A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  He was experienced, more than anyone else she had been with. He didn’t rush. He moved down to her feet, and caressed her calves and moved his hands along her toes. While it tickled her, she tried not to giggle. He looked up at her, and smiled. She laughed. A giddy little nervous laugh.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  Joe moved up slowly, trailing his finger over her calf, circling her knee with his thumb, then rubbing the back of her thigh up toward her butt. Marnie spontaneously arched her back. Be cool, she thought. Be cool.

  As he crawled his body up hers, his lips stopped where his fingers had mapped out her skin. He slid his fingers through the hip string of her underwear – satin and purple – then he found the place he was looking for and watched for her reaction to his touch. He teased for a while, played with her. She closed her eyes and thought of only what he was doing to her. With her head back and her eyes closed, she felt the warmth of his determined fingers, of finding his way into her, reaching. She imagined him wanting to know all of her secrets.

  She would tell him everything.

  There was a moan, and Marnie knew it had come from her, yet she felt like she was in another world, watching someone else do this to another person. Not to her. She focused, and felt Joe reaching deeper, and deeper, until she couldn’t help herself. She grabbed his shoulders and lifted her hips.

  “You want to?” he whispered, his face near hers.

  His perfect, perfect face.

  “Yes, God yes.”

  “I don’t have anything.”

  “I don’t care. It’s okay. I just had my period.”

  He slid her underwear off and she was already so wet from his fingers. He pulled off his shorts and she saw he had on simple plaid navy boxers. She wondered if he had put on special underwear too. Then shrugged the thought away, sure that guys didn’t plan like that. Like girls did.

  He pulled off his boxers, and this was the first time she really got to look at him. He was completely naked, and very ready. She ran her hands along the sides of his abdomen up to his strong shoulders, his tanned chest. She looked at his belly button even, the skin smooth, soft and oval. Perfect. She grinned, and took him in her own hand, letting him know she was okay with it. With everything – with what he was doing to her, and what he was going to do with her. What they would do together.

  He lifted himself onto her, grabbed her wrists gently, and held onto them over her head with his hands. His hair fell over his eyes. She wanted to see his face, and those hazel eyes that could turn deep green on golden days. She wanted to watch him as he did this to her. As they did this together for the first time.

  Her breasts rose up and her nipples were hard. He leaned down to suck on her neck, then down to her nipples. She could feel how hard he was, beside her, naked. She could feel the wet tip and how close he was to her, and her mind was reeling, and she wanted to tell him to do it. She wanted to ask him to please.

  “Please.”

  She wanted him inside of her.

  He pushed her legs further apart with his own knees, and let one of her wrists free, while he clasped her other hand into his own. She reached up to push his hair away from his face. She wanted to look at him. He smiled at her and she felt like she might cry.

  With his free hand, he led himself into her, and it was easy, and it fit so completely, because she had wanted this, had been waiting, and the teasing had been going on for too long. The sharpness took her breath away and heat enclosed all of her, like the oxygen had all but been depleted. She wanted to breathe, but couldn’t, and she wanted to suck in all the air inside of him so she could breathe, so she lifted her head and her lips met his and they found one another and while he was moving in and out of her, purposeful, she was eating at his mouth, tasting all of him, devouring him up so she would not forget any of this.

  It had never been like this before.

  Chapter Ten

  When Marnie was 31

  There was one time she thought she was pregnant when Jeremy had just turned five, and Trey was finally potty-trained. Marnie had felt the tell-tale achy breasts, the fullness in her low abdomen, and then there was the missing period.

  She took the boys to Target, loaded them into one of the carts that felt like she was maneuvering farming equipment when she went through the aisles. Marnie stopped at the snack bar, something she never did, but this was going to be a big trip and she wanted to keep the boys occupied and happy.

  “What flavor Icees do you want boys?” she asked.

  “Gimme cherry!” Jeremy demanded.

  “Me wann blue one peeese!” Three-year-old Trey smiled at Marnie.

  Marnie imagined a baby carrier in the mix and felt herself go hot all over. How on earth would she handle three babies? God, what if she was pregnant? She tried to remember the last time she and Stuart had sex. He had come home and they had shared a couple bottles of wine that weekend. It was always when the wine was out. The red wine.

  But secretly, she was hoping. She wanted another baby. She really did. And this time, she wanted a baby girl, to complete her family. Then she’d be done. And she was still in her early thirties, perfect timing to round out her family. She’d have two boys, and a sweet little girl, she thought, as she grabbed cups for the Icees and made her way with the cart-limo over to the machines to get her boys their drinks.

  So what if Stuart wasn’t ready for another child? He wasn’t the one around to deal with it anyway. Marnie felt like she was finally in a place where she could handle it. Trey was potty-trained and in preschool two mornings a week. Jeremy would start kindergarten in the fall. Things were finally heading toward what normal might feel like.

  She handed each of her boys their Icees. “Let’s go get the things Mommy needs.”

  “Can we getta toy car Mama? Peeese? If we be good?” Trey, and that quirky little grin of his, held Marnie’s heart.

  “Mommy, will you take us to the pet store to look at the puppies? I want to pet the doggies! Will you buy us one Mommy today?” Jeremy was always lobbying for a dog.

  “Boys, if you’re good, we’ll go through the toy aisle and I’ll let you each get a Hot Wheels. No pet store today though, Jeremy. Now drink your Icees.”

  “Mine’s blue!” Trey said. “You’s red!”

  Marnie pushed the monstrosity of the cart through the aisles while the boys sipped their Icees until their lips turned blue and red, and they turned so cold their skin prickled with goose bumps. When she had a half-full cart, she slipped into the feminine aisle, and without giving it much thought, she reached for the first one that caught her eye – the Target brand pregnancy test, the one with the bull’s eye logo.

  She really wanted it to be positive.

  **

  The boys were asleep.

  “Stuart, I need you to come in here. In the bathroom.”

  “What is it hon?”

  “Here’s the thing, I’m late.”

  “For what?”

  “Stuart. My period. It’s late.”

  “You’re kidding?”

  “Not the reaction I was hoping for.”

  “Marnie, we’ve talked about this. Didn’t we decide… ”

  “No. Don’t do this. Not now. Right now, I want you to be here with me while I take this test. Be supportive. You’re part of this. You were part of it when we were having unprotected sex. So, for the next three minutes, I need you to be here with me while I take this test and wait until the results come. I might not even be pregnant. I don’t know. I just don’t want to do this alone. Okay?”

  “All right. Are you okay?”

  “I think so. I’m kind of scared.”

  “Okay. Maybe I am a bit too. I love you.”

  “Thank you. I love you too. Now I’m going to pee on this thing.”

  “Okay. How long do we wait after you pee?”

  “It says only sixty seconds.”

  “You sure do pee a lot.”

  “Well, I had to drink a
lot of water to make sure I saturate this thing. Okay, done. Now we wait. What should we talk about while it’s doing its thing?”

  “I don’t know – should we look at it?”

  “I’m not sure I want to. It might freak me out a little bit. Did you see how cute Trey was tonight at dinner when I made him try that asparagus?”

  “Yeah, he really didn’t want to.”

  “But telling him that it would make his pee smell weird was the kicker! That was a great idea. And then when the three of you went into the bathroom after dinner to test the theory! What a great way to reinforce the potty-training. You really are an awesome Dad, do you know that?”

  “We’re a good team. Together. We’re good parents.”

  “I know. We really are.”

  “You ready to look?”

  “I’m really scared. For both ways. I really want another baby.”

  “Marnie. Honey, let’s see what the test shows.”

  “It’s negative.”

  **

  When the test came out negative, Marnie sunk into depression while Stuart stood behind his theory that two children were plenty and that they didn’t need another child.

  “We’ve got it good Marnie. Things are going so smooth now.” Stuart said, “The boys are becoming independent. You can focus on getting back into work now. Take some photography courses, do some things for yourself. Spend some more time with Collette.”

  Marnie didn’t want to do these things. She wanted to complete her family. She wanted another baby to nurture and care for. She wanted to feel the need she felt when her babies depended solely on her – when she was the most important person in their little lives. Her boys were growing away from her. She needed to feel needed again.

  She began to think about how she had felt when she was with Joe – needed. Wanted.

  It had been such an intense relationship, where nothing else had mattered but satisfying each other’s immediate needs. Isn’t that what first love was all about? But had he been in love? She had been, she was sure of it. He had consumed every ounce of her being while they had been together. He had been her coming-of-age story. He was her history. More than just her history. He was the blueprint that created her future. He was the one guy that every girl remembers from her past. He was the one, and even though he tore through her life like a tornado and left an aftermath of sadness and grief, she could not forget him.

  Or maybe, because of that.

  Chapter Eleven

  July 1988

  “Ow.”

  “Don’t flinch.”

  “I didn’t think you would actually nick me!”

  Joe grinned at her, from down by her ankle where he was moving the razor up toward her knee. A spot of blood bubbled up, mixed in with shaving cream, spreading red until it turned milky pink. He kissed her ankle.

  God, he was so sexy.

  “There. All better now?”

  Marnie pouted out her lip, “Better.”

  He continued up her leg. She was perched on the bathroom vanity, and the bright light bulbs caused her to blink and spots swam before her eyes. Or maybe she felt this way because she was with Joe, and being with Joe always made her dizzy, a little off-center.

  If he hadn’t already told her he’d never done this to another girl, she wouldn’t have believed him; he was moving so smooth and carefully. Except for that one nick. But she trusted Joe, trusted everything he told her, believed everything he said. Perhaps that was a mistake.

  As he moved down to the ankle again, Marnie stretched her leg and flexed her toes. The pink polish was beginning to chip. Her thighs separated a little and she felt the warmth spread through her. He cleaned the edge of the razor, rinsed cream from her leg and looked up again.

  “Hey?”

  “Yeah?” she asked.

  “Let me shave the rest of you.”

  “Yeah, you can do the other leg.”

  “No. I mean, the rest of you.” He raised an eyebrow.

  “Eww. No way. Hair’s supposed to be there for a reason.”

  “Come on. I’ll be careful. It’s supposed to make sex even better,” Joe bargained.

  Marnie couldn’t imagine it being better than what they already had – sweaty-sticky-crazy-hot sex that went on for far longer than anyone deserved to feel that good, ending in orgasms that had her clinging to him, wanting them to continue but to stop at the same time. And, sometimes, even better, the calm afterward; of hearing the rhythmic thumping from within his sweaty chest, while she tried to quiet her own pulsing body.

  While she considered this, Joe said, “But I’ll need scissors too.”

  **

  Afterward, he kissed her, and explored her the way no one had, or would, maybe ever. He plunged into her, with his fingers, his mouth, his tongue, nipping and licking and moaning like she had never heard him. The friction of her bareness was more sensitive than she had imagined it would be, and excruciating too, but incredibly so. Her legs wrapped around him, she thrust upward wanting more. If only he could crawl up inside her and stay. To make her feel this way anytime she wanted.

  If only.

  Chapter Twelve

  When Marnie was 23

  Marnie thought she saw him once, at a street fair.

  She was living with Collette in the city, and working as an assistant photographer for a hip city social magazine that she knew would probably fold by decade’s end because it was just that kind of magazine. Hip now, but would never survive the cut-throat publishing industry. But it was a job, and it paid the bills, and she was content mostly, in her job, and in her social life. Except that everywhere she turned, in every man she met, she looked for him.

  The street fair was winding down and the headlining band, Poi Dog Pondering, just finished their last set. The sidewalks were still packed as Marnie said goodbye to her photo editor and the food designer from the magazine. As she crossed the street to head back to the apartment, she glanced to her left and saw a man who looked like Joe talking to a group of people.

  In fact, she was sure it was him. With that perfect strong jaw line and the way he lifted his head as he laughed with his friends, to the way he tilted his beer bottle to take a drink, it had to be him. If she were closer, she was positive there’d be that dimple on the one side of his face too. But she was just drunk enough and just far enough away to second-guess herself. Had she had one more of the vodka lemonade slushies she drank at the fair, she would have run up to him, turned his shoulder, and forced him to look at her. To really look at her, like he did that first night. She knew if she had been brave enough, to have confronted him, that moment would have possibly shifted her whole life in another direction completely.

  She hadn’t tempted fate that night, whether it was nerves, or fear that if it had been him, he might have rejected her. For whatever reason, she hadn’t been brave enough. And the moment was lost on her, an opportunity to change her future. And then the crowd swallowed him up, just like the fog that was covering the half-moon that night.

  **

  After that, the image of him stayed with her for weeks. She couldn’t get him out of her head. When she told Collette she thought she saw him at the street fair, Collette pushed the issue.

  “Well,” Collette said, “You can sit here and wonder your whole life, or you can grow a set and find out what the hell happened. Your choice.” And she handed Marnie the phone.

  Marnie knew his family owned the Italian bakery where they had grown up, that it had been in their family for decades, and that it was still a thriving business. He had taken her there once. She also knew his parent’s phone number where he had lived. He had taken her there too, at Christmas that year.

  She tried since college to forget, to forget everything. But because after what had been known as “the horrible incident and what that asshole did to you” by not only her roommate Devon but by Collette too, how could she forget?

  For Marnie, this had become more than a question of why Joe never contacted her afte
r that last phone call. It became a piece of grief she held onto. Because of him, Marnie would always worry about what she would tell her future husband, and whether or not she would be able to…

  Yes, she needed that closure. She wanted closure so she could get on with her life, try to meet and date new men, try to find someone to love who would love her back. Marnie deserved it.

  One night, after happy hour, and an extra vodka tonic to keep her nerves steady, she and Collette went back to their apartment, and her hands shook as she dialed his parent’s number. She hung up when she heard what must have been his mother’s voice on the answering machine.

  “I can’t do this,” Marnie’s voice cracked.

  “What were you going to say anyway?” Collette asked.

  “I have no fucking clue.”

  “Right.”

  “Right. But what a bastard.” Marnie sunk to the couch and Collette moved from the kitchen to sit by her.

  “Hon, I know, but you’ve got to get on with the rest of us, the people who care about you in the world.”

  “I’m not that bad, am I?” Marnie laid her head onto the zebra-patterned pillow while Collette pushed her hair away from her face.

  “Only when you’re thinking about him,” Collette said.

  Marnie gave up for a while, tried to stop obsessing about what happened, about the fact that he never even really knew what had happened, that that was actually the worst part, that maybe things would have been so much different had he known. That maybe he wasn’t the person she had thought him to be all these years, that maybe he would have turned out to be someone different, and the circumstances could have been different.

  If she hadn’t done what she had done.

  Chapter Thirteen

  August 1988

  Marnie saw that Joe had already pulled up and she went to her dresser to clip her hair back so her neck was bare. He liked her hair up. She had on a tight black tee and a jean skirt, another pair of new undies underneath. She put on the topaz necklace she had gotten for high school graduation, and thought about her parents, kind of missing them. She kind of missed the lake too. Maybe she would ask Joe if he wanted to take a quick trip to the lake one of these weekends. They had been spending every free minute together; she was pretty sure he’d agree to go. But then, Marnie kind of liked the idea of Joe all to herself.