by J. Saman
He’s right though, because all of that is true.
I didn’t love Kyle in the forever sense and I never fell for the boys I’ve dated since, so when a few of them told me that they loved me, I broke it off because I didn’t think it was fair to be with someone who was more attached than I was.
And in this moment, that makes me the bitch.
“Because I didn’t want to marry him, Aubrey,” I say firmly, hoping he’ll understand this. “I loved Kyle. I did. But not in the way he deserved. Not in the way where I could picture spending four years of my college life with him.” I lick my lips that suddenly feel so dry, my arms crossing over my stomach as I grip my biceps tightly. “Not in the way that I could picture a happily ever after with him.”
“And I lost my best friend because of it!” Aubrey roars at me, making me flinch back.
Shit that stings.
“He doesn’t even speak to me anymore, Abby. And we were friends since we were five.” He points to Xander. “And how long before that happens again? How many of my friendships do you need to ruin?” Tears are streaming down my cheeks in long wet rivulets. “Xander is my best friend and I won’t let you fuck that up again.”
“I love him, Aubrey.” God, my voice is so weak.
Aubrey laughs. “Yeah, but that won’t last. You’ll just break his heart because that’s all you are, Abby. A goddamn heartbreaker.” I slap him before I even know what I’m doing. And once I realize what I did, I cover my mouth with my hand, completely horrified, shaking my head so vigorously because I’ve never hit my brother. Ever.
And everything he said is right.
He has every right to be pissed about this and to question me thoroughly. To make accusations and to put his foot down. But I don’t want to back down from this.
I want Xander.
Xander who’s standing there with no words.
Xander who isn’t even looking at me.
Xander who is believing everything that Aubrey is saying to him. Believing that I will get rid of him the way I did Kyle and every other guy since.
“It will last,” I say, trying for the strength in my voice that is not there. “I’m sorry about Kyle,” I sob out. “I am. I never meant to hurt you or him, but it would have been worse if I had stayed with him. I would have hurt him more if I had stayed. Because he deserves to be loved better than I could love him. And that’s how I love Xander.”
I look over at him, but he’s like a stone. Frozen in space and time with no emotion. Why isn’t he talking? Why isn’t he standing up for me and telling Aubrey just what we mean to each other?
Aubrey’s shaking his head, his hand still clasped firmly to the cheek that I just slapped.
“I’m not going to risk my friendship with him to one of your flaky whims, Abby. He deserves better than that.” And even though he doesn’t vocalize it, I can see it. What he’s really saying is that Xander deserves better than me.
Holy fucking shit. I can’t believe he just said all that to me.
My heart just officially broke.
And Xander isn’t doing anything to make it better.
What the hell just happened here?
I turn around, grab my purse off the entry table and walk out the door with a heavy slam.
And Xander doesn’t follow me out. I stand outside the apartment for a full minute. Long enough for either one of them to come after me.
But they don’t, and I leave.
I’m tempted to get in my car and drive somewhere, but I don’t really know where to go. I could go to Nina’s and Samantha’s place, or Grace’s. They’re all home now, but I don’t really feel like talking.
I feel like doing a lot of drinking and crying, but I know the first part will only make things worse.
My mind flashes to Xander’s words from only yesterday at the hotel.
“You and me. Tell me it’s real. Tell me that no matter what, you’re not going anywhere.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say, but he shakes his head.
“I mean it, Abby. I can’t handle having you like this and then losing you again.” He shakes his head again, letting out a long weighty sigh, looking away from me out at the view, but not exactly seeing it either. “I know this is going to get real complicated for us when things go back to normal. Aubrey is going to be difficult. He’ll fight us on this, big time. He’s made it clear to me time and time again that he doesn’t want us together. It was no secret.”
So Xander, I kept up my end of things. I fought for us. Told my brother that I love you and where the hell are you now?
What happened to no matter what?
My heart is broken in so many ways right now that I can’t even wrap my head around any of it. How am I ever supposed to go back home? My brother thinks I’m a heartless bitch who uses men like they’re toys and then throws them away. And my boyfriend didn’t even fight for me. Not one word that said he loves or trusts me.
That I am worth the risk.
I mean, come on. Isn’t that what relationships are? Trial and error. They either work out and you last forever, or they don’t.
Did Aubrey really expect me to marry my high school boyfriend? The only man I’d ever been with? Or any of the other guys that I knew weren’t right for me? Why? Because they thought they loved me when it was actually infatuation or some misguided notion of love?
And Aubrey is hardly one to talk when it comes to love or relationships. He’s out the door, or kicking them out of ours, before the twelve-hour mark hits. And those girls are always a mess about it. Always upset. Because I’d bet money that he doesn’t tell them it’s just sex before he does the deed.
So they’re looking for more than he’ll ever give.
At least I’m honest.
I tell these guys straight up that I don’t feel the same way they do. Always. So fuck Aubrey and his self-righteous bullshit. And fuck Xander for not being the man I thought he was.
Just fuck men all together.
I don’t need them. Not for anything.
CHAPTER 31
BY THE TIME I FINALLY sit down, it’s dark outside. And it’s getting cold. The warmth from this morning is bringing in a nasty front, and in the south, in the early spring, that can sometimes mean tornadoes. We’re not in that area, but you never know. We’ve certainly had our fair share of warnings.
My phone has stayed in my purse, except for the once that I checked the time immediately after leaving. It has to be about two hours since I left my house and no one has called me. Not Aubrey. Not Xander. Nobody.
It’s Saturday night and school is set to start again on Monday, but for tonight, I can’t go home. I just can’t. The worst part of all of this is that Xander drove my car last and forgot to hand me my keys back when we got home. So I could go get my car, but I have no keys to drive it.
Grace and Gavin live close, but I don’t want to see Gavin right now because he’s very close with Xander and Aubrey. Samantha doesn’t have a car and Nina is working tonight. For a fleeting hot second I consider calling Brandon for a ride, but quickly push that out of my mind, because I’d have to be insane to call him.
The bar where Nina works is about a mile away so that’s where I’m headed, because I’m officially out of options and I’m cold in my short-sleeved tee. I’d also be willing to bet it’s going to storm soon going by the clouds that are creeping in to eclipse the stars, and I’d rather not be out here when it does.
The streets are a little more crowded tonight than they have been all week. Everyone is coming home from their break, getting ready to finish their semesters up, when I feel like mine is just beginning.
I never mentioned to Xander my idea to become a writer.
In truth, I didn’t mention it to anyone yet. Certainly not my pragmatist lawyer parents. Not my brother. No one.
I feel alone, like the people I had in my life aren’t there anymore. I realize I’m being melodramatic, but to feel like you’ve lost your brother and the man you’re in l
ove within one night is enough to make anyone overemotional.
I step into the bar just as the wind outside begins to pick up, making opening the heavy oak door even harder. The bar is its usual Saturday night crowded self, but my eyes quickly spot Nina who is sporting a tan and a bright smile. I know she’s busy. But I need her so I zero in and weave myself through the boisterous, easygoing horde of patrons. By the time I reach her, she’s at the bar getting ready to serve out another round of shots to some table.
“Hey,” I call out loud enough that she can hear me. Her blonde head snaps up from her task of loading the small glasses filled with some kind of light green liquor onto a tray.
“Hey, babe.” She smiles big at me, letting me know she’s happy to see me, which is exactly what I need. Her eyes glide over my shoulder, no doubt looking for my usual entourage, but I’m here alone tonight. Then her eyes narrow in on mine and she freezes, smile and everything. “What’s wrong?” Her bright smile slips and mine was never there.
“Do you have a minute, Nina? I mean,” I laugh uncomfortably looking around the bar over my shoulder, “I realize you’re crazy busy, but do you get a break or anything?”
She nods her head, not taking her eyes off of mine. Why does she look nervous? She’s chewing on her lip, glancing behind her scanning for Hank no doubt. “Yeah, let me deliver these shots and then I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll wait.” I stand here, watching the smiling faces of people who are reuniting after a week away, telling stories about their breaks and laughing at banalities.
And I’m jealous.
I miss my brother and I realize in this moment that the only thing I want is for him to be happy for me. To accept my choices for what they are and support them no matter what.
It’s what I do for him.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. Turning my head, I see Nina looking at me with her large brown eyes, full of concern and apprehension?
“Hank?” she calls out, to the portly middle aged balding man behind the bar. “I’m taking a break.”
“Nina, we’re getting slammed,” he yells back, not bothering to even look up at her as he pours what looks like a rum and coke.
“I’m going out for a cigarette, I’ll be right back.” She winks at me.
“You don’t smoke,” he says back with little emotion in his voice.
“I do now. I need five. You’ll be fine, big guy. All of my customers are newly refreshed with their beverages.”
“Fine.” He waves her away with his chubby hand and Nina grabs my arm, pulling me back through the swinging door that leads to the staff area.
“It’s getting nasty out, otherwise I’d say let’s go out back, but I think we’ll have to deal with the break room.” Nina leads me into a brightly lit room with wood paneling, a long oval shaped table, a small fridge and a microwave. “Sit.” She points to a large wooden chair tucked under the table.
“Thanks, Nina.” My voice cracks and I hate myself for it. Hate feeling so weak and torn up.
Nina locks the door, which I appreciate, before pulling out her own chair that makes a grating sound against the wood floors. She sits down, facing me as I face the table. If I look at her right now, I’ll break down and I really don’t want to break down again.
“Talk to me.” Her hand covers the one I have resting on the table in front of me. “You’re scaring me.”
“God, Nina.” I shake my head, swallowing hard as I think about where to start. “It’s been the most messed up week.”
She squeezes my hand encouragingly. “Then start at the beginning.” I nod my head, keeping my eyes trained on the crack between the paneling, losing focus as I think back on how everything started.
I take a deep steadying breath and then I tell her everything. About being sick and the emergency room and the fight with Xander after that. About him leaving and my revelation about Brandon and Chris and what really happened the night I was drugged. I tell her about my two perfect nights with Xander and every single detail about what happened when Aubrey got home.
She’s silent the entire time, listening intently and allowing me to get everything out.
But when I’m done, her hand releases mine and she sits back against the thick wood balustrades of the chair.
“Jesus, Abby.” Her head shaking back and forth. She’s silent for a moment before leaning forward and bringing her hands down on her thighs with a loud slap. “So, put Brandon and Chris and all that shit aside.” She points a finger at me. “But we’ll definitely address that another time.” She sighs like she doesn’t know what to say or how to do it. “I just can’t believe Aubrey would say all that to you. All week it was ‘Abby would love this’ and ‘I wish Abby was here to see that.’” Her voice trying to mimic Aubrey’s. “Maybe he was just really shocked, ya know? Do you want me to talk to him?”
“You? Why would he listen to you about this?” I scrunch my eyebrows at her and she does that biting of her lip again before looking down.
“Abby,” she starts, twisting her fingers in her lap.
“Nina. What the hell?” I ask, scraping my chair back as I move to face her better. “Are you sleeping with him?” She can’t look at me and I want to die right now. “Nina!” I’m practically yelling. “Since when?” Could the timing of this be any worse? I mean, seriously?
Her eyes slowly turn to mine and my heart sinks at the look in them. “I’m so sorry, Abby.” I’m shaking my head. “We wanted to tell you, but Aubrey said we should wait until we got back. You were so sick and stressed out with that paper of yours and it just never seemed like the right time.”
I’m standing before I even realize it, looking down at her face. “How long, Nina?”
“We’ve been together for almost three weeks.”
I’m going to be sick. That fucking hypocrite. “Are you just sleeping with him or is this something more?”
Her eyes skirt down to the table as she runs the tip of her finger along the thick grains in the wood. “We’re together,” she says quietly.
“Jesus.” I run my hands through my hair and begin to pace. “You’re with my brother and no one thought to tell me about this?”
“You were so sick, Abby, and so stressed out.” Her voice is defensive, but her eyes stay on the table. She knows just how wrong that was.
“You are my best friend, Nina and he is my brother. You could have found time to tell me about something that impacts me.” I’m standing over her with my hands on my hips. I’m fuming mad right now. My breaths are coming out harsh and ragged. “I told you I’d be fine with it, if you told me about it.” I shake my head. “So you lied to me for a week and a half before you left? Every time you saw me you lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t say anything.” She’s kidding me, right?
“It’s a lie by omission. No fucking difference.” I run my hands up and down my face trying to take some deep calming breaths but nothing is helping me right now. Nothing.
“Let me get this straight. You’re with my brother, but I’m not allowed to be with Xander. He doesn’t care if my friendships are impacted, just his. My best friend lied to me. My brother is not only a liar but a selfish hypocrite, and the guy I’m in love with just chose my brother over me.”
Nina’s silent, despite the break in my rant.
“I’m out of here.” I just can’t be in this room with her anymore.
I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can’t breathe.
“Abby, please wait,” Nina cries out after me. I can hear the tears in her voice, but I can’t stop. I can’t look at her and I can’t be near her. I need distance from everyone in my life. Now. I open the door and take off into a sprint through the kitchen, but instead of going back through the bar, I turn right and head for the back door, past the bathrooms, that leads to the alleyway.
I break through the door and am immediately engulfed in strong swirling wind and pounding rain. I’m soaked instantly, but I don’t care. I ru
n down the dirty alley towards the main road and when I get there, my eyes scan the street from left to right, looking for something.
And then I spot it.
God must love me right now because there is a cab just sitting there with its headlights on and wiper blades going. I run right for it, slipping a little as I try to come to a quick stop so I don’t slam into the door. I crack open the door and slide myself inside the warm dry cab.
“I need to go to a hotel,” I bark out, thankful that I brought my purse with me.
The driver’s eyes find mine in the rearview mirror, but he doesn’t comment on my appearance or my request. He simply starts the meter, turns on his signal and pulls out of the spot on the side of the street. We’re driving for about two minutes when his voice disturbs the pounding of the rain on the roof of the car. “Which hotel?”
We only have two hotels in our small college town and neither are anything special. But I’m not looking for special right now. I’m looking for decent and warm.
“I don’t care,” I tell him.
They’re both pretty much the same damn thing. He nods once, his eyes flashing up to mine in the mirror again before turning back to the road. Less than five minutes later, he pulls up to a brightly lit two-story hotel.
“Thanks.” I hand him the cash and tip before getting out, slamming the door behind me.
I’m soaking wet and freezing, and the cold howling wind is not helping that. Wrapping my arms around myself tightly, I walk briskly towards the mechanical doors that open upon my arrival. The lobby is clean and brightly lit. Both good signs. I march right up to the registration desk towards the young girl who I think goes to my school. She looks familiar.
“Hi.” I try to smile though I’m sure I’m not fooling her. I look like hell just had its way with me. “I need a room for the night.”
Her eyes glide over my dripping wet hair, makeup streaked face and sodden clothes. “Any preference on the type of room?” She’s professional, I’ll give her that.
I shake my head. “Anything with a bed will do . . .” I look at the name tag pinned proudly on the upper left chest of her blue uniform. “Hannah.”