Descending Surfacing

by Catherine Chisnall

  Finally, Fiona finished her monologue and turned away to Karina. So did Mandy, which left no one talking to me. That continued for the rest of the evening, so I ate in silence.

  ‘I thought Mandy was really rude to you,’ said Anneka when we went back to her house.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She turned her back on you, and never spoke to you.’

  ‘I wish I could have sat next to you.’

  ‘Next time we’ll arrange it better.’ She gave her elfish smile.

  I had to get used to this: I needed mummy friends with little babies. Honey and Tess didn’t have much in common with me now, and Julie’s kids were older. I’d have to put up with a bit of rudeness from the mummies.

  I got a text a few days later.

  ‘can I see the babey. my mum wants 2.’

  I’d forgotten I’d kept Jamie’s number on my phone, or had I kept it for old times’ sake? It would be only fair for him to see Adam. And his mum should too.

  So I replied that evening.

  ‘Saturday 10th Feb. 2.00. My flat.’

  The day dawned. I felt like I was facing a firing squad but nothing would ever be as bad as giving birth.

  Jamie shuffled into the flat, glancing round as if trying to remind himself of the layout. A dark haired woman followed.

  ‘Hello,’ she stepped forward, holding out her hand. ‘Stacey Kemp.’ She was heavily made up, in a glamorous outfit.

  I shook her hand. ‘Emily Walker.’

  This was terribly uncomfortable. We were the same height and eye to eye. Stacey’s expression was unfriendly.

  ‘My husband’s parking the car. He’ll be here in a minute.’

  Jamie was absently fiddling with things around the flat, like he used to.

  ‘Can I see my grandson?’ demanded Stacey.

  ‘Of course. He’s asleep.’ I led her into my room.

  Jamie trailed after his mother. He obviously didn’t want to be there.

  Stacey peeped into the cot and exclaimed with surprise. Her face softened.

  ‘You looked just like that when you were a baby,’ she turned to her son. ‘Go on!’

  He hesitated, looking this way and that but, in the end, curiosity won and he peered over the side. Right at that moment, Adam decided to wake up and glared at him. Jamie jumped and his expression changed. To what, I wasn’t sure: shock, pride, fear? He backed away a little.

  ‘My fifth grandchild,’ said Stacey, turning to me. ‘I thought you were lying Emily ‘til I saw him. A proper little Sanchez.’

  I picked Adam up, too worried about him to wonder what on earth she meant.

  ‘I have to feed him.’ I went to the lounge. I wasn’t going to break his routine just because Jamie had turned up. Unfortunately I wasn’t quick enough, and the door buzzer went, setting Adam off crying. Stacey hurried over.

  ‘Hurry up, and be quiet,’ she hissed into it.

  A few minutes later, a square, thickset man with a crew cut came in. For an awful moment I thought it was Mr Norton.

  ‘Hello love,’ said the man. He had a soft Hampshire accent, it reminded me of a farmer’s.

  ‘This is my husband, Trevor. I’ll make a cuppa.’ Stacey bustled into the kitchen.

  ‘I’ll help you.’ Trevor followed her as if he was in a walking race.

  Jamie was trying not to watch me breastfeeding but couldn’t stop himself, so went to look out of the window.

  ‘Jamie, come over here,’ I ordered. He hovered by the sofa uncertainly.

  ‘I’ve got something for you.’ He got an envelope out of his tight jeans with some difficulty, and put it next to me. ‘Well, it's for him.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Money. It’s a hundred.’

  ‘Oh! Thank you. But I don’t need it, it's alright.’

  ‘You do. I’m not gonna - I’ve got to face up to my responsibilities.’

  ‘Is that what your mum said?’

  ‘No. Trevor said. He said that’s what a man with kids does. Mum doesn’t know I’m giving it to you.’

  ‘Sit next to us.’ I patted the sofa. So he did.

  ‘You can look you know,’ I indicated Adam suckling on my breast. ‘You have seen my boobs before, even though they are much bigger now.’

  He gave an uneasy laugh and watched curiously.

  Stacey and Trevor came out with the tea.

  ‘My fifth grandchild, as I was saying,’ she began. ‘My Tanisha’s got Spencer and Chantelle, and my Sonny’s got Jade and Kayleigh. It’ll be nice to have another boy. What’s his name?’

  ‘Adam.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice.’ She straightened some things on the coffee table. ‘Are you alright for baby clothes, love? I can get you some from Matalan-‘

  ‘Mum. He’s my son. I’ll get clothes,’ interrupted Jamie.

  ‘You haven’t even got a job, you lump.’

  ‘I’ve had interviews. It won’t be long.’

  ‘So you didn’t get that one when we met that time?’ I asked.

  ‘No. I was a bit too… shocked.’ He smiled ruefully.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Can’t be helped. Can I hold him?’

  I handed Adam to his father and was amazed that he held him properly.

  ‘Aw, bless,’ said Stacey. ‘He’s held so many babies.’

  ‘Been lumbered with them, more like,’ said Trevor, the first time he’d been able to get a word in.

  So many students I’d worked with came from large families with a constant stream of babies, and so many students actually had their own babies. Perhaps Jamie was more accustomed to them than I’d thought.

  ‘What did you mean “a proper little Sanchez”?’ I asked Stacey.

  ‘Oh, I come from an exotic line,’ she preened herself. ‘Spanish grandparents, very glamorous.’

  Trevor caught my eye resignedly. I guessed he’d heard that story many times.

  ‘What do you do now?’ I asked Jamie.

  ‘I’m at the college near my mum’s: Greenleaze. I’m doing carpentry and joinery, but I want a part time job too.’ The pride in his voice was obvious. ‘I left Stonefield. It was crap, and anyway, the others-‘

  ‘They wound him up something chronic ‘cos of you,’ interrupted Stacey, glaring at me.

  ‘Sorry.’ I gulped. Now the inquisition.

  ‘Mum-‘ Jamie said quietly, trying not to disturb the cooing Adam who was chewing on his finger with his toothless gums. Perhaps not a good idea to chew on a carpenter’s finger, but I stopped myself commenting.

  ‘But it's done now. I was angry with you at first love, but time heals.’ Stacey gave a faint smile. ‘I think you’ve had enough to cope with. I had my Sonny before I married Tanisha and Jamie’s dad. It's hard doing it all by yourself.’

  ‘I’ve been really lucky, Mrs Kemp. I’ve got some good friends who’ve helped me no end.’

  ‘Stacey, please. Yes, you need help on your own with a new baby.’

  ‘Carpentry sounds good.’ I turned back to Jamie. Couldn’t I think of anything more original to say?

  ‘Yes,’ said Trevor. ‘His teacher says it calms him down.’

  I nodded. A teacher at Stonefield had told me the same thing about another student with a fiery temper; carpentry took such concentration and care that it kept him cool.

  We chatted for a little longer, then they had to go.

  ‘Keep in touch, love. I’m sorry- I thought terrible things about you but now I’ve met you, I- I’ve changed my mind,’ Stacey blurted out as we parted.

  ‘It’s all water under the bridge,’ said Trevor. ‘No point holding grudges.’ What a calm man, I thought. Just what Jamie - and Stacey - need.

  ‘We’ll see you at the car, Jamie.’ Trevor directed his protesting wife out of the door.

  ‘I’ll tell you the real reason I left Stonefield,’ Jamie said the minute they’d gone.

  ‘Do I want to hear this?’

  ‘No…. but I’ll tell you. You know that
time Aaron got you in the locker room?’

  ‘Ye-es?’

  ‘I’m bigger than him now, so I beat the sh-‘

  I covered Adam’s ears.

  ‘Er- the You Know What out of him because of that and they chucked me out. But Greenleaze had to take me ‘cos I never got charged and they said I deserved another chance and their course was better and-‘ he ran out of breath. I’d never heard him talk so much.

  ‘So you were defending my honour.’

  ‘Yes. Aaron deserved it, he’s a- well, you were right about him. But I’m done with all that now. I wanna have a proper career and do something with my life.’

  ‘You’re lucky you never got charged, you know. With your record.’

  ‘I know I’m lucky. Trevor said that too. I’m not gonna risk it again.’

  We smiled at each other.

  ‘Did you know the rails on Adam’s cot are loose? I could come over and- fix them if you like?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘I don’t mean- I’m not chatting you up or nuffing, I’ve got a girlfriend. I just mean as a friend-‘

  ‘Oh, get over yourself! I’m not that desperate.’

  Luckily he laughed, and I couldn’t help joining in.

  ‘What does your girlfriend think of you having a son?’

  ‘I haven’t told her yet.’ He avoided my eyes. ‘She knows something’s up, but she’s cool. Trevor said I should wait ‘til I sorted it out with you.’

  ‘What’s her name?’

  ‘Amy.’

  ‘So you’re Jamie and Amy?’ I laughed.

  ‘Yeah, everyone says that.’

  ‘One more thing. Where did you get the money from?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t nick it. I sold some stuff.’

  I liked the new happy Jamie. He’d have to be in my life now he knew about Adam, but it was still a bit weird.

  The money Jamie gave me for Adam came in handy. I bought him a highchair, clothes and a little rocking baby seat to help him sit up, or lull him to sleep when he was fretful. But the money soon went, and Adam kept eating, and growing.

  Chapter 6

  I heard of another group, at the local school. Perhaps Adam would go there one day. What a scary thought that my tiny baby would one day be a school child. Surely he would stay a baby, I told myself cosily. I suppose everyone was a tiny baby once.

  So I went to the school group. I didn’t have much hope for it, it was just something to do to fill the time.

  I went in and was greeted by a cuddly, curly haired woman, smiling.

  ‘Oh, what a little darling,’ she cooed over Adam. ‘Are you here for the baby group?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I’m Mrs Bunton, the year R teacher. This way, dear.’ She ushered us into a large school hall, well lit by the large windows. Toys were set out on mats where toddlers played. Their mums sat in a group on chairs in the corner, so I sat away from them, tired of making the effort to be friendly. They were bound to be as judgemental as the others were.

  But one came over.

  ‘Oh, how sweet. What a tiny little baby,’ she smiled. ‘I’m Lisa. That’s my little girl over there, Hannah. She’s two.’

  ‘Adam is nearly twelve weeks.’

  ‘Oh, bless. Come and sit over here with us.’

  She introduced me to Becky, Jeanette, Carly and Shanice. They were all friendly and didn’t ask me anything about Adam’s feeding or sleeping habits.

  ‘I’m a single mum too,’ said Carly. ‘Erin’s dad helps out a bit but he’s pretty useless.’

  ‘Oh, Adam’s dad isn’t around either. I’ve got loads of good friends though.’

  ‘You really need your friends, don’t you, if you’re a single mum?’ Carly agreed.

  ‘I hope you come along every week, Emily,’ said Lisa, and the others smiled too. ‘We’re all sending our kids to this school. It would be nice if Adam went too.’

  ‘I’m expecting my third,’ said Shanice. ‘He will be in the same class as Adam, I expect.’

  I felt tears in my eyes at how nice and normal they all were. I wouldn’t go out with Karina and friends again.

  At the end of the session, Mrs Bunton read a story to the children while they sat round, entranced.

  ‘Would anyone else like to read?’ she asked at the end.

  ‘I will,’ I surprised myself, but was rewarded by small, bright faces turning towards me smiling.

  I picked a book at random and began reading. It was about a little kitten having adventures in the garden. It was pretty boring, so I started ad libbing.

  ‘Suddenly a magic robin appeared from behind the rose bush. “What would you like to do now, kitten?’ he asked….’

  I carried on my own story and Mrs Bunton’s expression changed from surprised to amused.

  After I’d finished and the children were laughing at my silly ending, she came over to me.

  ‘The story didn’t really go like that, did it?’

  ‘No. I- sorry, I thought it would liven it up a bit.’

  ‘Oh that’s alright. You have a vivid imagination. Have you thought about writing children’s books?’

  ‘No- I- well- I’ve told Adam so many silly stories, it just came naturally.’ I blushed.

  ‘Well, think about it. It would be a lovely job for a young mum, and money is always handy.’

  An interesting thought.

  * * *

  One day I decided to phone Jamie to ask if he wanted to see Adam again. I didn’t want to beg him for money but he had said he would help out, under the guidance of Trevor.

  I’d do it in a minute though. I was tired. I was always tired these days, however much my friends helped me. The broken nights and endless baby care took it out of me.

  The door buzzer rang and I shuffled towards it.

  ‘Hello Emily, it’s Eric.’

  Too exhausted to protest, I let him in.

  ‘Is this a good time?’

  ‘Not really. But it never is. Tea?’

  ‘I’ll make it.’ He strode towards the kitchen.

  There was the sound of cupboards and crockery but he didn’t ask where anything was. I relaxed. I didn’t need to worry with Eric. He was grown up and didn’t need instructing. He brought the tea with no fuss.

  ‘Bad day?’ he said. ‘May I?’ He turned the television channel over to Gardeners World. ‘It’s very soothing to hear people talking about plants.’

  I smiled. But the next thing I knew, I was waking up to hear Adam crying and Eric carrying him out of his cot to me.

  ‘Sorry. He wants mummy.’

  I got my boob out and shoved it in Adam’s face without caring what Eric thought. He went to tidy up in the kitchen anyway.

  Groggily, I remembered what I was going to do earlier. I picked up my mobile and called Jamie.

  ‘Ullo?’ said a gruff voice. Music thumped in the background.

  ‘It’s Emily.’

  ‘Yeh?’

  ‘I was just wondering…‘

  ‘What?’

  ‘If you wanted to see Adam again. And he does need more clothes and stuff.’

  ‘Okay. What does he need?’

  ‘Some-‘

  ‘Hang on.’ I could hear male voices in the background, talking and heckling him.

  ‘Jamie?’

  ‘What?!’

  ‘He needs some vests, babygros-‘

  ‘Hang on, I’ll call you back.’ He cut me off, so I threw the phone across the room.

  ‘Alright?’ asked Eric, hovering nearby.

  ‘No, actually, I’m not! I’m bloody exhausted and Adam’s stupid father won’t help me!’ I shouted. Adam jumped but carried on feeding.

  ‘What do you need?’

  I explained the situation, slowly and unclearly, as I wanted to go to sleep.

  ‘I’ll sort it out.’ Eric’s face was set determinedly.

  The next day, Julie turned up with a bag of baby clothes.

  ‘I’ve brought some of my kids’
old things. Eric told me you were running out. Gosh, I’m glad I kept them!’

  Good old Eric. I’d known when he said he would sort things out it wouldn’t be in the same way Jamie would, with his fists.

  ‘You can have any of my kids’ old clothes you know. I know what it's like trying to keep up with a growing baby. They only wear things once sometimes, don’t they?’ said Julie, tipping the clothes out on the bed and arranging them into types.

  I phoned Jamie a couple more times. Once I got his girlfriend and I could hear the sneering in her voice. No doubt she wouldn’t pass the message on to him. The next time I actually spoke to him.

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘Alright.’

  ‘Are you going to get any baby clothes?’

  ‘I dunno what you want.’

  ‘I did try to tell you but you cut me off last time.’

  ‘Sorry. Hang on-‘

  I could hear a girl in the background talking and laughing. I tried not to feel frustrated but it was becoming pretty obvious that Adam and I were low on Jamie’s list of priorities. He had a new life, a new, young, pretty girlfriend and didn’t want to be bothered with an older ex-girlfriend and a baby. As it has been since human life began.

  Suddenly the phone was picked up again. ‘Listen, you need to stop hassling him and get a life.’ It was Amy.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘That baby’s not Jamie’s. You need to get your own boyfriend and stop lying.’ She cut me off.

  What a fool I was thinking it would all work out neatly. I didn’t want Jamie back but it had been pointless trying to involve him in his son’s life. Oh well, if that was the way he wanted it, so be it. If he couldn’t stand up to his girlfriend or his mates and didn’t want Adam to know his father, it was his loss. I was tough enough not to care about him anymore.

  So I deleted Jamie’s number from my phone and any remaining texts. He was out of my life and Adam’s. It was lucky Adam hadn’t become attached to him.

  * * *

  One day Shane came round out of the blue.

  ‘Hey Emily, guess what?’

  ‘Er-‘

  ‘I’ve got a new job, so I have.’

  ‘As what?’

  ‘I’m now a barman at Wolf’s club. So much better than the bloody newsagents.’ He turned on the television, found a music channel and started dancing madly around the lounge.