Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  ‘Don’t worry, love,’ said the man, smiling at Jamie, whose expression darkened. I didn’t know whether to laugh or intervene, as Jamie looked like he was going to hit him. But taking in the man’s extreme height, he thought better of it, and just nodded at him. I put my arm round him to reassure him, and we went upstairs to the private lounge with Wolf.

  I had known Wolf for a few years. He was less innocent and starry-eyed than Honey and had run the club successfully for six years. As soon as we were in the lounge, he took me aside, while Honey waylaid Jamie. They must have arranged that!

  ‘So, what’s new with you, peekaboo?’ Wolf asked, making me smile.

  ‘Oh, not much. Same old same old,’ I looked down at my hands.

  ‘Oh come on! I’ve heard all the goss from little sis. Who’s the boy?’

  ‘Just some bloke I picked up.’

  ‘Ye-es… but why are you with him, lovey?’

  ‘Dunno.’ I was even starting to sound like Jamie. ‘He makes me laugh, he fancies me.’

  ‘Plenty of people fancy you, love.’

  ‘Do they? Who? They never tell me.’

  ‘Come on! They must do. You’re an attractive woman.’ Wolf sounded uncertain: he was on unknown territory discussing female attractiveness.

  ‘But am I, though?’ I was just about to get into the discussion, when Jamie reappeared.

  ‘It’s not bad this place, is it?’ he enthused, a drink in his hand.

  ‘Thanks for that faint praise,’ smiled Wolf.

  ‘It’s classy.’ Jamie grinned at Wolf, forgetting to be scornful.

  Wolf beamed, and then sashayed off to socialise.

  ‘You feel a bit more relaxed now?’ I asked Jamie.

  ‘Yeah. I even went to the toilet.’

  ‘Thanks for that information,’ I giggled.

  ‘I got Honey to watch the door. Y’know, just in case some queer- I mean gay- person followed me.’

  ‘Honestly,’ I laughed. ‘Talk about stereotypes.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘Oh nothing. Let’s go and look around.’

  We went down to the main dance floor and actually had a dance. It was so full of people that we were forced to cling onto each other, which was… well, I enjoyed it. I could feel that Jamie was enjoying it too, if you know what I mean.

  ‘Can’t believe I’m the only bloke in the place that wants to fuck your brains out,’ he muttered, pulling me against him.

  ‘Not til Tuesday,’ I whispered back. He made a frustrated sound. I was enjoying teasing him. But any more would probably end up with him shagging me on the dance floor, as the heat, rhythm and sweaty bodies combined to encourage lust. With a jolt I remembered again the nurse at the clinic telling me not to have intercourse for one week. I’d better be careful. I looked around the dimly lit club for inspiration. And there it was.

  ‘Hey, aren’t those boys from the college?’

  ‘What?’ Jamie’s head whipped round like a gun dog scenting game. ‘Where?’

  ‘Over by the door. Kyle something and another one I don’t know the name of.’

  ‘Kyle Morrison and Shane Kelly. From Group F. What the…?’

  The two lads were chatting confidentially by the wall. Suddenly they started kissing, and Jamie’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

  ‘They’re queer?’ Some nearby clubbers glared at him. ‘I mean- gay. I never- no one knows that at college.’

  ‘Just goes to show. It's normal to be gay.’

  ‘Oh shit. Kyle’s seen me,’ Jamie ducked his head, but it was too late. Kyle was staring open-mouthed, then looked away, pretending he hadn’t seen him.

  ‘What do we do now?’ I felt a cold hand round my heart. ‘Now everyone will know about you and me.’

  ‘I’ll sort it out. Come with me.’ He threaded his way through the revellers.

  ‘Hey Kyle, Shane.’ He nodded at them. I could see his mind was working it all out. He was far more used to being sneaky than I was.

  ‘Didn’t know you were gay, Jamie,’ said Shane. He was blond and extremely pretty. I hadn’t really noticed that before because I hardly knew him. And anyway, he didn’t make much effort at college, he just looked like any other construction student. Kyle was more threatening and hard looking.

  ‘I’m not!’ said Jamie vigorously.

  ‘Then what are you doing here?’ asked Kyle, a sneer forming on his lips.

  Jamie pulled me forward a little. ‘You know Emily?’

  Kyle and Shane’s mouths dropped open, goldfish like.

  ‘We had heard-‘Shane stopped abruptly.

  ‘Heard what?’ Jamie stepped forward threateningly. Kyle stepped forward too.

  ‘Hold on,’ I interrupted, used to dealing with fights. ‘I’m with Jamie, so whatever you heard, I’m telling you the true version.’

  Shane smirked.

  ‘So it's grab a granny night tonight, is it?’ he grinned at Jamie, who bristled and pushed him. Kyle stepped forward and got into a tussle with Jamie while Shane and I moved hastily out of the way.

  ‘No offence, Miss,’ he said. ‘Jamie’s easy to wind up, so he is.’

  ‘None taken, Shane.’ I sighed, used to being insulted. ‘So, are there rumours about me and Jamie?’

  ‘Some. I didn’t take any notice but now- ‘

  ‘Well. I suppose you don’t want it spread about that you and Kyle are-‘

  ‘Gay. Exactly. We’ll keep your secret if you keep ours, Miss.’

  ‘It’s a deal then.’

  He smiled. ‘Not everyone’s the same, are they? Those tossers at college are brainless.’

  ‘Didn’t know you felt this way about me,’ said Kyle flirtatiously as Jamie was holding him down ready to punch him.

  ‘Eugh!’ exclaimed Jamie, leaping up. ‘You bloody faggot!’ There was a gasp around them.

  ‘Well I’m not queer!’ He moved menacingly towards a nearby clubber, who retreated. Two bouncers appeared from nowhere and hustled Jamie towards the exit. I hastened after them, as Shane helped the laughing Kyle up, and they were surrounded by their friends.

  ‘It’s alright, he’s with me, I’ll keep an eye on him,’ I begged them. But they didn’t listen, until as if by magic, Wolf appeared.

  ‘Let him go. Any friend of Emily’s is a friend of mine.’ I took Jamie’s hand firmly and we were ushered up to the private lounge.

  ‘I don’t allow violence in my club,’ said Wolf firmly when we had sat down. ‘You are lucky not to be thrown out. Another incident and you will be.’

  ‘Alright,’ said Jamie sulkily, looking down at the floor.

  Wolf ushered me aside. ‘Again I say, Emily, who is this guy? Why are you with him?’

  I shrugged, not knowing what to say.

  ‘He’s trouble, mark my words. No good will come of this,’ Wolf intoned, like Obi Wan Kenobi, and meandered off.

  Jamie was swearing away to himself, picking bits of foam out of a nearby chair with his finger.

  ‘You quite finished?’

  ‘Yeah. S’pose.’ A smile hesitated on his lips. ‘Can we go now?’

  I hesitated. ‘Okay. I can get a taxi. I’ll ask Wolf.’

  ‘So soon?’ asked Wolf, but did not protest any further and ordered one.

  I liked the way Jamie had been so temperamental. It excited me, it was dangerous and I got this fluttery, almost nauseous, feeling inside when he did something violent like that.

  * * *

  During the taxi journey, I could feel the heat emanating from him. To be honest it was emanating from me too. I felt sexy, young, fun. Miles away from the safe, sensible learning support assistant, always helpful and caring and normal. I didn’t dare touch him as I knew, if I did, we’d be doing it in the taxi and that would be going too far, even the way I was feeling tonight. I wondered if he’d done it in a taxi before. Definitely in a car. This excited me too. Everything did.

  We ran into the building and into the lift, and he started kissing me before the
doors shut. I knew where it was leading but couldn’t stop myself or him. We made it through the front door and he pushed me onto the carpet in his haste.

  ‘We shouldn’t do this ‘til Tuesday,’ I quavered. I don’t know if I said that to annoy him or it was just the last gasp of any sense I still had.

  ‘You go round looking like that all night and expect me not to do nuffin’ about it?’ he gasped, unzipping his jeans and tugging them off.

  ‘But the cream-‘

  ‘Fuck the bloody cream!’

  I couldn’t protest anymore and just let it happen. I didn’t care about the cream or anything else, I just wanted him, and I couldn’t wait. It even hurt a bit, but pain is so close to pleasure, as they say, that I didn’t care. I think ‘I didn’t care’ was my motto that night.

  After that, we went to my bed and kept going for a few hours. It was like we were possessed. So much for Karl saying I was crap in bed: what if he could see me now?

  Saturday 28th January

  The next morning, all the aches and pains and regrets turned up. I woke to find him sprawled across one side of the bed, dead to the world. He wasn’t dead, was he? I poked him cautiously and he muttered something. So I hadn’t killed him…

  So much for not doing it for a week. We had managed three days. Hopefully the antibiotics and cream had done their job already.

  When he woke up, he smiled warily.

  ‘Alright?’ He staggered out of bed and went out of the door.

  I felt a bit embarrassed in the daylight. We had drunk far too much last night and got completely carried away.

  ‘That was quite a night.’ Jamie returned with toast and his car magazine. He silently put a plate of toast on my lap.

  ‘Yes, it was.’ I peeked at him shyly.

  ‘I made a twat of myself at that club, didn’t I?’

  ‘I suppose so, but not more than anyone else.’

  He smiled ruefully. I wanted to ask him the vital question, but didn’t dare. Or should I? I wanted to know.

  ‘Jamie.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Did you fancy me when you first got to know me?’

  He glanced up from the magazine, then back again.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Oh. Why did you suddenly push me away then?’

  ‘Thought I was being a dickhead. Knew you wouldn’t like me back. Other birds to shag. Take your pick.’

  ‘Oh.’ What had that told me? The main thing was that I had been right about the crush. Talk about searching for any crumb of love- me, I mean. Or both of us?

  Later, I went downstairs to check the mailbox. I allowed myself the luxury of having the newspapers delivered over the weekend, and there was the Independent, waiting for me. The fat comforting thing! I took it upstairs and Jamie was still in my bed, peering at his magazine, so I got in too.

  I spread the various sections of the paper out on the bed.

  ‘Oh, cool!’ he said, picking up the car supplement and diving into it. ‘This is nice,’ he said after a while. ‘We don’t do this at my place at the weekend.’

  ‘What do you do at your place?’ Why didn’t he call it ‘home’?

  He shrugged. ‘Nuffin’. I go out with my mates all weekend ‘cos my dad usually has his mates over and they don’t want me there.’

  ‘Have you got any brothers and sisters?’

  ‘One of each. They’re older, they’ve moved out.’

  ‘Do you know your dad’s friends?’

  ‘Yeah, but I don’t want to get mixed up with them. They’re doing business deals, so I keep out of their way.’

  ‘Jamie, where’s your mum?’

  ‘She left. She’s with some other bloke. Don’t wanna talk about it.’

  He was squinting at a long article about a Ferrari, so I took it and read it to him without asking and he didn’t mind, just sat back listening.

  Sunday 29th January

  In the morning, I realised I was running out of food.

  ‘We have to go shopping.’

  ‘Do I have to come?’

  ‘It’d be nice if you could help me.’ I didn’t want to leave him alone in the flat to mess it up again. And I was so tired of doing everything on my own.

  ‘You can buy what you like,’ I tempted him.

  ‘Okay. Nuffin’ to do here anyway.’

  We drove miles away, out of the city, to a small town I hadn’t even been to before.

  The supermarket was familiar as it was my usual brand. We sauntered round, Jamie pushing the trolley idly, picking up the odd thing to look at or throw in the trolley.

  As we strolled down the tinned fruit aisle, I had the idea of making an apple crumble. I had cooked a proper meal for Jamie every evening as I thought he needed feeding up. He had repaid me by washing up. He had also mended the toaster which hadn’t been working for months.

  ‘That’s what we have at home.’ He pointed to the supermarket’s own ‘bargain brand’ of tinned apples, recognisable by the basic blue and white packaging. I was just about to pick the tins up, when a nearby old lady tapped me on the arm.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt, my dear. Could I ask your son to reach a tin of those prunes for me? They are so high up.’

  I wondered who she was referring to and then it struck me.

  ‘Oh- er- oh- yes. Jamie, could you get those prunes for this lady?’

  ‘Okay.’ He reached up and easily picked a tin from the top shelf. He must have grown lately. I was sure he used to be shorter.

  ‘Thank you so much, young man. I eat a lot of prunes these days. They keep me regular, you know,’ she said conversationally to me.

  Jamie laughed, but turned it into a cough, and walked away to hide it.

  ‘What a nice boy. I always wanted a son,’ said the old lady. ‘I only had three daughters. They’re all Daddy’s girls. Anyway, don’t let me keep you. Thank you, dear.’

  I found I was blushing and followed Jamie.

  ‘That woman! She thought you were my son!’ I spluttered when I reached him.

  ‘Oh- oh- did she?’ Jamie pretended not to know what I meant. ‘You’re nuffin’ like my mum.’ He looked uneasy.

  ‘I hope not. Why would she think that? We don’t look alike at all,’ I babbled. ‘We need bread now, come on.’ I set off, and Jamie trailed after me. I was far too young to be his mum. It was an uncomfortable thought, though.

  Monday 30th January

  After a pleasant lazy Sunday, it was down to earth with a bump. Double Literacy with Olivia, a teacher I wasn’t on the same wavelength as. I don’t think she was on the same wavelength as anyone, to be honest. She kept making personal remarks to the boys which I thought was very rude and undermining because, despite their bravado, they had low self-esteem.

  But I couldn't say anything to her about her comments, and I couldn't really tell the boys to ignore her. If Olivia observed that one had greasy hair, he would inevitably ask me if she was right. Olivia had peculiarly good hearing, so how should I answer? 'No, Olivia was being rude' or 'Yes, it is a bit greasy'. Whatever I said would offend someone.

  If you're a learning support assistant, you're stuck in the middle. You can't side with the students because you are a staff member. Your conscience won't let you side with the teachers if you feel they are being unfair to the students. So what do you do?

  Fortunately the lesson was with Group F so I had a brief respite from Jamie’s group. I wondered how Shane and Kyle would react to me after the events of Friday night.

  I sat quietly in the corner and watched the students shuffle in, dragging their feet sulkily. Shane looked completely different: messy hair, untidy clothes, really hiding his beauty, which was understandable in the rough environment of construction He didn’t want to be picked on. I looked at him but he blanked me, so I understood that was the way it was to be. I didn’t bother looking at Kyle.

  ‘Hiya. Today we’re doing verbs and nouns,’ said Olivia. She had written various words on the board linked to the course they we
re doing: plasterer; carpentry; sawing; tiling etc.

  I circulated round the room helping them with spelling.

  It was interesting watching Kyle and Shane, although I tried not to be too obvious about it. Kyle hung round with the hard kids who smoked outside every break, whereas Shane was more conscientious and liked finishing his work. He would still hit anyone who crossed him, though. I couldn’t imagine how they had ever found each other, because they didn’t even seem to communicate during lessons.

  ‘Try and imagine describing yourself with these words. If the prefix ‘to’ is in front, it's a verb,’ trilled Olivia.

  I caught Shane’s eye suddenly and he gave a hint of a smile.

  ‘You look very tired today, Kyle,’ observed Olivia. ‘Too many late nights?’

  Kyle glared at her.

  ‘Your girlfriend is very lucky to have so many nights out.’

  I cringed. Whatever would she say next? Kyle muttered something and turned away to his friends. But Olivia couldn’t leave it. She sashayed over and looked at his work.

  ‘Hm. Perhaps you need some help here. And you Connor. Could you, Emily?’

  I went over to them as unobtrusively as I could.

  ‘We’re alright here. We don’t need you,’ said Kyle.

  ‘She’s not even a proper teacher, what does she know?’ sniggered Connor, referring to me.

  ‘Okay, if you don’t need me.’ I prepared to leave, unaffected, but Olivia glared at me. So I was forced to sit down two spaces away from Kyle and next to Darren.

  ‘I don’t want you here either. Move,’ said Darren. All the boys giggled and I looked to Olivia for support, but she was busy with other students.

  So I got up and walked over to the window.

  ‘Ugh, don’t stand there Miss,’ said Ben. ‘I don’t like people standing behind me.’

  ‘I’ve got to stand somewhere. I haven’t learnt how to fly yet,’ I retorted.

  The nearby boys sniggered, but not kindly. So I gave up. If none of them wanted my help, I’d be the robot everyone expected me to be. We were supposed to interact, engage with them, but I couldn’t if they didn’t want to.