“Then that’s my failing. I shouldn’t have let it progress this far. He’s exactly right. I’ve been hurting the boys by shutting myself away. I didn’t realize they would miss me. But the solution isn’t to get rid of Will. It’s for me to start acting like the Alpha.”
“Don’t ever start doing that. It’s your rejection of all things Alpha that makes us all love you so much.”
Kaleana’s smile warmed him, releasing a flutter of emotion in his heart. He had always known the others loved him, but they loved the Alpha who had taken them in from the cold and given them love and care and a home. Kaleana knew everything about him, including the fact that he’d never be able to love her the way she deserved because she was a woman, and she still loved him. Her acceptance meant more to him than he could articulate. In a way, she had served as his conscience all these years.
“How about I start acting like the Alpha you’ve come to expect?”
“Done.” Kaleana leaned against the wall, sitting next to Malcolm and stretching her legs in front of her. Malcolm relaxed beside her. “Now, why don’t you tell me what happened? Whatever it was, it’s been coming for a while. It’s probably best that it happened now. The tension in this house is enough to suffocate anyone.”
Malcolm inwardly winced. He shouldn’t have let this happen. “He told me I’m making everyone miserable and basically called my reasons for not eating with the boys shit.”
“Good. I’m beginning to think you’ve heard that from me so much that you tune it out.”
“I just think you’re so close to me that you sense more than the others do. I really didn’t think it’d matter to the boys that I wasn’t spending as much time with them. I knew I missed them, but they have so much fun without me, I never gave it a thought.” Silence met his statement. He glanced at Kaleana’s raised eyebrows and pursed lips and sighed. “All right, I’m thoughtless. Nothing new there.”
“You’re only thoughtless when it comes to personal relationships. That’s not so bad. It’s what you have me for.”
“You’re too nice to me, Kaleana. I don’t know when I’ll start simply listening to you to begin with. I’ll resume my schedule with the boys. I was going to have to anyway. Eval is coming up.”
“I had wondered if you’d realized.”
“How could I not? I need to make sure the boys aren’t nervous. I hate putting them through it.”
“They know you don’t have a choice. Besides, it makes a difference knowing your Alpha actually cares for you. They never worry about the exam. If anything did go wrong, they know you’d fight for them.”
“Good.”
“Now why don’t you tell me what else happened with Will? I’ve rarely seen you like this, and it isn’t because you feel bad about temporarily abandoning the boys.”
There was no reason for the nerves gathering in his stomach. Kaleana knew everything about him. That was precisely the problem. She would see what he’d never be able to say. With anyone else, he’d be able to keep himself composed, in control of the information. With Kaleana, he was rarely in control.
“Something in me snapped. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I told him I wanted him to beat me. I even gave him my belt to do it.” His eyes wandered to the belt that still lay on the floor.
“You lost control?” The surprise in Kaleana’s voice brought his gaze back to her.
“No. I was in perfect control. I knew exactly what I was doing. I considered it, decided to do it, and then did. Something in me needed him to know, to scare him off so he wouldn’t return.”
“I should have known something like this would happen. On some level, I’ve been expecting it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Your self-destructive streak has been in rare form lately, and he does look so much like Billy.”
“I know. Buying him was a mistake.”
“But when you saw him, you just had to save him.”
“Exactly. I saved him from one fate, but how do I save him from me?” His voice was raw with emotion that he rarely let even Kaleana see.
“You don’t. He’s safe here, Malcolm. You’re not going to let anything happen to him. But you can’t shut yourself off from him because you’re scared. It’s not fair to him or you. You took him on as your responsibility. Now it’s time to live up to it.”
Malcolm nodded. He was in control. Everything about his life was under his command. The situation with Will was no different. “Thanks, Kaleana. You have a way of getting through to me.”
“Years of practice.”
“Would you mind checking on him for me?”
“Not at all. I’d planned to anyway. Hopefully, he’s calmed down enough that I’ll be able to talk to him.”
“Tell him I’m sorry for scaring him. It won’t happen again.”
“Of course. Are you going to be all right?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you let me take care of you tonight?”
“No.”
“Malcolm—”
“No, Kaleana. I’ve been wrong to allow you to do it all these years. This whole situation with Will has driven that point home. Just check on him, please.”
Kaleana nodded and left. Malcolm closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to clear the tension that coiled inside him. When he opened his eyes, he steeled himself for the work in front of him. All he had to do was be better. There were several different parts of his life that he juggled on a regular basis. He had merely taken his eyes off one of them for too long. It was a situation he would rectify immediately.
He stood and looped his belt back into his pants. The Glass Tab he had dropped when Will entered didn’t even have a scratch. The video of the boys taking Will to the beach that he’d been watching sat minimized in the corner. He closed it. No point rehashing the past. All he could do was move forward. His misery was of his own making, and it was up to him to fix it.
A couple of taps on the screen brought up his remote view of the workstation in his office. Information still poured through the hole he had hacked in Geneticist Walken’s system. The line had appeared to run dry yesterday, but a little poking around had uncovered another mountain of data.
The urge to return to his office and work into the night overwhelmed him. It would be so easy to lose himself in the mindlessness. Sitting at his computer, he could forget the resemblance Will bore to Billy, the desire for physical pain that consumed him, and the darkness that lurked in his soul. His work redeemed him. It was the only thing that could.
But he couldn’t lose himself in work. Not tonight. He needed to sleep. The lure of his office served as a convenient way to avoid having to face Will and the others the next day. That type of behavior was unacceptable. He held himself to a higher standard, or at least he normally did. Somehow, he had lost sight of that since bringing Will into his home.
He resisted the temptation of his Glass Tab long enough to undress and get into bed. The darkness of the room welcomed him, and he lay with eyes wide open, letting the cool blackness surround him. His mind wandered to work, going over facts and figures, plans for the future, cataloguing the numerous responsibilities he had assumed. Any time his eyes closed, Will’s face flashed before him, scared and fiery, fierce in his indignation, slack in his shock. The images fled as soon as his eyes opened, and nothingness flooded in to take their place.
The absence of Will’s face didn’t silence his internal dialogue. It had been wrong to make his problems Will’s. It had been wrong to abandon the other Zeds because he had been unable to deal with his own issues. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Eyes opened or closed, sleep eluded him. He needed something to occupy his mind, to release him from his thoughts and allow lethargy to enter. It didn’t take much fumbling in the dark for his hand to close around the Glass Tab on his nightstand. A few seconds later, the video feed from Will’s room lit the screen. Kaleana was with him. She’d make everything better. She always did.
The sight of her
with Will comforted him. Everything would be all right. He hadn’t failed too badly if Kaleana was still with him. All he needed to do was sleep, and in the morning, he’d be a better man.
10
Ten
The knock on the door startled Will. The sound traveled down and vibrated against his back. Despite repeated decisions to swallow his fear and go give Malcolm exactly what he had asked for, Will hadn’t moved from his sitting position against the door.
The knocking repeated.
“Will? It’s Kaleana. May I come in?”
He didn’t know how he could possibly talk to anyone, especially Kaleana, the Zed he barely knew. There was no doubt that she outranked him. In his experience, an Alpha’s favorite never really asked for anything. He rose and opened the door to see Kaleana’s polite face, calm and concerned. He didn’t know what she wanted or what to say, so he sat on the edge of his bed.
Kaleana stood in the doorway for a moment before entering and closing the door behind her. The bed shifted under Will as she sat next to him. He kept his eyes resolutely on the floor. Did she know about Malcolm? Could she see that Will wanted to beat him? He didn’t want her to see anything. The swirl of feelings inside his gut disgusted him. Cowardice prevented him from giving in to his desire. Quick on its heels was self-hatred for that cowardice. Then there was the hatred for Malcolm. He didn’t know exactly what he hated him for the most.
“He’s insufferable.” Kaleana’s voice broke the silence.
Was she baiting him?
“You’re not the first one to discover it, and you won’t be the last.”
Will finally moved his gaze to her face. “He’s asked the others to hit him?”
A momentary flicker of confusion flitted across her face and then cleared. “Oh, not that. I meant his insufferableness. No, he’s never revealed that part of himself to any of the other Zeds besides me.”
“So is it true? Or is this all just some elaborate trap? An amusing game for him?”
Kaleana placed a hand on his knee. Will’s first reaction was to shake it off, but he didn’t think that would be wise. “What do you mean? How could any of this be amusing?”
“You know, get the poor Zed used to this kind of life and then bait him into throwing it all away. I fucking hate these kinds of Alphas. If he wants to get rid of me, just do it. If he wants to punish me or beat me, just do it, but don’t dress it up as some sick, perverted game.”
“Oh, Will. No. I promise you, nothing could be further from the truth. You’re in no danger here. Malcolm would never do something like that.” Her hand tightened on his knee.
Will’s mind tripped over her words. He didn’t know what to believe anymore. Despite his horror at Malcolm’s game being revealed, it at least made sense. It provided a frame to explain the craziness of life since Malcolm had purchased him. It was difficult to give that up and believe what Kaleana said.
“I don’t understand, Kaleana.”
“I know. It’s always difficult and confusing for new Zeds when they come here. Unfortunately, as much as Malcolm cares, he’ll never be able to understand it. I think he knows that. It’s why he doesn’t pretend like he does.”
Will nodded. He wasn’t sure he could believe anything Kaleana said about Malcolm, but he wanted to. He wanted truth.
“What are you thinking, Will?”
“I don’t know. I’m thinking that, at least at Emporium, I knew what was coming and had prepared for it.” Will looked at Kaleana when she didn’t say anything. Sadness lingered behind her composed expression. “I’m grateful, Kaleana. I am. I know I shouldn’t say stuff like that, but it’s what I’m thinking.”
“I appreciate your honesty.”
“When I step back, I like it here. It’s nice being around other freaks, and I get along well with them. In every way that matters, this is where I need to be. But I can’t help not trusting it. Then for Malcolm to do that? To put a belt in my hand and tell me to beat him? What am I supposed to think?”
“He told me to tell you he’s sorry, and it won’t happen again. He’ll torture himself with this for quite a while.”
“Then why do it? If he hasn’t done this with any of the others, then why me?”
“That’s a complicated question that only he can answer. All I can tell you is that he’s a good man, Will. A good man who’s holding on to a lot of secrets. Try not to judge him based on a moment of weakness.”
They sat in silence. Will didn’t know what to say or think or do. Kaleana was Malcolm’s favorite. She had always been kind, but she wasn’t like the rest of them. He couldn’t speak to her the way he could the others.
“Is there anything you need?”
Will shook his head.
“All right. Get some sleep.”
When she got to the door, she paused before opening it. “And Will?” He raised his head to meet her gaze. “Thank you. It was brave what you did, and I think it worked. At least more than all my nagging has.”
He didn’t have a chance to react before she shut the door behind her.
11
Eleven
As he walked with Kaleana to breakfast, Malcolm pushed all thoughts of Will from his mind. He wasn’t doing this for him. That thought panged him with guilt. He should be doing it for Will as much as the others, but if he thought too much about facing Will, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Staying away would only increase the awkwardness between them. As the Alpha, it was his responsibility to be the one to improve matters.
The chatter momentarily halted as soon as he entered the dining room, and all eyes turned to him. He released the breath he’d been holding. Nothing but friendly, smiling faces greeted him. Except for one.
“M-M-M-Malcolm!” Stu leapt up and catapulted himself at Malcolm. The smile lighting Stu’s face delighted him. He shouldn’t have stayed away so long. Stu crashed into him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
Malcolm lifted his hand to cup Stu’s blond head and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. It had been foolish to think he wouldn’t be missed when these boys needed the sense of security he brought them.
“It’s good to see you, Malcolm. We’ve missed you. I worry you’re working yourself too hard.” Tony’s concerned brown eyes bore into Malcolm’s, as if he could see past the calm exterior.
“I’m fine. You shouldn’t worry yourself over me.”
“That’s one order you’ll never get me to follow, and you know it.”
Malcolm appreciated the concern, even if it did bother him that Tony gave any thought to it. There was no reason to worry about him. He wasn’t the one trying to live partially paralyzed from a stroke.
Over Stu’s head, he caught Carson’s eyes, noting the approval in them. Malcolm didn’t doubt that he had been a disappointment the last little while. He nodded in reply. He’d be better. Next to Carson sat Will, but Malcolm only glanced at him long enough to recognize the loathing on his face.
“Go sit, Stu. Let’s eat.” Malcolm took his place at the head of table.
“I knew you couldn’t stay away for long. We’re the only exciting part of your life. Probably heard about all the fun we had yesterday and just had to join us.” Nick practically bounced in his seat. Malcolm had never experienced that kind of energy. He could work for days on end with hardly any sleep, but the kind of enthusiasm that suffused Nick was foreign to him. How a man could retain such an exuberance for life after losing his hand, Malcolm would never know.
“Yes, that you are. My life is exceedingly dull without all of you.” Not for the first time, he wondered what they all would think if they knew how he filled his days.
Nick took it upon himself to tell Malcolm everything they’d been up to in his absence. Malcolm was content to listen, trying to remember to nod at appropriate places.
“Good grief, Nick. Don’t ya ever tire of talkin’? That mouth of yours must get sore from all the flappin’ it does. Sometimes I wonder if Stu’s stutter isn’t a result of tryin’ t
o get a word in. You jabber on enough for the both of ya.”
“Aww, Carson, you know the silence would drive you crazy if I ever stopped. Besides, that’s why Malcolm finally decided to join us. He missed my voice. Isn’t that right?”
“I like listening to you talk. Carson’s just gotten cranky in his old age.”
Nick laughed, and Carson slapped him upside the head. “Man can’t get no respect around here.”
“You’ve earned your crankiness, Carson. Shall I build you a nice, soundproof room?”
“Nah, the boy’s right. I’d likely go mad or rush out every few minutes to make sure he’s not dead.”
Malcolm felt the corners of his mouth rise slightly. Kaleana often told him that he wore a perpetual frown. He never noticed until his boys lifted his mood.
He had missed this, sharing a meal, listening to the boys’ banter. It mystified him that they had even noticed his absence. He rarely spoke. It was much too entertaining to listen to the others. Besides, what could he possibly say to them? Work consumed his life, and it was one topic he couldn’t afford to discuss with them. He tried to convince himself it was for their security, but he also couldn’t help believing that they would withdraw their love if they knew what went on across the divide. He couldn’t risk losing the only good part of his life.
Will had been right. It didn’t take any longer to eat with the boys than it did to eat alone. Not really. And it was infinitely more enjoyable. “It’s time for me to get back to work.”
Nick and Stu groaned.
“I’ll see you later. I promise.” Malcolm stood, and the others followed. “Will, I’d like a minute.”
The others left them alone, smiling at Malcolm as they passed. Apprehension filled Will’s eyes even as he stood straighter, jutting his chin slightly in the air. Malcolm recognized Will’s anger. He even admired him for it. Most Zeds had the fire stamped out of them by Will’s age. He only wished that fire could be put into something more productive. This was supposed to be a place where Will could release that anger, let it go, and find peace. Malcolm had disrupted that process, maybe even irrevocably reversed it. Guilt weighed on him.
[In Distress 01.0] In Distress Page 7