Yesterday's Tomorrows

by M. E. Montgomery

I shrugged.

  "She's not on her own," Holt's voice stated as he sat cups of steaming coffee on the table in front of us.

  My heart beat a little harder at his words. How much I wanted to believe him, and as he held my gaze for several seconds as if compelling me to trust him, I think I did.

  A clearing throat broke the moment. "I hope you didn't lose anything that canna be replaced?"

  I remembered the reason I had come running out here in the first place. "Um, mostly just some clothes and knickknacks. I feel bad for everyone else, though, especially those with families, like my friend, Serafina." I jumped to my feet. "Oh, God! I hope they're alright. Her little boy is sick! He needs a place to rest and get medicine, and what about poor Mr. Murphy on the first floor, the one who’s in a wheelchair?”

  Warm hands pushed me back down on the couch and Holt squatted in front of me, his large hands engulfing mine. "Maddy, I'm sure they're fine, but if it makes you feel better, we'll contact the Red Cross and see if we can find out where they went. You don’t need to worry, okay?"

  God, what was happening to me? I kept falling apart and needed to pull it together. I took a deep breath and focused on the man in front of me, steadying me with his calmness. "You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm so emotional when others lost so much more than me."

  "I think you're entitled. You've had a rough go of it lately. And just because you didn't have as much as others, it doesn't make your loss any less." He stood up and moved to sit in another chair, but kept his eyes locked on me. The golden glow of his eyes caused an unexplained shiver to run through me

  I would have missed Molly Andrews’s assessing stare followed by her pleased smile if I hadn’t forced my gaze away from Holt’s. She placed her coffee cup on the table. "Well, I need to be running along. It was a pleasure to meet you, Madelyn."

  Mrs. Andrew’s pulled me into a warm hug while Holt gathered her coat. Her gesture felt so motherly, I wanted to cling to her and confide everything I was feeling. Instead, I gave her a quick squeeze in return. Before she pulled back, she whispered in my ear, "It will all be fine, dear. Have faith in Holt and let him help you. He needs it as much as you do. You wouldn’t be here if he didn’t care.” Pulling back, she smiled. “I hope the clothes fit. If not, we have an excuse to go shopping and get to know each other better." She turned and crooked her finger at her son. He bent down, and she kissed his cheek. "Bring Maddy with you tomorrow." She picked up a purse near the front door and left.

  Holt needs me? Clothes? Tomorrow? What was she talking about?

  "Sorry," Holt said. "My mom is nothing, if not direct."

  "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," I snorted. "But she was sweet. What did she mean by clothes?"

  "I'm sorry, Maddy. I went back for the laundry you mentioned last night. I found the basket, but all that was left were some socks and a few pairs of um, your underwear. I've got them in the wash for you since I found them tossed aside in the bushes and mud."

  I flushed at the idea of Holt handling my underwear. There was nothing special about them, which almost made it worse that he saw firsthand how unsexy I was. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t like he was interested in me that way, but I was certain the women he dated were much more sophisticated and had pretty clothes, on the surface and underneath.

  "So early this morning,” I refocused on what he was saying, "I called my sister-in-law, Sara. She's close to your size, and I asked if she had some clothes you could borrow so you'd have something clean to wear today until we can go shopping. She put together a couple of bags. Somehow, my mom found out and insisted on bringing them over herself." He grinned. "I told you, nothing gets past her."

  You mean she came to check out the woman staying with you to see if she’s good enough for you, I thought.

  "She's just looking out for you. I think it's sweet. But a couple bags of clothes? For a complete stranger?" I was overwhelmed by his sister-in-law's generosity.

  "That's Sara." He reached behind the couch and pulled out two large paper sacks, each filled to the top with colorful fabrics. "She said to keep anything you want."

  I pulled out the top piece from one of the bags. It was a dark blue blouse, and I was sure it was real silk. The item that came after it, a gorgeous emerald green sweater dress, still had a tag on it. "Oh, I...wow." I glanced at Holt. "It's too much, even to borrow." My own family had never treated me with such graciousness and generosity.

  Holt picked up the bag and pushed it into my chest. "Take it, Maddy. I swear she wouldn't have sent it if she didn't want you to have it. Some might be a few of hers, and some might have come from the boutique she owns. One side is like a regular consignment shop, but the other side she keeps for wannabe new designers so they can sell their designs to help get their name out there. Some might be secondhand, but I'll take you shopping whenever you want."

  "Secondhand isn't a problem. I've just...I've never had such nice things, Holt, and I'm not used to someone doing something so nice for me, at least, not without a price of some kind attached. It's hard to accept."

  "Maddy, Maddy, Maddy,” he sighed. “Always so suspicious. I get something shitty happened to make you so jaded, but there are people who do nice things for others just because they want to. Sara is one of them. And you'll hurt her feelings if you don't let her help. In fact, I didn't even have to ask her. She offered the second I told her I had a friend who lost everything in a fire."

  "She's not the only one in your family. It seems I’m always thanking you, but again, thank you, Holt. For everything you've done."

  He smiled. "You're welcome."

  "Did...did you by any chance find a book or necklace when you went back?" I had to know for sure.

  He shook his head. "I'm sorry. You mentioned a book last night. I looked everywhere, all over the ground, in the bushes, up and down the entire area. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for, but no, no books or anything else. It’s not a bad neighborhood, but I suspect there are enough people who didn’t want to pass up free clothes or anything else. Were they important?"

  I blew out a breath. "It doesn't matter. Thank you for looking. I'm going to grab a shower if you don't mind." I needed to get away before I cried again. Damn Charly for sending them.

  "Sure. And Maddy, while you're here, think of it as your home. You don't need to ask permission. I'm going to run out and grab us some breakfast, okay?"

  "K."

  His shrewd eyes appeared to assess me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

  I nodded and hurried down the hall before he could push me further. The guest bathroom was larger and nicer than mine with granite countertops and a walk-in shower. By the time I finished enjoying the amazingly rejuvenating hot spray, I'd given myself the mother of all pep talks. I'd convinced myself that I could live as I had for the past six years without those items. I was still sad that they were gone forever, but they were only material items.

  By the time I was dressed in the most casual clothes I could find in the bags, a pair of form-fitting jeans and a white wrap around blouse, I'd convinced myself Holt had been right when he said there were people who cared about others, about me. The past few weeks were proof of that. It was time to move on and quit letting my past be so influential on the present.

  By the time I made my bed and put away my new clothes, including the sleepwear Holt loaned me that I decided to hold on to, I had convinced myself I could pick up and move on and make friends without holding on to my fear of betrayal.

  By the time I straightened the kitchen and had a second cup of coffee, I’d decided that Holt was a man true to his word. He was someone who enjoyed looking out for other people, and even knowing my past, he’d defended me. When we argued, it had been mostly my presumptions that had fueled it. Despite them, he hadn’t turned his back on me. He tried harder to get to know me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to allow him in and trust him.

  Holt wasn't back yet, so I decided to take him at his word and make myself at home
by exploring his apartment. It was a lot bigger than mine with overall larger rooms as well as more of them. In addition to the guest room, he had one other bedroom that looked like he'd turned it into a study. Other than his bedroom, which seemed too private to enter, this was the one room that felt the most like him, so I nudged the door open further and entered. Curious, I was drawn to the diplomas hanging on his walls. It figured. He'd graduated with honors, summa cum laude to be exact. I shook my head and grinned. Of course, he did. I don't think Holt did anything half-measure.

  Bookshelves flanked the single window, and a leather loveseat was placed against a wall facing a large, dark wood desk. Papers and books were scattered across the surface. I stood in front of it, nosily picking up a couple of pictures. One, in particular, stole my breath and forced the blood to drain from my face.

  By the time Holt returned and found me, I'd convinced myself that everything I'd convinced myself of earlier - was nothing but a lie.

  20

  Holt

  I didn't see Maddy anywhere when I got back. Putting the bag of groceries and carry out bag on the kitchen counter, I went in search of her. I found her in my study. The clothes that Sara had chosen for her fit so much better than what I usually saw her wearing, and my earlier assessment had been right. Maddy was beautiful when she didn’t try to hide it.

  "Breakfast is here," I announced.

  She whirled to face me, holding up a picture that I kept on my desk. The look on her face was one of shock and disgust.

  "You're married?" she gasped. Before I could answer, she continued, "Oh. My. God. Holt, what were you thinking? Taking me out to lunch? Staying at my place for dinner? Bringing me here? No wonder your mother gave me the third degree. Whatever else I am, I'm not like that, Holt."

  I hurried around my desk, but she backed away from me. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, Holt, truly. But I think you should take me to that shelter the Red Cross lady mentioned." She moved to the front door and reached for my truck keys. "Where is your wife, anyway? And what's her name, in case I need to explain?"

  "Stop, Maddy. It's not like that."

  "Really? Are you going to give me some line about being separated or something? You still have your wedding picture on your desk, for Pete’s sake!"

  She darted around me, but I grabbed her arm. "Listen to me,” I said sternly.

  She tried to pull away, but I grasped her other arm and held firm. "She's dead, Maddy," I blurted, startling us both with the bluntness of my words.

  The fight seemed to drain from her, and she quit struggling. "Wh...what?"

  Swallowing hard, I force myself to continue. "I was married,” I said quietly. “Her name was Claire, and she died five years ago."

  "Bu…but the date on the frame is only from five years ago."

  I tried to hold her gaze, but her sympathetic expression had me blinking several times before I had to look away. "I know. She died on our wedding day,” I whispered brokenly.

  A shudder rippled through me. I released her and walked to the window, where I stood in a beam of sunlight, its warmth doing nothing to alleviate the cold I felt.

  "Oh, Holt,” she gasped. “I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. I should have known you wouldn’t do anything like that."

  I heard her continue to mumble to herself. “Why do I always go off with my gun half cocked?”

  I had my back to her, but I sensed her move to stand behind me; I always seemed to sense her presence. A small hand on my arm confirmed it.

  Her breath was shaky as she spoke. "I can't imagine what you must have gone through. What you still must go through. And here I was rambling along, accusing you of something terrible. I'm so sorry, Holt--"

  Turning to face her, I was a little caught off guard by the tears in her eyes. I shouldn't have been. Despite her outwardly tough demeanor, I knew she was a very sensitive person. I'd witnessed it many times.

  "Shhh, Maddy. You didn't know. I should have told you, but it isn’t the kind of thing you just blurt out over lunch or dinner."

  Her voice was full of chagrin. “No, I should’ve just asked you, not accused you. I swear, if dumb were dirt, I’d cover a full acre.”

  Despite the circumstances, her answer amused me. Before I could stop myself, I cupped her face in one palm, using my thumb to wipe away a tear that dripped down her cheek. "It’s okay, Maddy. Really. It was a long time ago, but I won't lie. It still hurts."

  She clasped my hand and wove her fingers through mine, keeping it against her cheek. "You must have loved her very much."

  "I did."

  "She was a lucky girl," she murmured. "She must have been amazing for you to have loved her so much. Would you tell me about her, I mean, other than that fact that she was beautiful?" She flushed. "Unless it's too painful, of course."

  "It hurts, but no one ever talks to me about her anymore." I dropped her hand, flopped on the loveseat, and scrubbed my hands over my face. Except to tell me to move on, I grumbled to myself.

  "I understand what that's like," she mumbled before she joined me on the opposite end of the couch, curling her legs beneath her.

  I couldn't understand her curiosity, but it was refreshing to have someone ask about Claire, rather than tucking her memory away as if she never existed or trying to bury her in trite comments and platitudes.

  "I met Claire when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in high school," I began. "You know, all the guys checking out the new freshman meat." I smiled wryly and she wrinkled her nose at me. "The second I saw her I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. My friends made fun of me and dared me to go over and introduce myself. I was sort of cocky back then, so I did. Only, when I stepped in front of her, and her blue eyes met mine, I went completely blank. I held my hand out and said, 'Hi. I'm....' I stood there like a total idiot, not even able to remember my name.”

  Maddy snorted, and I could tell she was trying to bite back one of her smartass comments.

  "She laughed at me and reached inside her purse. She scribbled on a pad of paper and handed it to me and said, 'I'm really good at English. Maybe you should call me sometime, and I can help you with yours.' Then she walked away." I chuckled at the memory. "My friends were so impressed that I got her number that easily and wanted to know what I'd said to get it. Obviously, I couldn't tell them the truth, so I said it was more about what you don't say than what you do."

  She laughed softly. "Practicing your lawyer finesse even then, it seems."

  I grinned and shrugged. Sharing Claire with Maddy felt strange and refreshing at the same time. Everyone else was so afraid to speak about her, but it felt good to share a happy memory of her. "Maybe. But needless to say, I did call her. She was as beautiful on the inside, and we were always together after that. We were each other's firsts, you know?

  "I graduated and went to UVA so I could travel home on weekends. When she graduated the next year, she joined me there. She was so smart. She wanted to be a nurse. We wanted to get married, but I didn't want to wait until we had both graduated and went to graduate school and then found jobs. It seemed so far off. So, I decided to quit college and join the Marines. It was something I'd always thought about doing anyway, thought I owed it to my country. Claire begged me not to because she was terrified something might happen to me. But in my mind, joining would at least give me an income and benefits, and if anything happened to me, she would be provided for, at least until she finished school. I figured that maybe I could put in my three years and then use the SGLI educational loan to go back to college. That way we'd have fewer student loans." I paused and pinched the bridge of my nose. "It was the only time we'd ever had a major fight. She actually broke up with me, angry that I'd made that decision without discussing it with her."

  "Obviously, she got over it," she said.

  "Longest week of my life at the time, but yes, she did. She was never thrilled with the idea, but she finally agreed with my reasoning. She made me promise that I'd finish my degree
after the three years were up, and I agreed.

  "I went to boot camp at Parris Island, came out Private Andrews and was assigned to Second Marine Division at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. We had to go through long stretches where we couldn't see each other, and Claire shed a lot of tears, but we got through it. It was a good test of our relationship, and I think we were stronger for it. We’d proven that we were more than just a first love crush. She graduated in late summer and we planned a Christmas wedding. Then word came that we were the next unit to be deployed to Afghanistan. We had three months to make sure all of our affairs were in order. The CO staggered leave requests the best he was able so that we could have a few days with loved ones. I couldn't deny a part of me was excited to get to put into action what I had trained to do. Claire, however, was devastated.

  "We agreed to move up the wedding date to match my leave scheduled in early fall. She’d gotten a job at the hospital on base and was going to start in after the wedding. When I came home on leave for two weeks, we spent every bit of time we had together and were married.

  I got lost in my memories. I could see it as if it was happening now, the scent of the flowers, the candlelight, the swell of the organ music as she appeared at the door of the chapel… I shook my head, willing myself to continue.

  "The wedding was simple but beautiful. She'd done an amazing job putting it together with the unexpected time change. I was so fucking proud as she walked down the aisle toward me, knowing she was willing to commit to me even knowing all that came along with the marriage. She made me feel invincible, like I was capable of anything as long as she was by my side."

  I paused and leaned my hands on the window sill, bracing myself for the rest of the story. "We did all the traditional stuff that happens at receptions. All I could think about was getting out of there and starting our honeymoon. We didn't have much time as it was, and I wanted to make the most of every moment.

  "Finally, we left to change clothes. She looked a little pale to me, but I figured she was just tired from an exhausting week. She promised me she was fine, but as we walked back into the ballroom, she stumbled against me. I thought she had tripped, but then she collapsed in my arms."