Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  Gareth was three years younger than me but more intelligent. He carried on with his education to take A levels and a degree in architecture. When he left university he stayed in Nottingham, got married, had two kids. Very conventional. I didn’t do any of that, obviously. I just supported my mother, worked in a bank, then started learning support work. I had been good at that. Until I was sacked of course.

  I would phone him tomorrow. It was too late to do so now. I had faced so many things lately that he would not be a problem. I hoped.

  Chapter 3

  ‘Hello? Is Gareth there?’

  ‘Who is it please?’ A Nottingham accent. It must be his wife, what was her name? Lesley? God, how awful that I had forgotten.

  ‘Emily. His sister.’

  ‘Oh, hello, duck. Are y’alright?’ Her accent was comforting and mumsy.

  ‘F-fine thanks.’

  ‘Could you go and fetch daddy?’ She spoke away from the phone, obviously to a child. ‘Thanks lovey.’

  I waited, hearing footsteps racing down the stairs.

  ‘Emily?’ said a breathless, familiar voice.

  I couldn’t speak.

  ‘Are you there?’

  ‘Y-yes.’

  ‘H-how are you? Oh, don’t cry, love.’ He even had a slight Nottingham accent now. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.’

  I just cried more.

  ‘I’ll come down and see you. Tomorrow. I’ll get the early train.’

  ‘No, you don’t have to.’

  ‘I will.’ His voice was quavering now, I’d never heard it like that. ‘I’ll come and see you.’

  ‘Th- thanks.’ What would he look like now? I’d been sent photos via email and seen him occasionally, but… how come my brother had drifted so far away?

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.’

  He went back to his cosy family and happy life, lucky him. Who did I have? The baby? Hardly able to comfort me yet.

  Tess and Julie’s phones were off. Where was everybody?

  Desperate, I resorted to phoning Eric because David and Naomi would be hopeless.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘It's me, Emily.’

  ‘Oh, hello. How are you?’

  ‘I- I know you don’t like emotional scenes but I’m really upset, okay, and I just need someone to talk to!’

  ‘Go ahead.’

  But then I found I couldn’t talk about my brother, and just ummed and erred.

  ‘Shall I tell you what I’ve been doing?’

  He began telling me about the garden centre he ran, the strange things the customers asked for and how cross they got when he didn’t have precisely the type of climbing rose they wanted, or didn’t know the way to make a lily bloom on their exact birthday. Then he went on to the idiosyncrasies of his nephew who was in a rock band and went on tours in unusual places, like Eastern Europe, and got up to all sorts of hair raising escapades.

  I ended up laughing.

  ‘Better now?’

  ‘Yes thanks. I’d better go to sleep now. G’night.’

  ‘Good night. Sleep tight. Mind the bed bugs don’t bite.’

  I laughed again. Funny old Eric.

  The next day dawned after a better sleep than I’d expected. I was to meet Gareth at the station and set off early in the car.

  Hanging around by the station, I wondered what I was going to say. Why did you run away up north leaving me to cope? Why are you coming back to see me now? Isn’t avoiding the issue more your style?

  I watched people step out of the train. Is that Gareth? Is that him? I wasn’t even sure who I was looking for.

  ‘Emily?’ said a voice behind me and I whirled as fast as I could with my bump. A bulky man with a beard stood there. Like Gareth’s older brother. But of course it wasn’t - we didn’t have an older brother. It was him.

  ‘How are you?’ he faltered. He looked at my bump with shock in his eyes.

  ‘Pregnant. But you know that.’

  He gave me a tentative hug but it made me cry again.

  ‘Come on, I’ll look after you.’ He put his arm round me and we went back to my flat.

  ‘Why did you come, Gareth?’ I demanded the minute we sat down. ‘Just tell me?’

  There was a pause.

  ‘I wanted to see if you were alright. Tess told me - well she told me the father of the baby isn’t in the picture. I can’t believe he’s left you to cope on your own.’

  ‘Well that’s what happened, Gareth! Men always just leave me to cope. Good old Emily, always tough enough to manage by herself!’

  I couldn’t shut the floodgates now.

  ‘First our dad, then you, then every boyfriend I’ve had, now the baby’s father. I can’t cope with everything on my own!’

  ‘D’you think I left you?’

  ‘Of course I bloody do! You ran away up north and I had to cope with mum’s illness-‘

  ‘But I visited-‘

  ‘That wasn’t enough! I had to do everything! You just popped in when you felt like it!’

  ‘I was upset about mum too, you know! I- I- just couldn’t cope with-‘ he stopped guiltily.

  ‘Couldn’t cope? Couldn’t COPE? I couldn’t either, but I didn’t have a choice!’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Do you wish I hadn’t come now?’

  ‘Oh that’s right, Gareth! Run away like usual. You can’t this time. You HAVE to help me. I haven’t got anyone else!’

  ‘I’ll make a cuppa.’ His sulky face reminded me of years ago.

  ‘Sorry, Em,’ he said when he came back with two steaming mugs. ‘I’m sorry about everything. Lesley made me have counselling a few years ago. She said I was too wound up and full of anger.’

  ‘Well that’s nice for you. I haven’t got a partner to look after me like that.’

  ‘Em, who is the baby’s father? What happened? The last boyfriend I remember you having was that therapist, what was his name? Keith?’

  ‘Karl. No, it wasn’t him. Do you really want to know?’

  ‘Yes, go on.’

  ‘You know I was working as a learning support assistant? I had a relationship with one of the students and it's his baby.’

  ‘WHAT? How- how old is he?’

  ‘I haven’t seen him for ages but he must be eighteen by now.’

  Gareth was speechless.

  ‘I lost my job because of him. That’s why I work at the call centre now.’

  ‘Em, I can’t imagine- God- why did you- ?‘

  ‘Shag a student?’ I paused, considering. ‘He was the only one who gave me any attention.’

  There was a longer pause.

  ‘B-but Em- was there no one else?’

  ‘To be honest… no.’ I shrugged. How pathetic I was. Desperate for attention, I’d happened to meet someone just as desperate.

  ‘I- I- don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Em.’ What I could see of his face was white, the rest hidden by the unfamiliar beard. ‘Can I stay with you for a few days? I can take compassionate leave.’

  ‘What? Don’t be silly. You can’t do that. Go back to your lovely family.’

  ‘I won’t. I want to look after you for a few days.’

  So he did. We got to know each other again, little by little. He wasn’t the wild teenager I remembered, blaming everyone for everything and getting into trouble all the time. He wasn’t the distant twenty something who shut himself away from me and my life, not interested. He was now in his late twenties, a man who was looking after his sister when she needed him.

  ‘Did you ever wonder what happened to our dad?’ I asked him one day.

  ‘Of course, but- but- I s’pose I put it out of my mind.’

  ‘Didn’t you ever try and find him?’

  ‘No. Did you?’

  ‘Kind of. I looked him up on the internet a few times. But the internet wasn’t invented when he left, so anything could have happened since. He could have changed his name.’

  ‘Yes. Let’s talk
about something else.’ The hurt was still there.

  We went out to tea. We even went to the zoo as a treat. I thawed towards my little brother. It was too difficult to keep up the anger, too tiring.

  He came to visit me again a few weeks later, bringing his family this time. His children were so cute, aged four and two. Amelia and Jacob.

  ‘I hope my baby will be as cute as yours,’ I said to Lesley nervously.

  ‘Of course it will, lovey,’ she replied reassuringly.

  She was a cuddly, apple-cheeked woman, a born mother. Which is probably why Gareth chose her. He needed a mum. Now I thought about it, he’d done worse than me as regards parents. I’d at least had our mother ‘til she died.

  ‘Will you be with me when I give birth?’ I suddenly blurted, taking myself by surprise.

  ‘Oh! Of course, lovey,’ smiled Lesley. ‘I’m right touched you asked me. I’ll come and stay wi’ ya for a week before y’due date. Is that alright?’ Her accent comforted me, it spoke of cosy evenings round the fire, a nice cup of tea and a bit of cake and sympathy.

  So it was arranged. Lesley would be my birth companion. I had asked Tess as well. It would be good to have two companions, then they could take turns helping me.

  I was scared. What would it be like to give birth? I’d shut the maternal part of myself away long ago and never allowed myself to feel those emotions. I suppose I had been a bit motherly with the students but look where that had got me. That’s behind me now, I told myself. I am going to be a proper mother.

  Julie organised an outing to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster movie. It was a computer sci- fi type film, promising to be like The Matrix. I didn’t usually like that sort of film but I felt like doing something silly.

  I found myself sitting next to Eric.

  ‘Are you quite comfortable, Emily? We could swap seats if you need to.’

  ‘Oh, I’m fine, thanks.’

  I noticed that he made sure his arm wasn’t taking up the arm rest and, as the film started, he kept glancing at me to see if I was alright.

  ‘I’m not going to give birth yet, it’s okay,’ I hissed during a loud scene.

  ‘Oh, no- no I didn’t think so.’

  He’d always been polite. At school, he had been good at geography and gone on to study archaeology. I sometimes used to copy his homework… yes, it was all coming back to me now. He had been the one living nearest to my house, so I went round when I was really stuck on some problem. I let the film wash over me and sat there remembering the past.

  ‘Well, that wouldn’t happen,’ said David suddenly, bringing me out of my reverie.

  The hero of the film had just pressed some button on his computer and been sucked into the virtual world inside it.

  ‘What do you mean?’ giggled Julie.

  ‘If he pressed Control, Alt and Delete, he would delete himself.’ David was perfectly serious but the rest of us laughed. Not at him, with him. Okay, a little of both.

  I became aware of a pressing need.

  ‘Excuse me, I have to go to the loo.’ I stood up with difficulty and began squeezing past people. They mumbled and complained. It was embarrassing. I couldn’t just hold my bump in like a non-pregnant person could.

  Eric stood up.

  ‘Excuse us, please.’ He made a way past the complainers and led me out into the aisle, then into the packed foyer. It was full of shrieking children and teenagers, waiting for the next showing.

  ‘Excuse us, thank you so much, very sorry, much obliged.’ Eric’s extreme politeness was like a weapon people could not resist, and he cut a path through the masses to allow me to reach the Ladies. What a relief.

  He was waiting when I re-emerged.

  ‘Oh you didn’t have to stay. You should have gone back into the film.’

  ‘No, I wasn’t enjoying it. Very unoriginal.’

  ‘Let’s not bother going back then,’ I decided. Struggling through the crowd was not much fun.

  So we went for a coffee in the nearest pub.

  ‘Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl?’ Eric asked unexpectedly.

  ‘No, I want it to be a surprise.’ I only thought about the bump as ‘the baby’, it hadn’t really occurred to me that it was a person.

  ‘If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know. I was sorry when I heard you weren’t married.’ He obviously disapproved of single mothers. ‘What I meant is that you won't have someone to support you. I suppose the baby’s father isn’t around? I mean, that’s what Julie said.’

  ‘No, he isn’t around. What else did she say about him?’

  ‘Nothing. Just that. It’s lucky you have some good friends. We’ll be there for you. If that doesn’t sound too much like an American sitcom.’

  I laughed. Good to hear him making jokes again. At school his jokes had been so obscure that only David and I had got them. He’d obviously dumbed them down a bit.

  ‘God, I feel relaxed.’

  ‘So do I.’ He did look happier outdoors but then he always had done, being an archaeology addict.

  We sat there, not talking much, but I felt content. The view was lovely; we looked out over the harbour and the boats creeping in and out. Seagulls wheeled, shrieking and fighting for crumbs, children chased them, also shrieking. The odd boat hooter punctuated the lazy scene, making everyone jump.

  ‘The film should have finished by now. Shall we?’ He got up and ushered me away from the table, making a great show of it, like a fussy mother hen.

  ‘Where have you two been?’ asked Naomi loudly as we met the others in the foyer.

  ‘I felt like some fresh air. It was too crowded in the cinema.’

  Before she could comment, Eric asked: ‘Was the film good?’

  And we were treated to a blow by blow account of it by David who didn’t stop talking until we got to the car which was Eric’s black 4 x 4 people carrier. A family vehicle. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about happy families? Maybe it was simply an archaeology vehicle for going to digs.

  ‘Was that film really any good?’ I whispered to Julie.

  ‘No, only David liked it.’

  ‘What, out of the whole audience?’ I giggled.

  ‘Probably,’ she giggled back.

  As the year wore on towards autumn, Eric invited us to his latest archaeology dig. They always ran in the summer and luckily this one wasn’t too far away, so we went at the weekend.

  I sat in the shade of a vast oak tree. I was seven months pregnant now and it was more comfortable to sit quietly than rush around. Eric had brought a substantial garden chair for me because I was now so heavy I would have fallen through one of those feeble fold-up things.

  Julie, Tess and Naomi drifted over to sit with me, tired from the sun.

  ‘There’s a nice breeze here,’ observed Julie. ‘I thought this would be really boring, but it isn’t.’

  ‘That’s because they’ve actually found some artefacts, I suppose,’ said Tess. ‘It must be so disappointing when they don’t.’

  ‘And the view isn’t bad either,’ giggled Naomi.

  ‘View?’

  ‘Those lads.’ She indicated the archaeologists. There were four young men and two young women, two older men and one older woman, and Eric of course. The young men had been slowly removing clothes through the afternoon, and were now topless. I was uncomfortably reminded of the construction students always stripping off but quickly put the thoughts out of my mind.

  ‘You are a letch, Naomi,’ tutted Julie.

  ‘What? There’s no harm looking.’

  It was like being back at school as we chatted. Talking about boys, our plans for the future.

  ‘Do you have any ideas for baby names, Emily?’ asked Tess, breaking the spell.

  ‘Not really. I dunno. I haven’t really thought about names,’ I confessed.

  ‘Well, there’s not long now, perhaps you should start thinking.’

  ‘There’s no rush, though. Some babies aren’t named
‘til well after birth,’ Julie said comfortingly.

  There was a reason I hadn’t thought of names: it made the birth all too real and much closer. Too frightening. I preferred to carry on as I was, fat and content, meandering along through my life. My maternity leave started soon. What was I going to do for the month before the birth? Panic, I guess.

  ‘Ooh, look!’ Naomi had spotted Eric, finally giving in to the heat and taking his t-shirt off. We all giggled.

  ‘He’s filled out a bit since school,’ Julie remarked. ‘He always used to be a beanpole.’

  ‘Looks like he’s been on a sun bed too,’ Naomi said. ‘Mr Tanned Man.’

  We all giggled again.

  It was quite a let down when the archaeologists finished for the day. Sitting doing nothing, being with my friends in the sun was so pleasant, so relaxing.

  The month of maternity leave went by quickly as I was so busy preparing for the birth. Julie came round often with advice, ideas on what I would need to buy.

  My brother insisted vehemently that he would buy some of the major items for the baby, such as the cot.

  ‘I’m sorry it's not a family cot,’ he said the next time he came down. ‘I don’t know where the cot you and I had went.’

  ‘Perhaps mum got rid of it.’

  ‘Perhaps. She did a lot of that after dad left, didn’t she? Didn’t want to be reminded.’

  ‘You’ve got a good memory. I didn’t think you noticed anything after dad left.’

  ‘I did notice. I just didn’t say anything about it.’

  ‘I suppose you were just being a man and suppressing it all.’

  ‘Yes. Anyway, never mind that. This is a new start. A new baby. It will help you to have a baby, Em. Your life will be transformed.’

  My little brother had changed so much.

  Chapter 4

  My baby was born on a cold November night. He cried once, looked annoyed, then stared into my face intensely as the midwife, bless her, asked: ‘Do you want to breast feed?’

  I faintly nodded, so the baby was put on my breast.

  I wanted to shriek ‘What’s that? Take it away!’ but the moment passed. I was pleased with him but too exhausted to even feel any other emotion.