I’ll go find him before I go to bed. Night, Mum, Jimmy.’ She was still glancing around when the boys yelled out their goodbyes. ‘See ya, Donnie, thanks for the tunes, man. See you next year. Catch ya, Mouse,’ yelled Flick as she followed Mouse into the dark towards the bus.
Donnie came and kissed Toni’s cheek. ‘See ya, love.’
‘Bye, guys. Thanks again.’ Toni waved them off. They’d all gone to the local primary school together back in the day.
Within ten minutes the place was quiet and deserted, except for her and Jimmy by the fire.
‘Wow, where did the noise go?’ he said with a chuckle. ‘Need another drink?’
Toni shook her can. ‘Nah, I’m good, thanks.’
They stared at the fire, Jimmy now poking it with a stick. ‘I just love it out here on Sunnyvale. Promise you’ll never sack me,’ he said, turning to her.
Toni leant forward too. ‘Depends,’ she said.
‘On what?’
‘If you’re still useful,’ she teased.
‘Come on.’ Jimmy put his hand on her knee and shook her gently. ‘You know I’m useful.’
She laughed. ‘Yeah, you can stay, as long as you can still open gates and push me around in my wheelchair when I’m old. Us Sunnyvale girls can’t do it all on our own.’ She gave him a brave wink.
‘You crap on as if you’re an old woman, Toni, but I know for a fact that you’re none of that.’
Toni threw her empty can into the nearby bin and started picking at her nails until she felt his hand on her face, turning her towards him.
‘You work harder than most blokes I know. You’re fitter, stronger and nothing slows you down.’ His breath caressed her face.
Toni was lost. She was trying to take in what he’d said but the fire flickering across his jade eyes had her mesmerised.
Before she could even find her words, Jimmy had found her mouth. Leaning across, he pressed his lips gently against hers. It was like nothing she’d ever experienced before. Her pulse lurched as the warmth of his lips caused fireworks within her body.
The moment he pulled back she shot up out of her chair.
‘I . . .’ She didn’t know what to say.
Jimmy stood up beside her. ‘I haven’t finished yet.’ He grabbed her arms and pulled her closer. ‘Besides all that, you are so goddamn sexy. I’d be lying if I ever tried to deny it.’ His fingers remained firm, not letting her move away. ‘And you don’t even realise how amazing you are. I can’t fight this any more, Toni.’
Jimmy leant in to kiss her again and this time his arms circled around her. Her body responded to his touch, and she was aware of his fingers caressing her skin and the way his lips melted against hers. Was this really happening?
Toni put her hands up against his chest, feeling the shape of him, and then gripped his shirt. He groaned against her mouth and she parted her lips, hoping to remember how to kiss. It had been so long.
She could taste the beer on his tongue and as he pressed closer panic flared.
Toni pulled away and covered her mouth.
‘I can’t do this. I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink.’ She turned, stepped away from the chair. ‘Sorry. Um, I’d better get to bed,’ she said, pointing her finger towards the house. Tonight might be the perfect night to be back in her own room. Right now she could handle her mother more than she could handle Jimmy.
‘Toni . . .’ Jimmy began, but she backed away, refusing to look at him. She didn’t want to see the expression on his face.
What just happened? she asked herself on the walk back to the main house. She touched her lips, which still tasted like him, and her body could still recall the impressions of his hands. How many times had she told herself to avoid this very situation? What the hell was he thinking?