by Megan Rose
“What?! No! Of course not!”
“Oh, come on. He totally – “
“Hey, wait a minute,” she said. “If you’re gay how come you didn’t know who Calvin Klein is?”
“Gay people have one thing in common, Lacey: their sexuality. Not their knowledge of fashion.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry,” she said. “I guess that was offensive.”
“No offense taken.”
“Good.” She thought for a minute. “So I guess I shouldn’t come to you for fashion advice then…”
✽✽✽
Lacey wound up telling Connor the next morning about her bipolar disorder. She felt that if he was comfortable confiding in her, she should be comfortable confiding in him. Mark had decided to sleep over his sister’s house every Thursday night to help her with her two daughters, so Connor spent those nights sleeping at Lacey’s.
Mark didn’t know that Connor was coming over, and since Connor had been promoted to the register at This is Chinese Food, he still wasn’t delivering their food. Mark assumed he was still mad at Lacey, which was what Connor wanted. He didn’t feel like dealing with Mark’s suspicions, and he wasn’t ready to tell anyone else he was gay.
✽✽✽
February went by like many of the months before. There would start to be some stability with Lacey’s medicine and then some horrific side effect would take over, and they would have to start from the beginning again. It was frustrating and unfair, and Mark blamed the psychiatrist, even though it wasn’t his fault. It was a tricky disorder.
March came and on the first of the month Mark came home with a huge bouquet of green and pink flowers. “I know you have flowers for each month.”
“You got green for St. Patrick’s Day! But I have some plastic ones already. Why did you get real flowers?”
“March also happens to be the month of your birthday, doesn’t it? I got green because it’s your favorite color. It just worked out that it also happens to be the month of St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Oh, Mark!” She took the flowers and brought them over to her dining room table. Taking the (plastic) flowers aside, she put the new flowers and vase in the middle of the table and admired them. “No one’s ever gotten me birthday flowers before! That is so sweet!”
“Really? That’s – “ The rest of his sentence was cut off because Lacey gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he forgot what he was going to say.
✽✽✽
About a week later, Mark told Lacey that he was going to his sister’s house for dinner and would be back late. While Lacey curled up on the couch to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon, Mark actually met with Lana at a small restaurant near the salon, to discuss “business.” Lana had bugged him enough and had made enough threats about firing Lacey that he decided he would just have to meet with her. They would discuss whatever this “business” was and then Mark could get home to Lacey.
Most of the meal was spent with Lana flirting with him and trying to get him to say something bad about Lacey, but the actual “business” part of the conversation went well. Lana was organizing a marathon to raise money for Operation Smile, a program that does procedures on children with cleft-palates for free. She had started organizing charity events for them when she moved to California with her husband, and she hadn’t done an event in a while. She thought it could coincide with the opening of Mark’s store and gym.
“That sounds like a great idea,” he said honestly.
“The run is in April, so you’d better get a move on,” she said.
“That’s soon…I’m really behind with everything at the store.”
“Maybe I could help you!” She smiled.
“Um…maybe. Listen, I think it’s a great idea. Keep me updated on everything and I’ll let you know soon if I think I’ll be ready or not.” With that, Mark paid for their meal and walked home to meet Lacey.
✽✽✽
Mark opened the door to the apartment quietly, as the lights were out and he assumed Lacey was asleep. He closed the door and tiptoed over to the couch so he could wake Lacey and bring her to bed, but she wasn’t there. He checked her room. She wasn’t there either. He came back in the living room and turned on the light only to find Lacey curled up in the corner of the dining room, Princess standing guard next to her.
“Lacey,” she looked up, “what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” she said icily. “Gee, I don’t know Mark. Is it the lying or the sneaking or the betrayal?”
“What are you talking about? Come on, you need some sleep. Let’s go to bed.” He slipped his shoes off.
“Oh, I bet you would love for me to go to sleep!” she said, standing. “Then you can go back out for more fun with your girlfriend, Lana!” Mark, who had been making his way to the bathroom, stopped in his tracks.
“Lacey, how did you know – “
“How did I know that you betrayed me and went out with my arch nemesis? I’m not a hermit, Mark. I went out. I needed to pick up a few things from the store and I saw through the window of the restaurant you were at. You were having dinner with her. You lied to me. You told me you were at your sister’s, when you were really out with Lana.” She sounded disgusted. “Is that where you’ve been going every Thursday night? Spending the night with her? I can’t believe you, Mark!” Princess ran away as her yelling grew louder and settled herself under the coffee table.
“Lacey, don’t be ridiculous!” Mark took a few steps toward her then stopped, as she looked like she was about to pounce on him. “I went out to dinner with Lana because she had a business proposition to discuss. I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to get upset. I’ve gone to my sister’s every Thursday, like I’ve said. Just calm down and – “
“Don’t tell me to calm down, Mark! This is a real thing, okay? It’s not some bipolar symptom. I’m angry about this and I have a legitimate right to be. You know what? You can go spend the night with your girlfriend. I don’t want you here. In fact, I don’t want you living here at all. Here, I’ll help you pack your things.” She grabbed a bag from the closet and started throwing random things into it. Princess yipped as she tossed a chew toy into the bag.
“Stop it! I’m not going anywhere. You’re just upset. Listen, I wouldn’t lie to you – “
“You just did!”
“Why are you getting so upset about this anyway? So I went to dinner with Lana. What’s the big deal? People don’t really have ‘arch enemies.’ Whatever she did to you couldn’t have been that bad. You didn’t even give her a chance when she came back to town. You just assumed she was going to be just as immature as she was in high school, which is how you’re being.”
“She got me banned from Julio’s!”
"After you insulted her! Can you blame her for being angry?”
Lacey screamed in frustration and threw the bag at Mark, who caught it. “Now you’re standing up for her? I can’t believe this.”
“You can’t do this, Lacey! You can’t just be my friend until I do something you don’t like. Maybe I like Lana. Did you ever think of that?”
“Fine!” Lacey walked back over to the dining room table, away from Mark. “Then you can go live with her! And get married and have babies for all I care! The most beautiful babies in the world! And don’t come crying to me when you find out how evil she really is!”
“She’s not evil! And it wasn’t a date! What do you care if it was a date anyway? It’s not like we’re dating.”
“No, you’re right. We’re not. We just live together and do everything together.” Lacey dug her nails into her skin until there were imprints left and little droplets of blood were forming.
“It’s not like you want to date me! I’m practically a girl to you.”
“What?! That’s crazy! But you’re right; I don’t want to date you. Because you’re a mean, back-stabbing,” she picked up the vase of flowers on the table and looked at it, “lying jerk!” Lacey threw the vase of flowers at him and he ducked. The
vase smashed against the wall and it rained petals and shards of glass.
“You know what, Lacey? Maybe I will go back to my apartment. I have been nothing but a good friend to you. Maybe you are crazy. Maybe you just can’t be fixed.”
"GET OUT OF HERE!” she screamed, and Princess scurried into Lacey’s bedroom.
“Gladly.” Mark slipped his shoes back on and slammed the door behind him.
And then Lacey was alone. She slid down the wall and sat on the floor and began to sob uncontrollably. Princess came out of her room and sat next to her, her chin on Lacey’s leg, and tried to comfort her. Lacey had never cried so hard in her life, and she thought maybe Mark was right. Maybe she couldn’t be fixed.
✽✽✽
Mark stomped through town until he got to the gym, where he exercised to diffuse his anger. He sat down on one of the benches and breathed heavily. Lacey was being ridiculous.
And she was right; there was no reason he should be helping her anyway. This whole thing started out as a charity case. How had he gotten so wrapped up in her life and her drama? He would move back to his apartment and go back to working on his store. Clearly, they weren’t making any progress with Lacey’s illness, and he couldn’t help her if she was just going to freak out all of the time. He deserved to have a friend who didn’t start screaming when someone she liked got voted off of “American Idol.” He deserved to have a friend he didn’t have to be scared of some of the time, waiting for her to do something crazy and dangerous.
She was a mess. Plain and simple. And he shouldn’t have to put up with it. He stood up, throwing the towel that was around his neck on the bench. He walked to the back of the gym and grabbed a water bottle from the case he kept there. Was she really worth the hassle of dealing with a mentally ill person? Was she so great that Mark wanted to constantly have to walk on eggshells around her? Did she even think of Mark as anything but a caretaker?
She was beautiful. And funny. She was bouncy and quirky and, when she felt good, she made Mark feel good. He was the happiest when she was happy. She had a disorder that she couldn’t really control. It wasn’t her fault she had emotional breakdowns at least once a week. And did Mark want her to have a breakdown all alone? Did he want her to sit in her apartment and cry, Princess her only company?
He wanted to be there. He wanted to hug her when she said a hug wouldn’t help. He wanted to pick up all of the dirty tissues that she threw everywhere and throw them away. He wanted her to lean on him when she cried and get his shirt dirty. He wanted to run in place next to her when she was fighting off mania, so she wouldn’t feel alone. He wanted to be with her.
Mark left the gym and started making his way back to Lacey’s apartment. He would apologize. He should have told her the truth from the beginning anyway. He should have known how she would react if she found out. She was a handful, but Mark wanted her to be his handful. He had a little crush on her when they first met, but this was different. The feeling had grown and he was shocked he had only come to realize it now. He had to tell her how he felt. He had to tell her he loved her.
And then another realization came crashing down on him. He had just called her crazy and stormed out of her apartment. The one person she had been relying on through all of this just left and seemed to have given up on her. She was going to be a disaster. She was going to be worse than a disaster. He had to get there fast. Who knew what she was going to do? And at that thought, he began running through town, back to Lacey’s apartment.
✽✽✽
Mark opened Lacey’s door and bent over, out of breath. “Lace,” he said. He looked over and she was sitting at the dining room table, her back to him. Well at least she hadn’t done anything drastic. Yet. “Lacey, listen…”
“No,” she said. “No.”
“What?” Mark walked over to her. “Lacey, I’m sorry – “
“No, Mark.” She stood up, crumpling a piece of paper she had in front of her. “I will not let somebody else make me feel bad. My brain is doing enough of that on its own. I won’t let you make me feel like I’m crazy. Like I can’t be fixed. I’m stronger than that.”
“I know you are, Lacey. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m not going to give in to this feeling that I’m inadequate, that I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy!” She threw the piece of paper at Mark’s chest. He caught it and started to smooth it out so he could read it.
Dear Everyone,
I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. It’s been made clear to me that I cannot be fixed. So I’ve decided to break myself for good. Mark, take care of Princess. I hope
That was all it said. “Lacey,” his whole mouth had gone dry, “what is this?”
“It’s a letter,” she said. “To say goodbye. To say everyone’s better than me. To say I don’t deserve to live.”
“Goodbye?” Mark closed his eyes. “What do you mean ‘say goodbye?’ What were you going to do?”
“I hadn’t decided exactly how I was going to do it yet, but it doesn’t matter. I’m done being told what to do. By you, by Lana, by my brain. Especially my brain. It has to end. I won’t let somebody tell me that I can’t be fixed. I don’t need to be fixed; I need to be helped.”
“I want to help you,” Mark said. “I’m sorry for what I said – I didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry I went out with Lana and didn’t tell you. I should have.”
Lacey took a breath, wiping the tears from her eyes. She sniffed and her face changed from one of wrath to one of exhaustion. “No, you shouldn’t have. I just would have freaked out.”
Lacey crumpled onto the couch and looked up at Mark, colossal circles under her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Mark. About everything. But I have bipolar disorder and it’s not going away. If I’m being unfair to you, you don’t have to take care of me anymore. I can’t keep feeling like you’re doing me this huge favor by being my friend. I’m sorry I got jealous of you and Lana, but I think Mayra was right and I think I do like you.”
She took a strangled breath, and Mark sat next to her. “It doesn’t even matter that you went out with Lana, I would’ve had the same reaction if you went out with any other girl. Oh my God.” She paused. “I’m such a bitch. I’m so mean to you, and then I expect you to just be all mine all the time.”
“Lacey, just hold on a minute.” Mark smiled slightly. “Did you say you like me?”
“Yes, like I wish you were my boyfriend. How pathetic is that?” Mark turned Lacey’s head toward his and kissed her, like he had wanted to do from the moment she started babbling about menstruation celebrations months ago. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer to her.
“Was that just to make me feel better?” Lacey asked quietly as they broke apart.
“No,” Mark said, “it was to make me feel better. Now come on,” he said and took her hand.
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to sleep. And you are never leaving my sight again.” They reached the bedroom, and Lacey plopped down in her bed. Mark plopped down next to her. He wouldn’t feel right unless he stayed with her all night, making sure she was safe.
“What are you doing?” she asked as she turned on her side to go to sleep.
“I’m literally not letting you go,” he said and put his arms around her. “I’m calling Dr. Sharman in the morning. You don’t deserve to feel this way.” Lacey pulled the covers up over her and Mark and snuggled in. “I’m a light sleeper,” he said, “so if you wake up and decide to go do anything dangerous, you’ll have me to answer to.” Lacey sighed. Mark heard her breathing slow eventually and could tell she had fallen asleep. Maybe he would make his declaration of love another day.
Chapter 13
Lacey made a new best friend that week. Its name was Lithium, and it was a wonder drug. She couldn’t figure out why they hadn’t given that to her to start with. And she wasn’t even up to the full dosage yet. She couldn’t imagine what she’d be like in
a few weeks.
Feeling fairly normal, she went to work every day and went to Mark’s afterwards to help him set up his store and get ready for the grand opening, which would be April 11. She was really starting to feel like herself again and she was hardly having any meltdowns. She even dealt with Lana healthily and didn’t start any trouble (well, not any big trouble anyway).
Natalie had begun inviting Lacey to come to her house on Thursdays with Mark. He and Lacey brought Princess along with them, and Mark helped Natalie make dinner while Lacey played with Princess and the girls. She was helping Natalie turn her basement into a sewing room, and they often discussed Lacey’s dream to open a children’s salon. That dream now included Natalie, who had a background in accounting and loved to design little girls’ princess gowns. Yes, Lacey was finally starting to feel like a normal person again.
A few days before the grand opening, Lacey increased her Lithium up another 300 milligrams. She was so happy she could cry. It wasn’t all perfect. There were still days she felt depressed and rare occasions when she got angry, but it was a vast improvement from a month or two earlier.
The day of the marathon and opening had finally come, and it was a big success. Mark was selling plenty of products to all of the runners after the marathon ended, and Lana had done a really nice job organizing the whole event. Thankfully, Bryan didn’t show up to use the gym like he said he might, but Lana did impress everybody by lifting a ridiculous amount of weights.
Lacey went on a treadmill for a few minutes, then got off and got a snow cone from the station that Julio had set up for the runners. (She had ventured back into Julio’s a few days prior and everything seemed to be okay. She was very happy to be able to get her chicken salad sandwich, pickles on the side, Snapple, and pound or two of candy. She wasn’t too thrilled about seeing the man she liked to call the “town flasher,” with the curly hair and trench coat who smiled at her creepily every time they were both in the store. But, she couldn’t ban people from Julio’s. She wasn’t Lana.)