Yesterday's Tomorrows

by M. E. Montgomery

  "Even girls like me?" I didn't bother to douse the snark in my words as I hurled them over my shoulder. Damn it! What was it about him that I allowed myself to get so impassioned?

  "Pull in your claws, Madelyn. I was merely--"

  I swung back around and leveled my eyes at him. "Don't stand there and pretend to be nice, Mr. Andrews. I saw how you looked at me the day you picked me up, and I hear the dislike in your tone each time you act as if you know my kind. I know you think I've done something so horrible I should spend the rest of my life paying for it. But let me tell you something, Mr. High and Mighty, I might not be behind locked doors and bars every day, but I'll pay for it the rest of my life because of people like you." I paused and took a deep breath, cutting him off when he opened his mouth. "Believe me when I say there are far worse people out there than me. Trust me; I've met them."

  Ouch. I couldn't believe I'd spoken to him like that, but I couldn't back down now. I couldn't show weakness.

  Holt stood stiffly before me with his hands in his pockets, and I could see his fists flexing through the material. "I hope the view looks good from up there," he drawled.

  "What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

  "From your high horse. For somebody who accuses me of making assumptions, you certainly seem to do your share."

  My jaw dropped as he spun on his heel and headed out of the room. Just before he disappeared around the doorway, he paused and glanced back at me. "Look in the mirror, Ms. Stone, and decide who's looking back at you before you complain about how other people see you."

  His words were quietly delivered, but their echo would reverberate loudly in my head for days.

  7

  Maddy

  I spat out my mouthful of toothpaste and used my hand to slurp up more rinse water. Feeling fresher, I checked on my reflection in the mirror.

  'Look in the mirror and decide who's looking back at you.'

  Damn him! No matter how hard I tried to forget my latest confrontation with Holten Andrews, his words kept coming back to me. What did he know about me? Yes, life had dealt me a shitty hand, but I always picked myself up and kept moving forward. Was he suggesting I only saw myself as a victim? That I always assumed others saw me as worthless?

  Well, aren't you?

  My inner psyche, that meddlesome nuisance, apparently agreed with him. I wanted to tell her to back off along with him, but she stood her ground and made me take a stronger look in the mirror. I looked older than any twenty-four-year-old should. Wariness clouded my eyes, my mouth was more frown than smile, and while my clothes were better than jailbird orange, they weren't overly flattering. Nondescript style and boring beige and white colors, the kind that screamed 'don't notice me.' I kept my hair pulled back in a tight braid and didn't wear any makeup.

  Holt was right. I never gave people a chance to make their mind up about me; I filled in the blanks for them as if I had a scarlet 'F' for felon emblazoned on my chest.

  I used to be gentle and kind, only bent on proving that I wasn't like my father or sister. I believed in myself and a better future. Six years mixing with more than a few delinquent inmates, some questionable prison guards, and a few harrowing experiences, and I'd become colored by sarcasm, distrust, and rudeness.

  So, whatcha gonna do about it?

  I shoved out my lower lip and blew out my breath, which in turn moved a couple of the stray hairs on my forehead. Impulsively, I reached behind my head and pulled out the rubber band and shook out my braid. Long dark auburn hair fell below my shoulders in awkward curls from being twisted all day. I finger-combed it to bring it into some semblance of order. It helped to soften my features. It was better, but maybe I better get to number five on my list sooner than later. I practiced smiling in the mirror and glimpsed the girl I'd once been. A little older, a lot wiser, but still hopeful. Perhaps my old self wasn't as far buried as I thought. I wondered if I had time to stop at the drugstore down the street and get some lip gloss to dress up my new smile.

  Satisfied with my plan, I hurried out of the office building and walked the four blocks to where the tutoring program was based. There was a definite chill in the evening air, but my fast pace quickly warmed me up.

  The office was quiet as I entered. I didn't see anyone except a woman pecking away at a keyboard. She looked with a warm smile up at my arrival.

  "Hello. Are you Madelyn?"

  I nodded. Bangle bracelets clanked and giant hoop earrings swung as she stood to greet me. Her black hair was cut close to her scalp and would have looked almost masculine except for her highlighted cheekbones and beautifully outlined eyes that stood out against her smooth cocoa skin. Once again, I found myself feeling plain and inferior next to her simple beauty. Her smile, however, put me at ease.

  "Hi. I'm Mary. Thank you for coming down so we can chat before we go any further with your application."

  I accepted her handshake. "I'm pleased to be here. And I truly appreciate this opportunity."

  Mary led me to a couch in the same room. "I'm sorry for the informality, but this isn't a formal interview. I'd just like to better understand your circumstances and what led you to us."

  I explained how I was part of a new program at the law firm, the jobs I was responsible for, and the reason I was in the library where I came across the ad. Mary didn't take any notes, just listened patiently.

  "That's very commendable," she said. "It sounds like you're trying to make a new life for yourself."

  I nodded. "I am. I know it's going to take some time and many doors are now closed to me, but I'm hoping there will be some that will eventually open."

  "So the big question, Madelyn, is why were you in prison? I promise, I’m not here to judge. That part of your life is over. But I do have children and a reputation here to protect.”

  I'd been prepared for the question, but I still struggled to push the words past my lips. "I killed a man." The words made the butterflies in my stomach turn into winged beasts, and I hoped I didn’t get sick.

  To her credit, she didn't flinch, but she did curl and bite her lip. "Will you tell me why?"

  I'd lost a lot of sleep last night, trying to determine how much I should share. I wanted to be truthful, but spilling all the details probably wasn't necessary since the verdict and sentencing were over. "He was hurting someone I cared about, but she disappeared and was unavailable to testify on my behalf. He came from a powerful family and had more resources than I did, so I took a plea bargain figuring it was a shorter time than what the prosecution might have pushed for. In the end, I was probably lucky the state allowed the deal."

  Mary remained quiet when it was obvious I had no more to say. I continued to stare at the couch as I had during most of my statement.

  "Well, things have certainly been very difficult for you." I breathed a little easier when I heard her voice maintain its smooth, easy-going manner, but I was still nervous about what she'd say next. "The way I see it, it would be understandable if you were bitter and angry. And yet I see before me a young woman who is trying to move forward and reclaim her life. There's no doubt you'll be shaped differently than you would have been, but that doesn't make the mold any less worthy. It might even make you stronger."

  I jerked my head up to look at her. She gave me a gentle smile. "Madelyn, what happened to you is unfortunate. However, I’m impressed by you and your honesty just now. I think you were the perfect choice for the release program with the law firm, and I think, pending the rest of the application process, you deserve a chance here as well."

  I broke out in a huge smile, mixed with a little shock.

  She held her hand up. "I'll still need the letters of recommendation, and it will be on a trial basis with plenty of monitoring. And you still have to complete the academic competency tests, which if you have the time, you can get started on right now. And, at least for now, you won't be allowed to tutor in person. It will remain limited to the computer."

  I nodded eagerly, still struggling to
find the right words of gratitude. "Thank you so much, Mary. You'll never know how much it means to have this chance."

  She clasped my hand that I held out. "Actually, I do. That's why I wanted to meet you. My story isn't the same, but someone gave me a chance once, and I'll never forget it. Perhaps when there's more time, I'll share it with you. Maybe someday you'll be in a position to do the same." She squeezed my hand again and stood "Now, let's see what you can do on our evaluation so we can see where we can best utilize your talents."

  She led me down a dimly lit hallway to a small room, sort of like the computer lab we had in my high school. She used the mouse to click on a few buttons and gave me simple instructions. She left me with paper, pencil, and a calculator and then left me alone. About an hour and twenty minutes later I came back to the front desk.

  Mary looked up in surprise. "You're done already?"

  Her tone worried me. "Did I forget to do something?"

  She tapped at her computer and studied it for several minutes before glancing up at me with wide eyes. "Did you say you only finished high school?"

  "I, um, well, I wasn't able to graduate with my class, but I was allowed to take my finals and send them in. I had enough credits to be considered finished, so I have a high school diploma. And I took a couple of online college classes in math while I was, well, you know..."

  Mary nodded and continued to scroll her screen, then swiveled her chair to look directly at me.

  I bit my lip as I looked at her. "Did I not do well?"

  "Well, not only did you score extremely high on the English and history portions, but you have a perfect score on the math section." She turned the computer screen to show me.

  "Oh," I chuckled to cover my embarrassment, "I like math. It's always come easily to me."

  "Well, that's our most requested subject for help, so we need all the math experts we can find," she assured me. "I’ll send you home with the rest of the application, and as soon as you're able, bring it back with some letters of recommendation. I look forward to hearing back from you, Madelyn."

  I accepted the papers she held out to me. "Thank you, for everything."

  She smiled and nodded, and seconds later I was on my way home, smiling big and with a new bounce in my stride. Tomorrow, I was going to find that hair salon!

  8

  Holt

  I sighed and leaned back in my chair and rubbed my hands over my tired eyes. I'd read the same paragraph for the past thirty minutes, but I may as well have been staring at black and white hieroglyphics for all I got out of it.

  Why the hell I'd chosen to drown myself in legal documents instead of a bottle of Macallan Scotch might have been a serious misjudgment on my part. Today marked an anniversary of the worst day in my life. Had it really been five years since I buried Claire? Five years since I had to yield her to the cold, hard ground rather than the security of my arms?

  On good days, if I closed my eyes, I could still feel her warmth pressed against my body; I could hear her sighs as I moved my mouth along her soft curves. But other times, like today, all I could feel was her weight as she collapsed in my arms, and the only sounds were my anguished cries as I begged her not to leave me.

  Time had eased the daily heartache, but it hadn't healed the hole in my heart. It was always a day I struggled to get through, even years later. But four hours ago when my buddy James called and invited me out, I'd been determined that for the first time in five years I could handle the memories that were stronger today than other days. However, as the office area grew quiet, my thoughts grew louder. All of the sudden pep talks from my family caused the tug and pull of my emotions to be worse. They didn't understand the promises I had made, the reassurances I had given.

  The guilt I felt.

  It wasn't as simple as they wanted me to believe.

  Thunder rumbled outside, a perfect match to my dark mood. I put the papers I was reviewing into a folder and made a note for Linda, my secretary, to have copies made for the other members of my team. Linda Talbot was a godsend in our office, but I'd never admit that to her. She was the most efficient person I'd ever seen and she expected nothing less from those who worked around her. Those of us who worked with her thought her mouth was only capable of two movements: straight across or turned downward. I doubted an appearance by the President of the United States would rattle her. She'd probably scold him for not making an appointment and would usher him to a chair to wait his turn.

  So to find her happy about the new clerk who finally got things right had caused more than one of us to stop dead in our tracks. I'd grown used to hearing Linda grumble about how things were done sloppily and rarely on schedule. Now she was singing the praises of one Madelyn Stone and insisted that 'Maddy' be the only one to handle our paperwork. 'Did you have a chance to try the treats Maddy left in the break room? Quite the baker, that girl.' 'I heard Maddy brought a card around for everyone to sign when Mr. Sigmon had his surgery. Such a thoughtful girl.' 'Did you see the card Maddy brought me for my birthday? She wrote such a nice note on it.'

  This last comment had a glare attached to it since I was guilty of forgetting this significant event and had to quickly make up for it with a generous gift certificate to Linda's favorite restaurant. And to top it off, apparently Maddy was able to perform all these extra workplace treats while never neglecting her duties. This was in stark contrast to her co-worker, Misty, who could frequently be seen leaning against a desk openly flirting with many of the male staff. I'd been the target of Misty on more than one occasion while Linda ‘tsked’ disapprovingly from her desk. I had no interest in Misty other than it was funny to watch my straitlaced secretary get riled up.

  I yanked the sticky note off the folder; there was little point creating more work for Saint Madelyn. It was another excuse not to go home to my empty apartment, too. I headed to the workroom area two floors down where there were bigger copying machines better equipped to manage the number of papers I needed to be copied and compiled. As I neared the door, I became aware of low mumbles and short rounds of laughter. The cleaning staff must be here. I hesitated outside the door as I heard what was being said.

  "Hi there. What can I do for you?" a woman's voice said. I jumped, believing she was talking to me until I realized I couldn't be seen.

  I heard her throaty laughter. "Hi, Kyle. Don't worry. That's what I'm here for. I promise to make this easy for you."

  Puzzled by what kind of meeting could be taking place at this hour, I hid in the hallway and continued to listen.

  "Alright. Let's see what you've got...Oh, wow, yes, you've certainly got a hard one there. Long one, too. I'm glad you called, so I can help you with that."

  What the fuck? Hard and long? How exactly was she going to help with it?

  I don't know who the hell Kyle was, but under other circumstances, I might have enjoyed hearing that same voice making the same promise from between my thighs. Her voice was warm and inviting; seductive even. Apparently, my dick thought so, too, judging by how it was straining against my zipper. I cursed myself for responding even slightly, today of all days.

  "No, I think you need to try a different angle...mmm…here, try starting here…yes, that’s better, now you’re ready to slide it…yes, you've almost got it…keep going…yes…a little more…there ya go…now finish…yes…excellent!”

  Flustered by the words and irritated by my reaction to them, I decided to put an end to whatever the fuck was going in there, hopefully not actual fucking of any kind; I really wasn't into voyeurism. I took about three steps into the room before I froze.

  There sat Madelyn, a huge smile on her face as she sat talking into a headset in front of a computer. I almost didn't recognize her - her face was flushed and her hair swung freely about her shoulders in a new style instead of held captive in her usual tight braid. She looked exhilarated. It stopped me in my tracks and anything I was about to say lodged in my throat.

  I must have made some sort of sound because she suddenl
y turned in my direction. She almost fell out of her chair. Huge eyes settled on me as her hand slapped across her chest.

  "Mr. Andrews," she choked. She mumbled something into her mouthpiece and yanked the headset off her head, glancing sideways at the computer before staring at me. "What do you mean barging in here like that? You scared me half to death!"

  I managed to recover my voice and kept it from squeaking like the prepubescent teenager I was feeling like after listening to her erotic words. "I hardly barged. And why are you still here and what the hell are you doing?" I strode closer until my legs bumped into her knees. Her jaw worked up and down as if she couldn't form the right words. I could read surprise and confusion in her rapidly blinking eyes. However, the fear I also saw in them as she tried to shrink backward into her seat didn't sit well with me.

  I took a step backward. "Well? What are you doing after hours on a company computer talking to, who was it? Kyle?"

  "I...I was just helping a student with a math problem, flipping and sliding geometric shapes to be exact. I'm an online tutor. I have permission from Mrs. Holmes to use the computer until I get one of my own." She turned the computer screen toward me and sure enough there on the screen were some triangles on a grid and some mathematical-looking markings.

  Geometry? I'd gotten hard over a fucking math problem?

  "Oh." Lame, but it was all I had at the moment.

  Her eyes darkened and narrowed. "What did you think I was doing?"

  I did what any smart man would do; I remained silent and took a step backward, trying discreetly to adjust myself. Yep, that law degree was coming in handy now. She seemed genuinely confused until she saw my movement near my crotch and revelation flashed in her eyes. The way her mouth twisted in a snarl, I swear she looked like a she-wolf ready to launch herself at me.

  "Oh, my God! You thought I was having phone sex, didn't you?"