A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  “I think this game’s about over,” Joe announced, who was fully dressed, minus a shoe.

  Marnie looked at him gratefully, her arms crossed over her bare breasts.

  “No way man, we’re just getting started!” one of the soccer dudes shouted.

  “Nope. Over,” Joe said.

  Collette leaned over to grab her clothes and Joe reached for Marnie’s clothes and whispered to her, “Come with me.” She stood up but wobbled and fell back into her chair.

  “Whoa, you okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, okay.”

  He found the bathroom, and grabbed Marnie’s jeans to help her into them. Instead, Marnie grabbed onto Joe’s belt loops and tugged at his pants, giggling. Joe lifted her up by her shoulders and looked into her glassy eyes.

  “Hon.”

  He never called her hon. She liked that.

  “What. Hon?” She repeated, smiling big.

  “Earlier tonight Collette said something to me, something kind of rude,” Joe said.

  “Mmm?”

  “She came up to me in the kitchen when I went to fill up our beers, and she said I was an asshole to you, and that I better never pull any shit like that again, like she was threatening me, almost.”

  Marnie didn’t say anything.

  “We’re cool, though, right? I mean, we talked about everything from last semester, about everything that happened, and you and I are okay? There’s nothing else is there? It’s like the girl hates me.”

  “Do you think I’d be here doing what I’m about to do to you if there was anything wrong?”

  “What are you about to do?”

  “I wanna play some more,” she said.

  “Play what?” he asked.

  “Strip poker. You didn’t get nekkid.”

  “I didn’t lose.”

  “You’re gonna lose now,” Marnie giggled. “Some pants.”

  Marnie hooked her thumbs inside the waist of his pants, and slid her fingers slowly around the sides. She kissed his neck and nipped at his earlobe until she heard him moan. There was a knock on the door.

  “Someone’s in here.” Joe said.

  “Someone’s definitely in here,” Marnie whispered to Joe.

  She kissed his neck some more, and then she unbuckled his belt, unsnapped and unzipped his pants. Playfully, she took him in her hands, and still kissing his earlobe, she pushed his pants all the way down, but didn’t remove his underwear. She grabbed at his butt, and squeezed, listening for his moans, and moved her hands to the front, kissing her way down, over his chest, and then, then, she knelt onto the ground, pulled down his underwear and took him into her mouth. He moved his body against the bathroom door and reached his hands to grab her hair.

  Sweet Child O’ Mine played in the other room.

  They moved together in rhythm and he had his hands in her hair, and her hands were on his hips and she took him all in, and she wanted him, and it didn’t matter that her knees hurt and her mouth would ache tomorrow, and she would have a killer hangover. What mattered was now, that she was doing this to him, and making him feel good, and that he was here with her.

  The music blared from behind the door but it was just the two of them, here in this moment, and all she could think of was Joe and the lyrics from the song:

  “Where do we go now? Sweet Child O’ Mine?”

  Chapter Sixty

  August 2004

  The first time she saw an infant after the stillbirth had been an ordinary day at an unassuming place. Marnie hadn’t even considered the fact that seeing a newborn would be a problem; her emotions had been so flat-lined, emotionally dead up until that point.

  For the first few weeks after Marnie lost the baby, she had been going through the motions. She would get up, shower maybe, and make the boys breakfast – those god-awful frozen waffles they loved with the damn syrup that always got everywhere. They’d play in the backyard, and the kids would mention how much fun it would be to have a dog. Then, when it got too hot, they’d go inside, put together some Legos, read, and have lunch. Marnie would put a movie in for the boys, take a pill and then a two-hour nap. Dinner, something microwavable. Baths and bed.

  Sometimes Collette and the kids would come over and bring something better for dinner and make them take a walk around the block or go for ice cream. When Stuart was home, he’d help Marnie get through Thursday through Sunday. Things were only slightly better than bearable. On the surface.

  As long as Marnie didn’t think that she had just given birth to a dead baby.

  They had done an autopsy. Final results determined that her daughter had been beautiful, perfect in every way imaginable. Preeclampsia. No need for anything technical. Dead baby. That’s all the technicality you need when it comes to something that horrible.

  She thought of her two dead babies, and the thoughts consumed her. Her first baby, the one she knew she couldn’t take care of – what would she have done if Joe had been around? But really, if she had had that first baby, she wouldn’t have had Jeremy and Trey, and Stuart. And if Joe had been around, would he have even owned up to his responsibilities and been a man – wanted that baby? God, she was only nineteen then. What did she know when she was nineteen? What the hell did she know now? She didn’t know anything. All she knew now was that she needed to take a pill every day to cope with getting out of bed.

  And did her own husband even care about what she was going through? They hadn’t even had a discussion about what happened, but Marnie blamed herself. It was her fault because she got pregnant without letting him know her intentions; and then she hadn’t even given him time to process the fact; how could he even process the fact that they lost the baby?

  When he was home, she didn’t really want to talk about it. She didn’t know how to talk about it. There wasn’t anything to say, was there? She spent much time alone, mourning the baby daughter she would never have. It was hard for she and Stuart to have time together to process the grief, especially with the boys requiring so much attention, but she wondered how sad Stuart really felt. Marnie knew she would grieve for a long time; after all, it hadn’t even been eight weeks. Not much time to grieve your dead baby, Marnie reminded herself as she pulled the car into the dentist parking lot.

  The boys jumped out of the car and tore across the parking lot, and Marnie thought to herself, Great, I’m going to have more dead kids if they don’t watch it. And then to the boys, she yelled, “Trey! Jeremy! Wait!”

  Inside, the boys were already nose-against-glass to the aquarium and pointing at the eel and Nemo fish, and searching for the blow fish that made a visit to the dentist actually fun.

  “Mom! I found Eli the eel first! I did! He’s still here!” Trey shouted.

  Marnie attempted a smile and made her way to the receptionist. “Hi, Jacklyn.”

  “Hi Mrs. Werner, the boys have gotten big.”

  “Yes, they have.”

  “I’ve been brushing good!” Trey offered.

  “I’m sure Dr. Moore will be pleased,” Jacklyn smiled.

  “Whatcha got in the treasure chest?” Trey asked.

  “Trey!” Marnie reprimanded.

  “Well Trey, you know, you have to do really well for Dr. Moore before you can check out the treasure box.”

  “I’m always good for the dentist,” Trey said, showing off his teeth. “And I hope there’s a dog bone in the treasure box or something we can get for our dog.”

  “Oh, you guys got a dog?” Jacklyn asked.

  “No. They did not get a dog,” Marnie said.

  “Not yet anyway, but we are gonna, since we didn’t get the baby,” Trey said.

  Marnie’s mouth grew tight and Jeremy kicked his brother.

  “Ouch! What’d you do that for! You’re the one who told me now we’ll probably get our puppy!”

  Jacklyn turned her attention to something at the computer and said, “You guys have a seat, and we’ll be calling you in a bit. We’re a little backed up. Why don’t you guys try to f
ind the hermit crab in the aquarium? We got him a couple of weeks ago. He’s got a purple shell.”

  Marnie was grateful for the distraction and the boys ran back over to the aquarium. She moved to a red leather chair and grabbed the closest magazine, New Parent. Not a good choice. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes.

  That’s when the door opened and a mother came in with a double baby stroller and a young child. Immediately, Trey moved from the aquarium to the stroller.

  Marnie’s body went hot.

  “Hey, Lady,” Trey said, “’Scuse me, but do you got two babies in there?”

  “Trey!” Marnie exclaimed, “Don’t be rude!” Marnie did not want to engage the woman in any type of conversation.

  “Oh no, it’s fine. I get this a lot,” the woman said to Marnie. To Trey, she said, “Yes, honey, they’re twins.”

  “Mom,” Trey said, “How come she gets two and you don’t get any?”

  “Trey, hush, the babies might be sleeping. You’re too loud,” Marnie felt her face turn red.

  Trey turned to the mom with twins. “Wow! Cool! What are they?” He took a peek inside the baby carriers. Marnie tried not to look but the woman had plopped her diaper bag, purse and young son right next to her, so there was nothing else Marnie could do but stare at the babies.

  “I have a baby boy and a little girl. And this is my other son, Caden,” she pointed to the boy, obviously there to get his teeth cleaned, who looked about four years old. “He’s a big brother, aren’t you Caden?”

  “I don’t get to be a big brother anymore,” Trey said sadly, still transfixed on the babies. Jeremy moved away from the aquarium to take a look as well.

  “So, are they like, identrical?” Trey asked.

  The mom looked at Marnie and smiled that knowing mom look, but before she could say anything, Jeremy chimed in. “No, you stupid head. They can’t be identical. Duh. One has a winger and the other has a vidgy!” Then Jeremy looked at the mom and explained, “He’s only six. He doesn’t know everything yet. Not like me. I’m eight.”

  The mom looked at Marnie. “Your boys are darling.”

  Marnie managed a “thank you” and, “You have beautiful children.”

  As if on cue, both of the babies started crying and a mix of fear and panic spread across the mother’s face.

  “Oh my gosh, I was afraid of this.” She tried to soothe her babies, while also reaching up to her breasts as if to stop them from leaking. She rummaged through her diaper bag.

  “Are they hungry?” Marnie asked, and looked around the waiting room. Why is this waiting room completely empty and how come they haven’t called us yet?

  “I’m not sure. I… can you hold one for a minute? I might need to change a diaper. Or two,” she laughed.

  “Um.”

  “Please?”

  “Mom, hold the baby!” Jeremy said, “You gotta make it stop crying!”

  “Okay.” Marnie reached her hands out to take the baby girl from the mother, who looked so grateful Marnie wanted to cry. But Marnie wanted to cry for other reasons too.

  The baby settled into Marnie’s arms immediately, and she felt the hormones in her body surge into a thousand smashed up pieces. It didn’t feel good. It felt like being given a gift that wasn’t hers to keep. She smelled the precious newborn baby smell, and knew she’d probably never hold and smell a newborn of her own again. She didn’t feel right holding this baby. She had to give it back to her mother. Now. Before she went just a little bit more crazy than she already felt.

  Fortunately, the baby calmed, and Jacklyn called for Jeremy and Trey. “Here’s your baby.” Marnie gently handed the baby to her mother, who had changed the baby boy’s diaper and now seemed much more relaxed.

  “Thank you so much. This is harder than I thought it would be.” the mother said. “Thank you for helping me.”

  “You’re welcome,” Marnie replied, and then to her sons, “Come on boys.”

  Yes, Marnie thought to herself, this was harder than I thought it would be too.

  Chapter Sixty-One

  January 1989

  “Joe says he spent New Year’s Eve with you?”

  It was Marnie’s night to close The Bean and it was after midnight. Trina, wearing a black pea coat and purple knit hat, stood at Marnie’s car door, her arms crossed accusingly tight against her chest. She stood in Marnie’s way so that she couldn’t get into her car. She looked warm, despite the below zero temps, and ready for a fight.

  Trina stepped closer to Marnie, so that she was looking into her eyes. It was the first time Marnie really got a close look at the girl. She was actually pretty, if she wasn’t so bitchy, and Marnie did kind of feel sorry for her. After all, her father had committed suicide. Marnie noticed her eyes were hard and dark gray, like steel, like she kept secrets there, and this made Marnie frightened, like what kind of secrets did she have? Her hair was naturally curly, Marnie knew this from their encounter over the summer, although tonight, most of it had been tucked under the purple hat. She was a slight girl; Marnie had more curves than she did. But Trina, well, Trina had a fierceness about her, and Marnie was afraid Trina could beat her up if she wanted to.

  “So, did you? Spend New Year’s Eve with him?” she asked again.

  Marnie tried to swallow her fear. “If that’s what he says.” She saw her breath come out in cold clouds as she said the words. She tried to stay calm, but inside her heart raced, and even though it was so cold out, she felt her blood move through her, heating her whole body.

  “What are you doing with him? Don’t you know about us?” Trina practically shouted.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Marnie said boldly, blowing air into her bare hands and rubbing them together. She had left her gloves in her car.

  “You’re just getting in the way.” And then, suddenly, Trina looked as if she might cry. Maybe she wasn’t as tough as Marnie thought.

  “Can you please move so I can go home? You’re in my way.” Marnie felt shaky, and at any minute she thought she might cry as well, and she didn’t want to do that in front of Trina. Why was this girl attacking her, and what was the story of her and Joe? Joe had told her they were through. Had he told her everything?

  “Joe and I have history. History. A lifetime of it,” Trina said, now through tears. “Something you and he will never have. We are closer than family. You have no idea.”

  “Whatever I needed to hear, I’ve heard from Joe,” Marnie said.

  “You don’t have a clue,” Trina spat. “Do you know what I’ve been through? Do you have any idea? And then you come along and steal him right from me! When everything is falling to shit. My God, did you not hear my father is dead? And you’re just trying to ruin my life!”

  “Look, I don’t know you. I don’t want to know you. I’m very sorry about your father. I can’t tell Joe what to do. I’m sorry you’re freaking out, but this… this, whatever this attack is all about, you need to take it up with him, not me.”

  Trina’s eyes were filled with tears now, and she glared hard with hatred at Marnie, deciding what to do, what to say next.

  “You have no clue what you’re in for. You’ll see. You’ll see.”

  Trina pushed her way past Marnie, slamming hard against her shoulder, got into her car and drove off. When Marnie felt that she could catch her breath, she got into her car, put the keys into the ignition and turned the heat on full blast. She sat there for a moment to steady her nerves. The Cure’s Love Song played on the cassette tape.

  And then, only then, did she let the tears fall.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  August 2004

  Marnie was trying so hard to get on with her life. She had kept the first appointment with the therapist she had made before she lost the baby, a lovely woman named Eva, and she kept going, but all she did during the first three sessions was cry. Eva told Marnie this was a very good start to therapy, and wrote Marnie a prescription for Lexapro for her depression iss
ues.

  Stuart, while he had not yet had a moment of breakdown over the loss, continued to be caring and doting toward Marnie and the boys. He oversaw the children, gave them their shower or bath, made dinner, played ball with them when he was home. He continuously asked Marnie how she was doing, but didn’t really talk to her about what was going on inside her head, what she was feeling inside of her heart. He didn’t know how to sympathize with their loss, so it felt very much like the loss was Marnie’s alone to endure. However much she wanted to resent him for this, Marnie couldn’t place blame on him for anything. She felt he was doing all he could, yet she felt totally alone and lost.

  The boys didn’t understand what happened really, but they knew it was something bad, and behaved very well when Marnie first lost the baby. Then, once they saw their mommy start showering, doing laundry, and making breakfast, they figured all was normal, and the fighting and picking on one another began again.

  As if all could be righted in the world that simply.

  “I’ve got to do something,” Marnie confessed to Collette once the normalcy in everyone else’s lives resumed.

  “Pick up your camera. You know you’ve got clients waiting.”

  So she did, and her business continued to thrive, but every time there was a family to shoot with a little baby, there was an ache that couldn’t be patched, and when Marnie would tell the family to smile, or ask a mom to hold a newborn this way or that way, her heart would shrivel a little more. The pain, she feared, would last a long while.

  She began to weave the two pregnancies together – the abortion and the stillbirth, blaming her actions for the first for why the second occurred.

  If only I didn’t do that, this one wouldn’t have happened.

  If I hadn’t gotten the abortion, then I wouldn’t be punished with this pain I’m feeling now.

  God’s punishing me, I know He is.

  This is my sentencing.

  She couldn’t understand that what she had done when she was nineteen had been the right thing to do at the right time, and that what had happened to her now was nothing she had any control of.