Unwanted

by Leigh Lennon

  “I see by the smile on your face that our visualization exercises are working. The images you’re playing through your mind show in your smile.”

  For months, Grace has had me share with her images of what it would be like if I was with Aspen by myself, and after the first couple of weeks of anxiety attacks taking me over, Grace worked with me to understand this was all pretend, but the more I could see myself as a mom, the more I would desire it. “You want to share what you are seeing, Emma?”

  “We are on the floor, and I’m helping her put the little shaped blocks through the right part of the sorter. Do you know what I’m talking about? My sisters, when they were toddlers, loved them. Well, Jane did. It is funny. Looking back at their personalities, Jane is very analytical, and she’d spend hours with it. My other sister, Jane’s twin Lila, was too busy to sit down and do something so tedious. Now, as adult women, that is still Jane’s temperament, and Lila is still too busy for the more tedious tasks in life.” I smile, thinking of my sisters. “I wonder if the baby will show any signs that I can look back on when she’s an adult woman and say, ‘Yep, she was always like that,’ as I’ve just done with Jane and Lila.”

  I can’t read Grace’s face right now. Not that I normally can, but as her lips turn, forming a little smile, I only ask, “What?”

  “That is a very acute question you asked. You are thinking about her future, something even a month ago you never brought up. Your mind is opening to her, little by little, Emma. You may not realize it because you are too busy thinking of everything you are doing wrong, so when you do something right, you miss it. We need not worry about what you’re not doing. I mean, pushing you to see Aspen this weekend is something I feel you needed a push for, but YOU stopped beating yourself up and worked toward opening yourself up more.”

  I’m reading In The Unlikely Event by Judy Blume that Justine sent me in a care package. I am stuffing my mouth with a pack of Nutter Butters she also packed, when a knock on the door startles me. It must be Anders letting me know Tyler and the baby are here. Planning to tell him I’ll be at the main office in five minutes after I brush my teeth, I swing the door open and come face to face with a baby that looks like a clone of my baby pictures. Ty places his finger on his lips to let me know she’s sleeping. Walking in without a word, he takes our girl and places her on my bed. When she whines, he sits next to her and rubs her back as she settles on her stomach. I had always thought babies were not supposed to sleep on their belly, but he’s much more the pro here than I am. Once she falls back to sleep and I marvel at his paternal skills, he turns to me and gives me a small hug, but he looks in bad shape.

  “You okay?” I instantly caress his forehead.

  “Hey, babe, you are a sight for sore eyes. It’s the damnedest thing. We got on the plane, and at our connection in Seattle, Aspen started feeling warm. She puked on the plane, but then I started feeling sick, like I have the same bug, which makes sense if Aspen is sick.”

  Since Jolie has moved into the family quarters with Reagan, I don’t have a roommate. “Here, go crawl up in this bed and rest for now.”

  “Okay, I’m so sorry. All I want to do is hold you in my arms. But first, Anders is bringing her port-a-crib. She will sleep better in it, and I’ll sleep better with her in it. I know we weren’t going to stay here, but I have no energy. He was going to put us in another room, though.”

  “No, I want you close. Don’t worry,” I say these words so fluidly that I am surprised I mean them, but I do. However, anxiety takes hold of me as I start to think of the worst-case scenarios here. I want to offer to help with the baby, but I wouldn’t know what to do with her as a healthy baby, let alone her sick.

  “Ah, sweetheart.” He wraps me in the Tyler Hunter signature embrace, and I melt. “This is not what I had envisioned for the three of us.” He places a kiss on my cheek when a little knock on the door breaks our intimate moment. Opening it, Anders stands in front of me with Tyler’s bag, a Pack ’n Play, and some Gatorade.

  After he drops it off, Tyler undresses to just his boxers. He’s sweating profusely. “What can I help with, Ty?” I ask.

  “In my bag are some pjs for Aspen. Can you grab the lightest pair and the liquid Tylenol on the side and a clean pacifier?” He’s proficient, knowing exactly what this little one of ours needs. When I turn around with the items, the crib is erected, and he’s attempting to put a sheet on the crib mattress, but he’s shaking.

  “Lie down. I can do this for you.” I grab the sheet and bend over the plastic slats of the crib, barely getting these tight fucking sheets to fit. He’s laughing at me. “This is a bitch,” I reply, and he only nods his head in agreement. “Do you want me to help you with Aspen?” I offer, but I’m shaking on the inside that I may have to do something.

  “She has a bottle in her diaper bag. Can you take some of that Gatorade and dilute it with half water? I’ll rock her back to sleep.”

  Looking around, I say, “I don’t have a rocking chair.”

  “I know, Ems. I’ll make do.” Turning the baby around, he quickly puts a new diaper on her and strips her of the clothes she has had on, putting her new pajamas on her quickly. When I give him the bottle with the diluted Gatorade, he asks me to measure out a half teaspoon of Tylenol. I give it to him, and she takes it quickly. Sitting on the one chair I have in my room, he pulls his body back and forth in a rocking motion, making himself the chair our baby needs. I’m in awe of all he can do and try not to feel ill-equipped as a mother. “Now she may throw this up, or she may not. I’m trying to get something in her system, so don’t freak out if you hear her vomiting. Just wake me up.” He stands up and slips her on her back. She instantly goes back to sleep.

  “Ty, honey, I don’t care if I get sick. I want to move the beds together so I can feel you next to me.” Thankfully, pushing the spare bed next to the bed I sleep on doesn’t make very much sound, and the baby stays asleep. I crawl under the sheets in the bed closest to the wall, and Tyler crawls in next to me, holding me.

  It almost feels right until three hours later. The baby wakes up crying, and I don’t mean whimpering, I mean, screaming bloody murder. Ty gets to her before I even stir and puts her between him and myself, but that doesn’t seem to appease her. As he stands to walk with her, he lays her down quickly. “Don’t let her roll off,” he says, dashing to the bathroom. When I hear him violently vomiting, Aspen stops crying, staring at me.

  I’m completely frozen, unable to say a word to her. My throat constricts, and I start to sweat as though I’m now sick. She fusses, a little at first, then she fusses more and more until her face is completely red. Again, I can’t move at all. I’m frozen in my tracks. Ty hurries out of the bathroom, making a beeline to Aspen.

  “Shit, Emma, she’s a baby. She won’t bite. She needs to be held, and I was in there puking. What is wrong with you?” I know he’s not feeling well and being sick has never been a strong point of his.

  “Ty, don’t yell at me. I don’t know what I’m doing!”

  Scooping up Aspen, he places her over his shoulder where she instantly finds the crook of his neck. All I can think is, you have the right idea, baby girl. I like that spot, too. I try not to focus on Ty’s harsh words because there is truth to them. It is just another reminder that I am a failure at this mothering thing.

  Eventually, Ty and Aspen make their way to the bed, where they both fall asleep, and I grab an extra pillow and blanket to sleep on the floor. I hear Ty calling for me, “Ems, there is room. Crawl into bed with us. Please.” I act as if I’m already asleep. I can’t do that, not after I couldn’t handle the small task of picking up a sick baby.

  36

  Tyler

  She’s not fooling me. I know she’s awake and she’s ignoring me. I screwed up when I yelled at her like I did. It was the biggest dick move I have pulled on her in a long time. I could see by the way her eyes darted around that she felt guilty and my words just made her feel even more inadequate. I have no exc
use except I mess up at this single parenting thing from time to time, and I sure as hell did tonight. This is hard for her, and I realize us coming here has been a big step for her. I try to coax her more into bed with me, with us, but the more I say, the heavier her breathing is becoming. She never breathes this deeply when she’s sleeping. I turn toward Aspen when I understand my words are falling on deaf ears. Watching Aspen sleep finally gives me the ability to doze off for a while until she wakes four hours later with smiles and laughter.

  When my eyes focus on her after trying to remember that we are not at home, I touch her forehead and breathe a sigh of relief that her fever broke. “Let’s see if Mommy is awake,” I say, picking up my girl to search for my other girl. Rolling over, I see the floor is empty, and Emma is gone. My heart drops as I swear out loud. “Fuck, way to go, Tyler.” Aspen has become aware of my pissed-off tone, and it scares her, as always, causing her to fuss. In my upbeat Aspen-only tone, I say, “Great, I can’t seem to make any of my girls happy today.” She doesn’t care about the words, only that my tone is syrupy sugar sweet. She smiles right away, and I hold her tight. “See, this is my happy girl!”

  Standing up with her, I take a deep breath. “Oh, sugar, we both stink something awful. Why don’t we get into the shower, the two of us?” Grabbing some clothes, I snatch a towel to set her on the floor, and I get undressed. I scoop her up and say, “All right, let's take a quick shower before Mommy gets back.” I sure hope she comes back, is what I am really thinking.

  Within five minutes and about five times of Aspen almost slipping out of my arms, I hear the door open and then feel the shower curtain being pulled back.

  “Well, if that isn’t sexier than fuck, I don’t know what is,” Emma says when I see my wife standing there with a towel and a smile.

  37

  Emma

  There is no denying my husband is hot and him holding our baby makes him hotter. I don’t have to have this maternal feeling to understand how cute they both look in the shower together as he tries to wash her. I hold the towel out and say, “Here, put her in this.” I can see he’s weighing his options. “It is a towel. I’m fine, honey.” But I’m so not fine. The idea of holding her has me freaked out, but I’m trying. I’m not worried I’ll drop her, but I’m concerned about having her near me. Taking the towel and wrapping it around her, he gives me the baby, and I’m sure I look as stiff as if Medusa had turned me to stone. However, I manage to take her as Ty takes the other towel on my arm and wraps it around his waist. He follows me closely into the room off the bathroom. “Here, set her on the bed and just sit next to her while I get dressed.”

  Trying to keep her covered with the towel while she keeps kicking it off, I’m laughing at her. “Yeah, she hates to be covered. Blankets drive her crazy,” Ty adds. Slipping on some fresh jeans, he walks over to Aspen shirtless with a onesie. “I don’t want to get her too overheated for now, so I’ll put her in this.” I see it, and my heart sinks looking at the words, mama’s girl. When I look up at Tyler, he starts, “Ems, I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you took a big leap by even agreeing to this…”

  “No, it was stupid. She was hurting and needed something.”

  Placing a kiss on my head, he says, “Thanks for taking her out of the shower. I forget how slippery she is when I do that.”

  “You two looked cute,” I say, turning away. “Look, Anders said you could move to the family units for tonight. No need to move her to a cold hotel when she’s getting over this.”

  With his brows furrowed, he asks the question I know is coming, “You are staying with us, right?”

  I bite my lip. “I wasn’t going to stay at the hotel, and so I thought …”

  “Ems, stay with us. You took a big step by holding her, so please, just be with us.” He now has Aspen dressed and is holding her in his lap. He takes his free hand and laces his fingers with mine.

  “I can’t promise anything, Ty. I’ll think about it.”

  “Okay.” He’s waiting to see if I try to hold Aspen again, and when I don’t, he goes to lay her in her crib. “I’m going to brush my teeth and crawl into bed with my wife while I hope our daughter naps,” he says with his playful tone. I know what he is getting at.

  I don’t stay with Tyler and the baby that night, and not for any other reason than I’m worn out from pretending to be someone I’m not. I help the baby one more time that day for about five minutes. It is all I can do not to freak out in front of Tyler. He went on and on about how I’m a natural and how our daughter was comfortable in my arms, but it was the worst five minutes of my life. I enjoyed watching her with Ty and seeing the bond those two share. She is still a little under the weather, so I’m not upset when he tells me he changed their flight to the next day, leaving a day early. I set my alarm for seven a.m. and walk over to the family quarters to help Ty out to the car with all the stuff one little person requires. After settling her into the car seat, I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. I thought about this last night, engaging the visualization techniques Grace armed me with, and in my mind, I did it repeatedly. I didn’t do it to save face with Tyler. I did it to show myself I’m the same, and I can do what I need to get my family back. I may not think I want this now, but I did at some point, and that person must exist inside me somewhere.

  Ty doesn’t say a word. I know he’s upset we didn’t spend the night together, but he stops me. “Ems, I knew this would be a tough trip for you under normal circumstances, but this was not normal.” Bringing me into the crook of his neck, where our baby had been the first night they were here, he whispers in my ear, “I love you, sweetheart, you know that. And I know you worked hard to get ready for our visit. You tried, and that’s all I can ask.”

  “Will you come next month?”

  “I will, just me again. But I want you to think about coming home in April. Can you do that?” he asks, pulling back, looking in my eyes.

  “I’m not sure. I’ll think about it, okay?”

  Dropping a kiss on my head, he only smiles. “I love you, Ems. Don’t forget that.” I watch him and Aspen travel down the dirt road that leads out of the retreat until I can’t see their rental anymore. I’m exhausted. I had no idea that something this emotional would lead to pure fatigue. Getting back to my little room, I slip into bed and sleep the whole day away.

  38

  Tyler

  I have been taking this same flight on the second Friday of every month for nine months now. Every month, when I see my wife, I watch a little more of the old Emma fill her body again. Last month, for the first time since visiting her, Grace agreed that Emma could stay off-site. I found a secluded cabin, so we could be away from everything. I wanted to go on long walks with her and, of course, have loud sex anywhere and everywhere we wanted. Of course, I didn’t consider that it was July in New fucking Mexico, but that only meant we did it like rabbits in the cool air conditioning of our cabin.

  However, now I’m planning something slightly more romantic. I want to ask her to come home. It has been almost a year, and I need her home. I have even asked Nick and Justine if Emma can stay with them if she isn’t ready to start full-blown mom duty. I have it all planned. More so, I want to start over; I want to say our vows again. I bought a large emerald ring as a sign of the love that created Aspen.

  When we are together, we discuss Aspen for about ten minutes, and for the past three months, she has asked for pictures, pointing out how much our daughter looks like her.

  One difference about this weekend is that Ems is borrowing one of the retreat’s vehicles and meeting me at the airport. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms. As I’m exiting the terminal and security, I see her waiting for me with a big smile on her face. I sure hope the hotel I booked is a close drive because the second I see her, I realize I need to be inside her.

  She rushes toward me, and I drop my bags right then to hold her. People must physically skirt around us, but I don’t care. I’m holding my girl and cornered within
the here and now. Pulling back, I take her in, every bit of her, and find the sparkle has returned to those almost black irises of hers. “Hell, Ems, I am so fucking happy to see you, sweetheart.”

  “Come on, let’s get going.” She stands on the tip of her toes and whispers in my ear, setting my whole body on fire. “The quicker we get there, the sooner I can give you a blow job.” Her little evil grin is only a bit of what is making me need to adjust my pants. Stifling a moan, I grab her closer and drop a kiss on her forehead.

  “You read my mind, Ems.” And with that, we leave the airport, and I have never been so happy I had only my carry-on and didn’t have to wait at baggage claim.

  On the elevator, I can barely keep my hands off her, and to make matters worse, a family with small kids rides the elevator with us to the floor below ours. She is shocked I reserved the penthouse for the weekend but not as concerned as she is about how long it is taking to get to our room.

  As soon as the family leaves the elevator, I bring my wife to me, quick and hard, and force my mouth against her lips. I worry I may bruise her beautiful lips, but she is just as needy for me as I am for her. My hands find my way to her ass as the doors open, and thankfully, we are alone in the hallway. Finding our room, as it is the first of the few penthouse rooms on this floor, I insert the keycard. The minute the door closes, I push her up against the wall. She is a willing participant in what we both need—quick and dirty and fucking right now.