Unwanted

by Leigh Lennon

  I walk out of the door, shaken as Jolie’s words hit me straight in the face.

  Back in my room, I hear a slight knock on the door and am surprised to see both Anders and Grace standing in front of me, acting as if someone had died. I’m instantly nervous something happened to Tyler, and then my mind wanders to the baby. At that moment, I realize something. I want to know how my baby is. “What is wrong?” I ask, my nerves taking over any rational thought.

  “We need to talk to you for a minute,” Grace says.

  “No, don’t tell me it is Ty or Aspen.” I now have them both dead in a ditch in my mind.

  Grace grabs my hand. “No, sweetheart, that’s not it.” Stopping, she instantly softens. “You just said your daughter’s name. Do you know what this means?”

  With tears streaming down my face, I only say, “Yes, I do. I think I’m ready to go home.” It is at this moment, I understand the trauma of seeing Reagan almost die in my arms brought back all the memories I have for Aspen, almost like it’s reversing the original trauma.

  Looking at one another, they start to laugh.

  “What is so funny?” I ask.

  “We were just about to tell you the same thing.”

  44

  Tyler

  How is it that one little girl requires so much stuff for a weekend away? My mom wanted to keep her so I could enjoy the wedding without her. But this is family, and I want Aspen to be at her aunt Rose’s wedding even if she may not remember it. There will be pictures of her of this day, and I want to tell her I did everything to keep her a part of her mom’s side of the family. Nick volunteered to take her for the weekend, too, to give me time at home by myself. He even mentioned I should start dating again. The ink is not dry on my divorce papers, yet he wants me to start dating. Well, it can’t be dry because I have not signed them yet. I’m not divorcing the love of my life and the mother of my child without a fight, but for now, I need to let Emma be. I know when I can reason with her and when I can’t. Hell, what am I thinking? I have never been able to reason with Emma. I have to wait for her to calm down and talk only when she’s ready.

  Leaving for a long weekend to Oregon to celebrate the marriage of someone who is near and dear to my heart gives me something to look forward to. It has been a pleasure to see Rose blossom into a wife and mother this year, and though she’s technically not married to Brody yet, they are one together. It makes me miss Emma, but more so, I have come to relish in people’s happiness without comparing it to the lack of happiness I feel with Emma still gone.

  As I load the last couple of items in the car, I see Aspen is waiting for me at the screen door as I instructed her. She’s really such a sweet and wonderfully behaved girl. Looking like her mama more and more each day with deep, almost black eyes and ebony hair, I can’t help but smile at the thought of Emma.

  45

  Emma

  For the past week, Grace has been working with me on my coping skills. We meet every day and work through scenarios as to how to react in certain circumstances. I needed to see Tyler face to face, and though Grace wanted me to call him, I need to surprise him. Only when he sees my eyes will he believe that I’m ready to be a wife and mom again.

  The first thing Grace prepared me for is that I might not be welcomed back into their lives right away. We’d worked on a backup plan, a place to stay and a job lined up, just in case. I went ahead and secured a weeklong efficiency suite near my house. I collected on a couple of favors from previous clients and associates. With a temporary position at an animal hospital and a place to stay, just in case, I make my flight arrangements.

  Now, armed with everything that my recovery has taught me, I say a tearful goodbye to Jolie, Reagan, and Anders, while I buckle into Grace’s SUV and let her drive me to the airport.

  I pull up to a darkened house. I never took into consideration that Tyler and Aspen would be gone on a Sunday evening this late. For once, I think of Aspen and wonder what it’ll be like to hold her, taking in her scent like I always do with Reagan. I don’t want to go over to my in-laws or to see my dad and Justine. I want to see Ty and take in everything about Aspen that I have missed over the past seventeen months. I’m nervous and scared. What if I see her and all my old resentment reappears? Then I remember Grace’s parting words. The trauma masked my love for Aspen. It has never been Aspen’s fault, just as Jolie took on the sacrifice of raising a child whose father is a monster, which has never been Reagan’s fault.

  I take in the house, one I have not seen in almost twelve months. It looks as if he painted it. Standing back with the light from the moon, the off-white siding has been painted a bright white and our previous black shutters have been replaced with green ones. It looks good. The first frost has passed by now, but the plants look like they have been tended to, and there are no weeds. I wouldn’t expect anything else from my husband.

  Those words, my husband, fill me with relief and sadness. I can’t believe that the last words I said to him were that I didn’t want him anymore. While I’m sitting on the steps, I see Ms. Dugur walk out to grab her paper, and I wave to her while she crosses the street. “Emma Hunter, is that you?”

  “Yes, Ms. Dugur.”

  I assume she’s not happy to see me. “What are you doing here, Emma?” Her tone is snotty, and I haven’t known Ms. Dugur to have a mean bone in her body, though serving divorce papers to him as I did might make her a bit protective of them.

  “Well, this is my home. I wanted to see my husband and daughter. Do you know where they are?” I try to show her the respect she deserves because she has always been sweet to my family even though her tone is accusatory right now.

  She’s hesitant until I finally say, “Look, Ms. Dugur, I know you have been a lot of help to Tyler and Aspen since I have been gone. And you must think I’m awful for leaving them as I did, but I was sick.”

  Wringing her hands, she only says, “I know that, dear. It is just that they’ve missed you so much. “

  “I can’t say I’m a hundred percent yet and not sure I’ll ever be, but I’m better. I wouldn’t have left the facility if I wasn’t.”

  Giving me a sheepish smile, she says, “Your sister, the one that had her baby last year. Well, they moved to Oregon, and Tyler and Aspen drove down this weekend for the wedding.”

  Rose got married. She is now in Oregon. I have so many questions, but I can get those answered by Ty when I see them. I have missed so much. I have not talked to my dad since I served Ty with divorce papers. No wonder I don’t know this. “I have Shelby this weekend for him. He called me an hour ago and told me he would be home …” Looking at her watch, she says, “Oh my, they should be here any moment. I’ll take Aspen over with me when they arrive to give you all some time to talk. She will want to see Shelby anyway if that is okay with you?”

  I’m so confused, but I only nod when I answer, “Yes, I want to see Aspen, but I think it is best I speak with Tyler first. But I must ask, who the hell is Shelby?”

  Once I find out Shelby is the new addition to our house in the form of a Pomeranian, I let myself into our home because it is both cold and I must pee. After finishing in the bathroom, I take a little stroll around the house. We have gotten new furniture. A brown sectional replaces our cream sofa and loveseat. Tyler warned me about that when we had kids, and I guess he’d been right. I can’t imagine what sort of condition those light sofas were in when he finally replaced them. I stroll into the kitchen to see Aspen’s highchair in the corner along with a big bin of sippy cups. Yes, she could be off the bottle by now.

  As I’m looking in the fridge for a Diet Coke, happy to see Ty still buys them, I help myself when I hear Ms. Dugur and Ty talking outside. She only says, “I’m taking Aspen with me to give you time to unpack.” When he questions the rental car outside and the open door, I can hear a smile behind her reply. “I think you may have a visitor.” Though I know Ms. Dugur means zero disrespect, I don’t like being referred to as a visitor in my own home. I
hear Aspen saying what I assume is Shelby very excitedly when I can hear the steps of my husband coming up our porch.

  Opening the door cautiously, he stops the second he sees me. But he doesn’t approach me for a hug. Why would he? I told him to let me go two months ago.

  “Ems, what are you doing here?”

  He still calls me Ems, what he has called me for over ten years now. It is his name for me. It leaves me with optimism, but he’s staring daggers at me. He doesn’t seem happy to see me.

  “I saved a baby’s life.”

  With his eyes furrowed, he only can say, “What?”

  I try to fill in the gap between us, but he stops me when his hand comes up in the air. “My roommate. Well, she doesn’t live in the same room with me now that she has a baby, but I was watching her one day, and while she was sleeping, a screw came loose from her crib. I had Reagan in my arms, her lifeless little body close to mine, and I thought I would lose her. I almost could vision I would have to tell her mom she choked to death. But I calmly took her over my knee and worked it out with thrusts on the back. Finally, she started wailing.”

  I hear how stupid I sound. I don’t have a right to Aspen anymore, but looking at him, I know I want that right. I want to be a mom, and I want this man more than I ever did. Partially because Tyler is my world, my everything, but we also created a baby together in love. That bond will link us forever.

  “So you saved a baby and now suddenly want to be a mom to Aspen?” I won’t lie; his words and tone hurt.

  I stand still because that is the skinny of the situation. Clearing my throat, I try to get closer to him yet again, but he again halts my approach. “I know it sounds silly, but the trauma of what happened in the operating room was matched with Reagan, the baby who started to choke, and her life was in my hands.” I realize this is harder, and he’s angrier than I remembered. “Ty, I know I hurt you. But holding Reagan made me realize what I was missing out on. I’ve missed seventeen months of Aspen’s life, and now I want her back.” Looking down, I sigh. “Ty, I want you both back. I have arranged to see a doctor here in Spokane twice a week. My therapist put me in touch with an accountability partner, similar to AA. I also have meetings I can go to. I have the temporary position I start next week, that is if I can get a good recommendation from my past employer.” I already have the job, but I need something to cut the tension. I smile at the joke, but his legs, along with his stance, have not moved. “Ty, say something.”

  “Divorce papers, Emma.” He’s borderline shouting at me. “Are there any other words you need?”

  He’s right, and I won’t even argue the hurt that is all over his face. I did this to him. This man, whose patience was so gracious, is still standing in front of me angry. I have run through all the grace and mercy I’ll ever know. “Twelve months. I was away for twelve months, and I couldn’t make myself better. It wasn’t happening. I wanted you and Aspen to get on with your lives, and sure, that was just a couple months ago, but I hope you haven’t. I want, no, I need to be a part of it.”

  “And what happens if you change your mind?”

  “I don’t have an answer for that, Ty. I want to try, though. But it’s such a hard question. So much can happen, but I know tomorrow is never guaranteed. Every tomorrow I have, I want to spend it with you and Aspen.” A small tear falls down my cheeks, and in the second it takes to fill the space between it, he’s in front of me wiping it off. Staring up at him, his eyes, too, are full of tears. “Ty, I’m sorry I pushed you away. More so, you have put up with me through all this. Please tell me I’m not too late.”

  Cupping my face with his large hands, he says, “Ems, you could be ten years late, and you’d never be late.”

  Taking the tendril of hair from my face, he says, “You will always be mine.” Before I know it, I’m off my feet as he carries me to our room, and he says, “Don’t ever forget we are fucking wonderful together.” I only laugh at his words that are more than just words. It is our tagline, our thing we share together along with a thousand other things that make Tyler and me an us.

  “What about Aspen?” I ask when he slowly places me on the bed.

  “Ms. Dugur knows how much I’ve missed you. Anyway, Aspen is in good hands.” He looks at me and stills. “That is the first time you have ever really asked about Aspen on your own.”

  I’m not sure how he feels about me questioning my daughter’s safety until a smile crosses his face. “I’m excited to see her.” I mean, for the first time, I want to see her; no, I need to see her, but Tyler needs something from me and I’m going to do whatever it takes to show him I want to be here. He backs up, pulling me to my feet. “What are you doing?” I think I have made him mad.

  “Ems, you want to see your daughter, so that is what you are going to get. This, you and me making love, can wait. I have never been so happy or turned on for my wife who wants to see our daughter.” He raises one eyebrow my way, the way he does when he’s turned on, and then continues, “I want you, there is no denying that, but Aspen needs to see her mother, and her mother needs to see her.”

  Buttoning his pants and adjusting his raging hard-on, he smiles at me, looking down at his groin. “He needs your attention soon, but for now, let me go get your daughter.”

  He’s out the door of our house as I emerge, waiting for Aspen. I have barely seen her. I never even wanted to look at pictures of her because it hurt so badly. Ty has a couple of pictures up, but there doesn’t seem to be anything current. My hands are shaking while I am looking at them, and they are all sweaty. Why am I so nervous? I’m fucking terrified. What if she hates me?

  In less than five minutes, Ty is back with our daughter, and what I assume is Shelby, our dog. They walk in the door, holding hands, and at that moment, he has never looked sexier. His fingers are interlaced with Aspen’s. I almost stop breathing at the beauty that is my daughter. She looks up at Tyler then at me and then back at Tyler. Shelby is at Aspen’s side as though to protect her from me if given the word. This small Pomeranian will not keep me from my girl.

  I walk a little bit, just to get closer to this girl of mine. I kneel about three feet from her and say, “Hi, sweet girl, you probably don’t know who I am.”

  Running toward me, she swings her small little arms around me and yells, “Mommy!” I’m speechless, looking at Tyler.

  Only smiling, he shrugs. “I never let her forget you, Ems.” And in less than a second, he kneels with us. Our dog joins, too, in a family hug that could last forever, for all I care.

  Epilogue

  Two Months Later

  Tyler

  Emma has been home for two months, and I can’t remember a time I have been happier. We have had our bumps along the way, but I would be scared if we didn’t. It took me a while until I truly felt safe leaving Emma alone with Aspen, but she understood that and seemed grateful. Within a day, her dad was at our doorstep. This is Nick we are talking about, and Emma’s place in his heart will never go away. I now understand the love he has for Ems because it’s the same I have for Aspen.

  Two months after she returns, my mom takes Aspen for the night. Emma is more nervous about an evening without Aspen than I am. After I make her my famous homemade spaghetti and meatballs, I take her hand in mine and pull out a small little box. It is the ring I wanted to give her months ago, but I couldn’t. She looks so confused. Getting down on my knees, I open a ring box to a beautiful stunning emerald.

  “Emma Wallace Hunter, you are already my wife, and I don’t ever want to forget our first wedding or the first six years of our life, both the wonderful times and the hard times.” Taking the ring out, I place it in her other hand. “But this ring here symbolizes our new life together; Aspen, you, and me. I want to renew our vows, say a whole new I do to one another with our daughter present and in front of our family, some who have been with us from the beginning and some who are new to us since the last time we married. I want to start over but also move on. Will you marry me again?” I as
k.

  Before I can slide Aspen’s birthstone on her, she’s in my arms. “I will marry you a million times over, Tyler Hunter.”

  Emma

  I watch Aspen in awe in Justine and my dad’s guest room in her red dress, looking at the bouquet of white calla lilies she’s going to carry down the aisle as she walks hand in hand with her father and me. I would never have thought a renewal ceremony would be something I wanted, but it is a way to share with everyone that I’m starting new, both as a wife and mother. Whenever I’m around Aspen, I’m filled with a love that seems greater than I ever thought I was capable of. I sometimes wonder how I lived this life without her while I was healing. My new doctor warns me against living in the past and how that will not help me move forward, so I try not to. But when I do, I’m only that much more determined never to let my daughter down again.

  Choosing to have a small ceremony at my dad and Justine’s house two weeks before Christmas, I knew that decorations wouldn’t be a problem as I bought a red dress for Aspen and a green one for me. It is a small family affair, but even with my family, small meant at least forty people.

  I hear a little knock on the door, and when I stand to answer it, I about fall over in my green dress and green matching heels I bought for this occasion. “What in the world?” I say, and before I know it, I’m embracing Jolie and Reagan with Grace behind her. “How, I mean, when did you get here?”