by Ryssa Foust
“My friend Jenna is also going to be filling out grad applications soon, you guys should bounce ideas off of each other.”
Looking disappointed but taking her cue Brad nodded, “
Yeah sure, that would be good. Do you have her number?”
Feeling relieved Sasha quickly scribbled out Jenna’s number on his notebook before looking at her watch,
“I have to get going but I’ll catch you later.”
With a quick wave she hurried out of the cafeteria and back to her duties.
That night Sasha had a moment of deep soul searching after which she realized that her life experiences had changed her forever. She had matured faster than most people her age and she could no longer find satisfaction in dating people who were not on the same wavelength as she was. In that moment Sasha came to the realization that Julian was the person she wanted to be with. Even with his problems he was more real and more normal than any of the guys she had ever dated.
She unlocked her phone deciding to send him a text when it suddenly occurred to her that he hadn't returned any of her previous calls or text message. Is he upset with me or is it something more serious? She wondered out loud. At the risk of looking overly desperate she called him but it went straight to voicemail. Knowing that sending a text would be useless if his phone was turned off Sasha thought hard about her options. She finally decided to message one of his friends just to make sure he was okay.
Logging into Facebook she looked up David Gregory, Julian had mentioned him a few times and she knew that he was his closest friend. Hoping that she didn't sound too stalker like she shot him a quick message.
“Hey, my name is Sasha, I’m a friend of Julian’s and I’ve been trying to reach him for the last few days without any success. I was wondering if you knew where I could reach him. It’s for school stuff. Thanks a lot, Sasha.”
Once the message was sent she started to browse the net reading up on celebrity gossip to pass the time hoping that he would he wouldn’t take too long to get back to her and that when he did he would have some concrete information.
She received a response within ten minutes & her heart sank as she read David's response:
“Hi Sasha, thanks for your message. Julian’s told me a lot about you. I wish I had better news but he’s actually in the hospital right now, the Florida Memorial. I don’t know if you want to go see him or anything, if there’s anything I can do for you let me know. David”
Chapter Seven
Without thinking twice Sasha pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as she grabbed her keys. On the way out of the apartment she called out to Jenna,
“Hey Jen, I’m just going out for a bit, don’t wait up.” Once she was at the hospital she was ushered up to the psych ward by the receptionist. The nurse on the psych ward initially refused to divulge any information until Sasha told them that she was his girlfriend.
The nurse on duty looked at her watch and reluctantly agreed to grant her five minutes with Julian. Grateful for whatever she could get Sasha followed the nurse down a long, stark hallway and into a room where Julian was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. The sight was so similar to when Josh was in the hospital that Sasha had to shake her head and remind herself that this was Julian not Josh.
Making sure to not startle him she said in a soft voice,
“Julian?”
Julian turned his head at the sound of her voice and his face registered both shock and surprise. “Sasha!” he exclaimed in a broken voice.
Satisfied that Sasha was indeed known to Julian the nurse left.
“Hey,” she said softly unsure of what she should do next.
“Come sit next to me?” he asked her.
She did as he asked and sat on the edge of the white bed. “David told me you were in the hospital.” She explained.
“Yeah, they changed my medication and I guess it didn’t sit well with me so here I am.” He said sounding apologetic. “I’m sorry for not calling you after our last date, again.”
“Is the medication all that’s wrong?”
“No,” he admitted slowly, “I’ve been feeling depressed too about love, relationships and just stuff.”
“What about relationships?”
“I’ve never been able to be in a real relationship and that sucks a lot and when I finally find someone amazing like you I know it won’t last. The minute people know the truth about me they run for the hills.”
“I’m here.” She reminded him gently.
“Yeah for now.” He responded bitterly.
The bitterness of his voice brought back vivid flashbacks from Sasha’s past and she had a sense of déjà vu of being in a similar situation with Josh. With a great deal of effort she pushed those memories aside and tried to focus on Julian. She talked to him soothingly and tried to get through to him. She had no idea if it was helping or not even though he seemed a lot calmer by the time her visit came to an end.
By the time, the nurse came again with a reminder that she had already passed her five minutes by twenty minutes. Sasha was secretly grateful. She felt extremely drained and overwhelmed and she decided that she needed to be honest with Julian.
Chapter Eight
“Julian, I care about you so much and your words mean a lot to me. More than I can express to you but it’s a lot to take in. There are parts of me that are still very raw from Josh’s suicide. So I just need some time to think things through. I know you’re scared but so am I. I want to make sure that when I agree to commit to this and to you it’s a real commitment. Can you give me that time?”
“Of course Sasha, I just want you to be happy.”
She stayed at his side until he fell asleep. As she left the hospital Sasha realized the one thing she wanted more than anything was her mother and a nice home cooked meal. If anyone could make her feel better about everything it was her mom. So instead of heading back to her apartment she did a quick detour and arrived at her mom’s place.
Her mom took one look at her face and reached out to wrap her in a big hug.
“What’s wrong honey?” she said as she kissed her forehead.
“Everything mom.”Sasha sighed and hugged her mother for a long time, “Is it okay if I spend the night here tonight?”
“What a question! Of course it is, it’s still your bedroom you know. Now come into the kitchen, you’re just in time my pot roast is almost done.”
Inhaling the delicious smell of supper Sasha sank into a chair at the dining room table.
“Supper sounds wonderful.”
Her mother quickly set the table for supper and then sat down next to Sasha giving her undivided attention. “Talk to me honey.”
So Sasha did, she started at the very beginning and told her mother all of it starting from the speech in the class to her visit to the hospital and everything in between.
“And now I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes when I’m with him I have these flashbacks to what it was like with Josh and I’m not sure that I can go through that again.”
Her mother patted her hand lovingly and said softly,
“From what you’re telling me I don’t think the two situations are comparable. Josh had a lot of problems love and he was at a point where he was beyond help, at least he thought so anyways. But Julian sounds like he knows he has a problem and he’s doing everything he can to help himself and take responsibility for himself. That shows strength of character and courage don’t you think?”
“I guess I hadn’t really thought about it like that.”
“Don’t let your experience with Josh cloud your judgement going forward, that’s not to say you should forget about it but not every situation will be the same.”
“I guess.” Sasha repeated.
“That’s not to say that it won’t be hard. But what relationship isn’t? Nobody is perfect but if both people are willing to pitch in and work at a relationship there’s no reason why it can’t survive.”
“Sounds like y
ou’re telling me to give it a go.”
“Only if you really like him, if you do give it a chance. You owe it to yourself to see it through good or bad. And if you don’t like him just pitch him!”
Sasha giggled at that and then her eyes darkened with pain again.
“Do you think of him often Mom?”
“Every day.” She whispered. Tears welled up in both their eyes as they remembered the wonderful young man they had both loved so fiercely. Over dessert and coffee they continued to reminisce about Josh and their life together when they were children. When Sasha found herself dozing over her cup of coffee her mother sent her packing to bed.
The next morning when she awoke she felt refreshed with a renewed sense of confidence and clarity.
When she got to the kitchen, her mother was heaping delicious, golden waffles on a plate for her. Over breakfast they talked some more about Julian and Josh and life. Halfway through breakfast her conversation with her mother was interrupted by an incoming text message. Looking down she saw it was a message from Julian:
“Hi Sasha, I just needed to say goodbye to you. I’m dropping out of school because I feel that’s the right path for me now. Thank you for everything you have done for me, I will never forget it or you.”
Sasha’s eyes widened in disbelief as she read the message,
“This is freaking unbelievable!”
“What’s wrong?” her mother asked surprised at the violence in her daughter’s voice.
“Remember how you said it would be hard?”
Her mother nodded.
“Well it just got hard, Mom I’m sorry to be cutting this short but I have to go and take care of something.”
Her mother patted her hand sympathetically,
“I understand dear, go do what you have to do, I’m here if you need anything.”
Sasha gave her mom a quick hug,
“Thanks Mom, I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Chapter Nine
Thankfully it didn’t take long to get to Julian’s apartment, please still be there she prayed under her breath. Her knock was answered within moments by a guy she assumed was Julian’s roommate.
“Is Julian here?”
With a grunt the guy pointed to a door down the hall and disappeared into the kitchen.
Well then, Sasha thought as she headed down the hall and towards the door he had pointed, she passed the living room where another guy was sitting on the couch playing video games. He glanced up at her briefly before going back to his game.
Sasha knocked softly on Julian’s bedroom door, when he opened it he looked stunned to see her standing there.
“Sasha!”
“Hey, I thought I would come see you instead of writing back to you.”
“What an awesome surprise. Please come in.”
The first thing she saw when she was in his room were the two large half packed suitcases on his bed, she looked around his room to find everything in a disarray.
“Going somewhere?” she asked keeping her voice even and light.
“I’m leaving.”
“I can see that.”
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I need to figure out my life Sasha, so I think it would be best for me to just take some time off for myself.”
She didn’t know where her burst of anger came from but she could hardly contain herself as she launched into a long tirade.
“Are you freaking kidding me Julian?! Some time for yourself?! To do what? Throw yourself some more pity parties?”
Julian’s nostrils flared in anger,
“You don’t have the first clue about what it’s like to live in my life as me. You have no idea what having a mental illness is like! I’m tired of hurting the people I care about, I’m tired of the pressures of having to wake up every morning and try to lead a normal life, go to school, socialise and be normal! I just want some time to think about things, is that so bad Sasha?”
“Yes it’s bad Julian because you’re not leaving to think about things. You’re leaving me, you’re leaving behind a bright future and for what? I’ll tell you what you’re doing Julian, you’re running away. You’re running away from your problems because you think that’s the best solution but guess what Julian, your problems? They’re not going away, they’ll continue to follow you around until you actually man up and decide to fix them! Running away, dropping out school, leaving people who love you is not a solution. You’re only ruining your life that way.”
Suddenly she was out of steam and anger.
“Julian,” she said softly, “I’m sorry I’m just crazy about you and I can’t stop thinking about you and how wonderful I feel every time I’m with you. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, the way you touch me, the way your lips move over mine…”
That’s as far as she got before Julian suddenly swept her in his arms and began to kiss her in a frenzy as he dragged her onto his bed with him. Within moments they had undressed each other, their bodies writhing, moving and blending together as one desperately seeking release.
That night Sasha slept deeply cradled lovingly in Julian’s arms, there was no question of her going back to her apartment. Sun light filtering through the open blinds they had forgotten to close the night before woke Sasha up the next morning. Still half asleep she turned on her side looking for the warmth of Julian’s body but he wasn’t lying down. Opening her eyes wider she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, his shoulders hunched down, his head between his hands.
Feeling alarmed she moved closer to him and wordlessly wrapped her body around his, kissing him gently along the neck and shoulders. He twisted around and stared at her with dark, haunted eyes. His smiled at her warily as she continued to kiss him and unable to resist her any longer he kissed her back tenderly, his mouth moving softly over hers. Sasha sank into the kiss, twining her arms around his neck and started to pull him down on the bed but he stiffened and moved away from her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked him softly.
“Sasha, I need to know if you’re serious about everything you said last night.”
Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, Sasha looked at him intently, “Of course I was, do you not believe me?”
“I do believe you but I don’t think you realize how hard this is going to be, I’m worried that it might be too much for you.”
Lovingly cupping his face in her hands, she kissed his eyes and trailed kisses down the length of his nose and his cheeks,
“I’m not under any kind of illusions Julian, I’m sure it will be hard for the both of us but that’s how much I believe in you and in us.”
Touched by her words he embraced her passionately, Sasha moved against him desperate for his touch but she could sense he still had things on his mind that he wanted to discuss.
Her instincts proved correct because he moved out of the embrace and looked at her seriously,
“I can’t promise that it will be an easy ride and that everything will be smooth sailing but I can promise to take care of myself so I can always be the best me for you. I promise to be strong for you because I want to take care of you in the way you deserve to. The last thing I want out of this relationship is for you to always be taking care of me.”
In an effort to lighten the serious mood Sasha teased him, “I promise to not let that happen, I will extremely difficult and demanding.”
“No seriously, it’s so important for me to be able to take care of the people I love.”
“Was that an I love you I just heard? Hmmmm?”
Julian grinned at her, “I guess it was.”
“Well then I love you too. A lot and as my first demanding command I insist that you make me breakfast, I’m ravenously hungry.”
“I don’t know how to make breakfast.”
“The guy who put together such an amazing picnic lunch doesn’t know how to make breakfast?”
Suddenly looking a little shamefaced Julian cleared his t
hroat,
“Ummm I have a confession.”
“Confessions already?”
“I didn’t actually make that picnic lunch, I bought it. The truth is I don’t really know how to cook.”
Sasha burst out laughing,
“Oh thank god! Because I would hate being with someone who cooked better than me!”
“So you’re a good cook then?” Julian asked her his tone hopeful.
“Nope, I can barely boil water.”
“Well shall we try making something together then?”
“How about pancakes? Everyone knows how to make pancakes, how hard can they be?”
Nodding his head gravely Julian said,
“Only if they’re banana chocolate chip pancakes.”
“Done!” Sasha said as she eagerly jumped out of bed and put on one of Julian’s extra large sweatshirts, which came down to her knees.
They tiptoed out into the kitchen thankfully Julian’s roommates were either fast asleep or out somewhere because the apartment was completely silent.
“Do you have a box of pancake mix?” Sasha asked Julian in a loud whisper.
He shook his head.
“Darn, I guess we’ll have to make it from scratch.” Sasha said as she swiped open her phone and started to Google a pancake recipe.
Following the recipe she carefully mixed the batter together and proudly showed it to Julian who had managed to find a griddle pan from one of the cabinets.