MisStaked

by J. Morgan

  "No, thanks to you, missy,” Stud grumbled. “Your stuff is still over there. Breathred refused to let me pack it."

  "Why not?” She turned to Breathred. It seemed kind of shitty of him to make her pack all the stuff by herself.

  "Because he was trying on your, you know, underthingies. And prancing around the room singing I feel pretty, oh so pretty,” Breathred said, blushing again.

  Luna burst out laughing. She didn't know whether to be mad or what. The image of Stud in her thongs was enough to make her forgive the whole matter. Until she was sure which of her things he had put on, the best thing to do was to wash the whole lot of them. She didn't want monkey cooties, after all.

  "Stud, how could you? None of my clothes go with your skin color. If you must wear such things, we'll take you to Victoria's Secret and get you some of your own,” Luna said, fighting back another wave of laughter at the look on his little chimp face. Who knew you could question a chimpanzee's manhood?

  "I think not!” Stud exclaimed. “Can't a guy make a joke without everyone jumping to the wrong conclusions? I think I'm going to see R.J. At least he has a sense of humor."

  They watched him storm off. It was only after he slammed the basement door they felt it safe to break down. Their laughter echoed through the room. Breathred fell to the couch in tears. Luna plopped down beside him, her own laughter almost drowning out his.

  It took several minutes for it to finally die down. Breathred wiped his wet face. He needed that. It had been a long time, since he had been able to laugh so freely. Breathred owed it all to Luna. She was opening parts of him he never knew existed. How was a woman able to do that? How could Luna make someone whole who didn't even know he wasn't?

  He looked over at her. His face hadn't made a quarter turn when it met hers. Breathred was kissing her before he knew what he was doing. Her soft lips pressed into his. He could have stopped it, but he didn't. It was too nice to stop.

  Luna was the first to pull away. Breathred felt the emptiness keenly as soon as her lips left his. The feeling was almost too much for him to bear. The loss of her warmth ‘caused his eyes to fly open. The look of shock playing across her face stabbed him to his very soul.

  "Luna, I didn't mean to.” Shame choked his words.

  "I'm glad you did,” she answered, breathlessly.

  "Me too.” He lowered his head, blushed and asked. “Is it always supposed to feel like so good?"

  "Only when it's with me,” she said, stroking his cheek. Even as Luna said it, Breathred hoped it was true. Without her doing the kissing, he just knew it would never be so good.

  "I thought so, but I wanted you to tell me, so I could be sure,” Breathred said softly.

  "Now before you ravish me again, let's get my stuff packed. We have to get up early in the morning,” Luna said, as she rose from the couch.

  Breathred watched her stand on wobbly legs. He would have joined her, but for some reason his legs refused to move. He doubted kissing could ‘cause paralysis but no other explanation seemed plausible. The fact his naughty bits seemed more active than his legs worried him as well. What if it stayed uh ... in that condition? Breathred wasn't sure if he could walk with it doing that. There could be a chance of permanent damage if he even tried to move. The best thing to do was sit here and act stupid. It worked for everything else.

  Out of sight, Stud closed the door. He had only had it open a crack, but it was enough to let him watch his two lovebirds. If Stud were a hopeless romantic, he would need a tissue after watching that. The whole thing was so Julia Roberts meets Richard Gere in hurt. Thankfully, he was a hardcore he-monkey, so he just used his shirtsleeve.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Nineteen

  There are no field trips in this course, but if there were, you'd better believe they'd cost an arm and a leg.

  They were traveling in three aging mini vans. That was the first thing Breathred noticed when his father dropped the three of them off. A giddy thrill shot through him. They were going in style. A huge U-haul sat parked off to one side of the parking lot. Several students were packing it with equipment and whatever luggage wouldn't fit in the vans’ overhead racks.

  Breathred wondered how hard it would be to get to ride in the U-haul. Man, that'd be even cooler than riding in a mini van. It would almost be like being in Smokey and the Bandit. He'd let Stud be Fred, and Luna could be Frog. Luna was even cuter than Sally Field in Breathred's book. It would be so cool.

  His hopes were dashed when Dr. Grayson motioned for them to join her beside the first van. Life just wasn't fair. He bet old Truehart got to ride in the big rig. Well, let him. Breathred would just call shotgun in the van. Shotgun was better than riding in the stinky old U-haul anyway. That way you got to control the radio.

  "Breathred, Luna, over here,” Dr. Grayson called.

  Luna waved back, and took off across the wet asphalt. Breathred shrugged and followed her. He looked over to find Stud snoring atop their pile of bags and suitcases. The chimpanzee would be all right there for a few minutes. After all, how much trouble could a sleeping chimp get in? Quite a bit, if his name happened to be Stud. He would have to risk it. Besides with Stud out of the way he would have a clear run at the shotgun seat. Stud was a front seat hog.

  By the time he caught up to Luna, she and Dr. Grayson were deep in conversation. Breathred hung outside their circle, unwilling to intrude. To tell the truth he was afraid of what he might overhear. Women had peculiar topics of conversation. You never knew what they might be talking about. Some of it was right unfit for male consumption.

  "Oh, Breathred, why don't you come here? This affects you as well,” Dr. Grayson said, breaking away from Luna.

  "I didn't want to interrupt,” Breathred said, sheepishly.

  "Don't be silly. We don't have time for you to be shy. We have a deadline to keep. You and Luna will be riding in the lead van with me.” She pointed behind her.

  "What about Stud?” Breathred asked. He didn't like the thought of leaving the chimp alone for a prolonged trip. He shuddered to think of all the mischief that could be done in for the time it'd take to get to the dig. There were international treaties to take into consideration.

  Grayson rubbed her temples. “Oh, he'll be riding with us. I wouldn't dream of letting him out of my sight."

  "So, is everybody here?” Luna asked.

  "Well, there's been a change of plans. A couple of our team members will be flying up later with the rest of our more sensitive equipment. Apparently, my request for a secure carrier was lost in the shuffle.” Dr. Grayson frowned. “So, Drs. Truehart and Easily will be accompanying it on a plane chartered by Mr. Chambris Portus."

  "Will Mr. Chambris Portus be coming along then?” Breathred asked, not liking the sound of Dr. Grayson's news. It was just a little too convenient.

  "Not on the dig itself, but he is flying up with the equipment to make sure everything goes all right. We're lucky to have a man like him funding us."

  Breathred's eye twitched. Seems kind of funny how Jessica had been the one to accompany the equipment, not to mention du Chambris Portus. It was another sign she had sided with the vamps. Breathred hated to think she could do such a thing, but what else could he think? Now, that Breathred thought about it, it wasn't too surprising. He once saw her put ketchup on a brownie. Anybody who would do that would be capable of just about anything.

  "Ah, here come the last of the stragglers,” Dr. Grayson announced as a beat up Cougar pulled into the lot. “That'll be Charles and Chris. They're good students but they'd be late to their own funerals."

  Breathred watched the professor check their names on the clipboard she cradled in the crook of her arm. Once finished, she left him and Luna so she could hurry the newcomers along. They were running late as it was. Any further delay would set them way behind schedule.

  Not that Breathred cared about it one way or the other. Now with the moment of truth upon him, he was feeling more than a little fearful
over the whole thing. Sure, he had the textbook to fall back on, and knew how to handle a vampire. The mall had taught him so.

  All right, Breathred hated to admit it but he hated long car trips. Despised them to tell the truth. Enjoying a round or two of a hundred bottles of beer on the wall was always fun, but that was the only thing he liked about them. It would have been even worse, if someone got the idea to force him to drive. Breathred hated driving most of all. The thought of actually getting on the interstate made his butt clinch up so bad it took a month before he could use the bathroom again.

  Now as Breathred thought about it, maybe he should let Stud take the front seat. With Stud out of the way, it would give him time to talk to Luna in the back. No, that wouldn't work either. Breathred had heard about what went on in the backs of vans between boys and girls. God, he should have stayed in bed. At least there he could have hid under the covers and pretended none of this was happening.

  "Breathred I hate to mention this, but you're drooling,” Luna whispered in his ear.

  "Huh,” he grunted.

  "Snap out of it, Big Guy. You're not getting nervous are you?"

  "A little. I haven't been this far from home in a long time. It's all a bit daunting."

  She smiled up at him. “Hey, I'm going to be with you. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

  "But that's my job. I'm supposed to protect you, not the other way round.” Breathred was a little hurt at her implication he might need protecting.

  "Why, because you're the man?” she howled. “Let me tell you one thing, Mr. Petrifunck. I can take care of myself and if you can't see that, I'll be more than happy to find someone who can."

  "No, that's not it,” he answered, shying away from her.

  "Then, what is it?"

  "I'm the vampire slayer—not you, not Stud. If I need to be protected, what does that say about my ability to slay? If I thought you couldn't take care of yourself, I wouldn't have let either of you sign up for this job,” he said, running his hand through his hair thoughtfully.

  "Oh, Breathred. You're such a lunkhead. If I didn't think you could do this, do you think I'd have roped us into this? You're the only man I'd trust to get me out of something like this,” she said, giving his jaw a soft tap. “But I'll make a deal with you. You handle all the vamps and other things that go bump in the night, and I'll deal with the frogs."

  "Nobody said anything about frogs!” Breathred screamed. “If there are going to be frogs, I need to go home. I'm sure I forgot something on the back of the toilet that won't keep till we get back."

  "I said I'd take care of them.” Luna slipped her arm around his neck. With a quick snap she locked his head into a sleeper hold. “Now, unless you want me to get ugly, you will get in the van and be a good little boy. Do you understand me?"

  "Yes, Ma'am."

  "Looks like you're sucking hind tit today, Big Guy,” Stud laughed from the front seat when Breathred opened the van's door. “Hit the backseat, Hot Stuff. The big boy's got shotgun."

  * * * *

  Leopold stood outside the gate of a private airfield just on the outskirts of Seattle. He was not in a good mood. The drizzling rain did nothing to improve it, either. Fog was rolling in, thick and steady. Hoping the weather would not derail his plans, Leopold sent a mental summons out to Lewis to check on the possibility.

  The response came instantly into Leopold's head. The pilot had said no, Lewis thought at him. As much as he hated standing here without his companion, Lewis was better used elsewhere for the time being.

  Lewis was seeing to their luggage, as well as helping Dr. Truehart get the university's equipment loaded onboard the plane. Dr. Easily was somewhere in the terminal. Thankfully, out of his hair for the moment. As useful as the woman was to him, she had a tendency to drag on his last nerve. An ill omen, if Leopold had ever heard of one.

  Then again tonight had been full of them. It all started with them being late for their departure time, thanks to Lewis’ supper. The young were always so hungry. Tonight of all nights, the boy could have waited or taken a bag from the refrigerator. But no, he had to have something fresh. Something that sticks to the bones, Lewis had said. Leopold had something that could stick to his bones, something of the ash or oak variety.

  Lewis’ tardiness had just been the tip of the iceberg. The limo hadn't shown up, and when it did, the driver was new. To make matters worse, they got lost and had to backtrack. By then it was an hour past the time they were to meet the plane. Lewis had called to tell the pilot they were running late, otherwise the human would have left them sitting on the tarmac.

  That thought earned the departing limo a harsh look. Well, the delays didn't matter. They had made it with time to spare. After all, his dime was footing the proverbial bill. Leopold made a mental note to remember the driver's name. It paid to plan your meals ahead. Whoever had said, “revenge was a dish best served cold” must not have been a vampire.

  The shifting fog parted, revealing Lewis coming toward him. Good, the plane must be ready. This dreary weather was hell on his complexion. Seattle was like being in London, only without Benny Hill to make it bearable.

  In fact Leopold was seriously reconsidering making the city his permanent home. He'd been hearing good things about Green Bay. Well, he'd heard good things about Brett Favre, which amounted to the same thing, if you asked him. Any place that kept so many big brutes on hand for the picking had to be a good place to live in his book. Leopold had always been a pushover for a man in uniform, especially a tight fitting one.

  "All packed, boss,” Lewis said, as soon as he reached the elder vampire.

  "Good. Go get Ms. Easily. I'm ready to get away from this abysmal place,” Leopold grumbled.

  "Look boss, I appreciate the eye candy as much as the next man, but are you sure about bringing the broad along?"

  "I don't need this shite from you, Lewis. I know what I'm doing. They are the perfect decoys. We have nothing to worry about."

  "Except for the fact this so-called slayer knows about you and me. I don't call that nothing to worry about. That's a whole pile of shit to worry about,” Lewis said.

  "Oh, please. Do you think I've never had to deal with these self-styled monster hunters before? They start out like gangbusters, but the first flash of a little fang, they fold up and cry like a baby. This one will be no different."

  "I hope you're right."

  "Of course I am, now go get that little tart. I'll be waiting in the plane,” Leopold said, strolling toward the plane.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Twenty

  When dealing with the authorities, the best policy is to act as stupid as you can without getting locked up for it.

  Breathred awoke with a start. The van was stopping. When did he fall asleep? Breathred couldn't remember. He had only meant to close his eyes for a second, and ended up sleeping the morning and, from the looks of it, the afternoon away. Night had bloomed some time ago, leaving the van bathed in darkness, except for streetlights that streamed in through the window.

  Breathred glanced at his watch. It was a little after eight. Doggone, he must have been tired. He hoped he hadn't snored. Oh God, what if he was drooling? He couldn't stand it if someone saw him drooling. His hand stroked his chin. No, he was all dry. That was one neurosis out of the way.

  Through a sleep-filled haze, he glanced over to where Luna sat. She was curled up against the back of the seat, as fast asleep as he must have been. Breathred smiled to himself. Her jacket was pulled tight to her slumping chin. Luna was using his bulky jacket as a pillow tucked neatly behind her head.

  Breathred marveled at how childlike she looked. To him Luna never looked more beautiful than she did when she was asleep. He never failed to notice that fact about her. How did women always seem to be able to pull angelic perfection off when they were asleep?

  He, on the other hand, was a totally different story. Breathred resembled something akin to a dying moose all sprawled o
ut. Stud had assured him of the fact on more than one occasion, not that the chimp had room to talk. As far as Breathred was concerned, he would rather look like a dying moose than a snoring ape with a habitual pup tent.

  The van lurched forward. Breathred shifted slightly in his seat. His arm automatically shot toward Luna, making sure she wasn't thrown forward from the van's unexpected motion. As his hand brushed past her, Luna stirred fitfully from her catnap.

  Suddenly, her eyes flipped open. Breathred cringed as she peered wildly at him. He pulled his arm back, away from her. Her lips curled into a wicked snarl. As suddenly as the look appeared, her expression changed to the usual smile Breathred was accustomed to seeing.

  "Where are we?” Luna mumbled through a gaping yawn.

  "I don't know. Just woke up myself,” he answered, wondering if he had morning breath. Breathred had brushed his teeth that morning, but he couldn't be sure if there was a statute of limitations on daily dental hygiene. He hid his mouth behind his hand just to be on the safe side.

  "Stud, baby. Do you know where we are?” Luna called to the front seat. Another yawn ended her question.

  "He's asleep,” Dr. Grayson answered for him. “But we're coming up to the border. We're waiting for our turn to go through. Go ahead and get your passports out."

  "Okay,” they answered in unison.

  "As much as I hate to end the peace and quiet, I'd better wake Stud,” Dr. Grayson called back.

  "Don't do that!” Breathred yelled, jumping to stop her.

  But it was too late. Before he even got the words from his mouth, she shook the chimp awake.

  "Estelle, you frosty vixen,” Stud moaned, half asleep.

  "Oh my God!” Dr. Grayson exclaimed, glancing over to see what the chimp was talking about.

  Breathred didn't have to look. He already knew. Shame riddled his face. Why did he have to own the only chimpanzee in the world with a Golden Girls fetish? It wouldn't have been so bad if the darned chimpanzee's libido weren't so vocal about his depravity when the little devil first woke up.