A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  Marnie felt like this was a little bit of a gift from Stuart, and she reached for his hand. He took hers, and together, they went downstairs to talk to their children.

  **

  “But we asked for a puppy!” Trey cried.

  “Yeah, and what if the baby comes out with a vidgy and not a winger?” Jeremy said. “If it’s not a boy can we send it back?!”

  “Boys,” Stuart said. “We don’t know what kind of baby is inside Mommy. We’re just very happy that she’s going to have a baby and that you are going to be big brothers. Both of you.”

  Trey’s eyes lit up. “You mean I get to be a big brother?”

  “Yes, Trey, you do,” Marnie said, relieved to see that there might be a bright spot in the conversation.

  “Cool! So I will have someone to beat up too! And Jeremy can stop beating up only me!” Trey stuck his tongue out at his big brother.

  “Boys. This is not how it’s going to work.” Stuart said. “We’re having another baby. We’re going to love this baby, and take care of this baby like we love and take care of you boys, whether it’s a boy or a girl. Got it?”

  “Got it,” Jeremy said.

  “Okay,” Trey said.

  “Good,” Stuart said.

  “Mom?” Jeremy looked up from his spot on the couch. “I have some questions.”

  Marnie hadn’t even considered they’d have questions. She didn’t prepare for this. She was still dumbstruck over the fact that Stuart was speaking to her, and couldn’t even begin to wonder what questions Jeremy had. She scrambled to think back when she first discovered how babies were made and knew she would have to come up with something reasonable to tell them, something to hold them off until they were old enough to understand the facts, but nothing silly like a seed flowering a plant.

  “What kind of questions, sweetie?” she asked.

  “Well, they’re kinda really important about the baby,” he said.

  Marnie looked to Stuart for support but he shrugged.

  “Okay,” Marnie said, “Go ahead.”

  “Are you gonna get even fatter, and since we’re not getting a dog, can we name the baby Bastard instead?”

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  December 1988

  “Mom, is it okay if I have a guest for dinner Christmas Eve?”

  “Are Collette’s parents going out of town?”

  “Not Collette. Joe.”

  “That boy from the summer? When did he turn up again? And Christmas? Isn’t that a little serious?”

  “Mom, what do you expect? We go to different schools. Kind of hard for him to be around when I’m not even around. I met him out the other night, and we want to hang out. You guys should meet him, don’t you think?” Marnie knew that would get her mother to say yes, even though the thought of parental introductions at this point scared the absolute hell out of her.

  Marnie’s mother eyed her suspiciously.

  “He can come for dessert.”

  **

  The doorbell rang and Marnie didn’t get up from the kitchen bar stool. Her mother was washing a Christmas platter.

  “Well, it’s not for me,” her dad said.

  “Please Daddy, you go answer it!”

  Marnie didn’t want to open the door and see him standing there; she couldn’t believe he was actually back. Back in her life. And while she had promised herself she wasn’t going to make it easy on him, they had spent every moment together when she wasn’t working at The Bean.

  But Marnie wasn’t going there yet. Joe had tried and she had said no, and fortunately, Joe hadn’t pushed her to do anything she didn’t want to, although she wanted to, desperately. Marnie was conflicted though; her mind was a mess of emotions from everything that had happened, but she still wanted to be with him so badly, yet she wanted him to know how much he had hurt her. It was all so confusing to her.

  He had been incredible, attentive, kind, apologetic, doting almost to the point where Marnie was beginning to feel that everything she had felt over the summer had been absolutely positively real. It also made her ache to know that she had been pregnant, and that he had no idea what happened to her, what could have happened to her, to them. She didn’t want to tell him either, because she was frightened he might decide not to risk it again, to leave again, to forget about her for real this time. Marnie didn’t want that, but she knew that she would have to eventually tell him about the pregnancy. About how he could have been a father. That they could have been parents. She figured for now, she’d wait and see.

  “Merry Christmas Mr. Kretts.” The sound of Joe’s voice in her home, talking with her father, forced a lump in her throat. Marnie’s mom looked over at her.

  “Nervous honey?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Don’t be. He’s just a boy. There’ll be more of them.”

  Her mother had no clue.

  Marnie and her mother left the kitchen to greet Joe, who was carrying a poinsettia plant in one hand, and a huge bouquet of chrysanthemums in the other. Yellow ones. Her favorite. She wondered what efforts he must have gone to get them as she didn’t think they were in season this time of year. He was dressed in pressed black pants and a gray and red sweater. She had never seen him so dressed up before. He looked stunning. Her heart flipped.

  “Hi.”

  “Merry Christmas, Marnie, Mrs. Kretts.”

  When he leaned into her and kissed her on the lips in front of her parents, Marnie felt the blush and heat rise to her cheeks.

  “These are for you.” He handed the yellow flowers to Marnie.

  “They’re beautiful. Mom, this is Joe.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Marnie’s mom said. Marnie could tell her mother was impressed when Joe handed the poinsettia to her.

  “Oh, it’s gorgeous. How thoughtful of you.”

  **

  “Thanks so much, Mr. and Mrs. Kretts. Dessert was wonderful.”

  If dessert had been a job interview, Joe would have nailed it; he passed perfectly, answering all Marnie’s father’s questions and impressing Marnie’s mom, even helping to clear away the dessert plates. At one point, he boldly took Marnie’s hand and held it as they chatted about school and future plans. Marnie could tell her parents liked Joe.

  “Think I could steal Marnie away for a bit? My parents would really like to meet her.”

  While Marnie’s parents nodded their approval, Marnie’s mind swung, pendulum style. This, she was not prepared for. She didn’t think she would have to do the parent thing too. He had never mentioned meeting his family.

  She grabbed her coat, and tried to make her way upstairs. “I just need to check my hair,” she said, but Joe stopped her from doing so.

  “You look great, beautiful. You don’t need to do anything.”

  Marnie’s mother glowed with approval as Marnie wrapped her new Christmas scarf around her neck. She kissed her parents goodbye as Joe waited by the front door.

  “Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Kretts. Thank you for having me.”

  “Merry Christmas, Joe,” Marnie’s mom gave him a hug, and she knew that he had won over her mom and dad.

  Marnie’s dad patted him on the shoulder. Joe placed his hand on Marnie’s back, but not too low, as he led her out the door of her parents’ house.

  “It was a pleasure to meet you both. Thanks again.”

  The Christmas lights sparkled, and snowflakes spun in the wind. Marnie could not have remembered a more beautiful Christmas her whole life. Joe grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and he pulled her toward his car.

  “Your parents are great,” Joe said. “Let’s go.”

  Marnie recognized his neighborhood when Joe turned into the subdivision marked by stately marquees. Ginger Creek. She knew where he lived, but had never been to his house. It had just been easier to spend time at Marnie’s since her parents had been at the lake all summer. Marnie took note of the green-lit trimmed-trees that lined the street, each uniformly decorated. On individual homes, there were o
nly red, white or green lights, and no flashing rooftop reindeer or larger-than-life blow-up snow globes.

  “Where are the plastic life-size Santas?” Marnie joked.

  “The Home Owner’s Association won’t allow any of that. They have specific rules for decorating.”

  “Ooh, fancy.”

  When they pulled up to Joe’s house, Marnie wasn’t all that surprised to see the stately two-story, three-car garage brick home. She knew from the car he drove, the clothes he wore, and the fact his family owned a bakery and a trucking company that he came from money. Single candles flickered in each of the upstairs windows, and two small shrubs were tangled up in green and red lights. There was a poinsettia wreath on the front door with lights on it, but other than that, the house was dark.

  As Joe led Marnie up the walk, he turned and stopped her on the front step. “I forgot to mention one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Nobody’s home.” He smiled.

  “Nobody’s home.” Marnie repeated.

  Joe unlocked the front door and led Marnie inside. It looked exactly as she had thought Joe’s home might look. Clean, white, classy.

  The tree – probably twelve feet tall to accommodate the cathedral ceiling of the living room, stood majestically in the center of the front window, a pile of unopened presents, all wrapped in the same glossy green paper and satin white bows, underneath.

  Joe flicked on a switch, and the tree lit up, not typical white bulbs, but shiny gold prisms sparkled through the room. Marnie stepped toward the tree, and Joe said, “Go ahead… there’re some cheesy homemade ornaments.”

  Marnie touched the glass ornaments, and wondered what it would have been like, to be here with Joe and his family, decorating the tree. She found a paper plate ornament with his preschool photo glued onto it. She imagined Joe’s four-year-old fingers struggling to piece the green yarn through the hole on top of the plate. She pictured him biting his lip as he squeezed the Elmer’s glue onto the back of his photo before smashing it over the blob, securing the photo in place. She smiled.

  “You like that one?”

  “Yes. I guess I’m just trying to picture you as a little innocent kid.”

  “Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. I’m not so innocent.”

  Marnie cast her eyes lower on the tree, did not want to look at Joe, to have him tell her he’s not innocent, but maybe he was admitting to being guilty of treating her wrongly. She looked up again, and he was looking at her through the glow of the light.

  “Where is everyone?” she asked.

  “The country club, then midnight family bowling. I got out of it. I wanted to see you. They won’t be back for a couple of hours.”

  “I thought your grandma lived with you?”

  “She’s at my aunt’s for the holiday.”

  “Oh.” Marnie didn’t know what else to say. She just kept looking at the tree.

  “I have something for you.” And he bent down and chose the smallest gift in the pile, the only one she hadn’t noticed. It wasn’t wrapped like the others. This gift was wrapped in solid blue shiny paper, with a teeny gold bow on top.

  “I didn’t get you anything. It’s only been like… we haven’t been… I don’t know… ”

  “I know. But I wanted to. I know I hurt you before, and I… well, this is a Christmas gift. And it’s Christmas. You can get me one next year.” He grinned at her and she stepped toward him, looking at the small rectangular package.

  “I just feel… Well, it sounds stupid to say, but you shouldn’t have.”

  “Take it. Please.”

  Marnie sat on the couch, and Joe sat next to her, placing the gift in her hands. He kept his hands on top of hers for a moment, and Marnie willed her hands to stop shaking. Finally, she slipped her finger through the top of the paper and peeled off the layer of wrap. A simple white box was underneath. When she pulled the lid off, she found a watch.

  It was the perfect gift. Not too intimate, pretty with a gold bracelet linked band. She pulled it out and Joe took it and placed it on her wrist.

  “It’s really pretty, Joe. I love it.” Marnie looked at him. “Thank you.”

  “Thank you,” Joe paused. “Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for letting me be with you.”

  He took her in his arms and she breathed in his scent, smelling the all-familiar Obsession, putting it once again to memory, thinking she would never again have a Christmas like this in her life, hoping that Joe would stay around, hoping that he meant what he said about her being able to get him a gift next year.

  Chapter Fifty

  The Pregnancy – May 2004

  “When can I be on a real team, Mommy?” Trey asked from his spot on the bleachers, his ball cap covering his eyes. Marnie tipped it away from his face so she could look at him.

  “Honey, you are on a real team,” she said.

  “No, I mean a team like Jeremy, with a real pitcher. I don’t want to play dumb T-ball anymore.”

  Stuart, who was on the other side of Trey, jumped in. “Buddy, next season, okay? I promise. And maybe I’ll even be able to coach you, and then I could pitch the ball to you. Would you like that?”

  Marnie lifted her eyes to Stuart, “What are you talking about?” And then she lowered her voice so Trey couldn’t hear. “Don’t make him promises you can’t keep.”

  “Maybe I’m not.”

  Marnie turned her attention back to the game. Jeremy was up to bat. “Come on Jeremy!”

  Later, after dinner and showers, and reading books to the boys and kisses and tuck-ins, Marnie lay in bed reading Pregnancy Now magazine. Stuart came into the room and pointed to the bed, “You’ve got room for me?”

  “Of course.”

  He sat down onto the bed and nodded to her belly. “So, how are you feeling?”

  “You really want to know?”

  “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know. It’s my baby too.”

  Marnie felt the edges of her lips move into what felt like a smile, something that rarely happened these days.

  “I’m exhausted, that’s how I feel. But grateful too. And still very, very sorry.”

  “I get it. How about we try to move on from all of that now?” Stuart suggested.

  “Huh?” she asked.

  “From you being sorry and so guilty and from me being hurt and angry. It’s not doing either one of us very much good. And it can’t be doing the baby any good either. It is what it is, right. The baby’s here. We’re having the baby. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. We will figure this whole thing out. Together. Okay?”

  He took her hand, a gesture she had been hoping for, and it felt warm and reassuring in her own cold hand.

  “Okay.”

  “Good. Now I’m going to go take a quick shower and then I expect my normal non-sorry, pregnant wife to be in this bed when I get back. Deal?”

  “I’m trying.”

  Marnie put her magazine down and shut off her nightstand light. She pulled up the covers and sank deep down into the comforter. She reveled in the coolness of the white cotton sheets. The days were beginning to get warm and the sheets felt so cool and crisp on her tired and achy body. She placed her hands along the width of her stomach and felt the tightness there.

  And that’s when it happened. At first she wasn’t quite sure, but then it happened again.

  The soft flutter inside. A quick move, a little roll, but she felt it, and that’s when it hit her.

  All of her insecurities, all of the doubts and fears, whatever had been holding her back before, vanished with that first connection with her baby.

  She kept her hand on her belly, and felt its firmness, low and hard. She felt the soft roll of her baby again, imagined her baby safe inside, moving slowly and gently, and then, a firm quick kick.

  Marnie jumped, and then she laughed.

  Stuart was back in the room now. “What’s up?” he asked.

  “Come, put your hand
on my belly.” She reached up for him.

  “I just felt our baby move.”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  December 1988

  When they pushed open the door at The Bean, Marnie and Joe were not surprised to see the place practically empty as Paula greeted them. It was raining so badly out, and it was so cold, they figured it would soon be turning to slushy snow and icicles. They shook the chill off, removed their jackets and gloves, stomped their feet. Marnie shook her stringy wet hair and Joe took off his gray fleece hat. His hair sprung up from static electricity and Marnie reached up to fix it.

  “Your hair’s a mess,” she said.

  “Yours too,” he smiled at her as they moved to their booth.

  They sat there, drinking coffee at The Bean, and he touched her wrist, played with the watch he gave her, moved his fingers in and out of the band. It continued to rain outside, the kind of freezing rain that would at any moment turn into something different. Maybe something wonderful. Marnie didn’t care if it turned into a blizzard. She was happy being there with him, and if they got stuck in The Bean forever, she wouldn’t care.

  Joe reached for her face and touched cheek her gently.

  “Your mascara, it’s running.” He wiped it from just below her eye.

  She sipped at her coffee. God, she couldn’t believe he was here again.

  “You got a pen in that bag of yours?” he asked.

  “Sure, probably.” Marnie dug around until she came up with a couple of pens. “Here you go. Why?”

  “Let’s play some games.”

  He drew a tic-tac-toe board on a napkin and they began to play. Marnie was giddy. From the caffeine, from the rain, and from being there, again with Joe. Paula came by to refill their cups.

  “You guys want anything to eat?” Paula asked.

  “Thanks, maybe a little later,” Joe said.