Drowning Rose

by Marika Cobbold

  ‘That’s so kind of you. Actually I read part of the article at the hospital but I didn’t have time to finish it.’

  ‘That’s what happens when you’ve got friends in high places,’ Archie said, looking at Jacob Bauer. ‘The rest of us would have had time to read the whole newspaper. Speaking of which, I’m hoping to get hold of a copy of the book today or tomorrow.’

  ‘The autobiography? How? It isn’t out yet.’

  Archie touched the tip of his nose. ‘Old Archie’s got his contacts,’ he said. ‘Friend of mine’s in the second-hand book business.’

  ‘Do you know who they’re talking about? Jacob Bauer asked Annie.

  Annie shrugged. ‘No idea.’

  My head was beginning to hurt again and my foot was throbbing and I wanted to go and lie down but that would leave poor Archie with gossip interruptus and that would be unkind. ‘Do tell us more.’ I gave him an encouraging look.

  Archie sat down, his legs splayed, and a look about him as if he were settling down for the evening. ‘Most of his stock are review copies but this one was very hush hush, for obvious reasons.’ He winked at me.

  Out of the corners of my eyes I saw that Annie too was attempting, but failing, to wink. ‘Daddy, how do you do it?’

  Jacob Bauer winked.

  ‘Embargoed,’ Archie said. He tasted the word and seemed to like it. ‘Oh yes, embargoed,’ he repeated. He sat back in the chair and looked at me expectantly.

  ‘But Daddy, how do you do it?’

  The sun was pouring in through the south-west-facing window and the warmth, combined with the effect of the strong painkillers, was making me sleepy. I opened my eyes wide, imagining that each of my eyelids was being held up by a very small, very helpful imp. One had a green hat on and the other one’s was red. ‘Gosh. So how come he’s able to get hold of a copy?’

  ‘Ah,’ Archie sat back in the chair. ‘You may well ask. But you see he in turn has a contact who works in a warehouse. For books,’ he added.

  Jacob Bauer was fidgeting, tapping his finger on the table, twisting round to look out of the window and Annie, I realised, had left the room. With an uncharacteristic sensitivity to moods Archie seemed to realise that he was losing the attention of his audience.

  ‘Anyway, he’s getting it for me.’ Then he shook his head and said, as he had when he had first arrived, ‘Terrible story. Dreadful.’

  ‘Well, well,’ I said. I was about to nod off again but seeing the way Archie seemed to shrink before our indifference I gave myself a little wake-up shake and tried to look alert and interested, ‘So you really think it’s true? She actually killed someone?’

  Archie straightened up and he looked purposeful once more. ‘I fear so, Eliza. I very much fear so. And now it turns out that Cass Cassidy was not even her real name.’

  ‘That happens all the time with actors, though, doesn’t it,’ I said.

  ‘It’ll almost certainly turn out to be some kind of a stunt to help sales,’ Jacob Bauer said. ‘So I really wouldn’t worry one way or another.’

  Just then Annie returned. Walking up to me she hissed in my ear, ‘It’s finished, isn’t it, the jug?’ I felt a little shower of spittle hit my skin and some puffs of hot heavy breath and for some reason this made me smile. I whispered back. ‘Just need a final clean-up. You didn’t touch anything, did you?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  Jacob Bauer had grown alert once more. ‘What have you been doing, Annie? Have you gone somewhere you shouldn’t?’

  ‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘We’ve got a little project going, that’s all. Annie was just checking on its progress.’ I turned back to Archie. ‘I’m so sorry, we never got you that tea.’

  Before Archie could reply Jacob Bauer made a great show of looking at his watch and said, ‘And now it’s too late. Well, there we are.’

  Archie opened his mouth to speak when Jacob Bauer continued. ‘Eliza must rest. Doctor’s orders.’ He got to his feet and Archie followed, but reluctantly.

  ‘How’s Julie?’ I asked him, wanting to finish the visit on a bright note.

  He didn’t quite look me in the eyes when he replied. ‘Oh, she’s very well, thank you. Both of them are. Of course, they’re extremely busy. I was to have visited but . . .’ His voice trailed miserably.

  ‘Well, thank you again for bringing the paper,’ I said. ‘Just what I needed to cheer me up.’

  ‘Murder has that effect on some people,’ Jacob Bauer said as he opened the front door. I frowned at him. He really should stop tormenting poor old Archie.

  ‘That’s not what we meant and you know it,’ I said. Then I couldn’t help smiling because he was pulling funny faces behind Archie’s back. ‘I was of course referring to the thoughtfulness of the gesture of bringing me the paper,’ I said. ‘It’s what I love about the square, the neighbourliness.’

  Archie got back some of his swagger. ‘Community spirit doesn’t happen by itself, of course. We all have to do our bit.’

  Having managed finally to shoo Archie out of the door Jacob Bauer walked back with me into the kitchen to clear away the cups and to ask if I needed help with supper or getting upstairs or anything else. I assured him I was perfectly able to manage on my own and he looked relieved.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘This business has taken most of your day. I’m sure you had other things planned for your day off.’

  ‘Nothing at all,’ he said.

  Annie nodded. ‘I like it when things happen.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ I held her back for a moment as her father walked out into the hall. ‘I’ll bring the jug over as soon as I’ve done that last little bit.’

  ‘You’ll bring what over?’ Jacob Bauer asked.

  ‘He hears everything,’ Annie said.

  ‘And I heard that too,’ he said. ‘Now come on, Annie, we must get back.’

  We joined him in the hall. ‘Foot raised, continue with the ice and phone if there’s anything. Anything at all. I mean it.’

  The doorbell went again. This time the visitor was Sheila. I noticed that her cardigan was buttoned the wrong way. ‘There you are.’ she stepped inside and grabbed Annie, pressing her close. Annie squirmed and broke free.

  ‘Is there a problem, Sheila?’ Jacob Bauer asked. His voice was friendly enough but I detected irritation behind the even tones.

  ‘Well, thank God, you’re both all right. I had no idea anything was wrong until Mr Fuller told me just now. Someone could have phoned, you know.’

  ‘It’s your day off,’ Jacob Bauer said.

  Sheila’s flat cheeks coloured and she swept at her hair. ‘So I shouldn’t care, then, should I? That’s how it should be from now on? Oh, it’s my day off so I don’t care.’ She glared at me. ‘What were you thinking of? I mean, really? Anything could have happened.’

  Before I had a chance to reply Jacob Bauer turned to me and said, ‘I’m very sorry about this. I’ll explain to Sheila how this was not in any way your fault.’

  And they were gone, Annie being the last out of the door and giving me a thumbs-up sign as she left.

  I sat in the kitchen as dusk fell, watching as the lights came on in the windows of the houses around me. For a moment I felt happy, part of the world around me, rather than some undeserving hanger-on. Then I thought how stupid I was, how clumsy. Sheila had been right to be angry with me. Anything could have happened. Jacob Bauer could have driven straight into a lamp-post or into another car in his efforts to avoid the madwoman running to the rescue of someone not at all in distress. And if Annie had needed help, and if I had managed to save her rather than endanger her father, would that have wiped my slate clean? Of course not. Rose would still be dead. Rose was always still dead.

  The next morning I was woken by the phone. It was Katarina. She was calling to tell me that Uncle Ian had passed away in the night. ‘There was no pain, no trauma,’ she said. ‘In fact, I think he was talking to Rose.’

  Forty

  Sandra/Cassa
ndra

  It was like some cheesy film; moonshine and laughter and dancing. I had followed Rose and Eliza to the part of the lake where the shore became a tiny cove. If they really went into the water after the winter we’d just had, they’d be crazy.

  I hid behind a clump trees and watched. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know what I would do when the boys turned up. I just knew that I needed to be there. To put things right.

  ‘What about here?’ Rose called to Eliza, and she stepped into the old wooden rowing boat that lay stranded amongst the reeds. ‘Lady of Shalott.’

  ‘You’re a crap swimmer. If you drift off don’t expect me to jump in to save you.’

  ‘I’m not a crap swimmer.’ Rose disappeared inside the boat; next, her pale arm dropped over the side and her little hand gave a feeble wave. Then she laughed. Now her dress flew over the side like a big flappy white bird, landing on the low hanging branch of a birch tree. I felt like calling out to her not to be so careless. That dress must have cost a fortune. Now Rose’s head appeared. ‘Your turn, Eliza.’

  Eliza was standing not that far from where I was hiding. She was laughing so hard she was barely able to reach the zip at the back of her green dress.

  I felt like two people. One, the one I longed to be, wanted to laugh with them and be angry with no one. That me was all pink and soft inside. The other me, the one that made sure we stayed hidden behind the clump of trees, was mud-dark and foul like a smoker’s lung.

  ‘Look out,’ Rose threw her shoes over the side of the boat followed by her bra.

  Eliza stepped out of her dress, folding it and placing it on a flat stone. She took off her shoes and put them next to the dress. She had stopped laughing.

  Rose stood up in the boat and I almost cried out. All she had on was a tiny pair of pale blue lacy knickers and that garland of flowers in her dark hair. Her body was perfect. Her breasts were high and round with pink nipples. Her waist was tiny, her legs were long and shapely and her skin was pearlescent. My stomach churned. I knew I was about to lose everything. Once Julian saw her like that, he would never want me again.

  ‘Hurry up,’ she called. ‘They’ll be here soon.’

  Eliza still had her watch on as well as her knickers and bra. Her garland had fallen off when she took her dress off. She checked the time. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘I’m getting goose-pimples,’ Rose said. ‘That won’t be a good look. C’mon. Strip.’

  Eliza giggled as she slipped off her bra. She sounded nervous which was unlike her. I hadn’t had her down as a prude.

  By any standards but those of her friend, Eliza was beautiful, but because Rose was perfect Eliza’s flaws showed up more. Her breasts were too small and I’d never noticed before but she was a tiny bit knock-kneed. The nice me liked her better for the fact that she wasn’t perfect. The other me had to cover her mouth to stifle a giggle of pleasure because of it. Then she stepped into the moonlight and I hated her because she was still ten times lovelier than I’d ever be.

  Rose jumped out of the boat and they ran towards each other and took each other’s hands and danced round and round like demented fairies. When they got out of breath they flopped to the ground and lay there laughing. I closed my eyes and imagined running them over with the school lawnmower.

  I must have stepped on a twig. I ducked back behind the trees but Eliza had sat up. ‘Hush,’ she said to Rose. ‘It’s them.’ She reached out and grabbed her dress and got to her feet.

  I made sure I didn’t make another sound.

  Rose listened for a moment. ‘No, must have been an animal or something. What’s the time now?’

  Eliza checked her watch again. ‘No, not yet. Anyway, Portia’s always late.’

  Rose grabbed her hand. Nodding towards the lake, she said, ‘Let’s go.’

  Eliza held her back.

  ‘What?’ Rose turned round.

  Eliza was bobbing up and down, crossing and uncrossing her legs.

  ‘You can’t go to the loo now,’ Rose hissed.

  ‘I don’t need the loo.’

  ‘So what’s the matter? You look bonkers.’

  ‘I’m scared. No, not scared, well . . . I feel silly. This is silly.’ She gesticulated at her near-naked body.

  ‘It was your idea,’ Rose said.

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry but I don’t want to now.’ She sounded close to tears. ‘I don’t know what got into me. I’m not a naked sort of person.’

  ‘Well, I am,’ Rose said. There was a pause and then she said, ‘Do what you like but I’m going through with it.’

  Eliza started walking off towards the path. To scare her some more I took a couple of steps on the spot before crouching down behind the clump of bushes. Eliza’s steps hastened to a run. She called over her shoulder to Rose to follow. But Rose stayed where she was, stretching and pirouetting. Then she laughed and called back. ‘You’re such a wimp, Eliza Cummings.’

  With that she ran back to the boat and stepped inside. A moment later her hand appeared, holding the blue lace knickers. I watched as they dropped over the side and on to the ground.

  I looked around me but there was still no sign of Portia and the boys. I took a deep breath and stepped out from my hiding place. ‘Rose.’

  Her dark head popped up, her mouth open in surprise.

  I walked closer. ‘Don’t do it,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t do what? Anyway, what are you doing here? This is private.’

  ‘I know all about your stupid little plan. So don’t.’

  ‘Don’t what?’

  ‘Don’t take him. Don’t take Julian. You can have anyone. You don’t have to have him.’

  ‘Oh Sanders, don’t be so melodramatic. Anyway, you can’t take people. They either want to be with you or they don’t.’

  ‘Julian wanted to be with me until you started chasing after him.’

  ‘Me chasing him? My God, coming from you.’ She laughed her pretty, bell-clear laugh. ‘Don’t be silly, Sanders. And could you please hand me my dress?’

  ‘Don’t call me Sanders. Or Sandra. And you don’t know anything.’ I felt close to tears but I fought to hold them back.

  ‘Oh for heaven’s sake, Cassandra, you don’t think doing it with you meant he liked you.’

  I felt cold. Not ordinary cold but corpse cold. ‘You know about that? You know we . . .’

  Rose interrupted. ‘Of course I know. Everyone does. Now please go away or at least hand me my dress. They’ll be here any moment and we’ll look pretty suss like this.’

  ‘You’re lying.’ I walked closer. ‘You’re just guessing. Julian . . .’ I paused, drawing comfort from saying his name ‘. . . Julian didn’t want us to tell anyone until we were ready.’ I grabbed the dress from the branch, not caring that it snagged. ‘Here.’ I walked right up to the boat and stared down at her. She reached out for the dress. I pulled back.

  ‘Admit you lied.’

  Rose’s face grew sad. ‘Oh fuck, I’m sorry. You really like him, don’t you. Shit.’ I could hear the pity in her voice.

  ‘Don’t take him,’ I said again.

  ‘Oh God. Oh for heaven’s sake.’ She paused. When she spoke again her voice was low and perfectly kind. It was the kind of voice you employed when explaining something completely obvious to someone completely dense. ‘Don’t you get it? He doesn’t even like you. I mean, he really doesn’t like you. Look, Cassandra, I’m not being mean. I’m telling you so you don’t make an even bigger fool of yourself than you have already.’

  I think there were mosquitoes. It was early for mosquitoes but they were there, I could feel them all across my forehead.

  ‘Dress please, Cassandra.’ Rose put her hand out. She was beginning to look worried.

  ‘What do you mean, me making an even bigger fool of myself?’

  Now Rose got angry. She made an attempt to get out of the boat but I got there first and I kicked the side. It rocked and she stumbled backwards ending up on her behind.

 
She looked pretty silly sitting there, butt naked and with a surprised look on her face. ‘For Christ’s sake, what do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘What did you mean?’

  She got back up again. ‘Just give me a hand out of here and then we can talk.’

  ‘No.’ I gave the boat another kick.

  ‘All right, all right, you asked for it. Julian’s been telling everyone. About your special underwear and how you moan and cry and cling to him and how after the first time he actually felt sick.’ She stopped, her eyes widening as if she realised that she had gone too far.

  But I felt calm. ‘He said he felt sick. He felt sick after we had made love.’ I gave the side of the boat one more kick and this time she fell hard. I heard the thud as the back of her head hit the deck. I went up to the water’s edge and peered down at her. She must have knocked herself out because she was lying stock-still, looking paler than ever and kind of silly with the garland of flowers slipped down over her nose. ‘You want to be the Lady of Shalott,’ I whispered softly. ‘Well, you’re welcome.’ And I gave the boat one more shove. As it floated away I looked around me, listening, but there was no sign of anyone coming.

  I took off my shoes and tights and after a moment’s hesitation, my dress, and waded into the water. It was ice-cold but I didn’t mind. Instead I ducked under the boat and with the water taking much of the weight, turned it over.

  I didn’t wait around. Instead I got back on land and I used Rose’s white dress to dry myself off. I put my clothes back on and without a backwards glance I ran off into the woods.

  Forty-one

  I was in my cubicle, already in my pyjamas and reading in bed, when the screaming and wailing began. I noticed, with interest, that I wasn’t deemed worthy of having the news told to me until practically every member of the lower sixth and most of the upper sixth had been informed. It was Gillian Taylor who told me in the end. She practically tore the cubicle curtain off the rail in her excitement.