by Pike, Leslie
When I come back down to Earth, I get up and start to walk offstage. The crowd responds with a chant. “More! More! More!” they say. I’m shocked, and embarrassed, and just keep walking. As I look offstage, the manager is signaling me to get back out, mouthing the words, “Sing another one.” And so I do. I sing Patsy Cline’s “Crazy”, and Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”. Then I have to stop, because those are the only songs I’ve practiced till they’re second nature. Plus, I’m sure Victoria’s waited long enough for her turn on stage.
When I get backstage, the manager tries to convince me to go back out.
“Come on. Just sing a few more. Victoria took off when she heard your first song.”
“I can’t, but thank you so much for this opportunity. It was one of the happiest times of my life.”
I take his two hands in mine.
“Really. Thank you,” I say.
“Ok. But you can sing here from now on, every open mic night.” He turns to the sound man. “Cue the music.”
He takes a business card from his pocket and hands it to me.
“Call me, and we’ll arrange a proper time for you.”
“Thanks.”
As I walk back to get my guitar case, I pass Jersey Joey. He gives me a thumbs up.
“Told you, I’m psychic.”
“I guess you are.” I smile at my first fan.
No wonder he saw “nothin” about Victoria. Her performance never happened. I put my guitar case in the manager’s office, and work my way out to the main room, and across the dance floor, to Finn’s table.
“There she is!” says Jack, who’s facing me.
My friends turn toward me, and I’m showered in warmth and kind words. Finn gets up and grabs me, bends me backwards, and plants one on me. I’m happy he’s so enthused, but it’s a little too much PDA for my tastes. But mostly it’s the smell of liquor on his breath that’s upsetting. It reminds me of Kevin. My walls come up. It was always a bad moment for me, when alcohol made him lose any filters or boundaries. The night wouldn’t end well. Liquor on a man’s breath will always be a trigger. So I gently break Finn’s hold.
“Baby, you were really great,” he says with a slight slur.
His eyes are watery and half closed. This turns me off.
“Thanks. And thanks to you all. I was so nervous.”
I can feel the affection coming from everyone here. They’re supportive and smiling.
“I love that song, Esme,” Bliss says.
“And the voice. You’re so talented,” Nicki adds.
Finn puts his arms back around me. He stumbles a little. I see the faces looking at me. They’re reading my reaction, I know.
“Let me buy you a drink,” Finn says.
“No thank you. I don’t want one.”
“Come on baby, have a drink with me.”
He leans into me, and I feel the hot breath on my neck. Everyone’s silent. This is just too uncomfortable. To avoid a scene, I make the only decision I can.
“Kizzy, I think we should go. I’ve got a bit of a headache.”
Kizzy’s no fool. She picks up on my meaning immediately. And did I see a nod of approval coming from Bliss?
“That’s fine with me. We’ve got a busy work day tomorrow.”
She gets up and comes to my side. I see the look on Finn’s face, and it’s called confusion.
“What? You’re leaving?” he says.
“Yes. I’ll talk with you later. Call me.”
“Ok. I’ll call you as soon as I get home.”
I turn to the two tables of my friends and wave my goodbyes.
“Thanks again, friends. You were awesome to come.”
And we’re gone.
* * *
All the way home, Kizzy talks about my performance and how the people reacted. I think she’s trying to make sure my day ends on a good note. But I know she’s aware of what’s on my mind. So I come to the point.
“He has a drinking problem, right?”
“I’m afraid so. He had it once before, but I thought he had it beat.”
I just sit quietly for a moment.
“Kevin was a drinker too,” I say.
“I don’t think Finn’s anything like Kevin, honey. Not by a long shot.”
“I know. But haven’t I learned my lesson? Wasn’t Kevin enough to make me know I don’t want to be with an alcoholic, or anything close to that? How hard do I have to fall before I learn that?”
“You’re right. And that’s a thinking woman’s way to reason. I’m just saying make sure he’s not willing to change his behavior, before you make a final decision. And then if he isn’t willing to get help, don’t linger. Move on knowing you made the right choice.”
I just sit and think it all over, and over and over. I feel something so powerful for him, but I’m feeling something strong for myself too. I think it may be self-worth. And I’m not about to relinquish the tiny bit I have, for anyone. I need to find my own strength, and I’ve got so far to go. Then I want to be with a man who will be my champion. I want to love someone who deserves what I’m willing to give. I’ve never had that. And yet I believe it exists. I have faith without ever having seen it. This time around, I’m going to make sure it exists for me.
We pull into the hotel parking lot, and Kizzy finds an empty space right away. I feel my phone vibrate, but I’ll look at who called when I get to my room. I’m sure it’s Finn. I want to be prepared, and alone when I answer. This will be private, and I need to make sure I’m clear, and also gentle, about how I feel. I only hope Finn understands how much he means to me. But I need to be careful I don’t assume I mean the same to him. I know he likes me, and I know our sex is as otherworldly to him as it is to me. That’s not something that can be faked. At least not by me, and I’m pretty sure not by him. But that doesn’t mean he’ll be willing to stop drinking for me. I think he’d have to be way past like, to make that change. If we have any chance at making this last, he’s got to commit to being sober. Now that I know it’s been a problem in his past, it makes it all the more serious. No wonder the people in his life are watching him as they do. Please God, help me help this good man. I want this to work so badly.
* * *
When I get back to my room, I put my guitar case down and grab a cold water from the refrigerator. Once in my bedroom, I put my cell by the bed, and I take off my sweater, boots and jeans. That’s the beauty of living alone. You can walk around in your underwear and never give it a second thought. And this underwear is so pretty. After Finn’s and my first night together, I bought some prettier things for him to take off me. These leopard and lace bra and panties are lovelier than any I’ve had before. And sexier. I remember I haven’t locked the deadbolt. So I go back and do just that. Just when I turn to walk away, there’s a loud knock on the door. I jump ten feet. And then I hear Finn’s drunk voice.
“Esme! It’s me, open up,” he yells.
Oh crap. I do not want my neighbors seeing or hearing any of this. So I open the door. There he stands, or should I say leans, against the wall.
“Hey, darlin’.”
Damn him. He’s so sexy and I’d love to…wait, stop that Esme.
“Get in here,” I say.
I grab him by the arm and pull him inside. He tries to kiss me, but he can forget that idea.
“Stop it! You’re drunk, and I’m not interested.”
“What? I’m not drunk. Drinkin’s just a part of my soul. Come on.”
He’s slurring like an Irish poet on a bender.
“Sit down. I’m going to make us coffee.”
He grabs me around the waist.
“Oh, I like those sexy panties, bra leopard whatevers.”
He starts laughing at how stupid he sounds. I don’t find it funny at all. He spins me around, so my back is to him. Then he gets a little too aggressive. He puts a hand down the back of my panties. I can feel his hot breath on the back of my neck.
“You goin’ to let
me in there? You’ll love it. I promise I’ll be gentle,” he says.
I take his other hand and dig my fingernail into his palm. That kills the mood. I move away.
“Ow!”
“Go sit down.”
He stumbles toward the bedroom and flops on my bed, face down. I’m screwed now. I’ll never get him out. I go back to the kitchen and begin to make the coffee, when my cell rings. Before I can get to it, I hear Finn pick up.
“You’ve reached Esme’s Pleasure Palace,” he says.
I go to him and try to wrestle the phone from his hand. He keeps it from me.
“Helloooooo?”
Nobody’s answering. He shrugs his shoulders and holds the phone out to me. I hear the disconnect. But I need no other information, to know who called. It was him. It was Kevin. I start crying. This stumps Finn, who’s in a world of his own.
“Just some idiot. I could hear him breathing. What are you cryin’ about, darlin’?”
“That was Kevin,” I say.
“No. it was just a prank call. Don’t be paranoid.”
That’s it. I go off on him. I grab my robe from the chair and cover myself. I start pacing the room, just to keep me from going mad.
“I am not paranoid! You have no idea what I’ve been through. And for you to make light of the fact that a man who has no hesitation in hurting me, or coming after me, may have just found me, really pisses me off. And by the way, do you think putting your hand down my pants, when you’re too drunk to stand, is a turn on? It isn’t. Not in the least. It’s sloppy and crass. You’re too damn drunk to think clearly. You should NEVER have answered MY phone. You should NEVER have said Esme’s Pleasure Palace. You put me in jeopardy tonight. Your drunk idiotic behavior put me in jeopardy, “darlin’.”
I put every emphasis I can muster on my air quotes. Then I realize I’m talking to a man who’s passed out cold.
Chapter Sixteen
Finn
I hear a phone sounding relentlessly. One eye opens to the blinding light coming in through the window. Oh my fucking head. Shit. Where am I? I roll over and reach for the irritating phone beside the bed.
“What!” I say.
“It’s Paul. Esme told me where you were. I’m coming up. We’ve got to get you to the set. You’re late.
I just hang up. Is there really anything to say? I messed up. Now it’s all coming back to me. I look around the room, and see in my mind’s eye last night’s scene. Why can’t I be the kind of drunk who conveniently forgets all the stupid and hurtful things he did? That was never one of my gifts. I always remember every detail. My father used to tell me that may have been what saved me all those years back. Shame for the things I remembered. I hear the familiar voice of my better self. Here he is again, my uninvited companion. He’s back, asking for my attention.
There’s Paul’s knock. I sit up, and as the blood rushes to my head, everything hurts and pounds. Boom…boom…boom. I feel like shit. Before I make it to the door, there’s another, louder knock.
“Fuck! I’m coming.”
I open the door to find Paul carrying a fresh shirt and pair of jeans.
“What a night,” I say.
I take the clothes from him and wait for his lecture.
“It’s today you better worry about.”
He follows me back to the bedroom. I’m hurrying to change clothes.
“Is Steven mad?”
“What do you think? They had to change the shooting schedule. You weren’t there for the first two shots, and BB was on a tear about it.”
“Crap. Well, it’s only a few hours. We can make it up.”
He grabs me by the arm.
“Stop it! Quit making light of this. You’re slipping, brother. You need to get a hold of this now. I don’t know what happened between you and Esme last night, but she’s upset about something. And your friends? Every last one of them is worried about you. We’re worried you’re about to fall and lose everything you’ve worked for. All for what? Face it, Finn. You’re an alcoholic, and you need help.”
“I know. I’m going to stop,” I say.
“This time you can’t do it alone. You need to go to AA. Let’s be real.”
I sit back on the bed, head in my hands. Paul just walks in the other room and pretends he’s getting coffee. I know better. He’s leaving me alone with my thoughts. He wants me to take in what he’s said. I’m scared. Mostly because I have to stop drinking. Scared I won’t have the strength to. Scared it’s too late to. I know how hard it is to quit. But what kind of a man would I be if this ball and chain was always with me? If I continue to ignore what’s happening, it’ll only progress. It’ll fester until I’ve lost everything dear to me and poison everything good in me. That road is so familiar.
And now all the memories of last night come clear. Esme, and how I ruined her special moment. Me, putting my hand down her pants, in a crude sexual gesture. The phone call and my bad decision to be flippant with my answer. She was right, I put her in jeopardy. I put the woman that means so much to me in a horrible position. And it could cost her her life. Then I remember the fear in her eyes. And the disappointment. I was so cavalier when I did those things. There’s no running from that fact. Fuck me.
I pull on my shirt and go to Paul.
“Ok,” I say.
“Ok you’re going to make a change?”
“Yeah. I’m ready.”
See Paul, you didn’t even have to ask.
* * *
My stomach is churning, as we walk onto the set. Not just because I haven’t eaten in fifteen hours, but more so because I’m nervous about seeing almost every person here. I’m sure word has spread that I made an ass out of myself at Tempo’s, or that I’m a drunk and a prick. Maybe all three. I can’t dispute any of those charges. This is the price I need to pay for my foolish misconduct.
They’re shooting a scene now. Everyone not in the shot is standing perfectly still and staying silent. We all stop in our tracks, until we hear Steven yell “Cut!” It’s like a freeze frame in a movie, which suddenly comes to life. Conversations resume and people continue with whatever they were doing. Except for one thing. I’m acutely aware that all eyes are on me. At least most of them. The worst part is that I sense an embarrassment for me. As if I’m a poor soul, who can’t be expected to behave in public.
“I’m going to talk with Steven,” I say to Paul.
He can see me coming from fifty feet away, but he doesn’t break eye contact. This is uncomfortable. I’ve got a feeling that thought’s going to be going through my head on a loop. When I get within a few yards, he addresses me. He’s not smiling, or looking forgiving.
“Not now, Finn. Come to my trailer at lunch. In the meantime, get into wardrobe,” Steven says.
I stop in my tracks. I’m being dismissed. Well, he has every right to be pissed off. I’ll take my punches like a man. The sooner I do that the better. Then I can move on to the hard work ahead. I can’t believe I let myself get caught up with this again. The one thing in my favor is that I’ve only been at it for a short time. Six weeks to be exact. Maybe it’ll be easier to quit this time. Yeah, right. That’s a lie a drinker tells himself. Or a smoker, or a drug addict. I don’t really believe time has anything to do with it. One drink, one cigarette, one hit of cocaine, and you’re sucked right back in. it’s almost worse, because you get a taste of the high you were always chasing, but lost when your pleasure became your addiction. When you relapse, the high hasn’t dulled yet, because there’s been a break in your ingestion of the poison. I know intellectually, exactly how it works. Now I just have to tackle the emotional component.
I walk back to where Paul stands, at the craft service table.
“I’m going to Wardrobe. Want to come?” I say.
“No. you need to speak to her alone. Anyway, I’m going to do some digging. We need to find an AA meeting.”
“See if I can do it privately. If I go to a meeting, I’m going to be the focus of attention. I
don’t want to do that to the other people there. Just see if it’s possible.”
“Alright. We’ll figure it out. But you need to start now. Today.”
He walks away before I can protest. I wasn’t really going to, but already I feel the desire to just have one more drink. I guess I better get used to that mother fucker.
All the way to the Wardrobe truck, I go over what I’m going to say. We’ve never fought before, so I don’t know what to expect. And to be honest, this really isn’t a fight. It’s me doing something ridiculous, and her being mad for having to pay the price. I climb the steps to the truck and see Kizzy’s the only one there. She doesn’t have her usual welcoming expression.
“Hi. Is Esme around?” I say
“No. She got a call, and I told her to take it in the honey wagon.”
“How is she?”
“She’s afraid.”
“Did she tell you what happened?
“She told me Kevin called, and you answered.”
“Do you know that guy’s story? How serious is this?”
“It’s way beyond serious. That guy’s an abuser and maybe something of a psycho. Do not underestimate what he will do. He’s hurt her before, when she was under his control.”
“He better never show up here. I’ll take him down.”
“Stop it. None of your macho bullshit’s going to help her. Don’t do something foolish. You need to protect her by using your brain, not by doing what you did last night.”
Fuck me. Kizzy touches my arm and her expression softens.
“Finn, this girl is a gem. And I don’t have to tell you she needs someone steady by her side. So if you can’t be that guy, you should let her go now. I know you’re having some struggles of your own, but what she’s going through is so much graver than your bad choices.”
“I have no intention of letting her go, or letting her be hurt. You’ve been a really good friend to her. She admires you. I do too. So know this, I’m determined to make things right for the both of us,” I say.
“Ok then. That’s a tall order. If there’s anything I can do to help either one of you, let me know.”