From the Dark

by Sarah Cole

  The drive back is pretty much silent as I stare out the window while Charlie drives down the crowded streets. It takes longer, since the weekend traffic is out in full force now, and there’s a baseball game in town. We are a few blocks away from the hotel, when Charlie finally breaks the heaviness that fills the cabin of the car.

  “Thank you for opening up to me, Jay. I appreciate it.”

  “Yeah, you’re welcome.” I say, still staring blankly out the window. I feel completely drained and empty.

  “Do you mind if I talk to Andrew about it?” She asks cautiously, lightly drumming a complicated rhythm onto her steering wheel.

  I look at her, “Of course not, Charlie. He’s your husband. But just don’t get carried away. I don’t want to have to explain the situation more than necessary.” I warn, even though I know she would never just openly talk about it to anyone else.

  “Have you decided if you’re going to tell Leni?” She asks, biting her lip, and I wish she hadn’t brought it up.

  “I’ve thought about it a lot actually, but I don’t really see the point in it.”

  “Why is that?”

  “What good would it do? It doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Besides I’m letting her know tonight we need to take a break.” I sigh, rubbing my face with my hands.

  We are at a stop light and her dark hair whips around, her green eyes flashing in anger at me.

  “Why the hell would you do that?” she asks.

  “Because, Charlie, look at me! I’m a mess. I don’t think I am capable of that kind of relationship again; one where I’m all in without hesitation. Plus, we’re leaving for Europe in a week or so. What’s the point in just stringing her along?” I ask.

  We pull into the dimly lit parking garage, finding a close spot when she says, “Ok, can we just pretend for like five seconds that you aren’t being a complete douchebag about this?”

  “What do you mean? I’m not being anything. I’m giving her what she deserves.”

  “Are you serious right now, Jameson? Are you even listening to the words that are coming out of your own mouth?”

  “Well, apparently, you are.” I mutter.

  “Yeah, I am, and what I’m hearing is you giving up.”

  “I’m not giving up, Charlie. I’m finally doing something right; something that doesn’t revolve around me.”

  “Right? You think right is letting her walk away from you? Wake the fuck up, Jay! Lennon Taylor is the best thing that has happened to you! You’re the best thing that has happened to her too! She had finally managed to pull you out of a funk that even I couldn’t do. I see the way you guys look at each other. No one else exists when you two are side by side. For being as smart as you are, you really can be an idiot.” She says as she climbs out of the driver’s side and slams the door shut.

  I bang my head on the head rest repeatedly.

  What should I do?

  Leni:

  I haven’t seen or heard from Jay all day, and that is ok, but my mind keeps defaulting to everything that was said yesterday. I feel like it is something we can work out if we just talk about it some more, especially after waking up wrapped in each other’s arms this morning. All we need is time.

  Charlie texted me a bit ago, and told me to just meet her in her suite to go over set lists for tonight when I was ready. Just as I’m nearing her door, I hear the sounds of her crying. I’m about to knock on the propped open door and let myself in as she instructed, when she says something that stops me in my tracks.

  “Abby was pregnant, babe… She’d said yes to his proposal after he begged her, and he had the ring and everything. They were going to announce it at a party we all planned to have, but then we got in that accident. Did you know she was pregnant when she was there that night?” She sobs.

  “No, baby. I didn’t. She never said a word, and we had no reason to check. It wouldn’t have mattered with her injuries; she probably knew that, sweetheart. She was a smart woman.” Andrew says, and then begins speaking softly. I can’t make out the words.

  My heart hurts for Jay and for myself in this moment, as I sit here like a voyeur. That type of pain is always so raw and fresh, but at least now I understand so much more about him. Deciding not to intrude on Charlie’s personal moment any longer, I slide the updated set list in the crack of the propped door, and make my way back to my own room.

  When I get there, I’m surprised to find Jay inside, standing at the windows, looking out at the river where site seeing boats putt along. He startles at the snick of the door latching, and his red rimmed eyes find mine.

  “Hey.” I greet him.

  “Hi.” He says, his usual smile nowhere to be found.

  “Leni, we need to talk.” He starts.

  “Jay, I already know.” I say. We were supposed to sit down and have this conversation today after their appointment. I will just make it a bit easier and talk for him.

  He just stares at me with equal parts confusion and sadness.

  “I just heard Charlie talking about it with Andrew when I was dropping off the set lists.” I say, and his shoulders sag.

  “That’s not exactly how I wanted you to find out, Len. I’m so sorry.” He sighs, plopping down on the chair.

  I drop to my knees in front of him. “Jay, its ok. You don’t have to explain. I know how hard it is to lose something like that. I can imagine the type of heartbreak you still go through with losing a child.”

  At my words, his body goes rigid and his head snaps up to me. The motions so swift, I’m knocked off my toes and flat on my butt.

  “What?” he asks.

  “I heard Charlie telling Andrew about Abby, the engagement, and the baby. I’m just letting you know I understand, Jay. I’m here for you.” I say, standing up reaching for him but he just ignores the gesture.

  “What the fuck could you possibly know about losing a child, Leni? You wouldn’t understand what I’m dealing with.” He bites, and I feel like I’ve been slapped across the face with his venom laced tone. My stomach rolls at the memory that’s surfacing in my mind like it was yesterday.

  “But I do know, Jay. I know what it’s like to lose everything.” I say, tears filling my eyes.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I lost my baby, Jay. A couple years ago. It’s what happens when you have a husband that likes to drink a lot and play practical jokes. It’s what happens when he trips his pregnant wife because he thinks it’s funny, and she falls belly first over the wrought iron coffee table.” I force out. The anger is merging with the sadness, and its creating a storm of epic proportions inside my head; one I haven’t felt in over a year now.

  With my admission, his face goes ashen.

  “Jesus, I’m so sorry.” Is all he says, bowing his head.

  “Me too. Now you really do know all my dirty secrets.” I reply softly. “But now, what were you really going to talk to me about? Because obviously, it wasn’t about what we just discussed.” I’m surprised at how calm I sound.

  The worst part is, my heart and my head already know. They already know, but I just have to hear the words out loud from his mouth before I can accept them.

  “Never mind, Leni. I don’t think this is exactly the right time to do this.” He says, but he isn’t even looking at me.

  “No, probably not, but we’re going to do it anyways because I think I deserve at least that much.”

  “You do, Len. You deserve the whole fucking world, but we both know I’m not the man to give it to you. At least not right now. You need someone who is strong. Someone who can protect you from this kind of hurt, but I’m so screwed up in my own head that I can’t put you first no matter how much I want to.” He says, and I can see the pain slicing through him as he says the words.

  “You’re right. I do deserve that, and for a minute I thought you were that person, but once again I was wrong.”

  “Lennon… I love you. This isn’t forever. It is just until I can
get my head on straight. I want to be that for you, but I know if we jump in now I’m going to hurt you, and you will wind up resenting me. Just wait for me…please.”

  “Jay, I love you too. You have no idea, but I love myself more. I’m finally ok with saying that. I can give you the space you need, but I can’t make any promises. I’m not putting my life on hold anymore for anyone else. You taught me that I’m worth more than that, and I thank you, but I can’t wait for you indefinitely. It isn’t fair or right. Take care of yourself.” I say, placing a light kiss on his stubbled cheek, and I force myself to grab my bags and walk out that door. The worst part is, he doesn’t even try to stop me.

  ***

  I cry. No, actually cry isn’t the appropriate term for what is happening to me right now. I’m hemorrhaging emotion. With my suit cases in hand, I asked the concierge to call a car. I managed to keep it together just long enough to fall into the worn leather backseat before the flood gates opened, letting the hurt flow out. It feels like my insides are splitting in two. I’ve been upset before, I’ve been broken down and at rock bottom, but this is different. I’m shattered. The only difference this time, is I know I will piece myself back together. It won’t be easy or fun, and it may take a long time, but I will not let this ruin me. I love Jay, and although I’m crushed, I am thankful. I’m thankful that he showed me what a true, loving relationship looks like, and set a new standard for how I deserve to be treated. I refuse to hold our last conversation against him. I know he was hurting, so I choose to forgive instead. I just pray that this is all worth it, and he can finally work out his pain, and find peace…even if it isn’t with me.

  “Ma’am, we’re here.” The elderly driver says, softly tapping the divider.

  I pull my tear slicked face from my hands to thank him, as I gather my things and he opens the door for me.

  “Can I help you with those?” he asks, but all I can manage is a shake of my head before I lug my jumbo-sized suitcases into the concert venue, producing my Voltage employee badge for security.

  It will be at least a couple hours before anyone else shows up for sound check, so hopefully that provides me a little bit of time to get myself together before I have to face Jay and everyone else I have grown to love. With that thought, another wave of emotion ravages me as I begin to think about all the friends I will be losing. Inevitably they will side with Jay, and I wouldn’t expect it any other way, but for the first time in so long, I finally had a sense of belonging.

  After asking where to find the green rooms, I make the trek down the dark hallway, my heels clacking on the tiled floor. The rooms are already labeled for the two bands playing tonight, and instead of heading into either, I choose door number three and settle myself into a small room with a desk and a few chairs.

  Feeling like I need something other than my current situation to focus on, I pull out my laptop and begin answering emails that I have neglected for one reason or another. Quickly I’m absorbed into my work and am able to block out the heartbreak, if only for just a few minutes.

  “Well, well, well. Long time no see, pretty girl.” A voice startles me from sleep. I must have drifted off without realizing it.

  I lift my head from my arm to see Cash, the lead singer of Bleeding Vengeance standing in the doorway wearing leather pants and a long, torn t-shirt. Even though the guy gives me bad vibes, there’s no denying his good looks. Tall with dark hair that he’s currently wearing in a buzz cut, and piercing hazel eyes, he looks like every girl’s bad boy fantasy. In my opinion, he strongly resembles David Beckham if he had a baby with a biker, just not as happy looking.

  “Hi Cash. What can I do for you?” I paste on a bored expression.

  “I’ll get back to you on that sweetheart, because I have a list and we should start at the top. Have you changed your mind about us yet, or are you still hanging tight with The Brady Bunch?” He pushes off the door frame and stalks over to where I’m sitting behind my laptop.

  My hackles rise immediately, but after a second’s thought, I decide this provides the perfect opportunity to try and get him to confess what they did. I may not be on the best of terms with Jay right now, but they all didn’t deserve all the crap they’ve been put through lately, so I’ll take one for the team and follow through on my promises. Showtime.

  I look up to meet his eyes again, “No… actually that’s over.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, things just didn’t work out, but still, I don’t think that we are a good idea.”

  “Oh, come on.” he pleads, plastering on a puppy dog look that should never be worn by a grown man. “You look like you could use a drink. Just one?”

  I make a show of my hesitation. I know I couldn’t be all too willing considering the outright hostility I’ve presented him since the very first time we met.

  “I don’t know…” I say.

  “I’ll be on my best behavior. Promise. We’ll just sit here and chat.” He smiles a devilish grin.

  “I suppose one drink couldn’t hurt.” I relent.

  “I’ll be right back.” He knocks his knuckles on the table a couple times, before heading out of the room.

  I quickly flip my phone over, ignoring the texts from Jay and Charlie. I make sure the recording app I downloaded, is running and the volume turned to max before I set it back down.

  Cash strolls back into the room, two glasses of amber liquid in hand and hands me one.

  “What’s this?”

  “A surprise. Just try it!” he chuckles, and takes a sip. The liquid sweet and smooth on my tongue.

  “Well that certainly isn’t what I was expecting. What is it?” I smile.

  “It’s a home brewed, hard cider.” He smiles, taking a long pull from his tumbler, and I do the same.

  We sit for a few minutes making idle chit chat about nothing in particular. I have to admit that he is surprising me by actually being polite, and not acting like a complete tool like usual. My phone begins to ring, so I get up to silence it when I feel the room tilt. Oh, shit. I stumble and fall to my knees on the rough, carpeted floor. I try and look at Cash, who is still casually sitting in the arm chair. Even though the room is spinning, I can see the triumphant smirk on his face. I don’t need to ask what is happening because even in my fog filled mind, I know. I just need to know why, and I pray to God, he keeps his hands off me.

  “Why?” I ask. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth, and I can feel my eyelids start to close despite how much I’m fighting it. I’m not even entirely sure my head is attached to my body anymore, because I can no longer feel my limbs.

  Cash stands, and walks to where I’m lying on the floor, and squats down.

  “Because I can, and because you think you’re so smart. Warren overheard Gordon talking about your little plan. Nice try, sweetheart. You guys may have dodged some bullets, but you’re going to lose the war.” He says as he stands, and picks up my phone, tapping the screen. No doubt that he is deleting what was recorded.

  He squats back down and runs his fingers over the scars on my wrists, and on the insides of my thighs where my knee length dress has inched up. I panic, but I’m trapped in the unmoving prison that is my body.

  “Tsk. Tsk. What a shame…Heartbreak does terrible things to unstable minds.” He says, pulling my limp body to his, and I can’t fight the encroaching darkness anymore.

  Chapter 17

  Jay:

  There’s a knock at the door, but I don’t get up. I just continue to stare out the windows, my drink in one hand, and one of Leni’s t-shirts in the other. It smells like her, and I know that is the closest I’m able to have to the real thing. It took everything I had in me not to chase her down and pull her back, but I know for certain that I don’t deserve her. She needs someone who’s stronger than me. Someone that can make her forget her past, not drag her down with theirs too. Even that knowledge doesn’t stop me from second guessing myself, and my decision to let her go.

  “Jay, are you in there?” Cha
rlie’s panicked voice calls as she pounds on the door again.

  I shuffle towards the door, and flip the lock before I retreat back to the armchair in front of the window, the room spinning.

  “What in the actual hell, Jameson? I had to come back here, and you’ve already missed sound check. We have to go!” she shouts. “You scared the bejesus out of me.” She smacks my shoulder.

  “I’m not going.” I mumble.

  “Oh yes, you certainly are, my friend.” She says, snatching the crystal tumbler from my hand and slamming it down on the bar top, letting the liquid splash out on the marble surface.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Where is Leni? I can’t get ahold of her. She just dropped off the set list, but didn’t ever knock or come in. I’m starting to get really worried.”

  “She left.” I say, my mind almost too numb to register the pain that those two little words bring me.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She left. I broke it off with her, and she left. I don’t know where she went, but I’d assume she went to the venue. She wouldn’t skip work.” I say, laying my head back against the chair.

  “You really are a fucking idiot. I love you, but I swear to God, sometimes I want to strangle you silly.” Charlie grinds out at me and I can tell she’s supremely pissed.

  “That makes two of us.” I slur, completely aware that I am one hundred percent tanked.

  “We have to go. We’ll figure out you on the way because you look like you got drug out with the trash and you smell like a barrel of booze, but right now we have to find Leni. I called Gordon, and he hasn’t heard from her either.”

  “I’ll bet she’s just mad at me and hiding out somewhere with her phone off. She likes to read or work when she’s upset.” I say, pushing myself out of the chair. I still can’t let go of her shirt I’m holding. Charlie eyes it with a sad, knowing look in her eyes. Yeah, I’m that sad fucker that carries around a woman’s t-shirt now; just add that to my list of issues.

  “Let’s go.” Charlie says, grabbing my arm and putting it around her shoulders so she can support my shuffling weight.