Yesterday's Tomorrows

by M. E. Montgomery

  "Claire didn't like taking birth control pills. She tried. I guess it's rare, but she always complained it made her feel bad, especially around, well, you know..." Even as a grown man, it wasn't easy to talk about sex and women's cycles, even with my dad.

  "So," I continued, "she was going to try another form, but you know how busy she was. So I always kept it covered, you know? Until she had time to go to the doctor. But you know how they say it only takes one time? It's true. I didn't protect her one night, and she got pregnant."

  I turned around to face my dad who still hadn't said a word, just listened. I half expected to see some form of anger or judgment on his face for my carelessness, but there was nothing but sympathy and understanding.

  "I remember the night I went to her apartment. It was a holiday weekend, Labor Day I think, so we all had a seventy-two-hour liberty. We were going to finish up some plans for the wedding. She was so pale when I opened the door, I knew something was wrong. That's when she told me she was pregnant. She was scared it was too soon, scared I'd be mad at her, and terrified she'd have to do it alone because my unit was going to be mobilized.

  "I was shocked, but I wasn't angry. And as we sat there and talked about becoming parents, we grew more and more excited. We knew we wanted a family, it was just going to happen earlier than we planned. The wedding was only a month and a half away, so we decided not to tell anyone until afterward. A couple of weeks later I took some leave and we went to the doctor for her first ultrasound. And there on the screen was my child, his or her heart beating away. I didn't know how fast a baby's heart could beat, Dad, but there it was, with tiny little arms and legs. We came home and held each other and the picture of our child. We were so happy, but she was still so scared. I promised her everything'd be fine, and I'd always take care of them. And I knew if I did deploy, you guys would be there for her as well as her family."

  I slid to the floor and held my head. "I promised her, Dad. I promised everything would be okay, but it wasn't."

  My dad squatted on the floor in front of me. "No, it wasn't, Holt, but that wasn't your fault."

  "Yes, it was, Dad." I raised my tear-filled eyes and saw my pain reflected in his face. "It turns out she had a heart condition. That's what killed her. The pregnancy was too much for her body. And she was only pregnant because I didn't protect her from it. I killed her, and I killed my unborn child."

  "No, Holt. I won't let you go there. She died from an undiagnosed heart condition."

  "Right, but the pregnancy added to the complication, and the pregnancy happened because of my carelessness," I repeated.

  "It was a tragedy, Holt, but it's no more your fault than Claire's. There is no blame in this. Neither of you had any idea about her health issue."

  "But maybe if..."

  "Holt, I'm not going to let you do this. It was no one's fault. If you had known, I've no doubt you would have done everything you could to protect them both. But that leads me back to my first point. You can't change anything. Claire doesn't need protecting anymore. Your child doesn't need protecting anymore. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Real flesh and blood, that's what needs you. And Holt, I sense that girl out there needs you. You're trying so hard to protect a memory that you're going to end up hurting her, and that's not fair to her or you. You were blessed with the love of a wonderful woman once. Be grateful, but don't be regretful and think you need to punish yourself. You dishonor Claire when you do." He tipped his head toward the window. “And that little gal out there? She’s gotten to you. She wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t, and you and I both know that.”

  I sat still, listening to his wisdom and amazed by his insight. I’d already hurt her, but I didn’t confess that.

  "You think I don't know what you do, Son?” he continued quietly. “You use women to relieve a physical need but don't allow any of them close enough to relieve your real pain, your fear of loving and maybe losing again. Maybe that's because the right woman has never come along to create the kind of turmoil I see in your eyes. I think we both know that Maddy means more to you than you want to admit, all because of some unnecessary guilt you carry.”

  He nodded toward the window. “I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s got some pain of her own, so I suspect she'll understand yours. You just have to give her a chance. And if you can't do that, don't string her along. She deserves someone who will protect her heart while it’s still beating. And you deserve a woman who looks at you the way she does."

  He clapped me on the back. "I love you, Holt. I think you should share the whole story with your family, and then with her; I think sharing it will help you."

  "Maybe," I answered.

  "Let us mourn with you, Son. I won't lie. It hurts knowing I would have had another grandchild. But worse, it's killing me that you thought you had to keep that secret to spare us. That wasn't a grief you should have ever tried to carry by yourself. Let us in. We don't need you to protect us, but maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there who needs you as much as you need her."

  I nodded. My dad's words made me think of everything in a different light.

  "Can I have a few minutes?" I asked him.

  He squeezed my shoulder one more time before closing the door on his way out, allowing me the time to compose myself. I looked out the window again. Maddy was lying on the ground with the kids all tugging on her arms trying to pull her up. I could tell by the way she'd allow them to lift her part way up that she was pretending to be too tired. Although as hard as I knew those kids could play, maybe she wasn't pretending. I chuckled as she suddenly pulled little Andrew under her. I saw him laughing and squirming as she tickled him until the twins piled on top of her trying to tickle her.

  She seemed like such a natural fit in my family. Everyone enjoyed her company. I found myself looking forward to going home at the end of the day instead of finding reasons to stay at work. She'd already changed my life. Could I let her change it further? For the first time, I started to think not only could I, but I longed for her to try. I just needed to convince her.

  But first things first.

  I had to hurt my family one more time.

  27

  Maddy

  As soon as I walked back into the house from romping with the kids, I could feel the change of atmosphere in the house. Holt's family was always so upbeat. Now there was a somber feeling as I walked into the living room. I couldn't imagine what might have changed, but there had obviously been some bad news. I could feel by the way Jamie paused in the joke he was telling me and by how Brittany's hand tightened on mine that the children sensed it, too.

  The adults in the room looked up with almost guilty faces at our arrival. Carol's face showed traces of tears, Callum stood stiffly by the window, Holt's mom was wrapped in his dad's arms, and I could hear her sniffling and him murmuring words in her ear.

  I bent down to the twin's level and whispered, "What do you say I take you upstairs and help you guys get cleaned up, huh?"

  As we turned, Carol called, "No, it's okay. I'll take them." She crossed the room and scooped Andrew into her arms and rubbed the twin's heads. "Thanks for the break, Maddy. I just need to spend some time with them right now."

  I gave her a questioning glance, but she turned and hurried away.

  I remained standing uncertainly in the doorway, not feeling welcome to join in what seemed like a family moment. Maybe I could go hang out in the kitchen.

  "Maddy."

  Holt's soft call stopped me after I took two steps. I looked at him. His mouth was pulled tight, and lines of stress puckered between his eyes.

  "Are you ready to go?" His eyes practically implored me.

  Molly Andrews put a hand on Holt's arm as if she could stop him. "No, Holt. Stay. You should stay and be with family."

  He hugged her. "I'm not running, Mom. I just need some time."

  His mom looked between the two of us and seemed to change her mind. "Maybe you're right," she acknowledged softly.
/>
  Holt leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I'll be alright." His words seemed to satisfy her.

  Cal finally left the window and pulled his younger brother in for a tight hug, finishing with a few back slaps. "You know we're here for you, little bro. I'm glad you finally told us." He shot me an odd look and left the room as well.

  Chris Andrews gave Holt a similar hug but only nodded. They seemed to communicate with only a look.

  What the hell was going on? It felt like the whole room was grieving, but nobody was saying anything, just giving me strange looks and raised eyebrows.

  My heart lurched and my stomach dropped. Crap on a cracker! He must have told them about my time in prison despite his promise not to. That would explain the odd comments and worried expression when he called my name and seemed to want to get me out of the house, away from them. A cold feeling settled in my stomach. After all this time I'd finally given my trust to someone and within days, I'd been betrayed. Taking a deep breath for control, I managed to thank Mrs. Andrews for the delicious dinner and turned and walked out of the house.

  Holt's truck was unlocked. When he came out minutes later and climbed in, I moved as close to the door as possible. I hated I was so dependent on him. I had nowhere else to go and no way to get there if I did. I was completely at his mercy.

  He turned over the ignition and backed out of the driveway. "I'm sorry I rushed you out of there. You seemed to enjoy yourself today." I saw his apologetic glance reflected in the window.

  I shrugged my shoulders and continued to stare at the scenery as it blurred by, sitting so close to the door my breath fogged a small spot on the glass.

  "Are you okay? Were the kids too rough on you?"

  Silence.

  "Is there a reason I'm getting the silent treatment?"

  More silence. Real mature, Maddy. But I didn't care.

  We were miles down the road and almost home when he finally spoke. “Look. I know we need to talk, but you got all closed mouthed last night. I tried again today, but we kept getting interrupted, and then some things came up with my family. I hate this awkwardness between us."

  Was he trying to blame me?! Whirling to face him, I snapped, "Oh, things definitely got awkward." I used my fingers as quotes around the last word. "Everyone was so nice to me in the morning, and by this afternoon, they either avoided me or gave me weird looks. I can only think of one reason why it changed."

  His brow furrowed as he glanced sideways at me. "What do you mean?"

  “You must have told them about the time I spent in prison. Carol couldn't wait to get her kids away from me after we came inside."

  Holt turned into his parking lot and blew out a long breath. "Is that what you think? That I told them about your past? After I promised you I wouldn't?"

  "What the hell else could have been going on back there? Why was everyone treating me differently?"

  This time, it was Holt who chose to remain silent. He parked the truck and turned off the engine. "It's complicated," he finally grunted.

  "Then uncomplicate it for me, Holt," I responded tersely. "Ever since last night, I’m so confused. I don’t understand why you kissed me, made me feel…things, and then just shut down on me. I want to believe you kept your promise, but something was definitely different from the time I went outside to the time I came back in, just like something is different between us since last night, and I think I deserve to know why.”

  "You deserve to know? That's rich coming from you, Madelyn." His voice was steeped in sarcasm and anger as he swiveled to face me. "Maybe I deserved to know answers about your prison record when I welcomed you into my home, introduced you to my family, but I trusted you and gave you time until you were ready to share it with me. And even then it took something catastrophic to get you to open up to me. Now you want me just to spill my guts to you the first time you ask?"

  “I…I…” My fingers curled into fists in my lap to keep from pulling on my hair. “Oh, just never mind. I’ll find somewhere else to stay first thing tomorrow since staying with you is obviously an issue.” I flung the door open and slammed it shut, ignoring him calling my name as I stomped into the building. I didn’t bother to hold the elevator for him, but by the time I’d found the key he’d given me in one of the million pockets of my borrowed purse, I heard his feet pounding up the stairwell. Hurriedly, I shoved the key into the lock, hoping to get in and reach the safety of my room.

  I wasn’t fast enough. The lock had just turned when he reached the door and forcefully pushed it open, causing me almost to fall into the entranceway.

  We were only a few steps inside the door when Holt spun me around, causing me to take a step backward to avoid getting my toes stepped on. He followed me. I don’t think I’d ever seen his eyes glitter quite so darkly. I retreated until my back was against the door and still he took another step toward me. My heart pounded frantically, and I almost forgot to breathe as his body brushed against mine.

  “God, woman, you drive me crazy,’ he rasped, his breathing fast and ragged, but whether from running up the stairs or the intensity of his feelings, I wasn’t sure. He ran his hands through his hair then settled them against the door on either side of my head. “Tell me, what is this magic spell you’ve cast over my family and me?” he whispered hoarsely.

  “Wh…what?”

  “I don’t want you to leave,” he barked. “My brother was right - you’re a sorceress who’s bewitched everyone in my family. My mother practically wants to adopt you. My brother and his wife think you’re a baby whisperer. My sister asked for your phone number so she can invite you to lunch. Hell, even my dog drools all over you, licking you everywhere and practically ignoring me, which he never does.”

  He leaned closer effectively trapping me. Usually being in such close quarters triggered a panic attack, but oddly enough with Holt, I wasn’t scared. I felt lured to him as if he was a powerful magnet, and I was tired of resisting it. In fact, I felt unusually bold.

  “And what about you?” I challenged. Teased. Tempted.

  “Me?” he whispered. “Hell, yeah. I want to lick you all over, too.”

  I wasn’t experienced enough to know what his mouth would feel like against my skin, but it didn’t stop my body from suddenly craving it. His confession was enough to send shivers throughout my entire body. I recognized a hunger in his eyes that made me feel like I could be his next meal, and I was ready to offer myself up on a plate for his pleasure. And mine.

  My breath hitched as his head moved toward mine. My lips parted of their own accord in anticipation of meeting his once again. He was a breath away, but he bypassed my mouth. His nose skimmed my jaw line until it reached my ear. “Would you like that, Maddy? Would you like my mouth and tongue on your body?” His breath warmed my skin with his raspy words but covered my body with goose bumps.

  My knees started to buckle as his tongue found the skin at the curve of my neck.

  “I didn’t want this, Maddy.” His words tickled my skin, but there was nothing funny about them. Rather, they caused a ripple of desire to flood throughout me before pooling between my thighs. “I thought I shouldn’t want this. I’ve tried to fight it, but your magic is too powerful for me.”

  “I don’t have any magic,” I gasped as his lips continued to skim the neckline of my shirt, which was cut low enough they brushed the swell of my breasts causing me to breathe harder, which only served to push them against his mouth.

  “No?” he breathed and finally lifted his head. The warm glow of desire in his eyes almost made me forget to breathe. “Then what is it? Because somehow you’ve gotten under my skin, and I can’t ignore it anymore. I’ve desired other women, but you…I don’t just want you. I crave you. I need you.”

  I was held captive by his gaze; entranced by his words. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect, but it wasn’t the slow, gentle, almost torturously seductive motion he made. The back of his fingers caressed my cheek as he slowly lowered his head to mine. He rubbed his nose
against mine, up one side and down the other. I could feel the warmth of his breath as my eyes fluttered closed, our lips so close but not quite touching; mine parted slightly in anticipation, only to have him graze over them like a whispered promise.

  I shivered under his touch, both nervous and needy of this shift between us. Holt’s hands sifted into my hair while his thumbs slid under my jaw, tilting my head further up while he placed tiny kisses on either side of my mouth as he held it in place.

  “Holt.” I exhaled his name on a sigh running my hands up his neck and into his hair, pulling on his head with a wantonness I didn’t know I was capable of. But that was what Holten Andrews did to me; he brought out a confidence that had long been suffocated and allowed me to breathe.

  At my touch, he groaned, finally allowing his lips to find mine, and like a match to kerosene, it ignited an explosion. Hands and mouths devoured and touched anywhere they could reach. His hands left my hair only to wrap around my waist and pull me tight against him, while his mouth forged a path of kisses along the side of my neck and to the hollow of my throat. I could feel his erection press against my stomach.

  Somewhere down the hall, a door slammed, startling me back to the present.

  “Holt,” I gasped. “What…what are we doing?”

  “It’s called kissing,” he teased. I could feel his lips turn upward in a smile against my throat. “And if you had to ask, we should practice more.”

  His mouth found the pulse in my throat and he sucked gently, and I swear if he hadn’t been holding me, I wasn’t sure I could have remained standing. I tugged on his hair. “Holt, stop.”

  Bemused brown eyes peered at me.

  “You know that’s not what I meant.” I smacked his chest lightly with one hand, both as a scolding gesture and to keep some space between us. I joined my first hand with the second one to help maintain the distance, but instead, I was even more aware of the strength and power as his muscles flexed beneath my fingers. I was having a hard time focusing with his hips thrusting lightly against me.