The Paper Shepherd

by Olivia Landis

  “Now, on the other hand, if the author of the source material is an Israelite and a non-Roman citizen but under Roman rule and he is writing in the apocalyptic style about the end of the world in the two hundred years before or after the birth of Christ, his audience is other people of the same religion and circumstance, his context is one of oppression, his intention most likely is to instigate civil disobedience against Roman rule and bring on the fall of Rome.” Maybe I should drive home to see her this weekend. God, if I could only hold her right now. Maybe I should drive home right after this class. I could make it in four and a half hours if I don’t stop to eat. Do I have to wait until college is over to be with her everyday? Can’t I just marry her next spring when she graduates from high school and beg her to go to school here? “Many biblical scholars consider all apocalyptic materials from this period of history referring to the end of days as referring not to some supernatural or religious event but of the end of days of Rome. Now, this is not expressing an expectation that Rome will come to an end but a wish or a goal for the audience to strive toward.” Would she do that? Get married that young? She would if you asked her, Max. She’d do anything for you. Is it a good idea? No. But, is being away from her a good idea? If I can’t touch her breasts soon… “Most of this literature was written in the time of the “Good Emperors” when the Empire was expanding, the rulers were generally competent, and there were no invaders knocking at the door. The authors were angry about being oppressed. The imagery of dragons, beasts, and demons were very familiar tools of this type of writer. The audience at the time was used to these images. They would not have interpreted these as predictions of real supernatural beings, but understood them to be symbolic of Rome and her army.” Why didn’t you just take the opportunity when you were with her? You could have gotten to second base with her. You probably could have gotten home… Is that how Dad says it? Dad. Right. That’s why not. But, what about in Canada? There was no one to stop you guys there.

  “We must be careful when we make such interpretations, however, not to make these assumptions too broadly. We would be mistaken if we measured, for example, St. Paul’s Epistles by the same yard stick. St. Paul was Jewish and possibly a Roman citizen and living in this time but did not write in the apocalyptic tradition.” Be reasonable. It is not going to kill you to wait a little longer. “His intention was to instruct the people of the early Christian church in the ways they should think and act—he did not write figuratively about dragons or beasts or zombies as did the author of Revelation. When he predicts the end of the world, he is most likely not speaking about Rome, but of this reality.”

  Maybe I should just quit school and marry her as soon as she turns eighteen. She knows we are meant to be together. She said it herself. We should be together now. I’ll just follow her where she goes. I could go to a community college for a semester or two and then apply to school where she is. I just can’t stand being away from her any more. I can’t.

  “He also is expecting ‘the end’ to happen relatively soon which is why he urges some things we might find odd such as people not ever getting married. In fact, Paul states in the First letter to the Corinthians that he does not think anyone should ever get married unless they think there is no way they can possibly avoid intercourse and this is the only way to avoid committing a sin.” This “going slow” is so stupid. Was that my idea or hers? Yours probably. Sounds like you. That’s it. No more “saving yourself for marriage.” I’m sure she’s fed up with it too. Next time I see her, we get engaged and then I’m just going to…

  “No mention is made of having children, which is a fairly tell tale sign that he didn’t think there was going to be time for a new generation of people before “the end.” Paul doesn’t comment as much on the behavior of Emperors as he does complain about the actions of some of the members of the early church who called themselves Christians but may not have been following what Paul considered appropriate behavior.”

  … rip her clothes off….

  “He specifically details actions such as lust…”

  …bury my face in her breasts...

  “…idolatry…”

  …that goddess…

  “… and hedonism.”

  … and completely consume her.

  “He also berates people for being poor leaders and abandoning the call of the Church.”

  Nothing else matters. Nothing.

  Tiar fidgeted nervously in the hard wooden chair in Dr. Glending’s office. He was looking through some papers on his desk.

  “Now, Tiar,” he said, staring at her over his reading glasses. “I understand you want to talk about colleges. I was just looking over your record. You’ll probably get in everywhere you applied. Do you have any preferences?”

  “I was trying to decide, if I get into both, sir, if I should go to Brighton or St. Andrew’s,” she said timidly.

  “And you want to study Veterinary medicine?” he asked.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Well, there are many intangible factors that go into choosing a college. For example, you have to feel at home with the student body and like the campus layout. It’s much easier to do well at a school if you’re happy and comfortable living there. I don’t discount that. However, for your particular aspirations, I would advise hands down for you going to Brighton. It has one of the top five pre-vet programs in the country. St. Andrew’s has many strong programs. Unfortunately, biology is not among them.” Tiar looked down at her feet. She knew before she came in this was the answer he would give her. “Tiar, is there some other reason St. Andrew’s is so high on your list?”

  “Promise not to laugh, sir?” she asked, obviously embarrassed.

  “You’re dating someone there, aren’t you?” She nodded, not looking up. “Is this someone Max set you up with?”

  “Something like that,” she said timidly, still amazed that he could mention Max and not realize who the mystery boy was.

  “Well, Tiar, I don’t want to sound discouraging,” he said kindly. “These things don’t usually last. I don’t tell most kids that. I wouldn’t be telling you that. But, most of our students don’t have the world at their feet like you do. You are an incredibly smart girl. And, if you wanted to study history or classics or religion, I would tell you absolutely to go to St. Andrew’s. But, going there to study biology… it would be like Jesus’ parable about casting pearls before swine, sweet heart.”

  “I know, Dr. Glending. I know I can’t go there. I just want to.” He looked at her sympathetically, remembering what it was like to be young and in love.

  “Tiar, if this relationship is the real thing, it wouldn’t matter if you had to go to school in Uzbekistan. Somehow, it would still work out. And if it’s not going to work out, is it really worth throwing away your education for?” Of course, this idea was already familiar to Tiar, who had argued the same position with Max just a year ago. She found it felt very different from this side.

  “I know, sir. That all makes a lot of sense.”

  “You don’t sound convinced,” he said. “You know what will make you feel better? I have some contacts at a lot of these places. Why don’t you visit Brighton this weekend? I can arrange to have you stay with a student there. Maybe I can even make sure it’s another biology student.”

  “That would be terrific, sir,” Tiar said, still looking down.

  “Tiar. You can’t go wrong with either choice, okay?” he assured her. “Brighton might be better, but you could probably make anything work. You’ve already exceeded every expectation anyone had for you. You can make this work either way. I just want you to give Brighton a look. It is such a terrific school for someone like you.”

  “Thank you, sir,” Tiar said modestly. “I will. But, as for being successful, I can’t really take the credit for it. I couldn’t have done it alone.”

  “I know,” he agreed. “The Franklins deserve some sort of award for how they looked after you all these years.”

  “Y
eah. They’re great people.”

  “They would want you to go to Brighton, you know.”

  “I know.”

  “And, I’m sure Max would want you to go to Brighton and do well and be a veterinarian someday,” Dr. Glending added for weight. “You don’t want to disappoint him, do you?” Tiar swallowed hard and shook her head listlessly.

  “No,” she said flatly. “I guess I wouldn’t.”

  18

  Max was sitting at a desk in the library when Tony walked into the room to summon him to dinner. Max seemed mesmerized by one spot on his text book, his eyes not moving along the page. As Tony approached, he saw that Max was staring at a photograph that was tucked among the pages. Max appeared indifferent or oblivious to Tony’s approach.

  “Trying to set it on fire?”

  “Humm?” Max said finally.

  “You’re staring at that picture so hard, I thought maybe you were trying to burn a hole in it with your eyes,” he joked. Max’s expression did not change. Tony sat silently across from him for almost a minute before he resumed talking.

  “Tony,” he said quietly. “I think I may have made a huge mistake.”

  What mistake? Tony thought with concern looking at this upside down photo of possibly the most in love couple he had ever met.

  “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” Max finally looked up, appearing confused.

  “Second thoughts?”

  “Doubts… Doubts about Tiar,” Tony clarified. “You doubt she is the right girl for you?”

  “No,” Max said truthfully, his eyebrows knit together in protest. “Never. I never doubt that.” He shook his head, a look of consternation on his face. “I went to see my advisor earlier. It turns out I didn’t just test out of Latin. Even though I didn’t take the Advanced Placement exam… the university still gave me 16 credits for it.” Tony stared at his friend, waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. When Max did not explain, he shrugged to indicate his confusion.

  “That makes me a senior. I graduate next May,” Max explained.

  “That’s great, Max,” Tony said in surprise.

  “Great?” Max objected. “How can you say that?”

  “Isn’t that going to save you like, $50,000 in tuition? Graduating after 2 years?”

  “But, I’m not ready!” Max protested. “I mean, I just got here. I’m not ready for this decision!”

  “What decision, Max?” Tony asked, genuinely confused. “You’re going to have to go on to grad school anyway, to get a job in history. It’s still another three to five years of school. You’re just applying earlier than you thought.”

  “Where?” Max asked, seeming desperate.

  “Where ever you want to study,” Tony said calmly, thinking this was fairly obvious. “Where ever they are doing research in what you want to write your doctorate in. Here. Not here. You don’t have to make this decision alone. This is why you have an academic advisor in the first place.”

  “He wouldn’t understand,” Max said, shaking his head.

  “You want to be closer to Tiar.” Max closed his eyes and sighed audibly. “So, this is about Tiar. Not sure you want to go to school near her?” Max opened his eyes again and stared at his friend. Of course, he wanted to go to school near Tiar. He wanted to get there as soon as possible. He spent his entire week thinking of nothing else.

  “I’m not ready to make this decision,” he repeated. “I thought I had more time.”

  “The decision to be closer to your girlfriend?” Tony tried to clarify.

  “The decision of whether being close to her or not is a legitimate thing to base the decision on,” Max obfuscated.

  “Legitimate,” Tony asked, squinting. “In whose eyes? Why would it be wrong to be with the woman you love. It’s not like there is one right school written in the stars, Max.”

  “But, what if…” Max began, not sure how to finish. “What if there is. What if there is supposed to be another way of deciding. I wasn’t expecting to have to figure this out so soon. I thought I had another two years. Now… I’m not sure I’m even trying to answer the right question.” Tony did not feel like he was following the conversation. It was as though he were witnessing an argument between Max and Max.

  “Then, what is the right question?” Tony asked hesitantly.

  “What if there is no such thing as love?” Max asked seriously. “Not for a man and a woman, anyway. What if all love is from God. What if all man and woman can feel for one another is lust?” Tony was taken aback. He had no idea where Max’s sudden anxiety was stemming from. And yet, the longer he talked, the more the logic sounded familiar. “What if men and women only lust after one another, and that is why they have to get married. But, it is not really love and so not something good people should aspire to do… and certainly not a way to choose a graduate program.” Tony shook his head.

  “Was Dr. Henderson teaching about First Corinthian’s again?” Tony guessed. Max wrinkled his forehead in response. “Max, you can’t change your whole life around because of one person’s interpretation of a historical writing. If you don’t think Tiar is the right woman for you…”

  “But, she is,” Max protested. “I know she is.”

  “Then, what is the problem?” Tony asked in frustration.

  “I’m not ready…” Max trailed off.

  “To make a commitment to one woman? That’s fine. She’s seventeen,” Tony pointed out. “You’re nineteen. She shouldn’t be thinking about getting married yet, or anything, and neither should you. But, it wouldn’t hurt for you to be in school closer to the woman you want to be with. And, if you chose a school away from her, it doesn’t mean you can’t be together later. But, you don’t have to link together the choice of grad school and the decision if Tiar is the woman you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with.”

  “I’m not ready to decide if there is a woman… any woman…” Max started again, his thoughts refusing to coalesce. When he began speaking again, it seemed to Tony that he was speaking to himself. “Should I be with the woman I love. Am I capable of love? Are humans capable of love? Do I be with her. Do I change my diocese to here? Do I just keep it at home? Is love only for God, and not for man?”

  “Go back a second,” Tony ordered, really not following. “Your diocese? What does that have to do with anything?”

  “I didn’t think I’d have to figure this out so soon,” Max repeated. “I’m not ready.”

  “Have you talked to her about this?” Tony asked.

  “Her?”

  “Tiar? Have you talked to her?” he clarified. Max shook his head. “Don’t you think you should?”

  “How will that help?”

  “I don’t know,” Tony said, shrugging. “Maybe she will say she can’t not have sex with you and she needs to marry you so it won’t be a sin.”

  “That’s crazy,” Max stated flatly.

  “I know. But look, Max, you need to talk to her,” Tony said pragmatically. “Best case scenario, you realize you really do love her and you can have some sense of proportion and realize that in the grand scheme of things, this one comment by Paul should not have any bearing on the rest of your life. Worst case scenario, you still feel the same way but at least she knows and she is not going to get a rude awakening a few months from now when you go home and tell her all of this crazy stuff.”

  “You’re right,” Max said quietly. “I need to tell her.” He sighed, the tension in his body letting go and allowing some room for hope. Maybe she can fix this. Maybe she can…

  “Good,” Tony said, hoping urgently for the “best case”. “Now, let’s get some dinner.”

  19

  Max climbed the stairs to his dorm room one at a time. He was in no hurry. It was Friday, four days since his talk with his advisor. He had called Tiar’s house only to have the phone rudely slammed down by her uncle, as he had anticipated. He then called his own house hoping she would be eating with his parents there. But, Tiar had not g
one to the Franklins’ house as she usually did. Eleanor did not know where she was. She had simply left a message on their answering machine saying she wouldn’t make it over. Max was in an understandably poor mood. His sense of value in that which he treasured most in the world, his relationship with Tiar, had been unexpectedly undermined-- by an apostle, for Pete’s sake! He had major news about his graduation date and had to make potentially life altering decisions about his next academic step. And he couldn’t talk to Tiar. He didn’t even know where she was.

  Tony could not stand idly by and watch Max mope around his room. He dragged Max out to Pugs for beer and darts. The distraction had worked tolerably well for two hours, but now Max just wanted to lie down. Maybe if he slept he could see Tiar in his dreams and some how miraculously, it would be clear to him what he should do. Max walked slowly down the hall, staring at the carpet. He was fiddling around in his jacket pocket for his keys when Jason, a fellow student who had the dorm room closest to the stairs, shouted out from his room.