by Pike, Leslie
“Thanks, Kizzy.”
I head for the honey wagon, and I know this is going to be a difficult sell. I have to convince Esme I’m going to deliver on my intentions. She’s got to believe me, before I’m day one into my sobriety. She’s got to know I’m going to follow through. Here we go. I knock on the door.
The door opens, and I see she’s still on the phone. She motions for me to come in. There’s a worried look on her face. I take a seat and wait.
“Grandma, I’m going to call you again tonight. I want to hear you say you won’t open the door to anybody, or go out alone,” Esme says.
Her grandmother must be trying to calm her, because Esme’s just nodding in agreement.
“Alright. I love you. Talk to you tonight.”
She disconnects and looks up at me.
“Esme, I’m so sorry. I know I put you in a bad spot, and I’ll do whatever it takes to correct that.”
She just starts at me, without responding. So I just keep talking.
“Also, I understand how out of hand my drinking has become. I don’t know if you knew, but I had this problem before. I licked it seven years ago, and I’ll do it again.”
Instead of calming her, it looks like she’s getting angrier.
“That’s nice for you, but there’s no correcting my problem. Unless you can erase last night. I know it wasn’t your doing that he found me, but it’s your doing that he knows a man was answering my phone, and that man was very familiar. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do, but clearly I can’t stay at the hotel. I don’t know how much he knows.”
Oh no. Her face changes from anger to fear, in a matter of seconds. Then she starts crying. She wipes away the tears, but they are falling too fast.
“Damn it! I didn’t want to cry in front of you. I’m stronger than that.”
I go to her and hold her close. She doesn’t resist.
“I know you’re strong. You may be the toughest person I know. Listen, you’re going to stay with me.” I say.
“No I’m not. What if he comes after me? He’d kill you. And I don’t want to be with you. Your problems are way too big for me to handle right now. I need to take care of myself.”
I look into her soulful eyes.
“What if we do this? You stay with me at my place. You’ll have two strong men to protect you. Paul worked in a prison. He’d be able to handle your husband. And so would I. And here’s what we’ll do. You take my bedroom, and I’ll sleep on the couch in the living room I sleep there half the time already. We’ll take sex off the table for now. Just until you can be convinced about my sobriety, and just until you want my comfort. You’ll have no pressure from me. Just say yes, Esme.”
“No. I think it would be wrong.”
“How? It would be good for us all. Paul and I will protect you. You and I will help Paul with his broken heart. He and BB broke up. And on top of all that, you and Paul will be my sober companions, helping me put my drinking behind me.”
“I don’t know.”
“Also, darlin’, you’d see how serious I am about stopping drinking. I need you to see I’m determined to be the good man you deserve. I know I can’t be that man if I continue to drink.”
She completely breaks down now. There’s no holding back her fears. I hold her close and don’t let go until she agrees my plan is best.
* * *
Day one of my intended sobriety, and I’m working hard to patch the holes in my dyke. Now it’s Steven I have to convince to give me another chance. He’s not going to fire me this close to wrapping the film, but he could influence my career going forward. All he’d have to do is tell the truth. And now I’m standing at his trailer’s door, hoping to persuade him not to do that. I knock.
“Come in,” I hear him say.
I walk in to find him sitting at the table, the script and the latest revisions spread out in front of him.
“Sit down, Finn.”
“First of all, I want to apologize for today. It’ll never happen again.”
He looks me in the eyes.
“I hope not, but your assurances don’t hold much weight. We’re almost finished filming, so just please stay sober while you’re at work. This is my chance at directing, and I’d like it if you don’t fuck it up for me. Don’t bring me down with you. What you do on your off hours is not my business. Bliss is one of your biggest supporters, and that’s saying something, after what she went through with you. She asked me to be respectful of you when I say, get your fucking shit together. So there. I didn’t say everything I want to.”
I can’t blame him for not giving two shits about me. He probably wonders what Bliss saw in me in the first place. I could tell him, but that wouldn’t help my case.
“I’m sure anything I tell you now won’t ease your mind. So I’ll just say I’m serious about quitting. And Steven, I’d feel bad if this is how it ended between us. I want to get back to the relationship we had before I fucked things up,” I say.
“That would be great. But it’s all just talk, before it isn’t. Is there any way we can help you? Are you planning on going to AA?” he says.
“I am. I will be anyway. I’m hoping to start tonight. Either way, the drinking is done.”
“Good. I hope that’s true, for both our benefits. Now let’s talk about this afternoon’s scenes.” We’ve still got a half day of light.”
Chapter Seventeen
Paul
What a day. It reminds me of my mindset when I was at San Quentin. The only difference is I can’t walk away from these people. There are no bars or steel doors separating me from them. Here, I’m one of the inmates, and I’m contributing to the bedlam. Everyone’s on edge and wound tight. I’ve been watching BB hold court with the stuntmen. Oh yeah, they’re all having a grand time. She’s teasing them, and they’re loving it. To make matters worse, these guys aren’t out of shape, or out of testosterone. They’re self-assured young men, ready for anything she’d be willing to offer. All she’d have to do is say the word. And she’s swinging her long legs, as she sits on the back of one of the trucks. That’s her “tell”. When she swings her legs like that, she’s excited. At least that’s how I read her. Maybe she’s doing it for my benefit, because every so often, I catch her looking at me. She’s wondering if I’m watching. I am my dear.
Then there’s Finn. He’s been very quiet and focused on his scenes all afternoon. But I can see behind the eyes, that there’s a struggle going on. That makes sense. He wants a drink. On top of that, he’s hung over from last night’s debacle. I can almost hear the conversation he’s having with himself. I’m sure he’s saying one drink would just take the edge off and make quitting for good so much easier. Then he’s thinking maybe he should just taper down, instead of the cold turkey routine. He’s just going to have to vie with himself, every step of the way. Winner takes all.
It’s easy to announce you’re going to stop something you’re addicted to. Then you actually have to do the work. Drugs, cigarettes, booze, even something as innocuous as food. When you vow to eat healthier, it’s usually after a big meal. It almost sounds easy. Then comes morning, and all you can think of is bacon. It’s the kickoff of new behavior that’s the hardest step. The beginning when every thought wrestles with your resolve. Only most of us don’t see that. We think the proclamation is the rub. Saying and doing are the two different animals we have to deal with.
As soon as he’s free to talk, I’ll tell Finn about the meeting tonight. He won’t be happy, but that’s not a factor. I’m going to use my influence while it still holds some sway. If he’s serious about avoiding the avalanche of alcoholism, he’ll find shelter in AA.
I see Jack walking toward me. He’s in the robe and tennis shoes he changed into after the last scene. He’s eating a cup of yogurt. This has become a routine. Thanks to Jack’s star power, Production agreed to provide an on set gym, housed in one of the trucks. It’s outfitted in weights and equipment, per Jack’s specific instructions. It
’s for his use only, or for whomever he invites to join him. You’d think he’d be bombarded with requests to use the equipment, but no. Seems everyone knows not to do that.
At least once a day, Jack, Finn and I get in a workout. Well, Jack and I lately. Finn was religious about it at first, but as his drinking progressed, his will to exercise regressed. But this week and the next, both Jack and Finn will be without a shirt in a few scenes. So they’re making sure everything looks good for the ladies. Or as Jack said, “For my gays too. They don’t call it ‘jacking off’ for nothing.”
“Paul, you ready?” Jack says.
“Let’s do it.”
As we walk toward the truck, Jack tosses his empty yogurt cup, like a basketball, into the trash can, three feet away. Every day he does that, and says the same thing when he makes a basket.
“Score!”
“Is Finn joining us?” I say.
“Yeah.”
That’s a surprise. Maybe it’ll be a distraction. I wonder how much Jack knows.
“Did you find an AA meeting?” he says.
That answers my question.
“I’m glad he told you. Yeah, I found one. But it’s not going to be private like he wanted,” I say.
“I know lots of celebrities who have gone to AA. None of them have gone to private meetings. I’m sure you can find one in L.A., but if he’s serious, he’ll go wherever he needs to.”
We climb the steps into the truck. Jack takes off his robe and hangs it on the nearby hook. He wears the same workout clothes every day, long loose shorts, with a sleeveless white T. I think he wears the robe on set, because he goes commando. Balls to the wall commando. He has this theory, that wearing underwear while you work out is restricting the flow of chi through your body. He says the natural energy of the universe needs a clear path to move along his meridians. Finn likes to bust his chops about that every time we’re in here.
This place is a micro gym, with mirrors on both sides, and a pyramid of various sized weights in the far corner. There’s a flat bench, elliptical, a fly machine and a treadmill. It’s surprising what can fit in one truck. Jack gets on the treadmill and starts running. I grab a couple of weights and begin my curls.
“You think Finn’s going to do it?” I say.
“Yep.”
“You’re pretty sure of yourself.”
“I’m pretty sure of him. He’s going to right himself.”
I hear Finn climb the steps. He walks inside.
“Hey.”
“Join us,” Jack says.
“I’ve got to change. I just came by to talk.”
He’s still dressed as a priest, but they’re filming the scenes where his characters searching on the mountain, for the kidnapped nun. So he’s got dirt smeared on his pants and jacket, and his collar is bent and torn. He’s still in makeup too. He has a fake cut on his cheek, and his fingernails are caked with dirt.
“How’re you feeling?” I say.
“Like shit.”
“I found a meeting for you tonight.”
“That’s what I came to talk with you about.”
Here it comes. He’s going to try to get out of it.
“Esme’s going to be staying with us. It’s a long story, and I’ll fill you in later, but the short version is, her ex is a dick, and he may be trying to find her.”
“We’ll get her some security,” Jack says.
“I’m going to talk with the on-set cops, but she doesn’t want people to know her business. And she doesn’t want this to affect her job.” Finn says.
“The good thing is we’ll be out of here in a few weeks,” I add.
“Anyway, she’ll be coming home with me tonight, after we get her things at the hotel. So I was thinking maybe I’ll just start the meetings when I get back to L.A.”
Jack stops his treadmill.
“Don’t be foolish. You’ve got Paul to watch over her while you’re at AA. Right, Paul?”
“Right. The meeting starts at nine. It’s out of town a ways and there are only five other guys. You need to be there. But you’re going to have to make that decision. Otherwise you’re not going to do it. Make the commitment,” I say.
“A few days doesn’t make a big difference. Maybe I’m not ready. Have you considered that, Paul?”
“Get ready.”
We’re watching the look on Finn’s face. He knows he has to do it, but that doesn’t erase the fact that we’re pissing him off. Our sense of friendship, and our steadfast commitment to not listen to his excuses, is pissing him off. No matter how real those excuses may be, he’s our first priority. Not Esme. He exits the truck, with one last remark aimed at Jack.
“When are you going to contain those balls? The treadmill isn’t your best option. Not unless Nicki likes low hangers.”
Jack just laughs and calls out to him.
“She loves them. I don’t even have to sit on her face. I just squat.”
* * *
Back on set, we’re waiting for one of BB’s and Jack’s scenes to be filmed. He’s taking the nun to a remote cabin on the mountain, where he plans on raping and killing her. It’s a brutal few pages of script, which will take both actors considerable skills. BB’s minus her veil, because Father Adrian has ripped it from her head. He on the other hand, still wears his collar. That’s part of his psychosis. He likes to rape his victims while he’s still dressed in his clerical clothes. He and I are far enough away from the crew to have a private conversation.
“What’s up with you and BB?” he says.
“It’s a mess. I told her something about me that she didn’t take well.”
“You mean the fact that you’re a priest?”
“How’d you know?”
“It’s just something I sensed. I put the puzzle pieces together. Women, clothes, it’s hard to hide the fact that they’re new to you. But obviously our BB didn’t guess the truth.”
“No. It was stupid of me to keep it from her. At first it made sense, but I should have told her when things were starting to get serious. Got any advice for a rookie?” I say.
“Yeah, I do. You’re dealing with a woman who has a great sense of herself. Don’t underestimate that. This isn’t your high school girlfriend, who gets her identity from you. You need to respect that, and you need to understand what it means.”
“I respect her. And I’m glad she doesn’t need me to make her whole.”
“It’s more than that. I’m with the same kind of woman. Believe me brother, they’re worth the trouble. Confidence is a turn on. Women have known that for centuries. I think men are just figuring it out. What men need to learn is that a woman who knows who she is, also knows who she isn’t. She isn’t someone who puts up with bullshit. She doesn’t put up with lying, or with a man who thinks he can play her. She never makes excuses for our bad behavior. She’d rather walk away and find a man who is more equal to the task.”
“I wasn’t playing her,” I say.
“You were. You were hiding your identity, so she wasn’t really seeing who you are.”
I can’t argue his point. I just want to know how to fix things.
“How can I get her to give me another chance?’
“I have no idea. I have enough trouble keeping up with my own woman. I do know this though, you need to decide what’s ahead for you. Are you going to stay in the priesthood? Because if you are, what’s the point of getting BB to give you another chance? Make your decision, then worry about your next move.”
Point taken.
My cell signals I’ve got a text.
“I’ll talk with you later. I’ve got to go assault a nun right now,” Jack says.
He walks off, and I check my message. It’s from Bliss. She’s gone to San Francisco with Nicki for a few days, for business. She wants to know if I’ve spoken to Finn and asks that I keep her posted. I fire off a quick response and let her know his first meeting is tonight. I’ve had the thought more than once, that Finn is damned lucky to have an
ex-wife like Bliss. She genuinely cares. He’s surrounded by people who support him. But now he’s going to have to rely on the one person who doesn’t seem to care that he fucks things up. Himself.
I silence my cell and put it in my back pocket. I learned that lesson the hard way. The first week of shooting, my phone rang out loudly right in the middle of a dramatic scene. They had to reshoot. Steven was very forgiving about me ruining his shot, but it’s a mistake I won’t be making twice.
For the rest of the day, I fade into the background, content to watch and listen and give my opinion when asked. And I think about the fact that actors often say they have to draw on personal stories and struggles when they’re called on to express sadness or intense emotions. I think I’ve figured out BB’s inspiration for her tears in today’s scenes.
* * *
We made it back to the condo with only a few moments to spare, until Finn had to leave for his meeting. Esme and I look as beat as he did. She’s stressed not only about her husband, but about having to move in with us. And I’m lost in my thoughts, moving toward my big decision. Having something playing on a loop in your head is maddening. We need to stop and regroup. She’s been in Finn’s room, finding places for her things. I knock on the open door and peek in. I’ve got two Pepsi’s in my hands.
“Let’s take a break. We can talk about dinner,” I say.
She stops unpacking and looks up at me. I think she’s grateful for the interruption.
“I’ll have the Pepsi, but I’m really not hungry. Maybe I’ll just have a bowl of cereal.”
She follows me to the living room, and we both take a seat on the couch. I stretch my legs out and rest my feet on the coffee table. She curls her legs under her and takes a drink.
“This has been one hell of a day,” I say.
“Everything was going good, until it all started to fall apart,” Esme says.
“Finn told me you’re having some issues with your ex.”
“He’s not my ex. But he will be as soon as I can make that happen.”