by Ella Fields
Ignoring the bitter lilt that accompanied her words, I turned to walk up my front steps. “I just know. It would never have felt that way with anyone else.”
I waved and walked inside, closing the door as Alexis continued down the road to the bus stop.
When I was eight years old, I drew on the walls of my bedroom. But even then, my drawings weren’t half bad, so my parents reluctantly let me add to it over the years. The four walls kind of looked like a mural that changed as I grew.
The long wall opposite my bed was full of wildflowers and dandelions, a tire swing hanging from an old willow tree in the corner, branching off onto the next wall. Which showcased the flat fields and distant rolling hills of the Burnell’s farm.
But the wall behind my bed was my favorite.
It held the faces of Quinn beginning at the age of nine. Some would say that was creepy, but I didn’t care. Alexis was there, too. Spud and also my parents.
I laid on my bed, a slight burn still evident between my thighs. Staring up at the faces above me, I was sure my heart was displaying everything I felt on my face when my mom came to get me for dinner.
“What are we having?” I rolled over, sitting up and hoping like hell she didn’t decide to give me a quick assessment with those knowing eyes.
“Ravioli, come on.” She left, and I followed her out to the kitchen. She seemed a little distracted, but I was too relieved to think much about it.
I flopped into a chair at the dining table just as my dad’s car pulled in the driveway. “Dad’s home early.”
Mom hummed and put my plate down in front of me. “You do that paper yet?”
“Uhh.” I shoveled some ravioli onto my fork and shoved it into my mouth. Her brown eyes narrowed, and I tried for a smile. “I’ll do it right after dinner, promise,” I said around a mouthful of pasta.
“You’d better, missy. And don’t talk with your mouth full.” She sat down across from me, muttering about manners.
“There are my girls.” My dad kicked off his shoes, walking into the kitchen and kissing Mama’s cheek. He washed his hands in the kitchen before joining us. “How was your day, Daisy June?” he asked, sprinkling some salt over his pasta.
“Fine.” I averted my gaze to my food.
“Quinn play in the game today at school?” he asked.
“Uh-huh.” Crap on a cracker. I was so bad at this.
My mama’s eyes felt like twin pools of fire, burning into the top of my head. Slowly, I lifted it, keeping my gaze pinned on my dad. He nodded, thankfully getting busy with his dinner.
The silence stretched as we ate. When my mom was halfway through, she pushed her plate away and turned to my dad. “Honey?”
He sighed, swiping a palm over his mouth and taking a sip of water. “All right.”
“What’s up?” My eyes darted back and forth between their apprehensive faces.
“Your father’s been offered a new job,” Mom said, eyes steadfast on the salt and pepper shakers in the center of the small round table.
“Oh?” I slouched back in my chair. “That’s great. Where?”
He worked at the plant in town, and the pay was good. This one must be even better for him to consider leaving.
“Watson.”
My stomach dropped. No, it didn’t just drop; it grew legs and ran away to find the closest ledge to throw itself off, splattering into a messy heap on the ground.
My head shook. I couldn’t be hearing this right. But looking at the apologetic expression my mom was wearing and the averted gaze of my dad, I knew I had.
Mom rushed to say, “It’s better hours, so he’ll be home more. Isn’t that great?” When I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t yet, she went on. “He’s been offered a management position in the plant there. Better money and fewer hours.”
“But …” I blinked. “What about your job?” She was an elementary school teacher; that was why she was such good friends with Mrs. Burnell. They’d worked with each other since they graduated college.
“I’ve been there a long time, honey. Might be nice to go someplace new.”
Someplace new.
Someplace a whole state away.
Someplace without Quinn.
Without Alexis.
Without Spud.
Without everything my heart cared about.
“So you’ve already made up your minds then?”
My dad’s face pinched, and he reached over to grab my hand, but I shifted it away, tucking it under the table. “Baby girl, it’s a great opportunity.”
“When?”
“Honey …” my mom tried.
I spoke over her. “When?”
“The house is already on the market,” my dad said. “We have a young couple coming to view it on Sunday.”
“Sunday.” I swallowed.
They nodded. “We know how much being here means to you …” My mom trailed off, not daring to say his name. I was grateful for that but too upset to remain sitting there with them. Scooting my chair back, I went straight to my room and slammed the door. With tears brimming my eyes, I threw myself face first onto my bed.
Watson. We were moving to Watson.
A place I’d never been but knew must be more than nine hours from here by car.
My parents let me be, which I was thankful for. I wasn’t prone to the usual teenage drama other teens put their parents through, so they knew better than to try to reason with me right now. But I still heard their hushed voices, and my dad murmuring, “Just give her some time.”
Time.
Just half an hour ago, it felt like I had all the time in the world.
That we did.
Now the clock was ticking, and soon, we’d have none at all.
We left three weeks later, a mere month after my sixteenth birthday.
Quinn and I should’ve felt closer to each other than ever before, but instead, we were being split further apart than either of us ever anticipated. With a U-Haul trailer attached to the back of my dad’s truck and my mom following behind in her Toyota Camry with another trailer, our lives in Clarelle were officially upended.
A moving truck would bring the rest of our furniture, they’d said. All the things we couldn’t bring with us. I’d wondered with all my heart and soul if I could persuade them to let me bring Quinn.
“There’ll be other boys,” my mom had said. “And honey, if he doesn’t hold out until you guys can meet up again, then maybe he’s not the one for you.”
Like my heart gave a damn about her well-meaning advice. It was too busy deciding whether it’d give up on me, or jump out of my chest and simply stay behind.
Before we left, I found Quinn in the field, sitting against the willow tree. He was right next to where we’d buried that rooster all those years ago, Spud lying near his booted feet.
Telling him hadn’t gone too well. Especially seeing as I only told him a few weeks ago, blurting it out over lunch at school, of all places. Don’t ask me why, my mind worked in mysterious ways sometimes, especially when fear was involved. I think a huge part of me just wanted to ignore it even though I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t until Alexis had nudged me when Quinn started talking about summer plans that it exploded out of me in a rush.
He’d dropped his sandwich and just stared at me, a thousand and one emotions flitting over his face before it settled on one. Hurt.
He got up and left. I went after him, of course, but Alexis came after me, telling me to give him some time. I understood his need for that, so I did. Even though it killed me that he’d barely spoken a few words to me since.
“Hey.” Slowly, I sat down beside him. “I’ve, um, gotta go in a minute.”
He didn’t answer me, just kept staring straight ahead at a cow who was munching on the grass in the field facing us. “Quinn …” My voice broke. “Please, talk to me.”
He made a pained, groaning sound, dropping his head to his bent knees and roughly palming his hair. “This is fucked, Dais. I can
’t …” He lifted his head, glassy hazel eyes falling on me. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Daisy!” My dad hollered from the Burnell’s drive, but I ignored him.
“Just go,” Quinn muttered, turning his head away.
“That’s it?” Tears clogged my throat. “You’re just going to stay mad at me and let me leave like this?”
“How the hell am I supposed to say goodbye to you, huh?” He almost yelled. “I can’t do that. Ever. I never thought I’d have to. You can’t expect me to just say it like I’ll see you tomorrow as normal. You’re fucking leaving me!”
He hardly ever swore, and that he was doing so now had my heart splintering into even more pieces. “I’m sorry. You know I wish I didn’t have to. More than anything.”
He blinked, and his shoulders dropped. Then, he pulled me into his arms, resting his head on top of mine as I cried into his soft t-shirt. “Please don’t hate me. I don’t want to go, Quinn. I just … didn’t know how to tell you something that I wish wasn’t real.”
“I could never hate you, Dais. Never.” Grabbing my cheeks, his choppy breath ghosted over my parted lips before he took my mouth roughly with his. “This isn’t over,” he said, resolve lighting up his eyes as he pulled back and leaned his forehead against mine. “We’ll make it work. Somehow, we’ll make it work.”
I nodded as my dad’s voice sounded again, louder this time.
Quinn grabbed something from the barn on our way back to the house. “Here.” He held it out as Spud raced around our legs. “I thought, you know, so we could text and stuff. Guess it’ll prove to be more of a good idea than I thought now.”
I took the small box that housed a smart phone inside. “You got me a phone?”
“I’ve bought you art supplies since we were kids. I thought it was time for something different. Besides, you’re probably the only sixteen-year-old out there without a cell phone.” He smirked, but it fell instantly.
“Not anymore.” I tried to smile, but it wobbled and fell, too. “Thank you.”
Our gazes stayed locked for an excruciating minute before he gathered me into his arms and kissed me again. We didn’t move our lips, just kept them glued together.
I felt wetness fall to my cheek and realized then that we were both crying. “I should …” My voice broke, and I stepped away. “I have to go.” I can’t go.
“Yeah.” Quinn cleared his throat and moved backward into the shade of the barn. “Text me?”
“Of course.” I sniffed.
“Moon and the stars, Dais.” He turned, sinking into the shadows that I felt invading my soul with every step my feet had me taking away from him to my father’s truck. Which was now idling in their driveway as he patted Quinton Sr. on the back and said goodbye.
Filled with fear and an indescribable sadness, I ignored both men, opening the door and flopping down sideways onto a box in the back seat.
With the phone clutched to my chest and tears flooding my vision, my father got in the truck, honked the horn, and drove away from the other half of my heart.
Present
The numbness was a feeling I welcomed over the past few weeks. But last week, after sleeping or staring at the walls whenever I didn’t have class, I finally pulled my head out of my butt and decided that Pippa might be right.
So here I was, standing in front of glorious rows of brightly colored ice cream. Maybe that wasn’t helping so much with the numb feeling, being in front of a freezer for a few hours on end, but I enjoyed it. The work was easy and kept me busy. Tim, the owner, was a friendly older man with a slight German accent and a bushy mustache, and he smiled all the time. I’m not even joking, all the time.
It was kind of infectious. And that kind of infection was one I gladly accepted rather than the rolling sickness I still felt within every vein and cell of my body.
I wanted to absorb the bright pink, blue, and white of the parlor, and the black and white striped floor—let it soak into me and eradicate the darkness that refused to leave my body.
“Your hair, it glows like the sun,” Tim said, scooping some chocolate chip ice cream out and dumping it with careful skill on top of another two sitting atop a waffle cone.
It took me a moment to realize he was talking to me and not the brunette he was handing the cone to. He took her money and gave her a voracious goodbye before turning to me. His graying brows rose, and he poked me in the cheek. “You also have one dimple,” he said, grinning as if I didn’t already know this fact. “Who is your boyfriend? I must meet him and tell him to keep a good eye on you.”
Despite only knowing him a few days, I’d quickly learned that Tim could be overly friendly, but not in a way that made me cringe or want to seek legal advice. He was genuinely happy, warm, and affectionate. Nothing like I thought my first boss would be like.
“I don’t have one,” I said, taking the empty tub in my hands to the sink behind us and pulling out the hose to rinse it. He was still standing there when I turned the water off and tipped the tub upside down to dry.
“Why not?” he asked. I shrugged, and he hummed, a finger smoothing one side of his mustache. “I see … you are already spoken for in another way?”
I could feel my eyes spring wide. “What do you mean?”
He lifted a shoulder. “I see many brokenhearted young women walk in here.” He huffed. “Even some men. It’s an ice-cream shop, after all. I know the look.”
“I’m fine.” I fidgeted with my blue apron, feeling uncomfortable. “Really.”
He nodded. “You will be, Daisy.” The way he said my name sounded more like Daizee.
“I have some paperwork waiting. You’ll be all right for a while?”
I was the only other person working until the shop closed at nine. “Sure,” I said. It was quiet, and the register was the only thing I seemed to struggle with, but I was figuring it out.
We had a total of twelve customers over the next hour, and as the clock approached nine, I yawned, wondering if I had time to get a head start on my English lit paper when I got home.
When the next customer left, I started to clean up. After stacking the chairs, I wiped down the tables and swept the floor before Tim came out and told me he’d finish the rest. I gave him a grateful smile, removed my apron, and grabbed my bag after clocking out.
“I’ll see you on Friday,” I called over my shoulder.
“That you will, Daisy.”
My shifts were short, and I was only working two to three of them a week. But it was something to do on my days or afternoons off more than anything, so I wasn’t complaining.
I was still smiling as I stepped outside, then immediately shivered, wishing I’d brought my coat. Fall was fast turning into winter, and the air carried a bite that left a sting on my exposed skin.
“Hey.”
My breath caught at the voice, and I turned to see Alexis leaning against the building next door to the parlor. She straightened. “Sorry. I just, I saw you working in there earlier and knew it closed at nine. I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh.” My feet shifted on the pavement.
She huffed out a laugh. “God, this is so awkward.”
I didn’t know why she felt awkward. Just the sight of her made me want to stick needles in my eyes, so I turned my gaze away and started walking toward campus. She didn’t take the hint and joined me. Great.
“I’m on the other side. Near the street that leads to the mall, which isn’t good for my savings account.” When I didn’t say anything, she blew out a breath. “I’m sorry, I know it must’ve been a shock to show up and see …” She didn’t elaborate. We crossed the street and walked along the lit garden path toward the girls’ dorms. “I didn’t think you’d come here.”
“I could say the same about you,” I retaliated, immediately feeling wretched. But it was true. She’d always planned big. Ivy League big. Not a small town, cutesy college only known for their football team.
“I know.” She sighed
and stopped walking. I did too, though I wish I hadn’t. One look at her sorrow-filled, beautiful face had me wanting to throw her to the grass and tear her stupid, luscious dark hair out while screaming, “Give me my boyfriend back!”
Shocked by the image playing so vividly behind my eyes, I shook my head and cleared my throat. That wasn’t me, but I was frightened by how quickly the urge took root, growing thorns that pierced the backs of my eyes as my gaze slid over her long, lithe body. The full breasts and ass, and eyes that glowed so blue, you could probably see them in the dark.
He probably saw them in the dark. Ugh, shit. “Look, I’m just gonna go.” I moved to walk away, tears invading my eyes.
She grabbed my arm. “Wait.”
I tugged it free, my top lip curling as I hissed, “Don’t touch me.”
Alexis raised her hands. “Okay, sorry. Look, I don’t even know what I wanted to say, really.” A dry laugh slipped past her pouty lips, and she stared at me for a long moment. “I didn’t think I’d see you again. Neither of us did. You believe that, right?”
Sniffing and taking a step away from her as fire filled my blood, I said, “I want to. But I also know you liked him. When he was mine.”
She blinked, something moving over her face. “I love him. It’s serious.”
I could feel myself pale, my whole body probably turned whiter than snow. My vocal cords weren’t working properly, but I croaked out, “Cool, have fun with that.” I walked away, muttering under my breath, “Boyfriend stealing ninja.”
“What?” she asked.
Surprised she heard, but not really caring, I flipped her off with both hands over my head. She just laughed. Like this was all a joke we could have a good giggle over and forget about.
Enraged, I stomped over the grass to my dorm, throwing open the door and marching up the stairs. I could believe she thought she’d never see me again. Hell, I could believe even Quinn thought that, but still, it felt wrong. What they’d done to me felt too big a betrayal to simply accept and move on with a cheery smile and a, “I totally get it. Let’s catch up and have lunch sometime. Hang out like we used to.”