Own (Need #3)

by K. I. Lynn

  “I haven’t even been here five minutes and you’re trying to get in my pants.”

  He chuckles against my skin, a feeling that turns me on even more. I’ll combust one day if he doesn’t slow down.

  “That’s what happens on Wednesday’s when our schedules clash and I don’t see you for over twenty-four hours.” He paws at my shirt, pushing it up as his suckable lips press against mine.

  “Horny motherfucker,” I say against his mouth as I grab hold of his cock that’s so hard, it’s filling his jeans.

  I haven’t seen him since lunch yesterday, and touching wasn’t possible. A project from one of my classes kept me late in the library and I crashed in my dorm.

  If I had to admit it, the truth is I hate not being able to touch him, but I love his primal need that comes out after. It’s a beast that overtakes us both.

  He chuckles and dips down, grabbing my legs and wrapping them around his waist as he presses me against the wall. “I could have gotten off by myself, but I know how much you like to watch.”

  The dampness of my panties grows as he grinds into me and I let out a small moan. “Fuck, yes.”

  I do. Dirty, perverted, watching his body tense, face screwed up, mouth open as his cock fires off. A cock I’m dying to have pounding the shit out of me, right now.

  “Through every class I kept thinking of every motherfucker looking at you, wanting you. I didn’t even notice this girl come on to me.”

  I love his jealousy, but my mood is soured by the mention of some chick on his dick. “Yeah?”

  He pulls back, eyes meeting mine, noticing the change. “I told her ‘Sorry, my girlfriend owns all of me.’”

  I blink at him and push back against his chest. “Girlfriend?”

  His brow scrunches, lip twitching like I’m playing with him. “Yeah. You.”

  Two things happen simultaneously when he says that—an explosion of happiness that he called me his girlfriend and the overwhelming need to get away from him.

  I wiggle out of his arms, getting my feet back on the floor and step away from him. The vibe in the room is off. I push my hair back from my face before turning to him. There’s a confused look on his face as he watches me.

  “I’m not your girlfriend,” I say.

  I can’t be.

  We aren’t in a defined relationship. I never agreed to it.

  We simply can’t be.

  The change in his demeanor is noticeable. All the playfulness leaves him, and the testosterone powerhouse takes over, bracing himself for a fight. It’s a reaction I’ve watched many times over the years.

  “The last month . . .” He clenches his jaw and looks down before back up to me. “What is this to you?”

  My mind is blank. This is unexpected. His reaction . . . but it is what I’ve let it be. “Sex.”

  “And that’s it?” His hands begin to shake, while my own fidget in front of me.

  I hadn’t thought about it, about what we are. We just . . . are. We wanted and took it.

  He calls me his, and I know deep down that I am, but we can’t label this. Not with the way things are.

  I’m still hurting from seeing that video, for fuck’s sake! It’s only been a week in a half.

  “Friends.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

  It’s the only answer I can come up with. I love him, more than anyone, but there’s too much stacked against us. Not to mention I still can’t stop thinking about the video of Jenn sucking his cock, reminding me of all the shit he used to do, the girls he used to fuck. The wound is still too fresh there.

  A loud, demented laugh springs from him and he threads his fingers through his hair. “I love you, have done everything for you, and it’s still not enough for you to give me a chance?”

  A burning pain knots in my chest. “Brayden . . .”

  “What else do I have to do?” His voice rises and I jump in surprise. “Who do I have to . . .” He trails off, his head shaking.

  Agony claws at my insides like something is ripping at me. Why do I feel like this? After all he’s done. “Brayden . . .”

  I know why. Hurting him is unbearable to me. I’m being honest with him about where I stand because he deserves it, but doing this to him is killing me.

  Before I can say another word, he’s out the bedroom door, storming away. I stare for a second, then go after him. A loud crash echoes off the kitchen walls and into the living room. There’s glass all over the floor and Brayden is leaning over the sink, gripping the edge so hard his knuckles are white.

  “You’re mad at me,” I say.

  There’s silence, all but the harsh breaths coming from him. “No.” His voice is low and deep, and he refuses to look at me. “I’m mad at myself.”

  It’s not the response I’m expecting. “Why?”

  He stands straight, but continues to look at the wall, every muscle stiff, coiled like he’s waiting for something. “You should go.”

  It’s my turn to stare in surprise. My whole body has turned cold as fear creeps in. “Wait, why?”

  When he turns around, his jaw is so tight I worry he’s going to crack his teeth. His green eyes are dark, but almost glowing in the low light. “Because I can’t fucking break down with you here.”

  Break down? I can’t take my eyes off him, the words not computing. The knot in my chest grows tighter, almost unbearable. The pain coming off him is almost crippling.

  His lip twitches. “Get the fuck out of here!”

  I recoil like I’ve been hit, then turn and run to the door, picking up my bag as I dash out. The stairs go by too fast as I run down them and out to the sidewalk. I don’t stop, and before I realize it, I’m a few buildings down, in front of Ryan’s door, banging on it, because I have absolutely no clue what to do.

  A minute goes by before I hear the lock click and the door swings open.

  “Hey, baby sis!” Ryan smiles, but it quickly fades as he looks me over. “Kira, are you okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I say honestly, because I have no idea.

  My whole body is shaking, reeling from what just happened. Ryan pulls me in and I take a few steps before flopping down on his couch, my bag forgotten somewhere on the ground.

  “What’s going on?” Dana says as she comes into the room, her eyes wide as she looks at me.

  By her hastened dressing and messed up hair, I can tell I’ve interrupted them having sex, which is what I should be doing right now. Letting Brayden make me feel the way only he can.

  “I’m not his girlfriend.”

  I’m not.

  I can’t be that to him. We can’t be anything more, it just isn’t in the cards for us.

  Ryan freezes for a moment, then falls to the ground in front of me. “What happened with Brayden?”

  My head rises and I look at him, my vision warped by something. What? I don’t know. Shit. Maybe tears? “I’m not his girlfriend. I love him . . . but I can’t do it.”

  Dana and Ryan are the only people I’ve admitted that out loud to.

  I feel it then. Hot tears start to slide down my cheeks and I drop down to the floor and into my brother’s arms.

  “Kira, I don’t understand.”

  I pull back to stare into my matching eyes. “He called me his girlfriend, but I’m not.”

  “What are you then?”

  My head shakes, almost without direction from me, shoulders shrugging. “Friends with benefits?”

  Dana sits next to us on the floor and takes my hand in hers. “Hun, I don’t think that’s true.”

  “What other definition is there?”

  “I know there’s been a lot of crap lately, but I also don’t think you see that everything you two do is what couples do. You may not have had a formal asking to be his girlfriend or the ability to go out on dates or show affection in public, but your actions show that you are.”

  “Since the fight with Austin, you’ve acted differently,” Ryan says. “You two have been so close, to the point th
at you live with him well over half of the time.”

  “I just . . . want to be near him.”

  Ryan’s fingers tap my chin, making me look up at him. “Kira, baby sister, I’d do anything for you, which includes telling you hard truths—you are in a romantic relationship with Brayden. Maybe you can’t go out like a normal couple, but he is your boyfriend.”

  “You’ve always been on his side.” I shake my head and push against his chest.

  Men who fuck up seem to try everything under the sun to justify shit. It doesn’t matter that we weren’t together, I just can’t freaking stand that bitch having done things with him, but also have it on video.

  Twice I’ve seen it, and that makes two times I can’t scrub from my memory.

  “Don’t pull that shit because you’re upset. I told you before, I’m on your side, but if you’re not serious for him, I’ve got to ask . . . how long are you going to keep stringing him along?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “He’s right,” Dana says.

  I turn to look at her. “You too, Dana?”

  “Sweetie, if you really don’t want to be with him more than just as a fuck toy, you need to tell him. I’m not saying things are going to be rainbows and sunshine, because we both know it’s not going to be easy, but being with someone is a lot of work and also means moving on from their past. You may not forget, but you can accept that it is a part of his history.”

  As much as I idolize my brother, as much as he’s taken care of me and Mom all these years, I also know the past she’s talking about. It’s not much different from Brayden, but the two of them have one monumental difference that doesn’t stand in their way.

  “I can’t be with him. All that other shit aside, which is a whole other issue, society says I can’t.” But if that wasn’t there, if he wasn’t my stepbrother, could I handle being his girlfriend knowing everything that I do?

  “Whether you think that or not, you have been with him for the last month.” Dana brushes some of my tears away. “To Brayden you are the sun. If he’s your sun, then you have a lot to think about.”

  I scrunch my brow at her. “What does that mean?”

  “It means it’s time to do what we did. It’s time to make up your mind. How much longer is he logically going to be able to stand you pushing him away before he gives in and lets you? There’s no going back when that happens, Kira. When he’s gone, that’s it. You’ll officially have broken him, and you’ll have proved him right that the only thing that comes from love is pain.”

  He’s pursued me with such determination that the idea of him not doing so had never crossed my mind.

  I don’t want him to go. I want to be with him. But how do we even do that? He comes with so much baggage.

  “He broke me.” My voice is barely over a whisper, but I know the strain in it is telling of the pain.

  “And he’s the only one who can fix you.”

  I hate that Ryan says that again, because just as Dana described, they were on the same level as fucked up as we are. Like Dana’s payback, I got back at Brayden by sleeping with Austin. But unlike Dana, I hurt an innocent guy. An innocent guy who is in love with me, but I just couldn’t feel that in return.

  Because I can’t seem to care about any guy other than Brayden. He’s the one that makes my heart pound like it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest. The one that sets me on fire.

  He’s also the one I want to literally set on fire sometimes, he makes me so angry.

  “Can you give me a ride back to the dorm?”

  Ryan’s lips form a thin line as he nods. “Whenever you’re ready.”

  He stands, heading to their bedroom, leaving me on the floor with Dana. Her lips are still in a thin line as well, brow scrunched.

  “I have to ask . . . what do you think is keeping you from accepting him? Is it just because of the stigma?” she asks after a moment.

  It takes me a minute to nod. Then there’s the other part, the thing that brought my guard back up. “I refuse to be some gossip fodder. Seventy percent of our school goes here, and that’s a lot of mouths running. Mouths that can ruin and hurt my family, and that includes you. Then there’s Jenn. Fucking bitch showed me that video to hurt me, to hurt him, and she succeeded.”

  “First, don’t worry about your relationship and what some assfuck might say to me, because I’ll kick their ass. Second . . . Kira, that was years old. Like, probably before your parents got married. Things were different back then. He was different.”

  Logically, I can accept that, but emotionally? It’s another thing that reminds me of all the girls he’s slept with or fooled around with. Girls that he says were just a way to get off.

  Doesn’t that make me the same?

  “I know, and maybe if it’d been another girl it might not be so bad, but it’s her.”

  Having the actual act shoved in my face brought it all to life as well as inflaming pain and doubts I’ve been fighting for months.

  An hour later, Ryan drops me off outside the dorms and I stumble into my room, dropping my bag down on the floor.

  “Hey, girl. I wasn’t expecting y—” Jenna’s eyes widen as she looks at me. “Kira?”

  “Is Brayden my boyfriend?”

  Her brow scrunches before she rushes to the door that connects to our study room. “Well . . . yeah.” Fuck. Even my best friend thinks it. “I mean, isn’t he? Does he not think he is? Do we need shovels and plastic?”

  I fall down onto my bed. “Apparently only if you’re going to bury me, because I’m the one who doesn’t think he is.”

  “Seriously? I mean, I assumed, you know.”

  “Why?” I need to know what everyone else seems to know. What about us gave off the impression we’re an item?

  Her eyes are wide, hands spread out in front of her, like what I’m asking her is obvious. “Because you spend half the week at his place. Because he’s all you talk about. Because you love him. Because even after all that shit with the slut, you still spend almost every free minute with him. Do I need to continue? I can, if you need more examples of your utter life dependency on the guy.”

  Life dependency? That couldn’t be.

  Life without Brayden?

  It only takes a second for a searing pain to flood my chest. No, it’s not possible. She’s right, her words are an accurate description of us. But how did I not notice the change?

  Maybe that’s it. Giving in to my feelings, when I stopped resisting, we flowed seamlessly into something I hadn’t agreed to. Even with the explosion of shit two weeks ago, I couldn’t stay away from him. As mad as I was and still am, it didn’t take long to fall back into him.

  It’s like I’m some sick addict.

  I let my head fall into my hands. “God, Jenna, I’ve never seen him like that before. He looked completely destroyed.”

  She moves to sit next to me. “What happened?”

  I fill her in, taking note of her look of utter concentration. It’s like I’m under inspection, or that my actions are, but I know that’s just Jenna making sure she gets every detail.

  When I’m done, her lips are set in a thin line, a look I’m getting a lot tonight. “Don’t take me wrong when I say this, but I’m your best friend and roommate, and we haven’t hung out since the second day of school. You are completely on cloud Brayden lately, and I’ve been so happy for you because for the first time in our friendship, you seem truly happy. Am I wrong?”

  No, she isn’t, but that doesn’t mean our situation is even feasible.

  I’ve had a taste of Brayden, a small piece of a relationship with him, but can I handle fully trusting him with my heart? Past that, is there any way to truly be together?

  September 25, 2015

  The night was filled with nothing but bad dreams and a lot of tossing and turning. My gaze is locked on the ceiling, unable to attempt sleeping anymore. The knot in my chest won’t let me now that the sun is coming through the windows.

  Nothing in p
articular is on the ceiling, a bland patch of white, but still, I’m just staring. My first class isn’t until ten, leaving me two hours to get my ass moving, but I can’t find the energy to even think about going.

  It’s not the first time I’ve contemplated skipping, but every other time I was being persuaded by the ultimate of bad influences—sex with Brayden.

  There’s no messages waiting for me when I wake. No missed calls. It leaves me staring at the phone, finger hovering over the call button. I want to call him, but have no idea what to say.

  What do I have to tell him? Last night’s epiphany took us both by surprise and I don’t know where that leaves us.

  Is there an us?

  It seems like it’s always one step forward, ten steps back. Every week tumbling back to insecurities and hurts that were starting to heal. Mostly it’s me, trying to cope with his past and sometimes failing.

  The vile poison that Jenn spreads is tangled all around us. Her video was a power play, her rumors meant to set me off. We might be able to handle hiding, or at least handle it a lot better, if that bitch wasn’t running her mouth. Always trying to find an angle to hurt me to get Brayden.

  After an hour of nothing, I drag my ass out of bed, doing the minimal to get ready. Wash my face, brush teeth, throw my hair into a ponytail, put on clothes that hopefully aren’t dirty. Pick up my backpack, and head out the door.

  My first class I share with Marilyn and she always waits for me on the bench outside her dorm hall, which is the twin of mine, and just across a walkway.

  “How’s the morning treating you?” she asks as I approach.

  I let out a groan. “I just want to be snuggled in bed.”

  Standing, she grabs onto my arm. “What happened?”

  “Brayden called me his girlfriend.”

  “Yeah, well, aren’t you?” she asks as we head down the walkway to our W131 class.

  “Huh?” Again, it seems everyone who knows about us thought I was his girlfriend but me.

  “I’m confused why this is a surprise, girl.”

  “What do you mean?”