by Pike, Leslie
“Ahhh,” I sigh contently.
The sea air feels good on my face. The ocean is loud this morning, with its big crashing waves. And I can taste the salty mist all the way up here. It’s a sensory exhibit of nature’s best.
I’m always warm now, so I like to sit out here and cool down. My husband obviously doesn’t share my body temperature. He’s wearing a coat.
“Being almost six months pregnant has its benefits,” Jack says as he rubs my aching feet.
I look at my fat toes and ankles resting on his lap and marvel at how fast my body has changed and morphed into something new, all in preparation for a life.
“I used to have such pretty feet. Where did they go?”
He wiggles my big toe. “I know where this one went. This little piggy went to market.”
God, I adore the man.
“I love you,” I say just because the feeling inside demands release.
“I love you too. Every day of my life.”
I look around at the gorgeous scene. It’s morning, and it’s December but I hardly notice a change in the weather. “It still feels like October.”
He stops the rubbing and checks his watch. “I’ve got to get over to Carol’s”
I feel my shoulders fall. “Oh, do you have to? We’ve got the rehearsal at six; can’t you just skip it this once?”
He gently lifts my legs from his lap and sets my fat feet on the ground.
“No, I really can’t. She called this morning and sounded stressed. Maybe it’s something about John. She asked me to come. You understand, right?” he says hopefully.
“I guess. Anne’s already working in the office, she said she had a hundred calls to make. Hopefully she’s exaggerating. The crew will be here at ten to start the decorating. They’ll be doing it all except for the flowers. That comes tomorrow.”
He stands. “Don’t you be doing anything strenuous. No ladder climbing, please,” he says offering his hand.
I take his hand. “I won’t be doing any of it. Bliss will be here to go over things with Anne; they’ll handle it all.”
“See, you don’t need me here, and Bliss will keep you company. You just want me around to rub your feet.”
He leans over and kisses the top of my head.
“Not true. And please, Jack, don’t be late. I’d hate for you to miss any of the rehearsal. You can’t have one without the best man and the matron of honor.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be back by three at the latest.”
My eyes follow him as he walks away, up the steps and into the house. Something’s not sitting right with me. Why does he always say he’s going to Carol’s and never says he’s going to John’s? Oh, Nicki stop it right now. I’m not seriously worried about an eighty-year-old woman am I? But they seem to be talking on the phone more lately. Not that I’m eavesdropping, but hers is the only call he gets then takes to another room. He told me early on it’s because he doesn’t want to interrupt whatever I’m doing at the time. But why is it only that particular conversation he’s worried about? I can’t help but feel I may be missing another piece of the puzzle.
Picking up my cell I check the time. It’s only nine, so I’ve got an hour. Maybe a little nap will shake off this vague uneasiness. So I go back inside and stretch out on one of couches in the great room. Lately the steps up to our bedroom look like Mt. Everest. I’m much more tired than I thought I’d be at this point in my pregnancy. I see other expectant mothers running marathons. Maybe it’s my age. I cover myself with the quilt Grandma made and fluff the soft pillows behind my head and under my arm. My eyes close and my hand goes to my belly.
“Let’s go to dreamland, sweet baby mine.”
I wake up crying. What a disturbing dream, and it’s left my heart racing with its effect. The baby was stillborn, and Jack was nowhere to be seen. The doctor was of all people, Carol, and she kept telling me he wasn’t going to come. My heart was breaking.
Throwing the quilt off me I stand just in time to hear the doorbell. I know the housekeeper will get it for me. I’m being babied by everyone now. It’ll be Bliss and I’m glad of that. I need my girl.
“Hi little mama,” she says walking into the room.
She sees my face and immediately reads me right. “What’s wrong? Have you been crying?”
I wave it off and begin folding the quilt.
“I had a horrible dream. Just now. It’s nothing.”
Bliss comes to me and offers a hug. “Oh no. I hate those kind that make you cry.”
“I’m a mess lately. It’s just the state of things. Don’t worry.”
She’s not convinced.
“You know I’m here for you. If you need anything or just want to vent.”
I change the subject and put on a happy face. It’s my best friend’s wedding weekend, and I’m not about to be Debby Downer.
“No venting today. I’m too excited. Do you realize you’re going to be married tomorrow? Tomorrow!”
Her face lights up with the joy I know she feels deep in her soul. I remember how swept away I was with my wedding. It’s overwhelming in the best possible way. Nothing can compare with how a bride feels knowing she’s about to marry the one.
“Honest to God, Nicki, I’m cool and collected. I couldn’t be any more ready.”
I believe her. Steven and Bliss seemed destined just as Jack and I are. The matches are true. It’s what comes later that will test their strength.
“What’s Steven doing?” I ask, motioning her to follow me to the kitchen.
“He’s packing for Pacific Grove. We’re leaving tomorrow night.”
“The party will still be rockin’ here.”
“I’m sure of that. But we’ll be starting our honeymoon,” she says with a gleam in her eye.
“Are you packed?”
“Of course. You know men, they wait till the last minute.”
“If it was up to Jack he’d take a pair of shorts and a T-shirt wherever we go. He’d stick a toothbrush in his pocket and that would be the extent of things.”
“I’s a good thing they have other talents,” she says smiling like a Cheshire cat.
I hand Bliss a cup of coffee and pour one for myself. We both take a seat at the counter.
“Hope you don’t mind, it’s decaf.”
“I don’t mind. So have you heard any more from BB?”
I roll my eyes. “Oh my God. She’s called me ten times since the bachelor party. Actually she’s trying to talk with Jack again, but he’s tired of hearing about it. He talked to her for half an hour and told her everything he knows. He swears nothing happened when he was with Paul. And he has no idea how he got lipstick on his pants because there were no women on the bus or off.”
“What do you mean while he was with him?”
“Paul was so blitzed he couldn’t stand by himself. When they finally made it to Flemings he went in with them, but halfway through the dinner he had to be carried out. Finn and Ben took him back to the bus and that’s where they left him.”
“Did you see the videos and pictures from the bars and the restaurant online?”
“Yeah, I saw them. Paul looked catatonic,” I say.
“You know as stupid as it sounds, I believe what they’re telling us. And I actually don’t doubt Paul either.”
“One hundred percent. But we do sound like the dumbest chicks in the United States.”
We start laughing at our own possible naiveté and more probable unshakeable trust.
The doorbell sounds.
“Here they are! Oh I’m so excited!” Bliss says happily.
She’s up and off to answer the door before I can respond.
Hours later I’m alone, waiting for Jack. The house is beautifully decorated for tomorrow. My cell rings.
“Hello?” I say calmly. I see it’s him.
“I know I’m late. Is anyone there yet?”
His voice sounds odd. Has he been crying?
“No one’s here yet, but they wil
l be soon. What’s happening? You said you’d be back by three. It’s five o’clock.”
“I know that. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Things got complicated here. I’ll explain when I get home,” he says darkly.
“Okay. Want me to lay out some clothes for you?”
“No. I’ll take care of it. Talk to you when I get there.” He says it quickly, as if he has to get the words out before he breaks down. Then he disconnects.
I don’t know what’s happening, but I hope it doesn’t color the wedding or the mood. I can swallow my fears for a few days, because I need to be present and happy for Bliss. She deserves a proper Matron of Honor, and I’ll make sure she has one. Whatever’s happening with Jack’s friends will have to be put on the back burner. I expect him to be able to put it there too.
So when I hear him finally walk in the door, I’m calmly waiting to talk. But as he enters the living room I see right away that something’s wrong. His eyes don’t scan the wedding decorations or even notice. It’s as if nothing in the house is changed. He looks at me and I see something bad hiding behind his eyes.
“What? What happened?” I ask gently.
He walks to where I’m sitting and takes a seat in the chair next to me. It scares me that he’s barely able to get out what he needs to say. His eyes well with tears.
“Apparently Carol has cancer. It’s advanced and…” His voice trails off and the tears start streaking his face.
“Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. I know how much she means to you. Come here,” I say holding my arms out.
He moves to the couch and settles in my embrace. He speaks so softly in my ear. “I’m shocked. I didn’t even know she was sick until about a month ago. I never considered this.”
He leans back and rests his head against the back of the couch.
“What kind of cancer does she have?”
“Thyroid. Metastasized.”
He starts crying. “Shit! Fucking shit!” he yells to no one.
Now I’m getting teary. They run down my cheek. “What about treatment?”
“It’s too late. Radiation, chemo, all too late. It’s spread to her lungs and probably bones already.”
“Christ.”
An angry look passes over his face.
“And she never asked me to go with her to the doctors or even to find the best ones for that matter.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
“Well, honey, that’s understandable. You’re a great friend, but that’s pretty private business.”
He just stares at me, his expression closed up, and I can’t quite read what he’s thinking. He doesn’t respond to my statement.
“How’s she taking it? And what about John? Has she told him yet?”
“She’s a warrior. Strong as steel. But she’s worried about him. That was the only time she cried in front of me, talking about what would become of him. He doesn’t know yet, but he knew something was wrong just looking at our faces. We had to suck it up and pretend everything was all right.”
I take his hand in mine. “Who do you think will look after him when she’s gone?”
And with that Jack loses control. He buries his head in his hands and cries with such genuine sadness it settles in my soul. Of course at this exact wrong moment the doorbell rings. The guests are here.
Jack stands. “I’m going to get myself together. Can you entertain them for a little while?
I’d do anything for him right now.
“Of course. I’ll take care of it all. Go.”
By the time Jack joins the rehearsal party he’s put on a happy face. Only I know it’s a mask. This may be his greatest acting job. I think they’ve all bought the lie. He’s charming and loving to his best friend and Bliss. The only thing missing is his smart ass sense of humor and that could be explained away by the fact that it’s not the right occasion to make yourself the center of attention.
It’s a pretty small group, with just the bride and groom, the officiant, Ben and Melanie, Carl and us. Anne is our program director and we just follow whatever she commands. We have a few run-throughs of tomorrow’s ceremony, and she makes sure we’re all on the same page. They’ll be no groomsmen to take people to specific sides. No his-side her-side separations dividing the guests. Only the first row will be cordoned off for the family.
Bliss and Steven look like an ad for the perfect couple. They’re beautiful, but more than that they’re caught up in each other’s orbit like two binary stars. They purposely avoid playing their music because they want us all to hear it for the first time in the right context. Jack had offered to get any artist they wanted to perform for the ceremony, but it was politely refused. Steven said even his friend couldn’t get these. That only made Jack push harder. He said there wasn’t a singer alive he couldn’t persuade with the right dollar sign at the end of the request. After all, we had Tony Bennett and Bruno Mars at our wedding. But our friends held steady, kept their choice to themselves and will be doing it their way.
Thankfully they didn’t want anything fancy for tonight’s gathering. It would have been torture for Jack to have had to go out. Instead we just had a catered buffet that Bliss and Steven paid for and planned. We just provided the setting. We had to eat in the great room because every other public and outdoor space is prepped for tomorrow. Things went smoothly, and we said our goodnights to the last guests by nine thirty. As soon as the door shuts, Jack’s face changes. It doesn’t relax, but quite the opposite. It tenses.
“That was hard,” he says taking me in his arms for comfort.
“Let’s go to bed, love. That will make us feel better.” I offer my best idea.
He kisses me on the forehead. “I’ll be up in a few. I’m going to have a drink and unwind.”
“Good idea. I’ll stay with you. Let’s sit and talk.”
He looks at me with a kind of tenderness I can’t decipher.
“No. you go on up. I don’t feel like talking tonight. I just need to think. We’ve got a big day tomorrow. You need your rest, honey.”
I know my man. There’s no sense in trying to persuade him to talk or listen when he wants to be alone. And I’m too tired to try. Sleep is what I need, blessed dreamless sleep.
* * *
I’m not about to tell Bliss anything about our drama. No matter how much I need her ear. Maybe when she’s back from the honeymoon, but not today. Your wedding days one of the only times you can expect people to keep their problems to themselves.
In a strange way it’s actually healing to shove our issues under the rug. For me it is anyway. That sounds pretty shameless considering how serious things are. But it’s not about burying our heads in the sand, it’s about knowing our priorities. I was asleep when Jack came to bed, and then this morning we hit the ground running. There’s no time to handle anything other than the wedding. So far things are going smoothly.
He’s helping Steven get ready in one of the guest rooms, while Bliss and I get our hair and makeup done in my bathroom. It easily fits the four of us, and there’s no lack of plugs. Mine was the easy job. I prefer to do my own makeup, especially since my dear husband badgered me into doing without most of my favorite products while I’m pregnant. As far as my hair goes, Debi created a French braided masterpiece. I’d never be able to recreate it, but it looks fabulous. But for the bride, well they’ve outdone themselves with that canvas.
“Absolutely beautiful, Bliss.”
She’s looking in the mirror and she’s got to be happy with the results. A woman couldn’t look more stunning. Her hair is a shiny rich brunette shade. But the way Debi blew it out it falls in a beautiful curl over her shoulders. It looks as if you could run your fingers through it and it would fall back into perfect placement, like an animated princess in a Disney’s movie. Her makeup has highlighted all her best features, but in truth the woman doesn’t really have a bad one. She’s all cheekbones and eyes, so her full lips are almost bare, just stained with a pale flesh-pink color. I bet it was diff
icult for Ronda to pick which feature to showcase, because they all stand out.
“I love it. You girls are artists. Thank you.”
Ronda comes behind Bliss and looks in the mirror at her masterpiece. “We couldn’t make either of you look bad if we tried.”
Bliss gives her hand a squeeze then looks at me.
“I guess it’s time. Let’s go get dressed. Because, did you hear? I’m getting married today.”
Chapter Fourteen
BLISS
I turn to face Nicki, and she starts crying. Then I start.
“Oh, Bliss. You look like an angel. No, a goddess. Stop crying! Your makeup!” she says holding up her hands in protest.
I turn back to the full-length mirror in her dressing room and admire my stunning wedding gown.
“I love it.”
Nicki walks around me, inspecting the dress from all sides.
“I have to say, it’s the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen. Steven’s going to have a heart attack when he sees you.”
I run my hands over the intricate cutouts of lace and delicate silk fabric.
“Everything’s from Paris and Milan. But it’s an Israeli designer.”
“The quality’s obvious. You really look beautiful.”
“You don’t think the neckline plunges too much do you?” I ask, hoping she doesn’t say yes.
“Are you kidding? It’s elegant and sophisticated. You’re completely covered where you need to be.”
“I love the sleeves, and how they’re opaque till you get down to this see-through lace and the covered buttons,” I say turning my wrist over to look at the fine handiwork.
“And those narrow panels of lace on the sides of your torso. Bliss, it’s magnificent. I’ve never seen a dress that defines class and sexuality so well, and at the same time. And by the way, your waist looks like it’s eighteen inches. I’m so jealous.”
I laugh a little. “No you’re not. You love your beautiful baby bump.”
“Yeah, I do.” She stands gauging her stomach’s growth in the mirror.
“How much time do we have?”
Nicki checks her cell. “An hour. I need to send the photographer up here.”