How I Rescued My Brain

by David Roland

  The neuropsychiatrist referred me to a neurologist. He looked at all three sets of MRI scans done over the three years and gave me a more detailed description of the likely areas of damage to my brain. His observations confirmed that areas in my left temporal lobe were probably more affected than suggested in the radiologist’s initial MRI report (which is what had led to the stroke diagnosis), and the ‘tail’ of my left hippocampus had been damaged. This makes sense to me because of the constellation of auditory, memory, geographical, and learning deficits I experienced — these were more extensive than would be expected solely from an occipital infarction. The neurologist said that there would have been more brain swelling evident on the day of the stroke, and soon afterwards, than appears on the first MRI, which was done three weeks post-stroke.

  Just over four years post-stroke, in September 2013, my ophthalmologist, Doctor Mercer, conducted a visual-field test. During this, I was able to see pinpoints of light in the previously dark upper-right quadrant, although they were fainter than the points of light in the other parts of my visual field. Doctor Mercer declared that my visual capacity had returned to normal, nevertheless.

  Recently, I started cognitive training using the latest Posit Science exercises for auditory processing, now called BrainHQ. I was pleased to see that I moved through the basic levels of these new exercises very quickly, and I am now on to the harder levels.

  All my treatment practitioners have asserted that I should not return to clinical psychological work; it remains too risky. In a medical sense, I have not completely recovered, neurologically or psychologically. However, I feel recovered, in a very important way: I very much like the person I am now. I have strengths that I didn’t have prior to the stroke, and I accept that some of the old strengths, such as the analytical mind and the sharp memory, are gone.

  My intention is to continue with writing, public speaking, and advocacy for mental-health and disability issues. Oh, and with drinking coffee, playing music, being a father, swimming — and investigating my brain.

  Wayne has since retired from clinical practice and is engaged in other pursuits. Choeying has withdrawn from formal teaching and no longer lives in Hervey Bay.

  FURTHER READING

  THERE HAVE BEEN several books, people, and organisations that have helped me in my recovery from trauma and stroke between 2006 and 2011. The following is a list of the principal resources I read or accessed during this time. I have included them, along with some other references, for those who would like to read more about these topics. They may be helpful to those going through similar experiences to mine.

  Stroke and brain injury

  Carter, Rita, The Human Brain Book: an illustrated guide to its structure, function, and disorders, Dorling Kindersley, London, 2009.

  The MRI scans of a real brain, and the graphics showing brain function, in this wonderful illustrated guide enabled me to visualise my brain and get a better sense of how it worked (or didn’t). It is a terrific starting point for understanding brain anatomy and function, and would be particularly useful for those who have trouble with reading, as the images are plentiful.

  National Stroke Foundation, www.strokefoundation.com.au, and Brain Injury Australia, www.bia.net.au

  These websites, which I referred to frequently after my stroke, provide easy-to-understand information about the effects of brain injury. They have links to other useful services and organisations.

  Osborn, Claudia L., Over My Head: a doctor’s own story of head injury from the inside looking out, Andrews McMeel Publishing, Kansas City, 2000.

  This memoir describes the author’s experience of life after a head injury, and how she approached her cognitive recovery. It confirmed for me that the cognitive difficulties I was experiencing were real, and gave me more encouragement to address them.

  Taylor, Jill Bolte, My Stroke of Insight: a brain scientist’s personal journey, First Plume Printing, New York, 2009, and ‘My Stroke of Insight’, TED, 28 February 2008, www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight

  Taylor’s book was the first account I read of another’s stroke. I did not understand the full import of her message until I watched her TED talk: it was her description of a ‘nirvana-like’ experience following her stroke that confirmed for me that my feeling of transcendence during my stroke had a neurological basis. I recommend watching the talk if you have had a stroke or know someone who has. It’s thought-provoking stuff.

  Trauma

  Saakvitne, Karen and Pearlman, Laurie, Transforming the Pain: a workbook on vicarious traumatization, W.W. Norton & Company, New York, 1996, and Skovholt, Thomas and Trotter-Mathison, Michelle, The Resilient Practitioner: burnout prevention and self-care strategies for counselors, therapists, teachers, and health professionals, Allyn & Bacon, Boston, 2001.

  These books helped me to understand how my psychology work had led me to suffer emotional damage. Reading them gave me the impetus to seek out the help of a psychologist (Wayne).

  The Australian Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health, www.acpmh.unimelb.edu.au

  This research centre, based at the University of Melbourne, offers information for those suffering from psychological trauma and for treating professionals.

  Beyond Blue, www.beyondblue.org.au, and the Mental Health Foundation, www.mentalhealth.org.uk

  Beyond Blue provides information and tools relevant to the diagnosis and treatment of depression, anxiety, and trauma. The Mental Health Foundation, a UK-based charity, covers all aspects of mental health. It also offers an online course in mindfulness.

  Mindfulness and compassion

  Chodron, Pema, When Things Fall Apart: heart advice for difficult times, HarperCollins, London, 1997.

  In this beautifully practical book, Buddhist teacher and nun Pema Chodron argues that life is inherently insecure and it is best to make peace with this reality. When it felt like everything in my life was falling apart — psychologically and financially — this book gave me solace, and the courage to confront fear and pain.

  Gilbert, Paul and Choden, Mindful Compassion: using the power of mindfulness and compassion to transform our lives, Constable Robinson, London, 2013.

  The therapeutic application of compassion is an area that James Bennett-Levy and I are particularly interested in. Paul Gilbert, a professor of psychology, is the founder of compassion-focused therapy, which draws upon evolutionary psychology, neuroscience, western psychotherapy, mindfulness, and compassion practices.

  Ricard, Matthieu, Happiness: a guide to developing life’s most important skill, Atlantic Books, London, 2007.

  Matthieu Ricard’s assertion that happiness does not ultimately come from seeking the fulfilment of personal desire struck a chord with me, as it might with others. Ricard was the Buddhist monk who assisted Tania Singer in her discovery of the difference between the empathic and compassionate response in the brain.

  Segal, Zindel; Williams, Mark; and Teasdale, John, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: a new approach to preventing relapse, Guildford Press, New York, 2002.

  I turned to this book when I was seeking a ‘psychological insurance policy’; it reminded me that mindfulness can be useful for emotional resilience. It features practical exercises and a theoretical explanation of mindfulness and cognitive behaviour therapy. While written for the mental-health professional, lay readers can also take much from it.

  Singer, Tania and Bolz, Matthias (eds), Compassion: bridging practice and science, Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences, Leipzig, 2013, www.compassion-training.org

  This ebook collates multidisciplinary and multimedia presentations from a conference titled ‘How to Train Compassion’, which was held in Berlin, Germany, in July 2011. Available free online, it is useful for those interested in the science behind compassion, and how to train others in comp
assion and meditation.The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, www.centerformsc.org

  This website provides guided exercises, links, and trainings for those interested in the mindful self-compassion approach developed by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.

  Tobler, Albert and Herrmann, Susann, The Rough Guide to Mindfulness: the essential companion to personal growth, Rough Guides, London, 2013.

  This publication gives a comprehensive explanation of how mindfulness works and how it can be incorporated into many aspects of life. It would be useful both for those finding their way into this topic and for those who have been working with mindfulness for a while.

  Neuroscience

  Arden, John and Linford, Lloyd, Brain-Based Therapy with Adults: evidence-based treatment for everyday practice, John Wiley & Sons, Hoboken, 2009, and Cozolino, Louis, The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: healing the social brain, 2nd edition, W. W. Norton & Company, New York, 2010.

  These books, together with Siegel’s works, were the main titles I read on the application of brain science to psychotherapy. They are perhaps more academic in tone than most of the books on this list, but they have useful insights to offer the keen reader.

  Davidson, Richard (with Begley, Sharon), The Emotional Life of Your Brain: how its unique patterns affect the way you think, feel and live — and how you can change them, Hodder, London, 2012.

  Richard Davidson has spent his career investigating the neuro-science of emotion, carrying out groundbreaking research on meditation. His work led him to conceive of six dimensions of emotional styles, and in this book he suggests ways of moderating these styles through the application of neuroscientific principles.

  Doidge, Norman, The Brain That Changes Itself: stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science, Scribe Publications, Melbourne, 2007.

  This eye-opening book introduced the notion of neuroplasticity to many readers, including me. It is written for the general reader, so I was capable of understanding it after my stroke. It gave me significant insight into how I might be able to aid my cognitive and emotional recovery.

  Hanson, Rick (with Mendius, Richard), Buddha’s Brain: the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, 2009.

  This book stimulated my thinking about the neuroscience of contemplative states of mind and the idea that our sense of self is a construct. Referencing reliable research, it confirmed for me that meditation and mindfulness change the brain for the better.

  Klimecki, Olga et al., ‘Differential Pattern of Functional Brain Plasticity After Compassion and Empathy Training’, Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 10 April 2013, www.scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2013/05/09/scan.nst060.full, and Klimecki, Olga et al., ‘Functional Neural Plasticity and Associated Changes in Positive Affect After Compassion Training’, Cerebral Cortex, vol. 23, no. 7, pp. 1552–61.

  These references describe the research that I first heard Tania Singer speak about in James Bennett-Levy’s living room. Singer suggests that a compassionate outlook might be a better way for health professionals to stay resilient when facing human distress.

  Siegel, Daniel J., The Mindful Brain: reflection and attunement in the cultivation of wellbeing, W. W. Norton & Company, New York, 2007, and Mindsight: change your brain and your life, Scribe Publications, Melbourne, 2009.

  Daniel Siegel’s books reinforced for me that brain science could be applied to therapy for mental-health disorders. His assertion that mindfulness meditation strengthens the prefrontal cortex’s ability to regulate emotions motivated me to keep practising these techniques.

  The Mindsight Institute, www.mindsightinstitute.com

  This is the website set up by Daniel Siegel. It offers videos of Siegel and access to his online courses.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I WISH TO express my gratitude to the Northern Rivers Writers’ Centre; it presented me with a world of writing almost at my door through workshops, consultants, and an annual writers’ festival. The staff were always ready to help. During the period I was working on this memoir, those who assisted me included Susie, Siboney, Penny, and Sarah.

  Through the writers’ centre I had consultations with Peter Bishop, Irina Dunn, Marele Day, and Laurel Cohn, each of whom asked me pointed questions, and gave reassurance and advice until I came to believe that I had a potential ‘book in me’. However, it was through Alan Close, my early mentor, that I received the greatest encouragement. I treasure the meetings we had, as he listened intently to my outpourings and one repeated question: ‘Do you think that should be in the book?’

  ‘That’s good. Put it in,’ he always said.

  Alan encouraged me to write whatever came to mind, and I did, even though many of the scenes I wrote did not make it into the final draft; but I needed to get them out before the narrative arc of How I Rescued My Brain revealed itself.

  However, after Alan’s mentorship, I reached a low point, wondering if I could ever write sufficiently well to be published. Fortunately, I contacted Jesse Blackadder, an accomplished local author, who over lunch in January 2012 gave me three pieces of advice. I followed this advice, and later that year I was awarded a fellowship at Varuna, the National Writers’ House, in Katoomba, where I was able to complete most of the first draft. That same year I pitched my book at the Byron Bay Writers Festival, garnering sufficient interest to secure an agent, Gaby Naher, and through her assiduous efforts a publication contract shortly afterwards.

  I wish to thank the teachers and students I encountered over the duration of three online memoir-writing courses with Gotham Writers’ Workshop in 2012 and 2013. When people from other countries gave advice or praise, it gave me the sense that what I was writing about had resonance. Through their guidance I learnt many of the skills of writing narrative nonfiction, as well as what scenes to expand or shrink, and how to address specific problems in the pieces I submitted for comment.

  I also wish to thank Diana, Eddy, Jill, Sally, and Prem from my memoir-writing group, who, most memorably, exhorted me to put more emotion on the page (even when I thought I already was!). I needed to shed my academic-writing mindset. I hope they are happy with the result.

  I was also awarded a LitLink Residential Fellowship at Varuna in late 2013. This enabled me to address structural issues raised by my editor, Julia Carlomagno, and to capture and put onto the page subtler internal experiences that I had passed over in the first draft. The environment at Varuna allowed me to reflect, to concentrate, and to be liberated from everyday concerns so that I could stay immersed in the story. I want to thank the other writers I met during the Varuna residencies. I enjoyed our lively and humorous discussions. And I wish to thank the staff: Jansis, Sheila, Vera, and Joan, who were finely attuned to the sensibilities of the writing life.

  I am thankful for comment from several people on specific aspects of the manuscript. These individuals include Alan Close, Gaby Naher, Sharon Dean, Claire Dunn, James Bennett-Levy, Jan Maehl, and also Laurel Cohn, who did a close edit of my first three chapters before I submitted them to the publisher. To the many characters in this story who helped me to recreate specific scenes, your contributions have made it a richer record.

  I met Claire Dunn during my first Varuna residency, when she was completing her memoir My Year Without Matches. We were at similar stages in our works and facing similar challenges, and it has been wonderful to have someone to ‘hold hands with’ along the path to publication.

  I want to thank my publisher, Scribe. I made the right choice to go with this publishing house, and I’ve felt supported throughout the editing, design, and publicity stages. My working relationship with my editor, Julia, has provided me with an unexpected writing education. She has exhibited great respect towards me, my writing method, and my ideas. While I have had my hand on the tiller of this particular vessel, she has trimmed the sails, making
the final manuscript considerably more enjoyable for the reader, I’m sure. I also wish to thank the art director, Miriam Rosenbloom, and cover designer, Allison Colpoys, for their work. The cover features kintsukuroi pottery. The Japanese concept of kintsukuroi refers to the repair of pottery with gold or silver lacquer, with the understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken, which is a lovely metaphor.

  I want, too, to thank my immediate family. Firstly, my daughters, who thought that I went on a little too much about my brain: I hope this book provides you with insights you could not have gained when we were going through our ordeals. Secondly, my ex-wife, who, while understandably finding some of the material in the book exposing, gave me feedback that made it a better account. Thirdly, my siblings, for their love and support. And lastly, the many friends who have been encouraging of ‘the book’, as it became known among us, listening to my interminable updates on progress.

  And I wish to thank you, the reader. Sometimes, when I was in a pit of despair and searching for a reason to make the effort to keep going, I would tell myself, I have to get out of this and write about it, and perhaps in doing so give hope to others going through a similar experience. Though I don’t know you, you were there in my thoughts then, encouraging me. Thank you.

  Contents

  About the Author

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  PROLOGUE

  BEFORE

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  DIAGNOSIS

  8

  9

  10

  11

  RECOVERY

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  EPILOGUE

  FURTHER READING

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS