The Paper Shepherd

by Olivia Landis

  “Maybe because I was afraid you’d have this kind of idiotic reaction,” Max shot back. “And maybe because I didn’t think I had to cross this bridge for another 2 years. How many times did I say I wasn’t ready for this decision?” Tony wrenched his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead vigorously, thinking.

  “Fine, Max,” he said with artificially renewed calm. “Why are you doing this? It’s not because of that stupid thing with St. Paul last semester, is it? Because of your doubts about Tiar?”

  “Tony, listen to me,” Max pleaded. “I’m taking this very seriously, as should you.”

  “How can you be so sure you’re supposed to be a priest?”

  “How can you be, Tony?” Max asked back. Max meant it as a genuine question, desperate to know how someone he respected dealt with the decision he was now facing. But Tony interpreted this question as rhetorical and became increasingly frustrated. Max would be an asset to the seminary, of that Tony had no doubt. But, he already had a flock to lead, even if it was only one lamb.

  “Max,” he said cautiously. “I admire what you want to do, but I don’t think this is right for you. You love Tiar. You know you do. And, she loves you, too. Don’t give that up. Not if you’re not certain.”

  “How can I be certain though, Tony?” Max asked. “Knowing everything humans do is fallible. How can I give up something as definite as the church... as serving God, for a woman? Flesh and blood?”Tony thought quickly. He had to do something to tip the balance in Tiar’s favor.

  “Have you slept with her?” Tony asked. Max looked at him indignantly, startled by the intrusion not into his own privacy, but into Tiar’s.

  “No!” Max said, thinking of the night they had spent together. “I mean, I... Not in the way you mean, no.”

  “Do you want to?”

  “What kind of question is that?” Max asked.

  “A very relevant one, I think,” Tony said. “You can be Tiar’s friend priest or no. There’s only one thing you can’t do with her as a priest. Now, Max, be honest. Do you want to have sex with her?” Max thought for a moment of how obvious the answer to this question should be.

  “You have eyes, Tony,” he said coyly. “What do you think?” Tony thought about Tiar soaking wet walking out of the river, her nipples as hard as diamonds in the chilly evening air. Just say yes, Max, he thought. Why is that so hard?

  “I do have eyes, Max. And when I look at Tiar, I see a woman I would like very much to have a discussion with about the works of William James. But, she’s not my girl friend. She’s not planning on marrying me and spending the rest of her life with me. I’m not the one who has to give up a life time of waking up next to her. What I think is not what’s important right now.” He patted Max on the shoulder and left, leaving Max alone with his thoughts. Flesh and blood? Tony thought to himself as he pushed open the door and stepped out into the cold Ohio night. No one could say no to that goddess.

  29

  Moonlight glistened off of Tiar’s blue satin dress as she walked from Max’s old, safe, reliable car to the front door of her new apartment. There were no truly bad neighborhoods in Hectortown, but this was certainly a fall in prestige from her previous residence. Her neighbors were no longer the rich and powerful of the town, the doctors, the lawyers, and the important business men. She was not even among the common, those who lived around the Franklins’ more average family abode. She was now among those one step down from common—those down on their luck. Those who had turned from Grace. Tiar didn’t seem to mind at all living in the old Victorian home that had been divided thirty years earlier into apartments when the tanning mills in this part of the state closed and few people could afford such large houses. She said it was charming, like living in a part of history.

  Max followed Tiar up the stairs to the back porch of the old house, populated by rusty charcoal grills, moldy couches, and abandoned lawn chairs. She saw the gingerbread work around the porch, never noticing the blue tarps that hung over them or the two by fours that held up the sagging roof. Tiar could put any silver lining on this transition she wanted to. She could expound on the new freedom she had and babble on all night about the hundred year old parquet floors and cob webbed crown moldings. Max didn’t like her living here. He didn’t like her living on the first floor where anyone could climb in a window and rob her. He didn’t like her living somewhere with a hallow plywood door that even his small, middle-aged mother could kick down without much effort. Here, on street level on the low side of town, anything could happen to her without him around to protect her. This was what Tiar could afford at present, and he knew it would only last a few months until she left for college. Tiar unlocked the door and flicked on the light. The weak yellow bulb flickered on with obvious effort.

  “What did you think of the food?” Tiar asked jovially, tossing her keys on the coffee table. Max closed and locked the door behind them thinking how futile an act it was—the appearance of security.

  “It was good,” he said, helping her off with her jacket. He had come home three days ago and spent as much time as he could in the safety of his parents’ kitchen. Now, with four days to go before he was due back at school, he felt he could stall no longer before seeing Tiar alone. The question Tony posed to him weighed heavily on his mind. Without the distraction of his family, it haunted his every thought. Hoping a novel change in scenery would give him new perspective… make him feel like someone other then himself, Max decided to take Tiar some place special for dinner. He took her someplace grown up, the kind of place they had never been to together. He picked Nunzio’s, the only restaurant in town with an Italian name that did not sell pizza and subs. The dark wood wainscoting warmed the exposed brick walls and added a romantic flair that should have helped set the mood for what Max had planned for later in the evening. However, despite being seated alone in their own private alcove with wooden coping stretching to the ceiling, Max wished the dim light from the stippled glass globes the owner’s great-grandfather had brought from Corning eighty years earlier could be made dimmer still to hide him from the prying eyes of Hectortown.

  The other patrons of Nunzio’s gave them no notice, preoccupied as they were by the many fine cuts of steak they had to choose from and the six different types of sautéed mushrooms they could choose on the side. Nunzio’s was the kind of restaurant where people could wear the clothes they had bought for a friend’s wedding and had no other occasion to wear in Hectortown. Tiar was, in fact, wearing a dress that Jen had gotten for her cousin’s wedding and long since out grown. She knew Max had always wanted to go to Nunzio’s. The Knights of Columbus rented out their back room several times a year for special dinners and Jack always raved about the food. It lived up to the high praise they had heard over the years. But the service was romantically slow, and it was almost eleven o’clock when they returned to Tiar’s humble accommodations. Tiar wasted no time taking off her high heels and stockings, which she despised nearly as much as the underwires Sarah and Jen had introduced her to several months earlier. She sat casually on her bed and flicked on the TV. Max stood nervously next to the front door. He felt compelled to pace but the apartment, which had only one room, was not suitable for pacing pensively. Instead, he kicked his shoes off and sat down next to Tiar on the bed.

  “You getting excited about going to Brighton?” Max asked, emotionless. She smiled.

  “Yeah, I can’t wait.” She flicked off the TV and dropped the remote control onto a night stand.

  “Nervous?” Max asked.

  “Why should I be nervous?” Tiar said, leaning against the headboard. Max shook his head and shrugged, staring into Tiar’s deep, mossy eyes. He wanted to tell her what he was nervous about. He wanted to level with her, to lay all his thoughts and doubts out on the table. Yet, the entire dilemma seemed too bizarre to him even to put into words. Instead, he brushed her cheek with his fingers and leaned toward her. He pressed his lips on hers. Max’s finger tips ran down Tiar’s neck and over her shoulder. He tr
aced small circles on her bare collar bone, sending tingling sensations over her chest. Max’s hand followed her neck line down. A shiver ran though her. This was their moment. Max knew unequivocally the answer to Tony’s question. He wanted to make love to Tiar. He had no doubt about that. Here, right now, he knew what to do. He knew how to please her. He had done it before. But his thoughts kept slipping to the past and the future, out of this time. And, he simultaneously wanted to stall and to rush forward, to be any where and any time other than here and now.

  Tiar reached her slender fingers under Max’s shirt. She gently dragged her finger nails down his back giving him goose bumps. Max closed his eyes and saw, not Tiar, but incense and candles. No, no, no, he protested. He opened his eyes again and he was with Tiar. He wanted to recapture Christmas break, to feel like he had felt then, his hands in her underwear. I’ve been here before, he thought to himself. I can make her happy. I can do this. He engulfed Tiar in his arms and kissed her. He kissed her until he felt normal again, until he felt brave again. She kissed him harder. His left hand traveled down her back, unzipping her dress. He found the triangle of her sacral bone, right above her two firm buttocks and pulled her pelvis against his. Again, he was terrified. Again, he wanted to rush, to just get this over with.

  “I need you, Tiar,” he whispered, urgently. “I need to have you.”

  “Okay,” Tiar breathed.

  “You’re sure?” he asked, sounding surprised.

  “Yes.”

  Tiar held Max’s face in her left hand, kissing him hard on the mouth. With her right hand, she began unbuttoning his pants. He pulled her dress down around her waist and buried his head between her firm breasts. I’ve been here before, he reminded himself. But you chickened out last time. You couldn’t do it. Suddenly, Max wanted more time, but he had stalled too long already. He was supposed to have two more years until he had to make this decision, two more years during which this would all become clear. But they had disappeared by magic and academic prowess. It’s not fair, he protested to himself. Clothing continued to disappear until it was all strewn about on the bed or in a pile on the floor. Max found himself on Tiar’s bed with almost no memory of how he had gotten there. There was no more stalling to be done. Max balanced himself on his elbows on top of Tiar and pushed himself forward, almost apologetically. Tiar closed her eyes. This was what she wanted, she thought, but something about the situation was wrong. When she looked into Max’s eyes, she didn’t see love. She saw worry and obligation. This time will pass, she thought. She had to admit to herself that she was nervous. Everyone is awkward their first time around. She thought about Jen’s recantation of her first sexual encounter, two years early. It’s supposed to be awkward the first time, she told herself. That’s normal. And yet, her hips became rigid despite herself, in defense of what she told herself she did not fear. Max kissed Tiar on the neck, as if to distract her, to distract himself from what his pelvis was doing. She seemed to be holding him away, trapping him between her knees, her legs firm and inflexible.

  “Do you want me to stop?” Max whispered into her ear. “We don’t have to do this.” Tiar turned her head to the side. Michelle didn’t tell him to stop, she thought. Don’t be a baby. You have to do this. Do it for him. She turned her face back toward him, determined.

  “No, don’t stop,” Tiar urged. It’s your own fault it’s so awful, she thought. She had waited too long for this night and filled it with too much symbolic importance for her to enjoy it now. I ruined everything, she thought to herself. Silly stupid girl. Don’t stop. Just get through it. She could just get through it, and let him enjoy it, and then she wouldn’t be so nervous the next time. Stop fighting. Be limp, she tried to tell herself. But, her muscles wouldn’t listen. Max bare all of his weight onto Tiar’s thighs but could sense he was getting nowhere.

  “You’re sure, sweetheart?” he asked her. “We don’t have to…”

  “I’m sure,” she interrupted. Max squeezed his eyes shut and tensed every muscle in his abdomen. Then he thrust himself toward the young women under him. With a tiny gasp from her frail body, he was inside her. He wanted to be gentle, but that was impossible now. This is your fault, he cursed at himself. You know how to make her relax. You know how to make her feel good. You could have. But, you stalled and then rushed and… and now we are stuck here. He kept his eyes screwed tightly as he thrust rhythmically with his hips. In his mind, he tried to be anywhere else. I’m back at school, he thought to himself. I’m back at St. Andrew’s. Back in the chapel. Safe in the Chapel. The candles and incense returned. He was hundreds of miles away. Meanwhile, with every thrust from his still present body, Tiar felt like the air was being squeezed out of her chest. She bit her tongue to keep from screaming. She tried to relax, to stop resisting. You love him, she kept repeating to herself. Just finish it. Max thought he heard Tiar whispering to herself and stayed perfectly motionless, straining to listen. But, he heard nothing but his own clumsy breathing.

  “Do you want me to stop?” he whispered.

  “No,” Tiar said, trying to sound confident. She kept her head even with his so he could not see the pained expression on her face. “No, don’t stop.” Max pressed his face against her graceful neck and sighed. What in the hell does she want from me? He thought desperately. What in hell am I supposed to do now?

  Max resumed thrusting himself inside Tiar. She had finally stopped fighting. He was deep inside her. He felt himself surrounded by her, cloistered in her body heat. The sensation was warm and pleasurable. Max tried to leave every thought of what he was doing and concentrate only on this sensation. He opened his eyes to look at her and saw that her own eyes were wrenched shut against some unspeakable pain. He couldn’t bear to look her in the face as she lay under him, enduring him, trying not to disappoint him. He never should have embarked on this road, but there was no way to turn back. The whole process was taking unbearably long. It was agony. Tiar buried her face in Max’s chest. It will all be over soon, she thought to herself. Next time will be better. Next time will be better. Next time...

  Max felt a sharp pain as Tiar’s fingernails dug into his back, nearly piercing his tan skin. He gave up. His part in this charade was done. It’s over, he thought to himself with a sense of profound relief. It was over. There was no reason for him to consummate this intolerable farce. He didn’t waste a moment pulling himself away from her. He felt like he could breath again. Tiar was relieved to be rid of him. Her gentiles felt foreign and uncomfortable—swollen and tender like a finger slammed in a door. Max rolled off of Tiar onto his side and enveloped her in his arms. He held her close to him, trying to act normal, reassuring, as though everything were perfect. He couldn’t bear it, he thought, if she started crying. He didn’t know what to say to her, but he felt he needed to say something.

  “I love you, Little Bird,” he said softly. It was a lie, he knew. He was feeling fear, remorse, trepidation, shame, everything but love. But he would tell her this, tell himself this, until he believed it.

  “I love you,” she echoed back, equally insincere. He held her until she fell asleep.

  When Tiar awoke alone, she had a strange sense of disappointment. At first, she thought the events of the previous night had been a dream. However, she soon noticed that she was still naked. Her legs ached as she turned over in bed. It wasn’t a dream. Max had been here, but he had left. She felt all at once crushed, worried, and rejected. Had one of his parents fallen ill? Was he rushing back to his house so they wouldn’t notice he was gone? Had she disappointed him so much he needed to get away? She tried not to jump to conclusions. Tiar put on a bathrobe. The sun was streaming in the windows. There was a creek outside her front door. Opening it, she found Max sitting on the porch stairs. He was staring off into the back yard, arms folded over his knees. He sat there unmoving even when she sat down next to him.

  “What’s wrong?” Tiar asked softly.

  “Nothing,” he said unconvincingly. “Do you know how much I love yo
u, Tiar?”

  “I thought I did,” she said, trying not to betray any emotion with her voice.

  “I love you with my whole world, Tiar, with everything I have.”

  “Then why can’t you look at me?” she gently challenged him. Finally, he turned his head toward her. He looked terrified.

  “Tiar, when I go back to school… I only have one more semester before I graduate,” Max said calmly. Tiar nodded apprehensively in the silence that followed. “After I graduate, I’m applying to the seminary.” Tiar’s face changed as though she was watching a bloody train wreck and had no power to stop it. She bit her bottom lip in an effort to keep it from quivering.

  “I’m actually… I mean, I did apply. I am going into the seminary,” Max continued, mostly to fill the silence.

  “The Catholic seminary,” Tiar said. Max nodded his head. “You’re going to be a Ca.....” She struggled to keep her voice from failing. “A Catholic priest.”

  “Yes, Tiar,” he said. Tiar closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She tried to sort out piece by piece everything this meant. Max is going to be a priest. Max can never marry you. Max cannot date you anymore. Okay. How bad is that really? That’s okay, right? She had contemplated this possibility the previous fall—that Max would break up with her, but not why. She told herself they could be friends again if only they didn’t have sex. But, they had. Fine. Fine, I don’t care about that now, she thought. No point in obsessing over what I can’t change. It doesn’t really matter, right? It was a simple physical act—something nearly every animal on earth engaged in. It certainly was something their friendship could survive.

  That was irrelevant now. They could never be friends again. Not like before. They had been best friends. They had belonged to each other. Now, Max belonged to God, and Tiar knew she could not hold any place higher in his heart then anyone else on earth. She didn’t have to share him with one other woman as she always feared. She had to share him with every other women and every other man on earth. Every person would matter equally to him now. And she was just one among them. In short, as an individual, she was nothing to him. Nothing. This idea shook her. For nine years, they had walked every road together. For nine years, he led her by the hand through every trial. She walked through uncertainty, blinded by life but trusting him without hesitation to pull her to safety. Now, he was letting her hand slip away from his. He would journey the road alone. Where I am going, he would say, where I am going, you can not follow. You cannot follow. Tiar stood up, her mouth agape in disbelief. A hundred questions were forming in her head, but she had no breath to spare to give them life.