by Sicily Yoder
Apprehension filled his body as he eased out of bed, grabbed the plush robe off the chair. This would be his last shower as the dawdi haus didn’t have a bathroom. There was an outhouse right behind it and an oversized metal tub on the back porch for bathing.
In the hallway, a dimmed light bordered the bottom of Mamm’s bedroom door. Had she been up all night, worried about his living? Wood creaked in her bedroom. She heard his footsteps. A confrontation was unavoidable as he had to walk past her room to get to the bathroom.
As he approached her room, the door slowly opened, and she stuff her head out, her long dark hair silky and new. A warm smile kissed her face, but was overshadowed by the deep puffs under her eyes. Mamm has been crying. Guilt tugged at his heart.
“Gut Mariye, Mamm,” Jacob said softly, but in a cheerful tone, hoping to widen the smile between her cheeks.
It worked. With an incredulous smile, she opened the door further, leaned against the doorway and scanned his body with her perky eyes, the puffiness contrasting strongly to her vivid gaze. “I hear my little boy has turned into a man, and he needs his mother’s blessing to marry a woman?” She grinned. “A gut Amish woman, eh?” She reached up, pinched his cheeks like she used to when he was a small boy. “I knew my baby boy would one day grow up, leave me.”
“I’ll still be in the community, Mamm,” he assured.
“You’re already speaking Dietsch, Jah?” Her brow narrowed. “You will have to prove before you marry her. You know that Son.”
“Jah, I know, but I can do it.”
“Six months of proving, then you can officially court her, remember—”
“Remember what?” Jacob asked in a confused tone.
Her gaze lowered as if the words she was about to say where thorns in her throat. “Or they will be quick to shun her. It’s not fun being in The Bann.”
Jacob was astonished. Mamm seemed to enjoy being shunned, then excommunicated. If she didn’t like it, why had she not made things right and gone back to the church? “Mamm, do you miss the church?”
She was quick, to the point. “No, I don’t like the rules.”
“Gott’s rules or man’s rules?” He arched a brow, interested in her answer.
To his shock, she snickered. “You’re already like the rest of them, judging, ridiculing someone who had a rough life.”
His brow wrinkled. “Mamm, I am your son, and we all had a rough life.”
“There’s something you need to know, and don’t repeat it to no one.” She looked at him sternly, shaking her finger mid-air as if he was sworn to ultimate secrecy.
“I’ll keep a secret.”
“It was a month before I made the announcement that we were parting the Amish life. Remember the unusually rainy season we had during that time?”
“Jah, the creek at the back of our property—”
She appeared to read his face, that he remembered the rain well. “I guess you remember what happened at the creek?”
How could he forget? The neighbor boy, Carlos, had drowned in that creek. How sad! Rumspringa in full swing, Carlos drunk a fifth of hard liquor, lost sound judgment. He’d tried to cross the creek during a flash flood, and the creek had no shown no mercy.
“He came and asked to use my extra buggy to drive home. I refused since he lived over the creek and up the bank, a short walk. I didn’t want his parents to think I agreed with his drinking.” She hung her head.
Although Jacob was lost for words, he uttered, “You saw him right before the river took him?”
She cried as she lifted her head. “I can never replace the Hershberger’s son. And Lila blamed me for the death, started rumors of my goings-on in the church.”
Jacob took the sleeve of the soft robe, blotted the tears under her eyes. This was his Mamm. His only Mamm and she’d been done wrong. He made a mental note to stand up for her, stop Lila’s gossip. “I never knew why we left, but I obeyed you because I thought you had gut reason.”
She nodded, sniffled, then reached up and hugged him. “I love you, my son, and I wish you the best in the community I once lived freely in.”
“It’s still your community, Mamm.” Jacob lifted her chin gently. “Don’t let them run you out.”
She grimaced. “Lila already has. It’s been so many years.” She shook her head. “I bet she’s happy.”
Jacob wouldn’t let Mamm be defeated. Gott’s church was for all saints, and the Bible said that all saints had fallen. “You’re going to see the bishop with me today.”
A confused glare washed over her face. “Won’t he be busy helping plan Gina, Emma, and Esther’s Mamm’s funerals?”
“I forgot about that.” He sighed. “We’ll have to talk to him after all of this settles.”
Mamm smiled. “Das gut.” She grinned as if her speaking the Amish dialect would make him glad.
It did more than that, for it brought back the old Mamm, the Gott-fearing one. The air was blissful, the haus filled with the warmth of the Holy Spirit. “Mamm, Gott welcomes the both of us back home.”
Mamm nodded. “But we have to prove.”
His brow wiggled. “Prove to the church, not to Gott.” He reached down, kissed her sweaty forehead. “Gott knows why you left.”
A long hug, and she nodded towards the bathroom. “Go ahead and get dressed so you won’t be late to Miller’s haus.”
He smiled, and at that moment made his way to the bathroom. His last hot shower. To have a chance at love made the sacrifice worth it.
The hot water felt gut on his sore muscles, and he lingered under the soothing waterfall longer than usual, soaking up the luxury of a gut shower. He had to admit that when he gazed into Esther’s eyes, the tingling sensation that ran through his body felt better than the heated water.
I used to be a different man, one who enjoyed simple things. What happened to him? Ever since Mamm left the Amish, he’d become spontaneous, a little rowdy, and ungrateful for the little things in life. He closed his eyes and raised his face towards heaven, the water massaging his face. “Gott, please mold me into my old self.”
Esther needed the old Jacob, and not the new one. The new one had broken her heart. The new one would share her heart.
Reluctantly, He got out of the shower, grabbed a towel and dried his wet hair. He wondered what Esther’s hair looked like when wet. All Amish ladies left their hair down to air dry at home. He couldn’t wait to see her beautiful locks, although such a thought made him feel playful, the Englischer coming out full force.
As he stood in front of the mirror, eyeing the man who was a lost sheep but returned to Gott, gratitude overflowed. Gott’s been gut to me.
He titled his head, shaved the last part of his face. One day, he would grow a beard. How glorious! Esther’s love. An Amish marriage. Kinner of his own. He didn’t deserve any of it.
After he got dressed, he was out the door, headed to Esther’s haus. His anxious hands flicked the reins. I have to prove.
~*~
Esther yawned as she crawled out of bed. The cold wood creaked, and she nearly stumbled over her boots. At the bureau, she grabbed the matches, lit the lantern. Her bones felt the nippy air, and she rubbed her aching back. I must have slept the wrong way.
It happened at times, but she knew, in the back of her mind, this ache radiated from her heart. A broken one. Daggered by tragedy. Today’s the day.
Mamm and Emma’s funeral. Just the silent thought of the latter word made her head spin, the hair stand up on the back of her neck. It couldn’t be happening. It had to be a bad dream.
Esther fought back tears. It was real. Lantern in one hand, her Bible in the other, she wobbled out of the bedroom, shattered by what lay ahead. She needed Jacob. She needed his embrace, the manly, compassionate tone. As well as the heat against his lavender-scented neck. She needed him now. What time would he be there? She thought.
Down the hallway, she saw the night flowing out under her schwesters’ bedrooms, heard eager chitchat. Mus
t be nice to not care about such a horrible loss.
She eased down the staircase, leaned against the banister. Four steps from the bottom, the railing wiggled, and she made a mental note to ask Jacob to repair it.
In the kitchen, she sat the lantern down and lit another one, the bright flame adding a little comfort to her grieving soul. The bishop preached Christ was the saving flame. She needed Christ. The cold hardwood floor sent icy waves up her legs, and she trembled.
An eerie silence filled the room, and Mamm’s daily kitchen devotional remained on the page she’d turned it to before she leaped to her death.
Esther lost herself, let her tears cascade down her quivering cheeks. Just then, a knock on the back door startled her. Who could it be this early? She hadn’t started breakfast yet or added kindling to the stove.
She reached her sleeve up, wiped her wet face, and prayed that the early guest wouldn’t tell she’d been crying.
She opened the door to find Jacob, a warm smile on his face. Praise Gott, my Jacob is here. “Come on it,” she sniffled. A blast of cold air flowed into the doorway, and she stood there, hoped it would dry her face.
Without saying a word, Jacob leaned down, slid his fingers under her eyes to wipe her tears away. “I know it’s hard for you.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Gott hasn’t forsaken you.” Gently, he gathered her in his arms, said nothing.
She wouldn’t admit that she welcomed the quietness, for it might make her look too forward. Things needed to be done right this time. He held her for a couple minutes, than silently hugged her, the scent of lavender creating a blissful aroma. “I’m here for you, Esther.”
“I n-e-e-d you.”
“It’s real this time.” He reached up, pushed stray strands of hair back behind her ear, nearly sticking his finger on one of the straight pins that secured her kapp. “You’re a beautiful lady, and I am a very lucky man.”
Praise Gott! Jacob wanted her. He cared about her. He was all hers. She could hear heaven rejoicing, probably Emma jumping up and down, Mamm clapping with the angels. “No other women this time?” Such a question rocked her nerves, made her feel selfish.
“You will be my special friend?” he uttered as if she might turn him down.
She didn’t. Not in a million years. She’d waited for this moment for years. She fell into his arms. “Jah!”
“Das gut!” He barely contained her in his arms for her joy. She wiggled deeper into his chest, sweet lavender all around the kitchen.
“I’m so excited.” She looked up at him. “My man, my friend, and one I can depend on, eh?”
“Jah, and you can count me in to help you with breakfast.” He nodded towards the stove. “May I get some wood for the stove?” He rubbed his hands together. “It’s freezing in here.”
“There’s some in the shed. I’ll walk out with you,” she said gingerly, and he extended his arm around her neck. “We make a gut team.”
“I think so.” Esther turned while he put her coat on her, then secured her black bonnet. “You’re even gut at getting a lady dressed for the weather.”
“I try.” He opened the door, motioned for her to walk out first. “Looks like I did a good job tying your bonnet strings.” He extended his right arm around her as they walked under the predawn sky, a howling wind surfacing across the backyard.
Instructed to tell him about Miriam’s lie, Esther’s face turned to glum. How dispirited to ruin a special moment under a glowing full moon. Miriam had come unhinged, moonstruck for no reason at all. It didn’t make sense.
Still, he deserved to know about the rumors. Hesitantly, she halted her legs, looked up at him. “Miriam told Daed you’d been arrested.” She gritted her teeth when she saw his eyes become clouded. “Daed felt like you should know.”
He didn’t hesitate. “It’s true.”
Esther’s mouth flew open. It’s true? Why? How? When? Where?
Why?
A misty breeze fanned her kapp strings as she stood, sadly lost in his eyes, feeling his pain. A secret. The truth. Not much to her. “I’ll love you no matter what.” She drank his pain, reached up and tipped his black hat down. “Even if you were once a bad boy.”
He smiled. “You’re an incredible lady.” He pulled her close. “I guess you want to know why I was arrested.”
“Please do tell.” Lost in the fresh scent of lavender, feeling a crisp breeze fan her cape dress hem across the cold earth, the moment was unlike any she’d ever experienced.
To be loved.
“There were two juvenile delinquents who broke into Eby’s herbal store, and I caught one of them, tackled him to the ground, and well—”
She gently tapped her finger against his lips, smiled lovingly, the wind blowing wisps of her hair from beneath her kapp. “The boy got a little scuffed up, eh?” He nodded. She slid her fingers to his high cheek bones, admired his handsome face. “We welcome you into the Miller familye, and we have some donuts to deliver to the offices at seven o’clock.”
He looked delighted. “Your daed’s giving you part of the route?” He gripped her tightly. “How nice of him.”
She leaned her head into his arms, replied softly, “He’s giving half the route to us.” Excitement lifted the air. She closed her eyes, listened to his heartbeat, cherishing the moment.
“You know I have to prove before we can marry.” He rubbed her back. “I promise to do well.”
“Start now, because I can’t wait until our wedding day. You were here all along, although you were confused about what you wanted.” She lowered her tone. “I forgive you for everything.”
The wind whistled through the sleeping pines, rolled through the hills as dawn got miles closer. The moon’s rays glistened over the frosted ground.
Together, they would make it.
~CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE~
Jacob realized that tension lured in the kitchen as the wood burning stove made cracking sounds. An upset glare painted on Miriam’s face, he tried to avoid eye contact with her. She should be in the kitchen helping Esther and her other schwester get breakfast ready. How lazy.
Absorbed with her own needs, she sat on the couch, pouting after Daed had congratulated Jacob on courting Esther. It seemed as if he might have been eavesdropping from his upstairs bedroom window when he held her near the shed.
“Are you sure you want to date a younger girl?” Miriam asked as if there were hope in his changing his mind.
“Jah, she’s the one. We’ll be planning a life together after I prove myself chite to join the church.”
She grimaced. “If that’s your decision, so be it.” Miriam frowned.
He elaborated just to get his point across. “There’s no older women left in our community I’ve ever been interested in.”
She didn’t speak, and he was glad. He didn’t feel guilty for making her sad because she’d disclosed a secret without including why the secret happened. That was nothing a Christian woman would do. The Gospel clearly said to not covet. Miriam did.
Badly.
He had second thoughts about living in the dawdi haus. Would Miriam lose interest after he’d expressed no interest in her or any older woman? She’d drive him nuts if she didn’t lose her attraction to him. Seeing schwesters battle over love didn’t feel gut.
Miriam got up, made her way into the kitchen. Jacob strained his ears to listen for any argument that might pursue, but fell short. Total peace. Praise Gott!
Esther walked through the open doorway and nodded towards the kitchen. “I have a gut breakfast for you menner. Starting early, we might as well eat gut.” She fused her eyes with Jacob’s eyes, smiled. “Jacob will you be my dinner guest every meal since you’ll be only a hundred feet away in the dawdi house?” Her eyes glowed as she stood, waited for an answer.
“Jah, if it’s okay with your daed,” he replied genuinely, eyed her daed, and Daed nodded. “Looks like it’s approved, so you’ll have an extra one to cook for,” he motioned for Daed to enter the kitch
en first, “A wunderbar daed you have here.”
Esther agreed. “Gott blessed me, didn’t He?”
“I don’t know about all that, for I have my share of problems like the rest of the menner,” Daed said humbly as if Jacob’s compliment displayed a little vanity.
At the kitchen, Jacob sat in Emma’s chair, but Esther didn’t mind, for Emma had a chair in heaven. Gott had taken and had given, all in one week.
Daed bowed his head, led a silent grace. “Amen.” He lifted his head, nodded towards the heaping bowls of food on the table. “Looks like we’re gonna have plenty left to share with the midnight guys. I wonder how many jelly donuts they cranked out so far this ‘morn.” He was referring the Byler twins, Gabe and Henry, who worked the graveyard shift at the bakery, cooking donuts, making pies.
“I bet they are done already.” Miriam uttered confidently. “Those two can handle any large order.” She reached down, took two buttermilk biscuits, passed the platter to Esther.
“They cook pretty fast. I bet they’ll beat me in ten years,” Daed said in a chuckling tone. He took the platter of pork tenderloin and country ham. “Old age is kicking in, but I’m grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with, or has taken away. Gott knows best.”
Esther held back her aching heart. Daed was right, heaven was better. But as she sat there for the first breakfast after such loss, she missed Emma and Mamm. Despair didn’t last long as Jacob played footsies with her under the table, smiled when she looked over at him. Without him, she didn’t know what she’d do.
“I heard we’ll be handling half the route from now on,” Jacob said gladly as he spread the gooseberry jam on his flaky biscuit. “How long does the route take?”
“Who’s running the route with you?” Miriam snapped, her brow wrinkled.