Clean Slate

by Heidi Champa

  “What’s going on?” I asked, my voice wary.

  Daniel ran a hand through his hair and paced a bit before answering.

  “I’ll tell you what’s going on. These two decided it would be a good idea to smoke pot. In Kelsey’s room. While we were downstairs.”

  My eyes went wide, and as serious as the situation was, there was a part of me that wanted to laugh. Then I looked at Sam. His face looked as though it might crack from the anger. I retreated to the edge of the scene, not wanting to risk saying or doing something wrong. Daniel turned to Sam and shrugged.

  “We called you right away, Sam. We didn’t know what else to do.”

  Sam stepped forward and looked at the girls, his arms crossed over his chest.

  “Well, what do you two have to say for yourselves?” Sam asked, his voice edged with tension.

  The girls were, unsurprisingly, silent. I mean, I’d been in their shoes enough to know that no answer would save the situation. Staying quiet was their best option, but I could see it was driving Daniel and Sam nuts. Kelsey looked at me for a moment, and I gave her a weak smile before she turned her eyes back to the table. She sniffled a few times before clearing her throat.

  “We’re sorry,” Kelsey said weakly.

  Daniel laughed and turned again to Sam.

  “Oh, okay. You’re sorry. Well, that fixes everything. If you want to see the outside world before your senior year, young lady, you better start talking. Where did you get the pot?”

  Kelsey and Maya looked at each other, but as I expected, neither of them said anything. I was wondering the same thing. But some things were universal. Like teenagers’ propensity for boredom and to do dumb things. Sam stood next to Daniel and tried again.

  “Mr. Green asked you a question, Maya. And I expect an answer too. Where did the two of you get your hands on this stuff?”

  Once again, the girls seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes. Kelsey looked at me again and let out a huge sigh.

  “I don’t want you to get mad, Dad,” she said, sneaking a quick glance at me.

  Daniel turned to Tina and rolled his eyes.

  “Think we’re a little past that, don’t you? Now talk!” Daniel’s voice was just below a shout, as angry as I’d ever heard him.

  Kelsey started crying again, and her words came out between sobs.

  “We found it.”

  It was Sam’s turn to scoff; then he spoke in a stern voice I’d never heard before.

  “Yeah, right. Like we’re going to fall for that.”

  Maya looked at him with puppy dog eyes and nodded.

  “But it’s true.”

  Daniel jumped in, clearly near the end of his rope.

  “Fine. Then where did you find it?”

  Kelsey looked at me with pleading eyes, like she wanted me to save her. But there was nothing I could do. She turned her gaze to Daniel and opened her mouth.

  “We found it in U Dub’s things.”

  In that moment, everything stopped and all eyes turned to me. Daniel was in front of me in an instant, his eyes locked on mine. I recoiled a bit, my nerves getting the better of me.

  “You brought pot into this house?”

  His voice boomed off the walls, and I winced at the sound.

  “Of course not! I haven’t smoked in years. You know that,” I said, my anger fighting with my fear.

  But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I remembered something. A joint that Nick and I had gotten from a friend a few months before we broke up that we’d never gotten around to smoking. A joint that was zipped into the pocket of my backpack, which sat in the basement, by my dresser. Kelsey and Maya could have found it. I thought of keeping it to myself, but before I could speak, Daniel grabbed a handful of my T-shirt and yanked me to him. He’d never been physical with me before, and I was scared of the look in his eyes.

  “You did, didn’t you? You brought weed here.”

  His voice was all accusation and rage. I tried to think of a way out, but there wasn’t one. Coming clean seemed to be my only option. Under the circumstances, I didn’t know what else to do.

  “I forgot I had a joint in my bag. It’s from a while ago. I planned to get rid of it, but I never did.”

  I thought for a second that Daniel was going to hit me, even though it went against everything he believed in. His arm reared back, and I closed my eyes. Instead he threw me back and I almost tripped. Luckily, the wall was there to stop my fall. That’s when I saw Sam’s face, his eyes burning into me. The withering disappointment I saw was more than I could bear. Any hope I had of explaining vanished when he grabbed Maya and pulled her out of the house without another word. Kelsey was sent to her room, and it was my turn to be grilled by Daniel and Tina. We sat down in the dining room, but I couldn’t keep still in my seat.

  I couldn’t believe Maya and Kelsey had found my joint. It just didn’t make sense. I had never mentioned it, never once talked about anything like that with Kelsey. And she hardly seemed the type to snoop through my things. It just didn’t add up. But a responsible adult would know better than to have it at all. Daniel tried to be calm, but I could see the vein in his forehead bulging.

  “How could you be so fucking stupid, Wes?”

  “I swear, I didn’t even remember having it until just now. It’s not like I told Kelsey I had it or anything. I don’t know how they would have found it. Unless she went snooping.”

  He sighed, his voice full of defeat.

  “That’s not the point. The point is, we thought we could trust you. You’ve been so great with Kelsey and your job and turning things around. But you’re still the same old Wes. You’re never going to grow up, are you?”

  I stood up from the table and looked at them, trying to save myself.

  “Daniel, Tina, you have to know I would never do anything to hurt Kelsey. This wasn’t my fault.”

  I expected more yelling, but what I got was much worse.

  “Yeah, it never is,” he said with a sigh.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Daniel stood up and stared me down.

  “It means that someday very soon, little brother, you’re going to have to take responsibility for your shit. And stop blaming everyone and everything else.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing,” I said.

  Daniel inched a bit closer.

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you did this on purpose. You have to fuck things up all the time, don’t you? Push things to see how far you can go before they explode. I can’t believe after all this time, and all the damage you’ve caused, you’re still playing this game. It’s bad enough that you did it to Nick. But I’m your brother. I thought we agreed you weren’t going to pull that shit with me anymore.”

  I stood my ground, not willing to let what he’d said slide.

  “That is not what I’m doing. I told you, I never mentioned the pot to the girls. I am not pushing you. Believe me, the last thing on earth I want is for you to be pissed at me, man. Daniel, you have to believe me; I didn’t do anything. I swear. If they found it in my stuff, it wasn’t because I wanted them to.”

  Daniel turned away from me and I thought he was going to leave it at that, but he didn’t.

  “I want to believe you. I really do. More than anything. But you know what, Wes? It really doesn’t matter. Whether you intended to fuck up or you’re just a fuckup, it doesn’t make much difference, does it? I’m tired of it, either way. And I can’t do this anymore. I’ve given you more than enough chances, but I’m done. Completely.”

  I swallowed, hoping I was wrong about what he was saying.

  “What does that mean?”

  He gave me a look so withering, it nearly broke my heart.

  “It means I want you out of here. I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here anymore. It just won’t work. I’ll give you a few weeks to get out, but don’t push it.”

  I was too stunned to be mad. But I had to try
and save myself.

  “You’re not seriously throwing me out over this? I didn’t do anything!”

  His next words were like a stab in the stomach.

  “God, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that growing up. I want to give you another chance, Wes, but I can’t. You’re really not giving me much of a choice. This time, you’ve gone too far. There are consequences, like it or not, for everything you do. Think about that next time you decide to sabotage a good thing. I love you, man, you know I do, but I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Daniel, please. Don’t throw me out.”

  He sighed and looked like he was going to say something more, but instead Daniel and Tina walked away, leaving me alone in the dining room. I was frozen for a moment, until Sam flashed through my mind. Fishing my keys out of my pocket, I ran out the front door and made my way to Sam’s. I knocked, hoping to God that he would answer. Sam pulled open the door and shook his head, but I stopped him from closing it in my face.

  “Sam, please. Let me explain.”

  He shook his head and shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “There’s nothing to explain.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He came outside, shutting the door behind him, but kept his distance from me.

  “I mean that this is exactly what I expected from you,” he said.

  His words made no sense to me, but my confusion was the least of my problems.

  “You expected me to forget I had a joint that Kelsey and Maya would find and smoke?”

  He shook his head, his tension evident in every move he made. It was a side of Sam I’d only seen once—the day I dropped his box of mementos on the floor. But that day was nothing compared to the anger I was getting from him now.

  “No. But I was pretty sure you’d disappoint me somewhere along the way.”

  The word “disappoint” hung in the air, cutting through me like a knife.

  “What?”

  Sam took a step closer, but he still felt a million miles away.

  “From the first moment we met, I could tell you were the prototypical guy who would never grow up. That you were nothing like me. At all.”

  His words from a few hours before ran through my head, about how he was crazy about me, how he cared about me. The two versions of Sam were at war in my head, and sadly, I had a feeling the wrong one was going to win. I feared it would do no good to remind him of his declaration, but I tried anyway.

  “Oh. So all that stuff you said before about wanting to be with me was a lie?”

  Sam looked away, his face unreadable. He shook his head, as if to clear it before he spoke. He was having a hard time keeping eye contact with me, but I couldn’t turn my eyes away.

  “That was me ignoring all my instincts. I let my physical attraction to you and the fact that you’re amazing in bed override my good judgment. And now I’m paying for it.”

  In a flash, Sam was back to being a stranger. And I was heartbroken. For some reason, I kept talking, even though I knew it wouldn’t do any good.

  “You started this, Sam. Not me. That night in your car was your idea, not mine.”

  He gave a weak grin, but it looked anything but happy.

  “You don’t get it, do you?”

  “I guess not.”

  I tried to keep myself from getting emotional and let my growing anger keep the tears at bay.

  “This, what happened tonight, is why I told you I couldn’t be your boyfriend.”

  “Because I had pot?”

  He put his hands in his pockets and sighed, shaking his head.

  “No, Wes. It’s because I don’t have room in my life for irresponsible and carefree. Fun is a nice thing, but I can’t think about just fun. I have to think about the future, about Maya’s future and who I want to be a part of it. And that’s not you, Wes. Tonight made me see how foolish I’d been. And blind.”

  I looked up at the sky and shook my head. I wanted to believe he was lying, that he was just trying to hurt me. But Sam wasn’t the kind of guy who lied. He meant it all. The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe, but I refused to let it show.

  “So what happened to your perfect plan?”

  I wanted him to say it. As much as it would kill me, I wanted to hear it with my own ears.

  “I let myself believe you were capable of more. I have to hand it to you, Wes. You really had me convinced you were different. That my first impression of you was wrong.”

  Rage pushed the last of my sadness aside, and I tried to stop myself from sneering as I replied.

  “You are wrong about me,” I said, even though I didn’t even believe it.

  He shook his head and put his hand on the doorknob.

  “No. I’m not. You proved that tonight. Now get off my porch. And while you’re at it, lose my number.”

  Before he could close the door, I made one last attempt.

  “Sam, wait.”

  I walked to his door, but he put his hand up. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and handed it to me.

  “Here’s your payment for the work you did in the garage. I won’t be needing your help anymore.”

  I looked at the check and let out a hollow laugh.

  “I don’t want your money, Sam.”

  He grabbed the check from me, the paper crumpling in his fist.

  “Fine. Then just go.”

  He slammed the door in my face again, and I backed away.

  WHEN I got back to the house, I trudged down the stairs to the basement. I could hear voices above me, Daniel and Tina clearly arguing. Most likely about Kelsey. My gaze fell to my backpack, leaning against the dresser across the room. My feet shuffled across the concrete floor, my fingers tingling as I picked up the bag. Holding my breath, I unzipped the front pocket and reached inside. When I pulled the baggie out, my eyes went wide. Instead of finding it empty, the joint that started the whole night on the path to hell was right there, just where I’d left it.

  My mouth went dry as I sat on the bed, my brain still trying to process what I was seeing. It wasn’t my fault. I was actually right this time. My first instinct was to run up the stairs and rub it in Daniel’s face, prove to him that he was wrong, and make it all go back to the way it was. I grinned for a second as I thought about that little talk, until reality set in. The more I thought about it, the more I realized fixing things wasn’t as easy as telling the truth. Sure, I’d get myself off the hook for the joint, but it wouldn’t accomplish what I really wanted, which was to turn back the clock. Back to Daniel believing in me and wanting to help me start a business. I wanted to be back in Sam’s bed, back in that moment where he told me he wanted to be with me.

  But no confession could make that happen. Things were said that couldn’t be taken back. Sam’s face flashed through my mind, his words repeating on a loop that I couldn’t shut off. Nothing I could do or say would change how he really felt. Even though I hadn’t fucked up, the joint had given him the perfect excuse to say what he really meant, what he’d secretly believed from day one. Revealing the truth now couldn’t undo the damage. Even if we tried again, Sam’s words were tattooed on my brain. There didn’t seem to be any way back from it. Whoever said the truth would set you free was a damn liar.

  And telling Daniel wouldn’t fix anything either. It was clear that all my years of screwing up and pushing him had finally made him break. Not that I blamed him. I’d given him more than enough reasons to feel the way he did. The joint was the least of it between us. Making him feel awful and wrong so I could stay in the basement didn’t seem like much of a victory. Sure, I wasn’t guilty of this particular crime, but that didn’t undo the years of second chances Daniel had given me when I really hadn’t deserved them. He’d always been there for me, and all I’d ever done was take that for granted. Plus, if it meant he was madder at me than he was at Kelsey, well, that was a good thing too.

  I took the joint and rolled it between my thumb and finger. I put it back and z
ipped the backpack shut. There was no reversing the last few hours. All I could do now was let them all hate me. It was easier that way. For everyone.

  I BARELY left the basement for five days. Magically, the calls for my services started to dry up within a day of the incident with Kelsey and Maya. So much for my new business venture. It was all over before it started. Luckily I’d saved almost all of the money I’d made along the way, and I would be okay for a while. I had no idea what to do next, and I knew I didn’t have a lot of time to decide. My welcome at Daniel’s was quickly running out. I was almost afraid to leave the house for more than a few hours, for fear I’d return to find my few possessions on the front lawn.

  After another few days of no work and no word from anyone but the television, I got an e-mail from my old friend Shannon, who had moved to California a few years before. She was looking to expand her organizing business and wanted to know if I was interested in joining her. She had asked me to go with her when she first decided to move, but at the time, I wasn’t ready. Now, it was the perfect time to get the hell out of Pennsylvania and start over. I called her immediately, and we talked for hours about the job, going over all the logistics. The pay she was offering was better than I expected, and she even knew someone who was looking for a roommate.

  I didn’t believe in signs, usually. But the universe was sending a pretty clear one with Shannon’s timely offer. It was the answer I was looking for, and the decision made itself. I told Shannon I would be in California in a few weeks, after I tied up a few loose ends. After letting a few days go by to make sure I didn’t have any second thoughts, it was time to tell Daniel and Tina I was leaving. Which would be tricky since neither of them were speaking to me. At dinner that evening, I sat silent, like usual, and I tried to think of the best way to bring it up. But there really wasn’t one, so I took a deep breath and lifted my eyes from my plate.

  “I’m moving to California,” I declared, throwing my bomb into the middle of dinner.

  The three of them looked at me, which was a start. I waited for someone to speak and was surprised when it was Kelsey.