Shadow (Bridge & Sword: Awakenings #4): Bridge & Sword World

by JC Andrijeski

  I felt my cheeks grow hot.

  I guess I didn’t really expect them to spare my feelings around the fact that they’d all be watching, but I still felt my anger sharpen, mixed with a kind of bitter embarrassment.

  It also brought to mind the last time Revik and I had been together in front of other people. That whole thing had been very un-Revik-like, as well, at least in terms of the man I’d known before all this. It was exhibitionist and possessive and almost a test in a way, as if he’d been worried I’d want the others if he opened that door.

  But he hadn’t been trying to humiliate me, or to hurt me. He’d been loving and half out of his head with desire, and by the end he’d been so soft, it was almost––

  “You let it happen, Allie!” Balidor burst out. “You walked right into it!”

  “Yeah,” I said tiredly, not looking at him. “I guess I did. What else do you want me to say?”

  “Why, Al?” Jon spoke up from the door.

  I turned, meeting his gaze.

  He’d said a lot less than the other man, but he looked greener than most of the seers when I first walked out of the tank. He still looked upset. Almost like a pain lived somewhere in his abdomen, and he couldn’t quite push it down.

  Even so, his voice was calm, and it was a real question.

  Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair.

  “I know you won’t understand this,” I said. “But I needed to.”

  “You needed to?” Balidor snapped. “For what possible reason?”

  Glancing at him, I realized he’d been listening as intently as Jon for my answer. Hurt blazed at me from his eyes, but beyond that I saw fury. A kind of helpless, undirected fury that seemed to leak out the edges of his light.

  “I needed him to let me in,” I said patiently. “Sex is as good of a way as any. It’s better than most, actually.”

  “That was sex, now?” Balidor said.

  “It was close enough,” I said, giving him a warning look. “And it worked, okay? Believe me, it could have been worse. For a minute there, I really thought he was just going to beat the shit out of me. That might have worked, too, but I have my doubts.”

  “So you’re going back in there,” Jon said neutrally. “Today, I mean.”

  Sighing, I looked up at him, vaguely pleading him with my eyes.

  “Yes, Jon. I am.”

  “Absolutely not!” Balidor said angrily. “Not after that! You cannot simply go back in there, as if he didn’t just do that thing to you!”

  Turning to Balidor, I held his gaze as calmly as I could.

  “‘Dori, everything I did in there will be completely wasted if I don’t. I don’t know how long the connection will last.” Looking away from his expression, I clicked to myself again, tugging ruefully at the torn green shirt I still wore. “I only came out of there to clean myself up. I’m going back in within the next two hours.”

  There was another silence, this one fuller.

  In it, I could feel the two of them looking at one another, silently communicating with their eyes. I didn’t bother to try and decipher what their collective verdict was of what I’d said. Looking up when I felt it finish passing between them, I motioned towards the door.

  “A little privacy, please?” Pausing, I added politely, “If you don’t mind.”

  Jon only hesitated for an instant. Nodding, he took his weight off the door, and rested his fingers on the long handle. Pausing as he opened it, he glanced at Balidor.

  “‘Dori?” he said. “You coming?”

  His voice held the faintest trace of warning.

  The Adhipan leader looked at me a moment longer, his gray eyes hard.

  “If he rapes you again, Allie––”

  “He won’t,” I said, my voice warning. “He won’t get the chance. Not for a good long while, anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

  “I’ll beat him until he can’t walk,” Balidor said, his voice thick. “Whether you authorize it or not. I’ve half a mind to do it anyway, as soon as you’ve finished with him today. Or maybe I should just let one of the Wvercians have at him… see how he likes being raped.”

  I lifted an eyebrow, but otherwise didn’t let my reaction reach my face.

  “‘Dori,” I said quietly. “It wouldn’t help.”

  “It would help me.”

  “Well, it’s childish,” I said. “And anyway, it’s probably what he wants.”

  For a long moment, the Adhipan leader only looked at me. Then, his eyes still holding that roiling anger, he bowed to me curtly and turned, leaving out the door in front of Jon.

  Before he followed, Jon gave me a weak smile.

  “Hope you know what you’re doing, sis,” he said.

  I met his gaze. For the first time, I fought a tightening of my throat that swiftly wanted to turn into something else.

  But I wasn’t going to let Jon see me break down, either. It wouldn’t help anything. In fact, it would only confirm to him and the others that I needed to stop this, or move slower, whatever. It was hard enough to keep my composure in front of Revik afterwards, but I’d managed it.

  Remembering his words as I walked out, I shook my head, frowning at the floor.

  “Allie.”

  I looked up. I’d almost forgotten Jon was there.

  “Allie,” he said. “Just be careful, okay?”

  I gave a humorless laugh. “Believe it or not, I’m trying to be careful, Jon. I don’t actually want to die, despite what everyone here seems to think.”

  “I don’t just mean with Revik.”

  My mouth pursed as my gaze sharpened on his. “Then what?”

  “You were there, too, is all.” Hesitating, he studied my eyes. “I know you think you had to do what you did, going after him… after the Sword, I mean. But it scares me a little, that you were able to do that, Allie.”

  “That I was able to do what?” I said, my voice warier still.

  “What Revik said. He’s right, in a way. I totally get why you did it, I mean that. But… you know.” He swallowed, gesturing at me a little lamely. “You really yanked him around. You pretended to be his wife, Al. You made friends with of all of his people. More than that, you pretended to be his partner.”

  Hesitating, he continued to gauge my eyes. “I honestly think that means as much to him as the marriage. Maybe more in some ways. He’s always had to do all of this stuff alone. The idea of the two of you, working together––that was huge for him, Al. Then he finds out it was all a lie, that you were infiltrating him that whole time…”

  Seeing something in my face, Jon left off.

  Clearing his throat, he averted his gaze, shrugging.

  “I just mean… he trusted you. You probably really hurt him, breaking his trust like that. Maybe more than you realize.”

  I felt my jaw harden.

  I couldn’t think of a good reply, though.

  The same thoughts had gone through my head, more than once, even before I knew what Voi Pai had done. I knew what I’d done was beyond the pale on some level. But I also knew I’d probably do it again.

  “So you think it was wrong, what I did?” I said.

  “I didn’t say that.” Jon’s voice held a thread of frustration. “I’m just saying… be careful. You and Revik, you share light. I guess I’m just wondering if maybe the Dreng are affecting you, too. Maybe more than you realize. You used to care about means, Al. Not just ends. You didn’t have such an ‘anything goes’ approach to the people you love.”

  I looked up, meeting his serious gaze. After throwing around things I could have said in response, I finally just sighed, running my fingers through my hair.

  “I know,” I said.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.” I looked at him. “I’ve known for awhile. I felt it. Even in D.C.”

  The surprise in his eyes turned to bewilderment.

  “Have you told anyone?” he said.

  Giving a short laugh, I threw up my hands. “Because I nee
d more people telling me I should kill him. Deciding both of us need to die. Deciding we’re both just agents of the Dreng.”

  Jon flinched, but I saw him nod a moment later, as if thinking.

  “Yeah,” he said finally.

  “I’ll be careful, Jon,” I said. “Right now, that’s about all I can promise. Getting Revik well is the only thing that’s going to help either of us.” Sighing, I combed my hair out of my eyes, motioning vaguely with a hand. “As for the other stuff, the stuff I did to him…”

  I hesitated, gazing at the wall of my room without seeing it.

  “…I’m trying to fix it. Some of it, anyway. The stuff I can fix.”

  “Allie, I know you are.” His voice sounded apologetic, borderline pained. “I know you’re trying. This isn’t a lecture. I’m not trying to give you grief, I swear. I’m worried about you. Even what you did in there, today. On one level, he abused you. On another, you totally manipulated him. I’m not sure which thing bothers me more, honestly.”

  “Do the others know?” I heard the sharpness in my voice.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Obviously Vash and Tarsi know something, but I suspect that’s not who you mean. Balidor knew what you did today. It’s the reason he’s so pissed, I think. He’s scared you’re going dark, Al. Or, I think he is.” Reddening a little, he motioned with his mutilated hand. “He’s probably not the only one. You’ve gotten so, I don’t know––”

  “Yeah,” I said, not really wanting him to finish that sentence. “I get it.”

  There was a silence where Jon just looked at me.

  When he spoke next, his voice sounded apologetic.

  “So maybe tone it down a little,” he said. “At least around Balidor. The guy’s paranoid enough. Especially about you and Revik.” His voice turned joking, but there wasn’t much real humor in it. “You don’t want him shooting you again, Allie. Not for real.”

  Giving him a half-smile, I nodded, still staring at the floor.

  After another pause that went longer than it should have, I met his gaze.

  “I’ll be more careful around the others,” I said. “I promise I will, Jon. And I appreciate the head’s up. But I really need to be alone right now. I need to, you know… regroup.” Swallowing, I motioned with a hand towards the bathroom. “Take a shower.”

  His eyes flickered down my body, seemingly against his will.

  Feeling me watch him look, he flushed.

  “Yeah,” he said. “Okay. Sure.” He stepped through the door, and started to close it behind him, when he hesitated again, his voice low.

  “Are you sure you’re okay, Al?” he said.

  I nodded, forcing myself to smile. “I’ll be all right, Jon. When all this is done, everything will be fine. No more scary Dreng sister. Promise.”

  He nodded, smiling back wanly, but his eyes remained unconvinced.

  Still, he shut the door, which at that point was all I really wanted.

  Once he had, every muscle in my body abruptly unclenched.

  I rested my forehead in my hands, letting myself just breathe for a moment, to try and think past everything Balidor had said, and Jon, and everything that had happened in the tank less than an hour earlier. Once I’d pushed past the details of all those things, I found one thought kept wanting to repeat in my head, like some kind of mantra.

  I didn’t have much time.

  I don’t know how I knew it, but I did.

  I couldn’t afford to wait a single day.

  I had to get through this, or neither one of us would survive it. I’d kill us both if I had to, to keep us from the Dreng, but it wasn’t a thought that exactly filled me with joy.

  So I only nodded to myself, wiping my cheek absently with one hand.

  “Never fire and back to earth,” I muttered, glancing up the curved stone walls. “…Some days I submit, some I won’t.”

  For a long moment, I only sat there, staring at the bathroom door.

  15

  SECOND TIME

  JUST LIKE THE first time, I didn’t look at him as I walked in.

  Just like the first time, I felt him watching me, his eyes following my movements minutely as I crossed the floor of the green-walled tank.

  He didn’t talk.

  I wasn’t sure if his silence was because he’d decided to try something different with me, or if he was surprised I’d come back at all, especially so soon. In any case, the quiet only lasted until I’d arranged myself once more on the blanket and prayer mat pallet.

  “Hungry again, pet?” he said.

  Not looking up, I flattened the blanket around my feet.

  “You’re walking a little stiffly there, love,” he said. “I didn’t break anything, did I?”

  Moving the longer cushion closer, I sat on it with my butt, crossing my legs on the mat. Reaching into the bag next to me, I pulled out a water bottle and took a long drink.

  I heard his smile, the harder note woven underneath.

  “You’re not mad at me, are you, wife? You used to like it rough.”

  He waited. I felt his eyes on my face, watching me.

  “Next time I’m going to make you talk to me,” he said, softer. “…Make sure I’m getting it right. I have to admit, it drives me crazy when you do that. I’m getting a little turned on just thinking about it.”

  My mind pretty much just blocked out his words as I tried to focus on how to start this next part. It occurred to me, as I did, that I hadn’t done anything remotely like this in months. Years, maybe––not since I’d been on the ship with Revik, hunting for the man I’d thought responsible for killing my mother. I’d done jumps with other seers since then, but never alone.

  Vash and I discussed a strategy for this first jump, of course.

  He’d told me a lot, actually, answering any question I had, at least those he could.

  He told me everything he knew about Revik’s past. He even gave me a fair bit of detail about the first and second splits they’d made in his light. He hadn’t known as much about the specifics of Revik’s time with Menlim. He hadn’t known anything more than me, really, other than a few bits and pieces they’d pulled out of the scans they’d done following his capture.

  Despite how detailed those scans were, they didn’t unearth much about his earliest years. Vash assumed those memories were buried deeper, and likely protected via mechanisms in Revik’s own mind.

  We talked the most about the splitting process itself.

  I found myself replaying parts of that conversation in my head.

  …It was very crude, that first split we did of your mate, Alyson.

  Vash’s thoughts had been somber. He’d looked at me with his dark eyes, leaning his back against the base of a Barrier-made tree trunk.

  For most of those talks, we sat in a very real-looking construct that seemed to replicate some locale in the high plains of Asia. Wherever it was, a real place or a composite of several places, it felt almost familiar. Tall grasses waved across a bowl-like valley, dotted with trees and resting below a pale sun in a high, deep dome of sky.

  Our physical bodies had been miles away from one another at the time. He’d been transporting Revik here, and I’d been doing my best to distract the Rebels.

  Vash’s light grew somber, almost sad.

  Drawing in the air with his fingers, he showed me a faint outline of an aleimic body I recognized as Revik’s. I stared at those structures just like I had the first time I’d seen them, reminded of just how complex they were, how damaged and yet how beautiful.

  He’s really got all of those again? I sent, awe touching my voice.

  Yes. Vash’s expression didn’t move. You saw him use some of them in Brazil.

  I waved off my own comment. I know. I just… it’s still kind of unbelievable. I remember seeing them on the boy. Even in Brazil, it kind of blew my mind.

  Your light could look the same one day, Alyson, Vash sent, smiling at me. Your mate has already structured it quite a lot. Perhaps
more than you realize.

  I made a dismissive gesture to that, too.

  So you were saying? I prompted. About the split.

  Yes. The old seer’s smile faded. It was quite crude, as I said. Most of this was lack of knowledge on our part. Perhaps too much haste, as well, in that we were concerned with how long we would be able to hold him captive. This was before collars were anywhere near as common or effective as they are now, Alyson.

  So? I stared at the model of Revik’s aleimic body. How did you do it?

  Vash clicked a little.

  I am sorry to say we did the Barrier equivalent of taking a hacksaw to him, Alyson. We essentially cut out every structure we could find that he used in performing the telekinesis. In effect, that also removed any memories associated with those structures. But a wide gap remained, in terms of his memory and his actual abilities.

  Sighing another set of low clicks, he explained apologetically,

  It was the first time I had ever been involved in an operation of that kind, and there were concerns it would kill him. We tried to be… restrained. And yet, we likely took far too much of him and far too little, if you get my meaning.

  I watched Vash replicate the process on the model that hung in the air between us under the shade of the Barrier tree. A thin line of bright gold light formed an incision towards the lower part of his aleimic structures.

  I watched as that incision widened, systematically selecting and removing pieces of a number of the rotating geometries that spiraled above his head.

  The second time, we tried to be more precise, he added, showing me the areas of Revik’s light that were honed under his time with Galaith and the Pyramid, working for the Rooks.

  Vash pointed at some of the darker structures.

  You see, here? he sent gently. These broken parts of his light… the missing parts. Most of these were put there by Menlim, too.

  I found myself following his train of thought.

  So he was vulnerable to them, I sent. Before he got to Germany, and worked for Galaith. He already had the resonance in his light.

  Quite a bit of it, yes, Vash admitted. Far more than we should have left there. If we’d known more about what we were doing, we would not have made that mistake.