Man of My Dreams

by Faith Andrews

  “But what, Declan?” She continues to plea, but I’m blocking it out. Do the right thing, do the right thing, even if it’s going to kill you. I’ve lasted this long—a goddamn nineteen year old male virgin—I can wait a little longer until things are more serious with this amazing girl. Fuck it! Here goes everything. “I’m a virgin, Mia.”

  Poor girl looks like I’ve just told her I’m a zombie and she’s about to become one too. I take her hand in mine, hoping to redeem myself. To make her understand why. “I’m sorry I just blurted it out like that, and you have no idea how embarrassing this is to admit to you. I definitely want this...and you. Just not tonight. I want to get to know you better.”

  After a few very silent, nearly awkward moments, I wonder if I’ve blown the fucking mother load. Maybe she isn’t into me the same way I’m into her. Maybe she just wants the hook up instead of the lifetime. Did I read her wrong?

  Bullshit! Before all the groping and touching, I saw it in her eyes. Goo-goo eyes don’t fucking lie. She had goo-goo eyes for me. The eyes that force the mouth to go blabbing to all your girlfriends about dates like ours, boys like me. I turn away, trying to regain some composure. To ready myself for the disappointment of a wonderful night coming to a catastrophic end. But her delicate fingers work their way into my hair, turning my head so that our eyes can meet again.

  I smile because I see it again. The goo-goo effect. It’s back!

  She smiles back at me, licking her lips. I think she must be trying to kill me. “Okay. We’ll wait. But can we still make out?”

  Making out I can do. I’ll have to tame the devil in my pants, but if that’s all I have to do to keep this amazing thing going—it’ll be damn near impossible, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

  “So did you bone her?” Carl doesn’t even look up from his N-64. He’s about to unlock another star for Mario—apparently that supersedes me possibly boning someone.

  “No, I didn’t bone her, asshole. But if you care to know, she’s definitely my girl and you’re never getting that ID back.” I pull my shirt over my head and kick off my shoes, deflating onto my too-firm bed.

  Still seated like a rotting vegetable in front of the television, Carl spews out more of his inane banter. “Well, I hope you get some action soon so that you can move on to the next one and make yourself known for something other than your dreamy, flowing hair. Oh, and speaking of your stupid hair, that girl in Economics keeps asking about you.”

  Carl could have just told me that Alicia Silverstone wants to go out with me and I still wouldn’t care. I scrub my hands over my face. “Tell her I’m taken.”

  I hear the game controller fall to the floor. Carl shifts in the noisy beanbag chair. “Taken? One fucking date and you’re done? What the fuck man. What happened to making our way around the freshman, maybe even the sophomore, girl populace? You’re gonna waste the whole semester proving how romantic you are and not getting any pussy. When she gets tired of you, or when you cut your hair, she’s going to move on and you’ll still be a fucking virgin!”

  My eyes widen as his tone intensifies. I don’t need our whole floor knowing I haven’t screwed a girl yet. “Shut the fuck up, Carl. You have no idea what you’re talking about. This girl is something special, dude. The kind of girl you only wish would look at you...sideways. So stop talking shit about her and about me and worry about yourself getting laid.”

  “Fine, man. Marry her for all I care. But don’t cry to me when you wake up one day and you realize you’ve been looking at the same pussy your whole damn life. You and Mia may go on to ride off happily into the sunset, but one day when your silky hair is gray or better yet, non-existent, remember this conversation and say, ‘damn, that good looking bastard, Carl, was right. I wish I’d gotten more pussy in college.’”

  What a fucking douche. A funny douche, but still a douche. I laugh, despite my best efforts not to. “I’ll take my chances. Now leave it alone.”

  Toothbrushes, check. Overnight pull-ups, check. Pinky the dancing bear and her polka dot tutu, check. I’ve done it more than once by now; you’d think I’d have it covered.

  “Mommy, can you pack The Wizard of Oz and Airbuddies? Daddy got a movie player and popcorn!”

  Popcorn? He knows I don’t let the kids have popcorn. Either he’s trying to piss me off or he plans on spoiling them by giving them things I don’t let them have to win them over. There’s no doubt that they miss having him around every day; things are definitely different. But kids are resilient, and mine have slid right into this separation as if it were any other business trip or extended time apart. Poor things have no idea what’s going on. Shit, I have no idea what’s going on. I’m just taking each day as it comes. And right now my day includes dropping my kids off at their father’s for the weekend, getting a facial, and then going out with Noah again.

  But now I feel guilty. I’m their mother, the focus isn’t supposed to be on me. I sacrificed that the minute they came into this world and let out their first squealing cries. How terrible of me to be pawning them off so that I can have a good time. And while I have that good time, I could be setting a lasting impression that will stick with them for years. God, they’re going to hate me! Maybe I should let Declan give them popcorn, take them to Toys ‘R Us for a shopping spree. My only job in life is to keep them out of harm’s way—are my actions harming them?

  Who am I kidding? They don’t know about my actions, they’re toddlers. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. But popcorn...that can hurt them. “No popcorn, baby. You know it’s not safe. I’ll pack your favorite Goldfish and we’ll get all the goodies for s’mores on the way.”

  My head actually hurts from the inner beating I’m giving myself. My brain’s been sparring with my heart for two months over this, but it’s gotten me nowhere. Declan and I are still apart and Noah and I are growing closer. And while there are days I really miss my husband and the life we created together, I am beginning to love the new life Noah has shown me. But I’d be a fool to think it will always be like this, and I’m not a fool. I have two kids that will always be a part of my life and Noah hasn’t even met them yet. We haven’t talked about how they would fit into his life if we became more serious. So for now, I’m leaving it alone. I don’t want serious. I don’t need serious. I’ve been serious for too long. We’re having fun without any expectations from the other. Fun is just about all I can handle right now.

  An hour later, I pull up in front of Declan’s new place. His parents own a bunch of rental properties, and since this house happened to be in between tenants, Declan took it. He moved right in the week he came home from Hong Kong, the whole process so robotic it made me think he’d had the rental lined up ahead of time. When I accused him of that, though, he only shook his head. He was so indifferent, so calm. It hurt, but it made my decision to go forward with Noah that much easier.

  I don’t hear from Declan at all, other than to talk about the kids, and that’s when I see him at drop offs. I mostly get the scoop through Grace, who apparently has found a new BFF in my husband. Pisses me the hell off! She’s supposed to be on my side. I mean, I still take precedence over him, but she thinks I’m nuts for pursuing the whole Noah thing. She keeps telling me that Declan is miserable, but as he walks out the door to help us out of the car, I can’t help but notice that he looks fine. Like the whole idea of dropping my kids off to him so I can go on a date is just second nature. The whole transition is just so flipping...weird.

  “Hi, girls!!” He bypasses me completely, walking around the car to open the back door and unbuckle the girls from their car seats.

  “Daddy! Daddy!” Cara shrieks.

  “Hey, baby. I’ve missed you! Let me look at you...I think you’ve grown a few inches since I saw you last.” He takes Charlie out first, hugging Cara in the other arm like his life depends on it. I watch the two kids dangle off of him like monkeys as if I’m a stranger. Is that what I’ve become—an outsider to their relationship with their dad? The
thought is so damn unsettling I have to grip the steering wheel, close my eyes and count to ten.

  “Hi, Mia.” He finally says. His voice is low, almost a whisper. But it’s not condescending or malicious. It’s just a simple hello.

  “Hi, Dec.” I can’t look him in the eye. I’m afraid I’ll see more of that indifference that drives me bananas. Isn’t the opposite of love indifference? Is he already out of love with me? Give me a clue what you’re feeling, goddamn it! Hatred, grief, relief, happiness. Anything! I’ll take anything but that flipping blank look. “Here are their bags. Charlie’s been waking up in the middle of the night to pee so I packed the overnight diapers just in case. Cara mentioned P-O-P-C-O-R-N, but I brought a different S-N-A-C-K because you know how I feel about the other thing. And she wants to watch The Wizard of Oz, but fast forward over the part with the flying monkeys because...”

  “Take a breath, Mia. I can handle this. We’re good.” He alternates glances between the girls, smiling that Dad-of-the-Year smile. “Right, ladies?”

  “Yup. We good, Mommy.” Cara nods her head up and down so fast she looks like a mini bobble head doll.

  Charlie, on the other hand, is making lips. Her perfect little pout is plastered in the most pathetic looking frown. I know this look all too well. She’s about to have a crying fit.

  I quickly open my arms and Charlie launches into them, clasping her tiny arms around my neck with the power of a mini vice. “What’s the matter, baby?” I whisper in her ear.

  But she doesn’t answer. Silent sobs form first, morphing into wails, then howls, that would turn the most uncaring stone of a mother into mush. And I’m far from stone. “Baby girl, you’re going to spend some time with Daddy. He misses you. Don’t you miss him, too?”

  Charlie’s sobs become stifled against the skin of my neck. Little thing knows how to hold it back not to make Daddy feel bad.

  “Charlie, we’re going to watch the munchkins tonight. I’ll even let you sleep with Pinky Bear. Don’t cry.” Poor Cara is so excited about her slumber party at Dad’s cool new place she’ll do anything to help.

  The cries start to ease up, but she’s still holding on for dear life.

  Declan pats her back, cupping her head of blond ringlets. “Grams and Gramps might come by too, sweet girl.”

  Charlie’s head pops up and spins around. Her lashes are stuck together with tears, but her blue eyes are bright at the mention of Grams and Gramps. She loosens her grip on my neck and shimmies her way down my body to the floor.

  Cara holds out her hand and Pinky Bear for her sister. The two share a hug and it makes my own eyes tear up. At least they have each other. “Girls, can I have a big hug and kiss before I go?”

  Charlie stands, wilting against her sister. “You come in, Mommy?” Oh, no not the lips again. I need to forget the lips. I’m not exactly comfortable making myself at home in Declan’s new digs.

  I squat down to her eye-level, holding her soft, beautiful hands in mine. Suddenly my plans for the day seem trivial in comparison to spending time with my babies. “Mommy has an appointment, Charlie. Why don’t you let Cara bring you in? Daddy told me he has chocolate milk in the fridge. That always makes you feel better, doesn’t it, baby?”

  Declan gives me a sideways glance, “Mia, you’re more than welcome to come in for a little while, get them settled.”

  I just can’t. Not only will it be weird, but it will only prolong the inevitable. She’ll never let me leave without hysterics once I set foot in there. I do appreciate the offer. The softness in his voice tells me he doesn’t hate me after all. “Thanks, Declan, but I really do have to get going.” I turn to the girls, clutching each of their chins. “Mommy will be back tomorrow. It’s just like when you sleep at Nana and Papa’s; stars with them, sun with me. But this time it’s Daddy! How lucky are you girls? You get to have your own special time with him.” I drop my voice down to an exaggerated whisper, making them think I have a special secret for their ears only. “Daddy’s afraid of the wicked witch. You have to hold his hand when she appears, okay? Don’t make him watch it all alone tonight.”

  Cara busts out in an adorable, belly jiggling giggle. Charlie looks at her sister and follows suit. “Okay, Mommy. We’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” Cara nearly topples me over with a hug and Charlie, who’s still holding her big sister’s hand, joins us.

  “I love you girls. Be good for Daddy.”

  “We will, Mommy. Bye.” They run off into the strange house and even though I’m at ease knowing they are okay with my departure, I can’t help feeling a little heartbroken.

  Declan lags behind, watching me get back into the car. “What are you doing, Mia? Don’t you miss our family?”

  Whoa! Where the hell did this come from? “Excuse me?” I jump to the defensive. Who is he to question me about what I’m doing. What the hell has he been doing for the last two months? I almost wish he’d tell me he’s been seeing someone else. At least then I’d know there was a reason he’s been staying so far away. But the silent treatment, the not knowing, it’s worse than anything else. And there I go jumbling emotions again! Defensive, then heartbroken…will I ever get it straight?

  “When is this little game of yours going to be over? Aren’t you tired of pretending to be someone you’re not?”

  His questions sound like pleas. But his expression is still empty. Does he care or doesn’t he? Is it because he feels bad for the girls or because he wants me back? I am so angered by the lack of emotion in his once vibrant eyes that I don’t care what he wants right now. He should be fighting for me, begging, pleading to get me back. But instead he just stands there seemingly...annoyed…and that’s not going to cut it.

  I slam the driver’s door shut, glaring at him through an open window. “Yeah, I am tired of pretending, Declan. I’m tired of feigning perfection. I thought our family was perfect, until you stopped fighting for us. And now I’m just tired of pretending you give a shit.” My hands grip the steering wheel again. I might need to count to fifty this time to calm down. “The girls are waiting for you, Dec. You should go inside.”

  I wait for him to say something, the empty space between us measured by deafening silence. But he doesn’t say anything. He just clenches his jaw, swallowing hard. I can’t read his mind. I won’t make a decision like this based on what I’m thinking he’s thinking. So instead, I throw the car in reverse and leave.

  “You okay, Mi? You seem distracted tonight.”

  Noah’s taken me to a place called Sharky’s. I’d never been but always heard of the place, an Irish pub known for its endless list of brewed-on-site beers. What I didn’t know is that it’s also our town’s version of The Alibi: open mic night, live bands, things that remind me of Declan. And between our little run-in at his place and the painful reminders of him at this place, I guess you could say I’m pretty distracted.

  But I can’t exactly tell him that, so I pretend everything is as perfect as it’s been for the last two months. “Everything’s fine. Just thinking about Charlie. She was a little upset when I left her today.” And her father accused me of playing games, but yeah, I’m fine.

  “Oh. I’m sorry. Want me to take you home? It’s not too late. Maybe you can pick them up and bring them home.”

  He’s always so sweet. Always putting my needs before his own. Like the fact that he hasn’t once bugged me about not sleeping with him yet. I’ve placated him with other things, and damn if the act of placating isn’t pretty damn enjoyable, but he’s patient and kind and I probably don’t deserve him. And after the shit with Declan tonight—I mean, he isn’t exactly professing his love, so what the hell am I waiting for? Divorce papers?

  Yup, that’s exactly what I’m waiting for.

  Screw it! “Absolutely not. The kids are fine. I’m fine. Now stop worrying before I give you something to worry about.”

  He cocks his head to the side, with that smoldering stare that makes me want to jump his bones right here. “Like what?”
<
br />   “I’ll put your name on the list for open mic. I’ve always had a fantasy of you singing Sex and Candy.” I’ve had so many fantasies about Noah it’s hard to keep track.

  His head snaps back as he laughs so hard a few of the other patrons gawk in our direction. “Well, that’s a first. But I can’t hold a tune to save Ferris. Why don’t you go up there, though?”

  “No. Not my thing. I’d rather watch.” I shoot him a playful, devious wink. What am I doing? Is this what Declan meant about pretending to be someone I’m not?

  “Mia, why is it that everything you say has the kinkiest subtleties? You know you drive me insane, right?”

  See, now this man makes his feelings clear. Rather than being vacant, his eyes are dark, heated, fueled with a burning want. His lips are curled up in the most delectable grin as he licks them, driving me pretty insane myself. And his hands—they never leave me. His body is always in contact with mine somehow, letting me know he can’t get enough. Why is it so easy for him to show me how much he wants me after only two months but so difficult for Declan after ten years? Is that just the pathetic truth behind every marriage? How sad.

  I put my finger up to get our waitress’ attention. The desire for sex that’s radiating off Noah is making me way too hot. “I need some water. This beer is doing wicked things to my judgment.”

  “Good.”

  “What!?!” I can’t help sounding surprised.

  He laughs again, but this time he’s nervous. “No, I didn’t mean good like that.” He brings a hand to his forehead, dragging it down the length of his gorgeous face. “I meant I wanted to talk to you about something and maybe the alcohol will loosen you up a little. Make you have an open mind.”