Shadow (Bridge & Sword: Awakenings #4): Bridge & Sword World

by JC Andrijeski

  I have no idea if you understand or even care at this point why I felt it needed to be done, taking you out of there, but I want you to know that I never intended to impede your free will permanently. I wanted to give you the chance to view the Dreng and Salinse in a more objective light, without the strain of needing them because of what Menlim did to you when you were a kid.

  What you choose to do with that information is completely up to you.

  I have no intention of going after you again, or sending anyone to stop you if you decide to pick up where you left off with Salinse or whoever else. It’s not sentimentality on my part, or guilt. The thing is, I know you can do a lot of good in that role, Revik. It was never the what so much as the how, although maybe I didn’t fully understand that myself until the end.

  I’ve never questioned your motives though, Revik. I really haven't. I knew what you were fighting for. I’m just not sure the Dreng will actually help you attain the ends you want. I know you understand this, better than I ever will, but I’m realizing that sometimes it’s better to fight and lose, than it is to win for the wrong side. But that’s something I’ve always respected about you, that you fight for things, even if I don’t always agree with how you do it, or for whom.

  There’s a part of me that hoped we would come out of this on the same side again, that we’d see the important things the same, or close enough to work together. The truth is, I really liked working with you, Revik. You’re a great leader, and a compassionate one.

  Despite what I said before, I know that wasn’t all the Dreng. It’s who you are. You inspire people. You understand them, too.

  You don’t know how tempting it was to just stay there. To just forget everything else and be your wife there forever. But it would have been the worst thing I could have done to you, to join you in that lie. It would have meant compromising on our marriage, on who you really are. The sex was fantastic, Revik, it always was with you––but even you might see someday that it was a little empty when we were with the Dreng, compared to how it was when it was just us.

  I think you felt it, too. If you hadn’t, I don’t know if you would have tried so hard to tie me to you in other ways.

  But I’m also realizing more and more, even without the Dreng, I’m just not a part of your world. Everything I’ve witnessed about seers’ day-to-day lives, I’ve done as an outsider, as a newcomer in whatever way, maybe even a tourist. I’ll never know what it was like, growing up the way you did. I think maybe the gap there, between us, is just too big to make a marriage work. I think it’s also too big for me to make a very effective leader of our people.

  I’m tired of pretending, too, Revik, about a lot of things.

  His jaw tightened as he re-read the last line. He found himself staring at it for a few seconds more before his eyes slid down the page.

  As much as I’d hoped we might come out of this intact, I really did always know that this was just as likely. I certainly knew nothing would ever be the same with us again, no matter whether you came to forgive me for what I did, or understand it, or not.

  So believe me when I tell you, I don’t blame you for anything. I’m not bitter things turned out this way. I also don’t feel as though either of us didn’t try.

  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. It does hurt. It hurts a lot.

  I never cared that you were the Sword. I didn’t grow up in the mythology, so I honestly don’t give a damn about any of that. But I lost a husband in this, and I love you, Revik, more than I can tell you. I loved you before I knew you were Syrimne and I loved you after, even when I was trying to reach you through the Dreng and whatever else.

  I still love you, despite everything we’ve done to one another, so much so I couldn’t make myself give you this note in person. I know it’s cowardice, but I couldn’t handle seeing you again, knowing it was goodbye.

  He felt his jaw harden again, even as he stopped. His fingers tightened on the page, but he continued to read.

  Tell Wreg I’m sorry. About Nikka, and about shooting him, and everything else.

  I don’t know how to close this, other than to say, I really do hope your life turns out the way you want. You deserve something real with someone, something that isn’t just about sex or mythology or whatever else. You deserve to be happy after everything you’ve been through. I know you think I judge you for all of that, too, but I really don’t.

  You may not believe this, but if anything, it makes me respect you more. Through all of it, no matter how bad things got, it seemed to me that you at least tried to do what was right. At the very least, you tried to do what was less wrong.

  And despite what I’ve said above, if you ever really do need me for something, I’m here, Revik. That goes for your people, too.

  Allie.

  He stared at the signature.

  For a long moment, he couldn’t think at all.

  Then he forced his eyes to move, then his fingers. He flipped back to the first page, reading the whole thing again, this time poring over every word, even the details in the logistics he’d skimmed before. He read every word, twice, then he leaned his head against the wall.

  For a long moment, he only sat there, staring at the overhead light.

  Then he turned his head.

  Focusing on the wall, he spoke loud, nearly shouting into the microphone.

  “I want to talk to Vash!” he said.

  When no one answered, he pounded his hand on the floor, raising his voice.

  “Do you hear me, Jon? Dorje? Whoever the fuck is out there… get me Vash, now!”

  46

  CITY OF SNOW

  “HOLD UP YOUR arms, Esteemed Bridge,” the seer said politely, gesturing towards my body.

  Sighing, I did as he said, opening my jacket and turning around slowly. He felt me over for weapons, not invasively, but unnecessarily. Their organics would have picked up anything I’d been carrying, even if I’d whittled a gun out of wood.

  I’d decided before arriving that I’d jump through whatever hoops Voi Pai threw at me without complaint. I knew she intended to see me eventually. Things would probably go a lot faster if I just refused to react.

  At least three hours had passed since I’d first entered through Tian’anmen Gate.

  “This way, Esteemed Bridge,” the seer murmured, keeping his eyes below mine.

  I followed, only sparing a glance up the high walls of Meridian as we approached one of the arched entrances.

  Snow covered the fields outside the gate, powdering the branches and twigs of the wet-limbed trees. Lanterns hung from poles lining the long path between the trees leading to the U-shaped walls of the Inner City. It was cold, but they had given me a furred cloak, and now more torches and lanterns followed our procession inside.

  As we passed through the gate, and the five bridges crossing the canals grew visible, I felt a pang of… something… when I saw how bare the City looked, compared to how I remembered it before.

  “Is she amenable to seeing me on this night?” I asked my guide. “Or should I expect we will wait for morning now?”

  The seer looked up at me. He walked beside me in full ceremonial robes, but a version made of thicker layers and fabrics than I remembered. His eyes shone at me in the lamplight, a pale blue the color of glacial ice.

  “Mistress Voi Pai would very much like to see you now, Esteemed Bridge,” he said cordially. “She apologizes profusely for the delay. A military matter arose unexpectedly, and she was forced to secure the grounds prior to accepting your audience.” He gestured respectfully, still bent at that odd angle as he walked, to keep his eyes below mine. “The security measures invoked upon your entrance are a part of that protocol, Esteemed One. It seemed too much of a coincidence, with your arrival. We did not wish to take chances.”

  I gave him a sharper, more appraising look.

  It felt like he was telling the truth. Of course, that only really meant he believed it.

  “Thank you for your ex
planation, brother,” I murmured. “I confess, I worried my person may have fallen out of favor with your most honorable mistress.”

  He smiled. Again, the smile appeared genuine. “Not at all, Holy One.”

  I smiled back, bowing to his words and giving the countersign with my hand. Some of my honorifics I found easier to stomach that others. He’d just voiced probably my least favorite of the bunch, but I was pretty used to it now.

  “You have been here before,” he said, a moment later.

  I nodded. Then, realizing he might not understand the human gesture, given where he lived, I gestured yes in seer.

  “I have had this honor before,” I said in Prexci.

  “You were collared then,” he said.

  I turned my head, but only saw puzzlement in his eyes, what seemed like genuine curiosity. I realized I liked this seer with the blue eyes. I couldn’t have said why, exactly.

  “I was,” I said. “It is a complicated story, my brother.”

  “I assumed it must be so.”

  “What is your name, if I may ask? Have we met here before, brother?”

  He gestured in negative, smiling. “No, Esteemed One, but everyone who lives in the City was aware of your visit. We watched you walk the grounds. Every day you walked, often for a very long time. Sometimes into the night, you walked.”

  He paused, smiling wider.

  “…and my name is Ulai, Esteemed One.”

  I smiled back at him, acknowledging his words with a wave of my hand. “Please call me Alyson. Or Allie.”

  “Yes, Est…” He laughed, correcting himself. “Allie. And thank you for that honor.”

  “And you are remembering right, brother Ulai,” I said, glancing around as we entered the tree-filled lane along the first of the winding canals. The trees looked rather huddled and afraid without their leaves and blossoms, and with the dark black sky above, but the snow made everything beautiful in a different way.

  “I did walk,” I said. “Every chance I could get. I had spent much time indoors prior to that, mostly in caves, and had no intention of wasting my time in the City by neglecting to witness every one of its charms. Particularly given how much I was cheated by the collar already.”

  “And it was spring… err… Allie.”

  “Yes. It was spring.” I sighed, smiling at him. “It is a kind of paradise here, in the spring, in my mind. All of the trees were blooming. All of the birds were nesting. I remember the tiger cubs in the back pens with particular fondness.”

  He was taxing my limited knowledge of formal Prexci, but he didn’t seem to notice, or mind. I was trying to decide what else to say, when he spoke up again.

  “And the screens by the queen’s entrance to the Royal Gardens?” he said. “Do you remember those, Esteemed… Alyson?”

  I thought for a moment. “The dragons? Green and blue, with peacocks. And an image of the intermediaries of Wisdom and Folly?”

  His smile turned almost childishly pleased. “Yes,” he said. “Exactly right, Esteemed One.” At my smile, he added, “…Allie. Those are mine, if you’ll permit me to boast.”

  “You made those?” I didn’t keep the wonder from my voice. “It is very, very beautiful work, brother. I am deeply impressed.”

  He smiled wider at that, beaming at me.

  I found myself remembering that from last time, how proud the Lao Hu were of their City. That pride was justified, from what I’d been able to tell. From the numerous works of art to the cleanly ordered beauty of the daily rituals along the lit pathways and sun-filled gardens, the City felt more like a lost, ancient world than a part of modern Beijing.

  Now that I could feel the City’s light, and its construct, a silence hung over the grounds that spoke of a profound concentration and stillness. Yet, I felt it as happy, too. I’d seen my first seer children here, in the flesh at least. I’d watched them run and chase one another through the outdoor markets, screaming with laughter.

  The abuse, beatings, collars, slavery and degradation of seers at the hands of humans that I witnessed in the States––and even in India, despite its large seer population––didn’t seem to exist in the world of the Lao Hu at all, much less in their City.

  Moreover, they were strong enough to repel any attack, whether by human or seer.

  Revik had been the only one to come close to challenging the strength of the Lao Hu, and compared to the Chinese infiltrators, his camp consisted largely of half-trained, undisciplined misfits looking for a fight.

  Of course, that fighting force had been in its infancy. Even in the time I spent with them, I saw that beginning to change. Revik had been grooming and training them as soldiers. He’d been looking to grow their numbers, too, both through freeing ex-infiltrators from the slave camps, and by recruiting from among the ranks of free seers.

  Thinking about this, it struck me again how naïve I’d been.

  I should have realized Voi Pai would view Revik and his army as a threat.

  Maybe she was even right, to see the danger there.

  In any case, I should have realized she’d take the opportunity to wipe her rivals out before they were “grown up” enough to come anywhere near her beloved City. Honestly, looking at it from her perspective, I could even admit a kind of grudging respect for it, purely as a strategic move. Ethically, it wasn’t cool, but Voi Pai struck me as one who would go to any lengths to protect what was hers, ethics be damned.

  It also convinced me, if nothing else did, that I wasn’t ready to lead.

  My companion pulled me once more from my thoughts.

  “Is the Esteemed Bridge hungry?” Ulai asked politely.

  I glanced at him. I considered a polite lie, then smiled. “Starving,” I said, using the more common version of Prexci. “Is there any chance you have a pizza waiting for me in there, brother Ulai?”

  He laughed, delighted by my informality. “That is human food? American, yes?”

  I rolled my eyes, grinning a little. “Yes, brother. Cardboard and ash to most of you, I know. But due to my low-brow upbringing, I can’t help but crave their cardboard now and again. Especially when I’m truly hungry.”

  He laughed again.

  “We can find you much more agreeable food, Esteemed One. I have our chefs working on something now I hope you will like. Although perhaps it will not be quite what you have imagined with your American-style pizza––”

  I found myself remembering my favorite pizza joint in San Francisco wistfully. I didn’t realize he’d felt the memory until he gestured in appreciation.

  “That helps, Esteemed One.” He smiled again, embarrassed. “…Allie. It helps a great deal. Our cook expresses his appreciation for the imprint.”

  I had to chuckle, clasping my hands behind my back as I walked. “I will be very interested to see what he comes up with, my brother.”

  “As will I,” he affirmed sincerely.

  “You will have to taste it with me,” I teased him. “Ensure it passes muster.”

  His eyes grew serious. “I will taste it anyway, Esteemed Bridge. To ensure it is safe to eat before risking your person.” His eyes grew troubled. “Particularly in these dangerous times, when you are being unfairly marked by militants and fanatics.”

  I smiled warmly. “…Allie,” I reminded him.

  “Allie. Yes, of course, Esteemed One.”

  I raised an eyebrow, and both of us laughed.

  I realized I missed this, just talking to other seers.

  Or maybe I just missed talking to anyone who wasn’t yelling at me, or trying to force me to make decisions that meant other people’s lives. I’d forgotten that all of the seers in the world didn’t view me as the devil, even if most of those in the West currently did.

  “You are safe here, Esteemed Sister Allie,” Ulai said, seeming to find a compromise with my name and title he felt comfortable with.

  He said it with a vehemence I found touching.

  “Thank you, brother,” I replied, tipping my hand
respectfully. “That is a reassurance I very much appreciate at the moment.”

  We were passing the third set of gates inside Meridian.

  I had lost my previous land markers to some extent, but I was fairly certain we had just entered what had been the residential area of the Imperial family, back in the days when the City was occupied by humans. I recognized some of the building fronts, and although the gardens were bare of most plants, the rock formations I remembered remained, along with several pieces of art that withstood the weather well enough to remain outdoors.

  One of these, a stone sculpture of a turtle with the world under one foot, I remembered.

  Sighing, I pulled the coat more tightly around my chest. I fought to keep my mind clear, but something about being here brought the previous year more sharply into relief. Remembering how I’d felt when I first saw Revik in that courtyard, waiting for me under the trees, I had to fight back a low surge of pain.

  Pushing the memory from my light, I glanced at Ulai.

  I was going to try and engage him in conversation again, anything to get my mind off Revik, when Ulai smiled, gesturing towards a building to our left. As we reached an opening in the white stone wall, I saw the building awash in yellow light.

  “Our mistress waits for you there, Esteemed Sister Allie,” Ulai said.

  Nodding, I took a breath, releasing it slowly.

  Then, firming my jaw, I stepped onto the stone path leading to the nearest sliding wooden door. I followed Ulai’s hand as he indicated up the stairs.

  In the entryway past that door stood a darkened throne and a collection of stone sculptures, including birds, fish, lions, elephants, even a dragon. Tall trees stood beside and behind the throne, reaching almost to the high ceiling, where wooden tiles had been cut and hand-painted in bright gold and red. Tapestries fell down the walls, along with tiered kites and lanterns.