“Whoa!” Jessie says, leaning back. “Almost landed straight in my face instead of on my plate.”
I scowl at him, but then realize he’s only joking when I see the smile on his face. It’s not him I’m mad at. I don’t even know if it’s Hunter I’m mad at. Maybe I’m just mad at myself for not realizing sooner that I’m this conflicted about myself, our sex, and him.
I take a deep breath and sit down on my chair, avoiding Hunter’s gaze as I scoop up some mashed potatoes and put it on their plates.
“Looks delicious,” Jessie says, throwing me a casual smile as if to lighten the mood. I know what he’s trying, and I appreciate it. Sadly, it usually doesn’t work on me when I’m concentrating on not exploding from frustration.
I made a juicy burger and some peas to the side. It’s shabby, but it’ll do. Money doesn’t grow on trees and I know they’ll probably be short of it by now. I wonder if this is the last meal they can afford. One of them really needs to start working. It’ll probably be Jessie, since Hunter’s still in school.
We’re eating our dinner in silence, although I’m mostly making figures-of-eight in my food. I’m really too worked up about all of this.
“Tastes delicious too,” Jessie says, breaking up the silence. “Damn, this definitely beats my cooking.”
“Thanks,” I say.
Hunter doesn’t say anything. He just eats his dinner without even looking at me. I don’t know why, but I’m glad. I can’t even handle him looking at me right now. I feel so freaked out by how he behaved in the bedroom. I know I’m probably not supposed to feel this way, but I do. I don’t always have control over my emotions.
Maybe it’s because I always mistrust people. It makes me feel bad for thinking this, but I do. I don’t trust it when people act different all of a sudden. It’s like they’re out to get me.
I sigh. Why do I always feel so afraid?
“If I could choose, I’d have you cook for us every day,” Jessie grins. I’m ripped from my thoughts momentarily, trying to smile at him.
“Let’s cut the crap,” Hunter suddenly snaps. Dropping his fork, he looks up at his brother. “What are you going to do now that you’re out of jail?”
Jessie frowns. “Uh … I don’t know.”
“We need to make some money. This dinner is pretty much the last thing we can afford.”
“I already told you, I’ll take care of that. You don’t need to worry.”
“You’re not thinking of joining the gang again, are you? Because if you are, I swear …” Hunter balls his fists and starts grinding his teeth.
“I’m not. I just need to figure out a way to make some money so I can keep you in college, just like we discussed.”
Hunter sighs and drops back in his chair, leaning back, watching us both with annoyance. “I told you, I don’t need to be there. I can work too. Then we’ll have no problems.”
I’m the only one eating right now, and somehow it feels oddly out of place. Like I’m not supposed to be here to hear all this. It’s like I’m witnessing a very personal, private conversation. So I pretend I’m not even here.
Rolling his eyes, Jessie inhales loudly. “We’ve already talked about that. I want what’s best for you, and so should you.”
Hunter looks away, biting his cheek. I can almost see the seething anger drip off his skin. “I want what’s best for you, too.”
“I know that, and I respect that. But big brothers have to watch over little brothers, and this is what I gotta do, okay?” Jessie picks up his fork and puts some peas in his mouth. “I’ll find a job tomorrow. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” He swallows. “You just go back to school with your sweet girlfriend over here, all right?” Jessie winks at me, making me blush a little.
Hunter snorts. “Fine.”
I wonder if he’s being so obstinate because of my reaction to what he did, or if he’s angry for not being able to work instead of study. Does he even really want to be in college?
After we’re done with dinner, Hunter helps me clean up the table, silently picking up the plates and bringing them to the kitchen. Jessie’s already sifting through today’s newspaper, trying to find a suitable job. I admire his tenacity, his relentless conviction to keep his brother in college while paying for all the expenses and maintaining a household. They really are alike in that way.
I pile up the dishes and get the water running, while Hunter grabs a towel to dry. I’m glad he’s helping me, but at the same time I’m afraid he might start talking to me. I’m not ready to start a conversation with him yet. It all feels wrong, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve always been more the kind of person to keep to myself. I don’t talk much about how I feel. I don’t know how to handle this, but I do know that I’m way too emotional to even be near him right now.
He places his hand on my shoulder, and I almost jolt up, torn from my thoughts. Looking into his eyes is almost like staring back at my own anger.
“Can we talk?” he says.
I turn away and drop the dishes in the water. “I’d rather not.” I can’t … Not now. Not here. Not yet. It’s too fresh.
Hunter’s mouth jams shut and he turns to face me, his stance powerful, strong, furious. I don’t need to look to know he’s watching me.
“Why not?”
“Not right now,” I mumble. I don’t want this right now, especially not with his brother present in the room.
He balls his fists and throws the towel on the counter. His breathing is loud, irregular, and scary. Almost like a bull ready to charge. “Fine,” he says through gritted teeth.
Then he stomps away and barges out the door, throwing it closed behind him. Tears spring into my eyes, but I will them away.
♥♥♥
Hunter
A few hours later
I’ve been walking through the streets for hours now. I’m angry and confused, because I don’t know what she wants from me and it pisses me off. I want to make up with her, but she won’t let me talk to her. All I know is that there’s something wrong. She feels like I used her, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I just love her so much that I get carried away sometimes. Is that so fucking bad?
I kick a stone lying on the pavement so hard that when it hits a window it leaves a crack. I make a run for it before someone catches me.
Then I bump into someone. “Fuck. Watch where you’re going.”
“I could say the same about you.”
Recognizing that voice, I look up and see my brother.
“What the hell …”
“Wow, what a way to greet your brother.”
“Oh, fuck you,” I say, and I sigh. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m dragging your ass back home.”
“What? No.” I push past him, but he grabs my shirt, pulling me back. “Let me go!”
“No, I’m not letting you out of my sight again. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been out looking for you? Dammit.”
I frown. “No, and why do you care anyway? I can take care of myself.”
“Yeah, I can see that. No wonder you ran off after a fight with your girlfriend,” he scoffs.
“I don’t need to listen to this …” I say, jerking myself loose from his grip.
“Oh, c’mon. Wait!”
I ignore him, walking further, but he keeps trailing behind me.
“Dude, just stop for a second.”
“What?” I shout, clenching my teeth. “Just leave me alone!”
“No, I don’t trust you.”
I snarl, “Why not? I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
“You and I both know you’re capable of doing that and much more. I’m your brother. I’m not your enemy, just talk to me, man.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I say through gritted teeth.
“You don’t want to face it, but you have to, one way or another. You can’t stay away from her forever. The longer you wait, the more it’ll blow up.”
“Yes, you do. Now, just stop for a minute and listen to me.” He grabs my arm again, but this time I don’t jerk loose. For some reason I want to talk to him, although I have no clue why.
“She’s your girlfriend. Whatever happened between you, it can be fixed.”
“I don’t even fucking know what I did wrong,” I snap.
He laughs. “That’s usually the case with girls, but that’s no reason to give up.”
“I’m not giving up. I just need some time to think. That’s all.”
“Think about what?”
“Think about how I’m going to make it up to her …” I sigh.
“Oh … so it was that kind of fight, huh?” My brother winks.
I shove him. “Dude, it’s none of your business.”
He holds up his hands. “Hey, you guys can fight it out. I’m not going to butt in.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I care about you and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I raise an eyebrow, because it’s not often he says those things.
A flush appears on his face as he clears his throat. “Besides, it’s too fucking late to be out in the middle of the night. I’m worried. You might get mugged and stabbed.”
I laugh. “Yeah, right. I’d have them down on the ground within seconds.”
“Hmm … Now, now, don’t get too cocky.” Jessie puts his arm around my shoulder and turns us around. “Let’s just head back home and figure out something so you guys can make up again.”
♥♥♥
Autumn
12 a.m.
Hunter’s been gone for hours now, and I’m really starting to get worried. His brother went out looking for him, so I’m alone in this house that’s not mine. I have no clue what to do. It’s my fault he ran off like that. A part of me feels guilty for making him go through that, for making him leave, because I don’t want him to leave. And then another part of me is still angry at him and glad he’s not here. I just need more time to figure out what I really want. Can I really put aside my fears and love him for the way he is? I don’t want to be that girl that asks her guy to change for her. It’s wrong. This is him.
Still, it’s difficult to accept everything and just go with it. My fears are stronger than my willpower to love.
I sigh and turn around on my side. I’m lying on the couch with a blanket. I don’t want to sleep in his bed when he’s not here. Especially not now that we’re fighting. Worries have kept me awake for quite some time. I wonder where he’s gone, what he’s doing. I wonder if the gang is involved. I worry so much, but I know the worry won’t help me get through this. There’s nothing I can do at this point to make it right. There are two options: either stay awake until they get home or go to sleep. Yawning, I pull up the blanket and wriggle underneath it. Sleeping would be the best decision now.
It doesn’t take me too long to doze off into sleep, trusting that Jessie will bring Hunter home. Somewhere in the middle of the night I feel something tug on me. I don’t know what and am too sleepy to care, but someone is picking me up. I feel drowsy, unable to move, and in between fading back to my dreams I notice I’m being taken off the couch. After a few bumps I end up in a really soft place, and I doze off into a nice, comfortable sleep again.
CHAPTER 5
IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE
Autumn
When morning comes, sunlight peeks through the curtains, waking my sleepy head. The blanket feels different from the night before, and when I curl up into my usual fetal position I notice it’s not even the same couch anymore. This is a bed, and it smells familiar. Intoxicating. Just like his aftershave. I’m in Hunter’s bed.
I move the blankets away and look around. I’m really in his room, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Pungent smells come from the kitchen, drifting into the room, stirring my appetite. Saliva builds in my mouth as my body responds to the call of breakfast. I get out of bed and follow the yummy smells into the living room. There I discover Hunter behind the stove. He’s in his boxers, cooking something that smells delicious.
For a moment I’m baffled, just looking at him in amazement. I can’t believe I found Hunter cooking, and partially nude as well. I’ve never seen him do anything so … normal. It’s strange. Why do I think it’s strange? I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t think he had such a soft side.
Looking at him like this puts my heart at ease. Now I know he came home safe. He doesn’t seem hurt, physically at least. I wonder what he thinks of me now. The look in his eyes during the dishes yesterday told me enough. I’ve hurt him, and I hate it.
What happened yesterday is still on my mind. For some reason I don’t feel angry anymore, but I do know we have to talk. It’s still not right between us. I can’t ignore that I felt used, but I can’t ignore his feelings either. I pushed him away.
And now he’s cooking behind the stove like nothing happened.
With his back to me, he doesn’t notice me standing there until I cough. He turns his head and his eyes widen for a second before he opens his mouth. “Crap.”
“Good morning to you too,” I say, chuckling.
“Damn, I was supposed to get this to you before you woke up.”
A smile forms on my lips. “You’re making me breakfast?” Tiptoeing, I lean sideways, finally able to see he’s making some bacon and eggs.
“Ruined the surprise,” he muses, checking the food again.
“Smells good.”
“All for you.”
I smile, leaning against the wall, watching him. I can’t believe he’s making me breakfast. It’s so sweet, it makes me want to giggle. I wonder if this is his way of making up to me. It must be. He doesn’t have the words to say it, so he does it with food. How guy-ish.
I love it though. Seriously, I do. For some reason, the tension between us is evaporating, and I’m glad. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to see him hurt, and I don’t want to hurt anymore. But I wouldn’t know where to begin or even what to say to get this back to the way it used to be.
Communication … I guess it’s not the strongest part of our relationship.
The rippling muscles in his back flex as he flips the bacon and eggs with a spatula. I just love looking at him. I like secretly enjoying these little moments, like he’s doing something he’d normally never do. And it’s all for me.
How can I not be moved?
He turns around with a big smile on his face, as if nothing ever happened between us, and points at the table. “Sit.”
I can’t help but smile. He’s never been very eloquent.
He’s already decked the table, and even put a pot of flowers in the middle. It’s adorable, and I feel like a princess when he serves me the scrumptious food.
“I didn’t know you could cook,” I say.
“Ha! I keep the best secrets for last.” He grins and I chortle.
I take a bite of the food, and then I die a little inside. It’s perfect. “Oh my God. This is delicious!”
With a smug face he sits across from me, enjoying his homemade meal as well. He takes such big bites it makes him look like a hamster filling his cheeks, gobbling it up as quickly as he can. It’s cute.
“Did you sleep well last night?” he asks in between bites. His mouth is filled to the brim, and I can barely hear him. God, he’s really pigging out. Makes me laugh.
“Yeah … I guess,” I say.
“Good to hear.” He winks.
Squinting, I say, “You brought me to your bed, didn’t you?”
“My girl does not sleep on a couch.”
“I was fine with it.”
“I wasn’t. I will not let you sleep miserably if there’s a bed.” He swallows his eggs.
“So you just slept on the couch instead?”
“I don’t give a damn where I sleep, as long as my girl is okay.” For a moment he looks up from his food and gazes into my eyes, piercing my soul with those beautiful gray i
rises of his. I’m taken aback by his devotion to me. He really wants to take care of me, and I feel guilty for acting the way I did. He’s sweet and kind, loyal and hardworking. How can I not love this man?
I realize that I have to keep reminding myself to remember why I love him, so I won’t take it for granted. Now I finally understand what my mother meant when she said love is learning to deal with the things you don’t like about your lover. Maybe I can learn to love his domination in the bedroom. It’s his lust for me that turns him into a beast in the bedroom. He loves me so much he can’t hold back anymore.
Everything is falling into place.
I put my fork down on my plate and lick my lips, trying to understand my own thoughts. All this time the answer was inside me. I don’t need to choose. Not between him or my virtues. Accepting that he loves me the way he does will make us both happy.
Hunter’s looking straight at me, compassion lining his beautiful face. “Sorry for barging out like that last night.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I say. “I’m sorry. I was being very obnoxious.”
He chuckles. “That part is right.”
I roll my eyes. ‘Thanks for confirming it.”
“Hmm … But I still love you for it.” The cheeky smile that appears is endearing. He leans forward on his elbows. “Do you still love me too?”
I blush. “Maybe …”
“Don’t tell me you’re still mad at me. I didn’t mean to make you feel … used. I wanted you so much, I got carried away in my own horniness. I let myself turn into something you don’t seem to like, which also worries me, because that’s who I am.”
“That’s who you are … the Hunter.”
“Right. I told you from the beginning I’m not nice when it comes to sex. I like it raw, and I like it rough. I can’t change that. If you really can’t handle it, then …”
“Don’t,” I interrupt. “I don’t want this to stand in between us.”
“Then what do you want? Asking me to hold back is hard. The first time was hard, and it’ll only get harder if I have to keep pretending to be something I’m not. I’m a fucker. I know that. Why do you think I didn’t want you to get involved with me in the first place?” The strained sound of his voice is hard to bear.
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