by J. Saman
She smiles at the use of her name and starts to type away on her the computer in front of her. I fish into my bag for my wallet and quickly press the button on my phone, but it doesn’t illuminate and I realize it’s dead.
I wonder how long it’s been like this.
Just as well.
“That will be eighty-three fifty. I gave you the student discount.” She smiles warmly at me and her small bit of kindness is almost my entire undoing.
“Thank you, Hannah. I appreciate it.” I hand her my credit card and she hands me a room key that I accept gratefully. My room is on the second floor at the end of the hall, which I’m also happy about. It’s quiet back here and I need to try and get some sleep.
I haven’t had much of that in the last few days.
Damn crazy all-night sex and hospital visits.
Have I mentioned I officially hate men? Officially.
The room isn’t big, but it’s clean and the linens freshly laundered. There is a king-sized bed in the center with two small night stands on either side. Across from the bed is a small dresser with a television that is no doubt firmly affixed to it. I strip out of my wet clothes, laying them to dry across the sink that’s just outside of the toilet and shower area. I have nothing clean or dry to wear and the thought of sleeping naked in a hotel bed gives me the creeps.
I shower, taking extra time to enjoy the heat from the water.
The temptation to sink to the floor and cry my eyes out is real, but I don’t want to indulge that. I’m not big on self-pity and that’s exactly what that cry would be. I towel off, but decide to wrap another one around myself for me to sleep in while my clothes dry out. Blow-drying my freshly washed hair, I take far more time and care than needed.
I look like crap.
My eyes are red and puffy, but worse than that, I just look sad.
By the time I crawl into the softer than I would have expected bed, it’s late, close to midnight. But as I lie here, listening to the howling of the wind and the heavy torrents of rain that slap against the roof mixed with the occasional flash of lightening and crack of thunder, I’m oddly tempted to call my mother.
I’m desperate for her sweet, soothing voice and always brilliant words of wisdom. But it’s late and I don’t want to wake her, so I roll over, adjusting my towel and closing my eyes, hoping sleep takes me quickly tonight.
CHAPTER 32
MY EYES CRACK OPEN AND for a moment, I have no idea where I am. The disorientation quickly fades as the events of yesterday and last night come crashing down on me like a wave, and suddenly I’m drowning in them. Ugh. I sit up, drawing my knees up and rubbing my face with my hands.
Glancing at the alarm clock, I realize it’s already after nine and as much as I’d love to stay here all day in this bed and procrastinate going home, I can’t.
I have work to do, and that’s more important than the other bullshit that’s waiting for me. My clothes are dry, so even though I feel a little nasty putting them back on, I have zero choice in the matter. The lobby is bustling with activity as I go to check out. Hannah is obviously gone and in her place is a man that is all business.
“I hope you enjoyed your stay,” he says as I hand him back my room key, looking over the final bill. “You are welcome enjoy our complimentary breakfast.”
I nod with a smile. Nothing has ever sounded so good.
After I’m finished scarfing down my freshly made waffle, which actually isn’t half bad, I realize I need to call a cab in order to get home. My phone is dead and the guy at the front desk, whose name is Diego, calls a cab for me. Stepping out into the morning sun, there are branches and sticks littered all over the grounds.
That storm was intense, but I managed to sleep through most of it.
My cab shows up and after giving him my address, I spend the rest of the ten-minute drive giving myself a little pep talk. My plan is to walk into my house—please let the door be unlocked—and then just to go right for my bedroom. I’m really not up for another heart to heart with Aubrey, and if I see Xander right now, I might smack his ridiculously handsome face.
The cab stops and after I’ve paid, I find myself standing on the sidewalk in front of my building, pissed off again that I don’t have keys. Shit.
A full five minutes pass with no one coming or going, but just as I’m about to give in and press the button for my apartment, the door swings open. “Jessica,” I call out rushing towards the door. “Hold that for me, please.”
“Sure thing,” she says with her southern twang and bright smile. “Forgot your keys?”
“Something like that.” I smile back as I skirt inside, throwing her a very thankful
wave. My breath catches with nervous anticipation before I turn the knob of my door all the while silently chanting; please be unlocked, please be unlocked.
It is.
I take a deep steadying breath, open the door wider and walk right inside like I own this place.
“What the fuck, Abby?” Aubrey calls out the second I enter.
Nina is here. Great. Aubrey looks frantic. His eyes are wild and his hair looks like he’s been running his hands through it constantly. He also has a nice shiner on his right eye. No sign of Xander.
“Where the hell were you? I’ve been going out of my goddamn mind.”
I laugh, shaking my head as I start to walk past him.
“Abby?” Nina calls out to me softly and I turn to face them.
“Both of you are sitting squarely on my shit list.” I point at Aubrey. “Especially you, brother. You’re a liar and a hypocrite.” His eyes widen because I never speak to him this way, but I have the sudden urge to unleash holy hell on him. “I have done nothing but love and support you, Aubrey. Every decision, whether I agreed with it or not, I was by your side.” I jab my finger in his direction again. “You had a constant revolving door of women that you used as a hole and heartbeat until you were done, and then you readily and contentedly threw them away like trash.” I take a step towards him, looking in his green eyes, the exact same shade as mine. My blood is boiling. “And I never said one word to you about it. Never. Because I love you and even though I didn’t like it or agree with it, I figured it was your life to live.” I look over at Nina, who is just standing there watching us, her eyes darting back and forth between Aubrey and myself. “I always knew you liked Nina. I always knew you wanted her.”
My head lowers a little bit, some of my bite dwindling, as I turn back to Aubrey.
“And if you two had come to me and told me what was going on, you would have had my blessing. Sure, I would have been nervous about where it would have gone and how it would have turned out. But I would have had enough faith in my relationship with you,” I point at Aubrey before turning my finger on Nina, “and my friendship with you, that it wouldn’t have turned into a disaster for me.”
“Abby—” Aubrey starts, but I hold up my hands stopping him.
“I would have never spoken to you the way you spoke to me yesterday. I would never have made demands over your life and your heart for my own benefit. Never,” I emphasize the word. My hands folded in front of me as I look up into his pained, regret filled eyes. “You have never once supported me in my decisions. And maybe that’s my fault for never really paying attention to that, but I do now.”
I sigh, running my hands over my face before lowering them to my hips.
“Aubrey, I am not you. I’m not broken anymore. I haven’t been that fragile hurt girl in the hospital for a long time. I don’t need you running my life and my decisions. I never did.”
His eyes fall to the floor in front of me, his hands coming up to his hips and he takes a deep breath.
“I can’t even tell you how badly you’ve hurt me.” I look to Nina. “Both of you.” Shame fills her eyes. “Neither of you respected me enough to tell me the truth about your relationship. And maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but it is to me, and that’s all that matters in this.”
I turn to walk away, feeling deflated and mentally exhausted, but yet somehow, better for getting everything off my chest.
“I’m so sorry, Abby.” Aubrey reaches out, grabbing my arm and pulling me into his chest. “I’m so goddamn sorry. You’re right about everything you said. All of it.” His hand is running down the back of my head as he holds me so close I can feel his heart hammering in his chest. “I’m a selfish bastard. I know this. I will never ever speak to you that way again.” He pulls me back so I can look into his face, but his hands are still grasping my shoulders so I can’t get too far. “I panicked and I was scared about how things would change and I lost it. I’m sorry.”
I nod, but I don’t know if I’m fully ready to forgive him yet.
“I’m sorry too,” Nina says. “You’re absolutely right to be upset with me. I should have talked to you about it immediately because our relationship,” her finger waves back and forth between herself and Aubrey, “does impact you. We take you for granted way too much and I will never make that mistake again.”
I nod, but my voice has stopped working as tears start to stream down my face again. I swear I’ve never cried so much in my life as I have in the last twenty-four hours.
“Where were you last night? We were fucking frantic,” Aubrey says, calling my attention back to him. “No one knew where you were and your phone went straight to voicemail.” I blink up at him. “Xander spent hours driving around in that storm looking for you. He was convinced you were sleeping on a bench in the park or something.”
I snort and I don’t know what I find more unbelievable? The fact that Xander was out looking for me, or the fact that they think I’m stupid enough to sleep on a bench in the park during a storm.
“I slept in a hotel.” I shake my head, thoroughly annoyed once again. “How dumb do you think I am?”
“Abby,” Aubrey shakes his head, “that’s not how we meant it.”
“Whatever.” I step back making his hand drop down to his sides. “I have work I need to do.” I turn away from their stunned faces and start to make my way down the hall.
“Are we okay?” Aubrey yells after me.
I stop, rolling my head over my shoulder to look at both of them. “Not yet,” I answer truthfully. “But we will be.” They both nod with despondent expressions that I’m not in the mood to fix.
They should feel like shit, at least for a little longer.
I open the door to my room and have never been so happy to see it in my entire life. Oh, and the fact that I have my own bathroom attached? That’s money.
But as my eyes scan around my room, I find Xander passed out in my bed and a heavy sigh passes my lips. Should I wake him or just ignore him and go shower? I don’t know what I want to say to him right now. I don’t know how I feel about him right now.
I shake my head, bypassing my room and heading straight for the bathroom. I need to shower off the last twelve hours.
By the time I make it out of the shower and wrap myself in my bathrobe, Xander is awake, sitting on my bed and waiting for me.
“Where were you, Abby?” He looks miserable and exhausted and I get just the smallest touch of satisfaction from that. He continues when I don’t answer, “I called your phone, but it was off.” He looks me up and down, his eyes resting on my waist before his head drops into his hands. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life.”
“Honestly, I didn’t really think you cared.”
“I didn’t think you’d take off like that. I didn’t think you’d run off without your keys or a working phone.” He lifts his head to look at me.
I laugh humorlessly. “You can stop treating me like an errant child anytime now. I’m not some volatile girl that needs to be handled and dealt with. I’m just tired of the fight, Xander. I’m tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to everyone around me, including you.” He doesn’t move, just lets out a deep and resounding sigh that only proves my point further. “You asked me not to give up on us, but everything I saw yesterday shows me that that’s exactly what you did.” I frown, taking a step forward. “You want truth? Here’s your truth. You hurt me. A lot. Possibly worse than Aubrey did.”
“I know. I fucked that all up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he says and I hear the scoff out of my mouth before I can stop it. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
I scrunch my eyes shut at the endearment and hold up my hand.
“I didn’t choose Aubrey over you.”
I’m shaking my head back and forth. I don’t want to hear this.
“I didn’t, Abby. I swear to God I didn’t. I just froze, okay? I fucking froze and I panicked. I heard what he said and I panicked.”
“Stop.” The word leaves my mouth in a soft whisper. I feel the tears starting to burn the backs of my eyes again.
“I never knew about how things ended with you and Kyle. I never knew that so many before me had told you that they loved you. That you ended it when they did. And I froze,” he repeats. “I pictured you eventually doing that to me. I—”
“I said stop!” I scream, ignoring his wounded expression. “I don’t want to hear this. It means nothing to me that you froze or that you panicked. You thought I was a heartless bitch who made men fall in love with her only to leave them behind?” I shake my head. “I heard all that from Aubrey yesterday and I don’t need to hear it again.” I hold up my hand as he tries to move towards me.
“Goddammit, you’re so stubborn. I had to talk to Aubrey. And that’s what I did. Yes, I probably should have come after you sooner, but I needed to make things right with your brother before I could do that.”
“Because he’s more important to you than I am.”
“No,” he yells, standing up and storming toward me. “I punched him in the face for what he said to you, okay? I would have done worse, but he pulled back and admitted that he deserved it.”
I can’t help but grin at that and Xander does as well.
“I’ve been going out of my mind since you left. After I punched Aubrey and he apologized, we called you, but your phone was off. So I went out to look for you. For hours,” he adds.
“I went to a hotel after seeing Nina in the bar.”
He nods once.
“I’m really freaking pissed off at you.”
“I know.” His hand finds my chin, lifting it up until my eyes meet his. “But I can’t live without you again, so you’re going to have to forgive me. I am so sorry for letting you walk out of the apartment like that.” His eyes glow with sincerity and love. His face hovering only a few inches from mine. I can’t look anywhere else. “I shouldn’t have let Aubrey fill my head with bullshit that doesn’t matter.”
He sighs, running his hand through his hair and I sort of wish he hadn’t just done that because it was perfectly tousled before and now it’s all over the place.
“I hated hearing that so many men have told you the same words that I have. I knew about Kyle and I heard Brandon, but I didn’t know that this was a running theme with you.”
I look down. “It’s not like that.” My tone is defensive as I wrap my arms across my stomach, pressing in a little, needing the comfort. “Aubrey was greatly exaggerating to prove a point. To make you second guess me.”
“So are you saying that every guy you’ve ever dated hasn’t told you that he’s in love with you?” His tone is challenging and incredulous.
“No. Not everyone.” My eyes come up to his as I shake my head.
He growls, getting frustrated with the roundabout we’re doing. “Fine, just most.”
I don’t comment, because there is no point. He’s got this in his head and he won’t believe me.
“I can’t tell you how much that bothered me. How much it still bothers me. But what really pushed me over the edge, was hearing how you left all of them, even Kyle, when things got too serious.”
I push him with both my hands, but he hardly moves and that’s just adding to my aggravation. I can feel it creeping up my face a
long with the slow burning heat that’s reddening my cheeks. “I do not leave when things get serious. That’s not what happened with any of them.”
“I know,” he says calmly, so I push his chest again because his cool is just pissing me off more.
“Obviously, you fucking don’t, so I’ll spell it out for you. I loved Kyle in a very juvenile high school way. He was our best friend growing up. But I was not in love with him. Not the way I wanted to be, which is why I ended it. Those other guys, well, I wasn’t in love with them either. And it’s not like there were that many. There weren’t.” I push him again and he reaches up to hold my hands against his chest, pressing me so tight that I feel his heart thrumming through the thin fabric of his shirt. I try to pry myself free, but he’s not letting me go. “I didn’t think it was fair to stay with someone that I didn’t love back. That I knew I wasn’t ever going to love back. That’s why I ended it with them.” I glare at him. Narrowing my eyes into tiny slits, I pushed against him even though I can’t free my hands. “And in case you missed it, I didn’t end it with you. I told you I loved you back. That I was in and you’re,” I push again, “the one who left me.”
“I know,” he says again, his voice drops as his eyes search my face, holding on to me so tight. “I got scared. I was terrified I’d end up like those poor bastards. And the worst part? I already knew how it felt to lose you. I froze, and by the time I snapped out of it, you were gone.”
I have nothing to say to that so I just stand there in silence, letting his words wash over me. Xander lets go of one of my hands, but I don’t try to pull it away now. His heart is hammering inside his chest and I’m not really sure why.
Is he still scared?
I don’t know.
My thumb glides along the soft fabric over his chest and his eyes shut for a moment, before opening back up, fiery sapphires. He shakes his head, leaning in to brush his lips against my forehead.
“I can’t lose you, baby. I just can’t.” His lips find the tip of my nose. “I am eternally sorry for hurting you. For not trusting you and the way you felt about me.”