by Ella Fields
Yeah, no thanks.
Swinging open our door, I tossed my bag on the floor, growling when my stuff fell out of the undone zipper. “Damn it, I really need to remember to zip that stupid thing up.”
“Yep,” Pippa agreed from her perch on her bed, knees up with a textbook open next to her. “Then your dramatic entrances might be a little less dramatic.” Closing her book, she sat up. “What’s up?”
“That … she …” I stabbed my finger toward the window as if Pippa could see Alexis, though she was probably long gone. “Her!”
“Oh, no.” She stood, grabbing my shoulders and making me sit on the bed. Putting some of my stuff back into my bag, she asked, “You saw her? Alexis?”
“Yes.” I took my glasses off, tossing them onto the nightstand.
“You’re not in any of the same classes?”
“No, she’s pre-law. Unless she’s changed her mind about that, too.”
Pippa snorted, and I glared. “Sorry, you’re just kind of funny when you’re mad.”
Sighing, I fell backward on my bed and rubbed my hands over my eyes. Then remembered I actually bothered to put mascara on this morning and cursed. “Jesus,” I groaned.
“She’s in my psychology class.”
“You didn’t tell me that,” I said, dropping my hands.
She put my phone on the nightstand then dumped my bag on the floor at the end of my bed. “You needed to know that I sit three rows behind her and stare death daggers at her shiny hair?”
“Ugh, see. Even you agree she’s beautiful.”
The bed dipped as she sat down. “Dude, she totally is. But you can be the most beautiful person in the world and that doesn’t mean a damn thing if you’re a shitty human.”
My heart. Christ, it still felt as if it was racing way too fast. “Why did she have to do it? Why?”
“Break girl code or confront you about it?”
“Both.”
Pippa laid down next to me. “He must be quite a guy. But then again, I’ve only known you for like, maybe three weeks, and gloomy, depressed moods and all, you’re not so bad to be around.” She took my hand and held it in hers. “She probably feels bad and misses her friend.”
A pitiful sound came out of me. “You say the nicest things sometimes. Will you go out with me?”
“I don’t swing that way, but if I did, it’d be for you.” She laughed, then paused, asking quietly, “What did she say?”
Drawing in a slow breath, I released it through my nose. “That she was sorry. She loves him, and it’s apparently serious.”
“Bitch. So basically, she felt bad but also wanted to stake her claim.”
“Yup,” I agreed.
“What did you say?”
“I think I said to have fun with that.” Pippa burst out laughing, and I dug my finger into my ear. “Shit, burst my eardrum, why don’t you.”
“Sorry,” she wheezed. “Holy hell, you did not say that.”
My face started to heat, and I groaned, rubbing my hands over my cheeks. “I did.”
“It’s official. You’re my favorite person ever. What else happened?”
Twisting my lips, I stared at the ceiling. “Uh, nothing. Well, I may have flipped her off as I walked away.”
“Ohhh, Daisy Daniels has got a bit of steel in her after all.”
I laughed then. “Yeah, maybe. It’s a shame it takes having your heart run over by a Mack truck to find a little.”
Silence reigned over us for a few minutes. The dorms were quieting down for the night, doors closing, TVs and music turning off.
It’s serious.
Wetness ran down my cheeks, and I closed my eyes. “This sucks, Pip. So bad.”
Taking my hand again, she squeezed it. “I know. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I think you’re going to be just fine. Hell, better than fine.”
I was glad she thought so.
Sixteen years old
Three months. It had almost been three months since we’d moved into our new home. I’d just started a new school, but trying to do this thing called life with a vital part of me missing felt impossible.
“My teeth feel so weird,” I said as I ran my tongue over them. “Like they’re smaller or something now that all the metal is gone.”
Quinn hummed. I could hear the slap of his football meeting his palm and could picture him lying on his bed and tossing it into the air. “When are you coming home to visit, so I can see?”
Coming home. Those words felt like a dream. I was lying on my own bed, staring at the blank white walls of my new bedroom. I couldn’t bring myself to decorate them, even at my parents’ urging. I didn’t want to lay roots, pretend I wasn’t longing to be someplace else.
I hadn’t painted a thing since I found out I was leaving Clarelle.
“I don’t know,” I said quietly. “Mom says it could be a while. That it’s expensive to fly me there and back, and I’m too young to do it on my own.”
“That’s bullshit. Loads of teenagers fly on their own,” Quinn stated heatedly.
“I know.”
Silence engulfed me. Our conversations had gotten quieter every time we called. At that point, I was only calling a few times a week. It was hard. Sometimes harder to speak to him, to hear that silence on his end of the line, than it was not to call him at all.
My phone beeped with an incoming call.
“I’ve gotta go.” I pulled the phone away from my ear, seeing Alexis’s name on the screen. “Alexis is calling.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, then exhaled heavily into my ear. “Okay.”
“We’ll talk soon?” I bit my lip to stop the tears gathering.
He cleared his throat. “Yeah. We’ll talk soon.”
“Good luck tomorrow,” I whispered. “I know you’ll do great.”
His team had a pre-season game. “Thanks. Bye, Dais.”
He hung up, and he’d done so without saying those three words. Without letting me even say them to him. I almost gave in to the sorrow but kept it together and called Alexis back.
“Hi, stranger.”
“Hi.”
“Uh-oh. What’s wrong? Things still weird between you and Quinn?”
I didn’t know what to tell her, or if there’d be any point in saying anything. But I was becoming desperate. I still had almost two years left of high school.
Two years until we’d be together again. “I guess you could say that. God, Lex. It’s just …”
“A bit too hard?” she suggested quietly.
“Yeah.” I picked at a loose thread on my white comforter. “He seems, I don’t know, different.”
She didn’t respond for a minute. I was starting to get really sick of silence at that point and was tempted to hang up. If no one wanted to talk to me, then I might as well wallow in my anguish alone.
Then, finally, she said, “People change, Daisy. Relationships, too.”
“What are you saying?” My teeth gritted together.
“Calm down.” She laughed. “All I’m saying is that the long-distance thing doesn’t always work out.”
“It can.”
“Come on, we’re all so young. Do you really need to be questioning everything you’re not saying to each other over the phone, or what the other might be doing?” She sighed. “All I’m saying is you’ve been miserable for a long time, and so has he. You both deserve to be happy, you know?”
She had a point, which set my stomach turning and my eyes closing. I took a deep breath. “We are.” I swallowed. “Happy.”
“Whatever you say. Anyway, there’s this new guy who started here last week …”
I listened to her ramble on about some new senior for ten minutes before my mom called me down for dinner, and I said I had to go.
Sitting down at the table, I put my phone next to me, eyeing it as I ate my mashed potatoes and trying to ignore Alexis’s voice, her words, which seemed intent on tormenting me
.
“How was your day?” my dad asked, taking a seat. “Make any new friends yet?”
Flattening my potatoes with my fork, I shrugged.
“Honey,” my mom said, voice soft. I glanced up, noting the concern in her eyes. “I’m just going to come right out and say it. You’re starting to worry us.”
“What did you expect?” I asked, not being able to help the bitterness coating those words.
My dad scowled, putting his utensils down and giving me a hard look. “Enough, Daisy. You’ve been wallowing for months now. You’re sixteen. Get out, have some fun, meet new people, and for God’s sake, stop staring at that phone like your life will end if it doesn’t make a sound.”
“Joseph,” my mom whisper-hissed, then turned to me. “But your father does have a point.”
“What is this?” I scooted my chair back, cringing as it scraped over the fancy wood floor. “You, Alexis, hell, probably even Quinn, want me to just move on? Like I didn’t leave half my life behind in Clarelle?”
“Alexis?” My mom’s brows rose.
“That doesn’t matter.” I stood. “Don’t you all know I’d give anything not to be feeling like this? Do you honestly think I want to feel like this? I can’t help it!”
“Daisy, watch your tone,” my dad scolded softly.
I shook my head, heading for the stairs and the comfort of my bed, but then realized I’d forgotten my phone and spun around to grab it.
My mom had it in her hand. “You can help it, by getting out there and living instead of going through the motions of someone grieving. I think it’s time you give this thing a break.”
Grieving? I didn’t think I was that bad. But after looking at my parents’ worried faces and feeling the emptiness in my chest, I had to admit, maybe they were right.
The thought hit me like a hammer to the gut, almost sending me to the floor. My mind reeled as I slowly hauled myself up the stairs, then flopped down onto my bed.
A while later, my mom came in as silent tears still coasted down my cheeks, getting absorbed by my hair.
The bed dipped as she sat down next to me, her hand smoothing some of my hair back from my face. “Oh, honey. Is it really that bad?”
She didn’t sound like she was making fun of me. She genuinely sounded like she wanted to know. Maybe she’d understand better if I explained it. “I love him, Mama,” I rasped out.
She stared at me, realization dawning. “Oh, you didn’t.”
When I nodded, she tsk’d but laid down next to me, pulling me into her arms like I was a child. And at that moment, I was happy for it. I needed it. “I’m sorry.”
“Were you at least safe?” she asked quietly. “Do not let your daddy know.”
“We were. It was only one time.” I started crying harder, remembering how we’d thought we had all the time in the world.
“Shh, it’ll be okay.” She patted my hair. “I’m sorry you had to leave him behind. We knew it’d be hard for you, but nothing like this, Daisy.” She held me a bit longer until my tears dried on my cheeks, and I felt like I could sleep for a month. “Is this what you want? To let it control you? I understand young love.” There was a smile in her sad voice. “But I also understand heartbreak and how it can change people. Don’t let it change you. You’ll see him again, and you don’t want to be someone he doesn’t recognize when you do.”
She kissed my head and closed my bedroom door behind her, leaving me with her words and newfound fears.
Was this how I wanted to spend the next two years of my life?
No. A voice echoed inside me, so loud I almost winced.
My parents kept my phone for the next month, and I thought I’d go insane. But somehow, it got easier, and I even managed to make two new friends, Hannah and Zelda.
When I finally drew my first picture, they gave my phone back. Only, when I switched it on, I found just three missed calls. One from Alexis a few days ago. One from Quinn three weeks ago. And another from him two weeks ago.
That almost broke my heart worse than leaving a chunk of it behind. Anger and hurt might’ve had a lot to do with it, but I understood now that moving on was harder than I ever thought it’d be. And making a new life for myself was only going to get harder the longer I let my old one play on a constant loop in my head, controlling my emotions and life.
Bitterness, desperation, and a huge amount of fear had me making an impulsive decision. Yet deep down, I knew I should make it anyway. I got a new number and decided to keep my heart on hold.
I vowed to still be the best version of myself I could be when I saw him again.
The same girl he fell in love with.
Present
The pages in my portfolio from the start of the semester appeared buoyant. Colored in bright, loud strokes of excitement and new beginnings. Then, as I turned the pages, it dulled. Everything after that seemed to lack any heart at all. Unless heartbreaking and depressing depictions counted.
I reached the most recent pages, finding two drawings I’d done in charcoal after I’d crossed paths with Alexis last week. They didn’t need color to have my heart beating with pride. To anyone else, they might appear a hot mess, even ugly. Something that made no sense. To me, they represented the anger and injustice that had been feasting on my insides, begging me to unleash some of it. Harsh lines of rain over a football field of shattered stars stared back at me. Each shard glittering or melting into the soft earth in puddles or between blades of grass.
A mess that made complete sense to me.
With a small smile, I closed my portfolio and looked over at Pippa, who had her head stuck in a word search book, belly down on her bed. “Now that my muse seems to have made an angry reappearance, I realize how bad the work I’ve been doing these past few weeks really is.”
She snorted, rubbing something out with the end of her pencil. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No.” I threw on my work shirt, buttoning it up and tucking it into my black slacks.
“Daisy, you create art like you do everything else. Full of emotion and honesty.”
My hands paused in tying my hair into a topknot. She laughed, glancing at me over her shoulder. “So shut up and get out of your head. You’re going to be late.”
How she always knew the time was kind of freaky, but picking up my phone, I realized I was indeed going to be late. “Shoot, okay. Going.”
Grabbing my bag, I stuffed my phone inside, then stuffed my feet into my Chucks on my way to the door, almost tripping. Pippa’s snickering followed until the door shut behind me and I was racing down the stairs.
I hit the sidewalk, still trying to right my hair as I hustled past groups of students smoking and talking near the campus exit. A head full of long dark hair across the street almost had me freezing on the spot, but thankfully, it wasn’t her. I kept walking, pushing open the door to the parlor and smiling at Tim, who was serving a couple of freshman girls I recognized from my English lit class.
They smiled at me briefly before heading outside with their ice cream, and I put my bag away in the small office. “Sorry, I’m a bit late.” I quickly tied my apron on.
Tim leaned against the door, one eye on the parlor and one on me. “You’re one minute late, hardly late at all.” He winked as I walked past him to wash my hands at the sink. “I’ll be back here for a while.”
“No problem,” I said, already grabbing a cloth to wipe up some spilled milkshake from a recently vacated table. After making myself a milkshake, I washed some of the empty tubs next to the sink while it was quiet. It seemed to only get busy after lunch and dinner, which made sense. I guessed most people followed the rule of dessert after a meal.
Not me. I sucked back more of my strawberry milkshake and hummed under my breath to the old sixties song that was playing softly through the surround sound speakers.
A while later, the bell over the door jingled, and it only got busier from there.
It was nearly closing time when a bunch of guys
from the football team came in. Their laughter was the first thing I heard, my head snapping up from sorting the register.
Callum grinned at me. “Daisy, right?”
I nodded, slowly closing the drawer and righting my messy bun, which I could feel tilting to the side of my head with its weight. “Um, Callum?”
I didn’t forget his name, but it seemed important that I didn’t admit that fact. Still grinning, he leaned over the counter as a few of his friends stood near the door, chatting and laughing at something on their phones.
“What can I get you?” I asked after a few awkward, drawn-out seconds.
“Huh?”
“Ice cream? Milkshake?” I offered, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose.
“Oh.” He chuckled. “Nah, I heard talk of a hot freshman with messy blond hair working here and thought I’d stop by. Check her out.”
Heat tingled over my neck, slowly climbing up into my cheeks. I ducked my head. “Well, I haven’t seen any, but I’ll be sure to keep an eye out.”
His laughter was nice, deep and a little raspy. It had me looking at him once more, noticing the tiny dent in his chin and his white teeth. They were all straight except for the bottom two, which overlapped each other. It was kind of cute.
“You’re funny,” he said.
My nose wrinkled. “Not really.”
Still leaning over the counter, he reached out to touch a spiral of my hair that had come loose and was dangling near my neck. I couldn’t help but shiver, and stayed so still, I feared I wouldn’t breathe until he backed up.
“Welsh! Hurry the hell up.” That voice. I stepped back, causing Callum’s hand to fall away.
Quinn was there, standing in the open door with an unreadable expression on his face. It was too blank.
Callum turned around. “One minute. Jesus.” Turning back to me, he asked, “Movies this weekend? My treat.”
“You … you’re asking me out?” I stammered, trying to keep my eyes on him and not on Quinn. Just knowing he was there had tiny ping-pong balls bouncing into each other in my stomach.