Such a simple promise. Malcolm wondered if Will could possibly understand what it entailed.
He let the warmth from the beating overtake him, carry him to a blissful place where none of this mattered. The high would crash, and tomorrow he’d crave it again, probably stronger than before if he knew himself. Would it really be so bad to talk to Will? He didn’t need to tell him everything. He hadn’t even asked for it. All he needed to do was make him understand. He could do at least that much. He owed it to Will.
As he floated away, he knew he owed it to himself as well.
20
Twenty
For the hundredth time that day, Will wondered if he had done the right thing. What right did he have to Malcolm’s secrets? None. It was unreasonable of him to demand anything. In fact, knowing how badly Malcolm wanted what Will could give him and how high he had let his hopes soar, it was cruel.
No. Will only wanted the best for Malcolm. Seeing the way he craved the pain, the way he couldn’t be trusted to keep himself safe during a beating, Will had to be the one to take control. It was up to him to keep them both safe. If he didn’t, Will feared Malcolm would let him beat him to death. He hoped Malcolm understood that he wasn’t making these demands of him to exert control. He was doing it so he could serve him. For the first time in his life, he had an Alpha worth serving.
A part of him that lurked much closer to the surface than he would like itched to hurt an Alpha. Will knew he could control it. Malcolm wasn’t merely an Alpha to him. If he kept that firmly in mind, he’d be able to do his job and keep himself restrained, but he could only do that if Malcolm was open with him. Besides, he needed this almost as much as Malcolm. As much as he loved his new life at the compound, he needed a purpose, to feel useful. This was something he could do. More than ever, he wondered how most Alphas could lie around all day chasing pleasure. There had to be more to life.
“It’s time to go to dinner.” Syrus spoke from his chair near the library windows. “And don’t even act like you were reading. You’ve been thinking all day.”
“Yeah, how would you know?”
“You were distracted during breakfast and lunch. Barely said a word. Now, we both know you’ll never be as chatty as Nick, but you usually don’t make me rely on the sound of you chewing to know you’re alive. What’s eating at you?”
Malcolm hadn’t been at any meals with them today. Logically, he knew Malcolm wouldn’t want to sit in front of them after last night, but Will couldn’t help thinking there was more to it than that.
“It’s nothing.”
“You can tell me it’s none of my business.”
“It’s not that. It doesn’t involve just me, so I wouldn’t feel right talking about it.”
“Ah, so it’s to do with Malcolm.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t need to. He’s been different since he brought you home from Emporium. Something’s brewing there. For what it’s worth, I think you’re good for him. Whatever it is that’s going on, it’s been a long time coming. Just remember that he’s a good man, and so are you. Don’t forget those two things, and I think it will work out fine.”
“Thanks.”
“Now, I can keep rambling on, or you can walk with me to dinner.”
Will took Syrus’s arm and they left the comfortable, quiet confines of the library. Halfway to the dining room, his tab dinged.
“You’d better take a look. It could be what you’re waiting for.”
“How do you know it’s him?”
“Who else would be messaging you when they could just as easily tell you whatever it is in a minute or two at dinner?”
Will wondered whether Syrus’s mind was so quick because he was blind or if he’d always been that way. He pulled the tab from his pocket.
“I’m ready. You may come to my room after dinner.”
Will stopped walking. He hadn’t expected something so soon, even though he had hoped for it. Nerves suddenly consumed him. This was it.
“Is it good news?”
“Yes, incredibly good.”
“We missed you at dinner.” Will hadn’t even bothered going to the lounge. He worried that if he waited too long, Malcolm would change his mind.
“I should have gone, but it wouldn’t have been fair to the others for me to leave right afterward.” Malcolm sat in the same chair as the other night, wearing one of his usual black suits. Will wondered if he’d really spent the day working.
“You’re the only one who places such demands on yourself. We understand you’re busy.”
“You shouldn’t have to be understanding. Which brings me to why I messaged you. Have a seat.”
Will took the chair opposite Malcolm and smirked to himself. He’d be willing to bet Malcolm had seated himself before Will entered in order to hide any grimace or hint of pain. How a man who would go to that trouble to maintain his distance would open up to him, Will didn’t know.
“You’ve done everything I’ve asked, even when I shouldn’t have asked it of you. You’ve earned a bit in return.”
Will shook his head. “Don’t tell me whatever it is because you think it’s my due or you owe it to me. Tell me only if you want to.”
Malcolm nodded and took a deep breath. The gesture humanized him in a way. Whatever he was about to say, Will felt confident it would be the truth.
“You’re the spitting image of a Zed I owned when I was a boy.”
Will furrowed his brow but held back his questions. Malcolm had never been a man to use more words than needed. All Will had to do was listen.
“That’s really the root of this situation I’ve placed us in. His name was Billy. When I was sixteen, we began something of a relationship. He beat me on my orders, he fucked me on my orders, and he was killed on my father’s orders for obeying.”
The breath left Will’s body. Shit, that would fuck with anyone’s head. Malcolm’s expression was as calm as ever. He could have been speaking about the weather for all it showed. Was that what Malcolm carried around with him every day? Realization dawned. “Is that why you seek out the pain? To atone?”
The silence spoke louder than any words could, but Will needed the words.
“Answer me. I need the truth.”
“Yes, ever since I saw you at Emporium.”
“Shit. Malcolm, it wasn’t your fault. You were a kid.” Will sprang to the edge of his seat, willing Malcolm to believe him. If their relationship were different, he’d grab him by the shoulders and give him a good shake. He hadn’t completely ruled that possibility out.
“If I hadn’t made him do those things, he’d still be alive. So whose fault is it?”
Anger shot Will to his feet. “Your prick of a father. Sometimes I think those eyes of yours have blinded you to the world. Do you really think it was wrong of you to ask those things of Billy? Let’s see, when I was sixteen I was ordered to take one of my Alpha’s father’s new Zeds dry or I’d be beaten and then taken dry myself. Then there was the time I was ordered to crawl around on all fours for a couple of days like a dog and beg for food. Speaking of food—was I sixteen when that happened? Yeah, ’cause it was with Russell, and I was sold when I was seventeen—Russell used to like to withhold food and then make us beg for a beating in order to be fed. So that’s what it was like for me when I was sixteen, and Russell wasn’t even that bad. He just had a thing about food. I swear he’s the only chubby Alpha I’ve ever seen.”
“Will, I’m so sorry. You should never have had to go through those things. And here I’ve put you right back into that dark world.” There it was, the emotion Will had been seeking in Malcolm’s face, and it wasn’t even for himself—it was for a Zed he had not only saved but endangered himself for. The man was a heartbreaking paradox.
It was too much. Will laughed. He couldn’t help it. He tried to hold it in, but it burst forth. “Seriously? My point is that if you hadn’t asked those things of Billy, someone else would have ordered him
to do worse at great pain to himself. And remember, we were some of the lucky ones because someone thought we were pretty enough to serve as companions instead of being put to hard labor right from the start.”
“It doesn’t matter what other Alphas do. Someone else’s cruelty doesn’t absolve me of mine. Part of being an Alpha is taking responsibility for your actions, and this was no different. My father made me watch. I’ll never be able to silence Billy’s screams. It was my name he called, me he looked to for help. My father did an excellent job of teaching me that I’m ultimately powerless. All because I’d been high on Alpha control of Zeds. I couldn’t resist exerting my power over Billy, and he’s the one who paid for it.”
Will shook his head, not daring to speak until he reined in some of his anger. It was nice to have a new target. He no longer cared about vengeance on Alphas, he’d settle for Malcolm’s father. Will hadn’t known Malcolm for very long, but there wasn’t a sliver of doubt in his mind that Malcolm had never been an abusive Alpha. It wasn’t in his nature. Some of his protectiveness might have been born from this experience, but not all of it. If he’d been a different person, he would have gotten a kick from seeing his first Zed killed. Will had known Alphas who considered it a rite of passage.
“I understand if you don’t want to proceed with this arrangement. I release you from any obligation you may feel.”
“Don’t. Just stop and let me think for a minute.” Will couldn’t imagine it, but he had to try. He wouldn’t shut his eyes to the pain that Malcolm lived with on a daily basis. It was probably so ingrained in him now that he didn’t even know what it was like to be free of it. This was a completely different situation than the one Will thought he had been getting himself into. He had no desire to abdicate responsibility. He only needed to reassess how he would move forward. He couldn’t beat Malcolm again until he had a better grasp on what was going through his head. That wasn’t going to happen tonight. He had at least until the marks faded anyway. However, he couldn’t simply turn and walk away, leaving Malcolm to handle his problems alone.
The urge to take Malcolm’s head in his hands and force him to understand that he wasn’t the man he thought he was overwhelmed him. There weren’t words to communicate with Malcolm. Will needed to communicate in some other way, but he didn’t know how.
Will grabbed his chair and placed it directly in front of Malcolm. He took both of Malcolm’s hands in his and locked eyes. “I’m here because I want to be. You are not an obligation. What happened to you was wrong.”
“Nothing happened to me.”
“Yes, Malcolm, it did. The fact that you don’t realize that scares me.” The longer this knowledge lived in Will’s head, the more it amazed him. So many things about Malcolm finally made sense. No wonder he kept his distance from everyone. “There’s not a chance I’m leaving you tonight.”
Malcolm’s face was as inscrutable as ever. Will thought he saw a myriad of emotions, but how could he untangle them? Before him was a man who needed help, but Will didn’t even know if he realized that. After what felt like several minutes of searching for some indication of what to do, Malcolm’s hands returned Will’s grip. It was small. It could be interpreted a dozen different ways. Will took it as a man taking hold of the only lifeline presented to him. Protectiveness and affection overcame him. Before he could talk himself out of it, he swiftly leaned forward and took Malcolm’s lips in his.
The action seemed natural, right. Will didn’t have much experience with kisses, and he had none when it came to expressing genuine concern and affection. The only people he’d ever kissed had been other Zeds, strictly as entertainment for an Alpha.
Malcolm’s lips were still beneath his. No. Will nibbled on Malcolm’s lips, trying to encourage some type of response. Malcolm remained still. Frustrated, Will deepened his kiss. He wouldn’t let Malcolm get away with pretending he didn’t feel anything. A sense of kinship unlike anything Will’d ever felt before overcame him. Maybe it was the unexpectedness of the injustice done to Malcolm or the weird unfairness of it in a world where Zeds should expect such treatment but never Alphas. Or maybe it was simply that Will had taken upon himself the care of this man who had done so much for him and desperately needed his help.
Finally, Malcolm’s lips parted, and Will felt the first bit of passion he’d witnessed from him. The kiss was soft, and Malcolm remained mainly passive, but Will could sense he wanted what was on offer, if only he’d allow himself the comfort.
When Will pulled back, Malcolm’s eyes remained closed. Will supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. Malcolm would guard himself. The risk must be too great in his mind that Will would leave him. After all, the last man he’d let care for him had ended up dead. That would scare anyone away from affection.
Will kept hold of Malcolm’s hands, not speaking or moving. He could wait. In the meantime, he enjoyed simply looking at Malcolm. Despite the Alpha tendency toward a more light tan hue, Malcolm had fairer skin. Will liked the way it contrasted with his black hair, hair that would probably feel luxurious and thick if Will ever had the chance to run his hands through it. So much nicer than his own fine, brown sticks. Long, thick eyelashes rested on Malcolm’s cheeks. When those eyelashes rose, they drew attention to the one glaring imperfection of Malcolm’s body.
Clear, cool blue and almost translucent amber looked at him, filled with an uncertainty that had never clouded them before. Will smiled and squeezed Malcolm’s hands. “That was nice.”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Will’s grip tightened. It would be so easy to try to shake some sense into Malcolm, but Will doubted it would work. He didn’t know what would. All he knew was that he had to try something. Every fiber of his being knew what he wanted to do. “Let me serve you. Please. I can’t beat you again right now—not so soon—but I can take care of you in other ways.”
“No.”
“Why? When was the last time you even had sex? I know you haven’t with any of the other Zeds here. You can’t keep distancing yourself from everything and everyone.”
“I’m fine, Will.”
“Bullshit. You live in a house full of malformed Zeds, and you’re the one in the most pain. It isn’t right.”
“This has gone far enough. Thank you for your concern, but it is entirely unnecessary. I’d like to be alone now, if you don’t mind.”
“I do mind. Just because you’ve discovered that someone can care about you even knowing what happened to you—disrupting whatever complex you have—doesn’t mean I need to leave. This hasn’t gone far enough. If it had, you wouldn’t insult me by dismissing me.”
“I don’t need your pity.”
“No, you don’t. But you do need me. I need you to need me.” When it came right down to it, that was the truth. Will needed this as much as Malcolm did. He didn’t wait for an answer. If he did, there was no doubt in his mind that he and Malcolm would still be sitting in this exact position come sunup. Not being ordered away was as much of an answer as Will would get.
Leaning forward, he took Malcolm’s earlobe into his mouth, flicking the soft skin with his tongue. Malcolm sighed in pleasure. Encouraged, Will moved down Malcolm’s neck, placing kisses as he went. The slow pace killed him. He hadn’t had sex with anyone since the accident that crushed his leg. Even though the others saw his leg regularly, and it had been made clear to him that there were offers, something inside himself blocked him from subjecting someone to it in an intimate setting. Masturbating could only do so much. He craved physical contact, even if it was with an Alpha. Something about it being Malcolm made it different, made it comfortable in a way he wouldn’t have imagined even a few minutes ago. For Malcolm’s sake, Will felt he needed to keep the pace slow despite his desire to throw Malcolm onto the bed and relieve his aching cock. Malcolm didn’t deserve that.
Will released Malcolm’s hands and moved to his black shirt, unbuttoning it and kissing the exposed skin. Malcolm didn’t move. The only response Will had to go on was h
is breathing.
“Let’s move to the bed.”
Silently, Malcolm stood, and Will led him by the hand. He pushed the shirt from Malcolm’s shoulders and couldn’t resist running his hands down Malcolm’s sculpted arms and kissing his chest, proceeding down until he reached his pants. He straightened and unfastened Malcolm’s belt, pulling it from the loops. “Maybe next time.” He smirked as he dropped it to the ground. Once he’d removed Malcolm’s pants, he had the first solid evidence of his arousal. The thought of blowing him consumed his mind, but he really wanted to give Malcolm something more. Since he couldn’t beat him, at least he could take him the way he wanted.
“I’m assuming you want me on top.” It wasn’t unheard of, or even particularly unusual, for a male Alpha to order a male Zed to screw him. However, Will didn’t need to ask to know that Malcolm preferred men to the exclusion of women. In a world that revolved around an Alpha’s ability to procreate, that was an offense to the very fabric of society. It was hard enough for Alphas to successfully breed. Not even trying while seeking out male companionship verged on treasonous.
“If you don’t mind.”
Of course. “No, I like it that way, but I wasn’t going to presume anything. Where’s the lube?”
“In the drawer by the bed.”
Will retrieved it and applied it liberally. It’d been a long time since he’d topped, and he didn’t want to hurt Malcolm. The painful memories of dry fucks at the hands of Alphas made him fanatical about lube. Malcolm was lying on his back waiting for him. Will put a little more lube on his fingers and put it away.
“Tell me if I hurt you.” Will didn’t even know why he said it. He didn’t really think Malcolm would listen.
Malcolm’s knees were up, open, inviting, sending an ache into Will’s cock. He didn’t think this would last very long. He leaned down and kissed Malcolm’s chest, licking his nipples. As Malcolm responded, arching up, pressing his hot cock to Will’s stomach, Will entered him with a lubed finger.
[In Distress 01.0] In Distress Page 15