desolate (Grace Trilogy, Book One)

by Autumn Grey

  “Growing up without a father wasn’t easy, I won’t lie. Every night before I went to sleep, I’d get down on my knees next to my bed and pray to God he’d bring him back into my life. I’d write letters to Santa, asking him for one thing only—my dad. Every Christmas Day, I woke up early, hoping to find my father sitting in the rocking chair by the window, waiting for us.” After a moment of silence, I add, “It never happened.”

  I shake my head and smile at the memory of the five-year-old version of me, so hopeful and innocent.

  “I watched other kids bring their parents to school events. Sometimes, my mom couldn’t get time off from work. She had just gotten this new job as a maid for some rich guy, and she didn’t want to risk losing it. So I had no one there.” I shrug. “I don’t care what anyone says; my father is nothing but a coward who didn’t stick around and accept his responsibilities.”

  Suddenly, I’m feeling hot. Furious. I’m wearing too many clothes, and I’m sweating, and I need air. I knew I resented him, but now, this emotion inside me feels bigger.

  “Come here.” Sol tosses his shoes aside, reaches for my arm, and pulls me to his side. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. “God, Gracie. I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” he murmurs into my hair.

  “Same here,” I mutter into his chest. “I mean, all that stuff just poured out of my mouth . . . I had no idea I’d bottled up so much inside me.”

  “How do you feel?”

  I pull back and meet his gaze. “Slightly better. It’s just—you see now where my mom is coming from. She sacrificed everything for me, her dream to attend college. Her parents wanted her to take care of the problem so she could move forward with the plans they had for her, and when she refused, she was completely on her own after that. Without a second thought, she withdrew whatever little savings she had and moved to Portland.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and open my heart, letting the words bleed out of it. “Bev and her mom, Regina, helped my mom a lot when she moved to Portland. We moved out when I was about three years old, despite Regina insisting we should stay until my mom got back on her feet. I guess she didn’t want to overstay our welcome.

  “From what she told me later, she’d underestimated how challenging it would be being a single mom with no college education and an extra mouth to feed. Some of my earliest memories growing up were of various men, different ones every night, coming and going from our house. I must have been around four or five years old. She tried to shield me from her . . . activities, but it wasn’t easy. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment. I slept in the bedroom, and she slept on the couch in the living room. Then she got the job as a maid, and it kept her busy. I knew it wasn’t normal for men to walk in and out of our house, mostly during the night. Bev’s mom would pick me up from daycare when my mom couldn’t, and we’d spend the afternoon baking at her house.

  “Regina passed away a couple of years ago after contracting pneumonia. According to the doctors, her body became resistant to antibiotics and it finally gave out. She was like a grandmother to me.”

  I inhale quick breaths and squeeze my eyes shut to ease the ache in my chest. When I open them again, I find Sol taking in my features, and whatever he sees there has him cursing under his breath. His fingers cup my nape.

  “What happened to your grandparents?” He practically spits the words, his nostrils flaring.

  “I’ve only met them once. They visited us the summer I turned thirteen.”

  “And . . .?”

  I finally smile. “They’re a little snobby.”

  He chuckles.

  “They opened a college fund in my name after the visit.” I sigh, pressing my forehead to his chest. “Maybe they did it out of guilt for throwing out their daughter. I don’t know. My grandmother calls me every once in a while. I have a feeling they miss their only child, but they are too proud to admit it.”

  He clears his throat. “You know dads are supposed to be there for their kids and take care of them, right?”

  “I do.”

  “Yours doesn’t know what he’s missing.”

  I bump the side of his arm with mine and murmur, “That’s really sweet. Thank you.”

  The image of my mom, looking tired and worried, flashes inside my head, and suddenly, I want to go home and check on her. I lift my head to look up at Sol. “Please take me home? I need to talk to my mom before she goes to bed. She and I have this thing we do whenever one of us is pissed off with the other. We promised to never go to bed angry.”

  He kisses my forehead. After brushing the sand off our feet as best as we can, we slip on our shoes, and then he takes my hand in his. We start walking back toward the car. I didn’t realize we’d wandered so far from the parking lot, so it takes us longer than I’d imagined to get to his truck. Sol keeps throwing cautious glances in my direction as if he’s afraid I might disappear.

  “What do you want?” I ask, attempting to break this weird vibe around us.

  He stares at me, eyebrows creased. “Right now? Well, I want to take you home so you can talk to your mom.”

  I shake my head. “Earlier, you said you want things you have no business wanting.” My voice shakes on the last word, but I forge ahead, feeling brave all of a sudden. “What do you want? You never said.”

  The frown deepens. “It’s not important.”

  We stop in front of his truck.

  “I don’t agree with that. You are important. So whatever it is, is important, too. What do you want, Solomon Callan?”

  He rolls his eyes and ducks his head down, but I see his shy smile as he shoves his hands inside the pockets of his shorts. He stares down at his feet still covered in sand. For just a few seconds, I wonder if he’s going to answer my question.

  Then he takes a step forward, pulling his hands from his pockets, and rests them on my hips. He lifts his head just a little and stares at me through his lashes, smiling softly. We just stare at each other, hearts wide open.

  And for just an infinite second, I pretend we’re two people standing on the edge of forever.

  “I want—I want you. I want to kiss you just like that night at the diner.” He inhales sharply. “I see you everywhere. Even when I’m on my knees praying to God, I see you. It’s as if you’re that missing beat in my heart. I don’t know. It sounds stupid. I can’t really explain it. All I know is that it’s you. It’s always been you.”

  I blink up at him, my mind processing those words, but I think my brain cells are either fried or swooning because I’m still stuck on ‘It’s always been you.’

  And then, the impact of his words hits me. His feelings echo mine, but I’m not about to admit that to him. Instead, I hike on my tiptoes and press a kiss on the side of his mouth. He inhales sharply, and his hands tighten around my hips as he murmurs, “Gracie.”

  And that voice, the way my name sounds on his lips, half groan, half whisper, seals the deal for me.

  Holy crap. I’m so screwed.

  “Kiss me, Sol,” I whisper, cupping his jaw in my hands. “Forget for just one second you are you and I’m me. Let’s pretend we are two people standing under the stars reveling in this magical moment. This is our safe space. No one is watching us. Kiss me.”

  His forehead is bunched in a frown as indecision dances in his eyes as he stares at my mouth. Then it’s like a switch has been flipped inside him. He makes this sexy sound similar to a growl and mumbles, “Maybe Ivan was right. I need to get you out of my system. Maybe I’ll be able to move on after this.”

  And with that, he grips my hips tighter and walks me back until my backside hits the front of his truck. My back arches as I lean onto the hood, his body following mine as though we’re caught up in a dance only our bodies know.

  My dress bunches around my hips when I swing my legs up and wrap them around his waist. His narrow hips fit perfectly between my thighs, and the bulge in his shorts presses down on me. He shifts and oh my God. Oh, my freaking God! He hasn’t done anything yet, but I w
ant everything. I don’t know what it entails, but I want it so badly.

  His hand moves up to grasp the nape of my hair, his fingers knotting around the strands as though he’s afraid to lose control, then he watches me, his mouth pulling into that almost smile. His head lowers, and just before his lips meet mine, he smiles. Then he’s kissing me hard, letting his mouth rest on mine for several seconds. And when he starts moving it, my hands grab his shoulders, scared I’ll float away if I don’t hold on tight.

  My eyes fall shut on their own. Our groans fill the nightly sounds. My body writhes on top of the hard surface as I try to get closer to him. The hand on my hip slides up and under my back, and he lifts me as though I’m made of clouds, hugging me close. Lips still locked, he starts walking, and my eyes flip open. Within seconds, he’s already made it to the back. He breaks the kiss to catch his breath. I suck in a lungful of air, again and again.

  “Come on,” he rasps, opening the backseat door and setting me down on the faded leather. I have no idea how he managed to dig out the keys from his pocket and open the door, but I’m grateful for it.

  I scoot in, legs like jelly and my heart racing inside my chest. There’s no way I’m going to stop him, despite telling him we should try staying away from each other.

  Sol follows me inside and shuts the door. He shifts and turns until his large frame is on top of mine in the small space. Then without warning, we’re all over each other. Hands and mouths, tangled limbs, racing hearts. We’re gasoline. We’re fire.

  I reach down, brushing my fingers along his waistband, tentatively moving my hands to the front of his shorts. He sucks in a deep breath, closing his eyes, and swallows hard. Feeling brave, I snap open the first button and tug down the zipper. I glance down as my hands push the shorts over his hips and dip into the—

  Tap, tap, tap.

  The insistent knocking on the window yanks me back to reality. Sol scrambles to cover me with his body even though I’m still dressed, then looks over his shoulder.

  “Jeez, guys. You realize anyone can see you, right?” the guy yells, jerking a thumb to the lamp next to the car.

  “Shit,” I mutter, sitting up while Sol hoists himself up and pulls up his shorts. “Sorry.”

  He waves his hand. “Keep that shit behind closed doors.” Then he turns and strides away to join a group of guys a few feet away.

  Laughter bubbles up my throat. I slap a hand over my mouth, but the sound slips out anyway. Sol’s hands pause, and he looks at me, his face still flushed, and his lips swollen from the kiss. He shakes his head and chuckles. When he’s done and the laughter fades, we watch each other, acknowledging what almost happened.

  Disappointed spreads through my chest, but at the same time, I wonder if it was a blessing in disguise. Lust makes people stupid and reckless. He would’ve probably regretted it later. How can I live with myself after that?

  I force a smile and say, “Saved by the knock, huh?”

  Sol exhales and steps out of the car without a word, slipping into the driver’s seat. I follow him out and join him in the front.

  Tension curls around my shoulders and need burns a hole in my chest. I grip the wheel tight to stop my hands from shaking. I’m still reeling from the kiss and what almost happened in the truck at the beach.

  Oh, God. I was so close. So close to having sex with her. And I’m not sure what disturbs me more; the fact we almost lost our virginity in a truck, of all the places, or the fact that I can’t stop asking myself, what if I chose her?

  I blink several times to clear my vision from the memory, then glance at Grace before returning my gaze to the road. Her eyes are closed as she sings along to Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women” on the radio. She’s a terrible singer, and judging by that cheeky smirk of hers, she knows. I hold back from saying anything. I need to calm the raging boner in my shorts, hoping it will get the message and lie low for a while. I focus on muttering a Hail Mary under my breath.

  The song ends, and I hear her sigh as she wiggles on her seat as if she’s trying to get comfortable, then settles down.

  I focus on what she told me at the beach.

  Now I understand Grace a bit better. Understand the insecurity I see in her sometimes, and how she often steers away from uncomfortable conversation.

  I don’t know what happened between Debra and Grace’s father, and I don’t have the right to judge. I just, I don’t know. I guess, I wish Grace’s father would have stuck around. I was lucky enough to know mine up until the accident. And I’ll always be grateful for that.

  “Okay, Grandma,” Grace says, amused, touching my hand to claim my attention, then points at a parking spot across from her building. “Park over there.”

  “Grandma?”

  “You were driving so slow I aged ten years by the time we hit the outskirts of Portland.”

  I cut the engine and lean back in my seat. I run my hand through my hair. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re distracted.” She licks her lips nervously, fiddling with the strap of her purse. “Is it . . . is it what we almost did?”

  My fingers unbuckle my seat belt, and I shift on my seat to face her. My gaze roams her face in the dimly lit space, taking in every feature. Something uncoils in my chest, something warm and contagious. I’m shivering, which causes my hands to shake a little. I feel like I’m catching a fever as heat burns through my veins, setting every part of me on fire like poison.

  I take deep breaths to calm myself as I try to understand what my body is telling me.

  “You okay?” Grace is asking me, reaching up and pushing back the ever-present locks of hair on my forehead. “Talk to me.” She’s pleading now. I’m a dick for making her worry. I need to figure out what’s happening to me before I scare her.

  The answer to what I’m feeling hits me, the impact jolting me upright on the seat. Her eyes whip back to me, alarm clear in her face.

  “Wha—”

  “I-I love you,” I blurt out clumsily. Shit, how embarrassing is this. I laugh awkwardly. “I always thought if I ever got to say those words to someone I wouldn’t sound like I’m spitting them out. But they really didn’t come out smoothly.” I shake my head, inwardly hitting my head against a wall. “I—”

  She slaps a hand over my mouth, cutting off my words, her eyes wide and unblinking. “Don’t say it.”

  She drops her hand, shifts on her seat, and looks out the window. “God, Sol. Why, why did you say those words?” she whispers with a shaky voice.

  And the Insensitive Jerk Award goes to Solomon Callan. Why can’t I stop making things difficult between us?

  I sigh, placing one hand on her shoulder and turning her around to face me.

  “I know I’m giving you some mixed vibes, and I’m so sorry about that. It’s just that I can’t keep it inside anymore, Gracie. I feel like I’m going to explode and . . . please say something. Anything. I don’t care if it’s to tell me to shut the hell up or tell me to go jump off a cliff and never show my face—”

  “Shut up.” Her voice trembles, and her eyes shine with tears.

  I blow out a shaky breath and laugh. “That works.”

  “You’re leaving soon, Sol.”

  I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say.

  “Yet here you are, telling me you love me.”

  I nod, lifting a hand and wiping the tears at the corner of her eyes with my thumb. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. I—”

  She presses a finger against my lips. “Let me say this, please. I know I’m supposed to encourage you to follow the path you’ve chosen,” she says, “but you changed me. You made me believe there’s good in the world. I just want to be selfish for once in my life and not let you go.”

  This need to have both Grace and follow my calling is killing me. I can’t keep doing this to both of us.

  I sigh wearily and drag my fingers through my hair. “Come on, let me walk you to your door.”

  She looks out the window fo
r a few seconds, then straightens her shoulders and slings the strap of her purse over her shoulder. With one last unreadable look in my direction, she unlocks her door and jumps out.

  I join her on the sidewalk, and we cross the street just as fat drops of rain start falling around us. Soon, we’re surrounded by sheets of rain.

  When we get to her door, she unlocks it and steps inside, then turns to looks at me. “I really had fun today, Sol. Thank you.”

  I nod. “Same here.” Until I told you I loved you and scared both of us.

  She waves, her lips curling at the corners. “Good night.”

  “Good night, Gracie.”

  As soon as the door closes behind her, I walk back to the truck, hoping the rain helps clear my head. I’m just about to open the door when a small hand wraps around my elbow. I spin around, my eyes growing wide at the sight of Grace.

  My fingers move without my permission and tuck the locks of hair behind her right ear. She licks her lips, and my eyes drop to her mouth. I swallow hard, moving my hand to cup her cheek.

  “Sol,” she whispers.

  “Grace,” I breathe.

  She squints up at me through the rain, locks of hair plastered on her forehead. “Are you going to kiss me again?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think I should.”

  “Have you ever kissed someone in the rain, Solomon Callan?” It’s the same question she asked me at the diner before, the look on her face soft, grounding me, grounding my heart, which seems to have grown wings inside my chest.

  I’m a complete mess, and I have no idea how to control my feelings for her. Especially when she’s looking at me like that.

  I inhale the earthy scent surrounding us. Rain does have a smell, I realize. Taking her in, I smile. Even with her hair curling rebelliously around her head and mascara running down her face, she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

  I shift my body to face her. “No. Never.”