Still Thinking of You

by Adele Parks

  ‘Fuck!’ Jayne’s expletive echoed around the watery chamber, bouncing on the pool surface and off the tiny mosaic tiles, breaking the peace of the spa.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Tash.

  ‘Oh, nothing. I just stubbed my toe,’ lied Jayne.

  Jayne could see why Rich might fall in love with Tash and so hated her. Her collarbone was sublime, her tits were tiny but pert, and her legs looked strong and muscular. Jayne loathed her.

  ‘So, tell me how you met Rich?’ asked Jayne, picking up on where she’d left the conversation that morning.

  ‘Usual thing, a party. A friend of mine from work was hosting a “spring into spring party”, and Rich came along with my friend’s brother.’

  ‘Was that last spring?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh, you haven’t known each other very long, then, not even a year.’ Jayne thought it was unlikely that she was the first person to point this out to Tash, but she was determined to try to sow seeds of doubt wherever she could. She figured that if she threw them liberally enough, eventually one or two would take root.

  ‘Seems like I’ve always known him,’ mused Tash.

  Both girls fell silent, and the only noise was the hum of the Jacuzzi and a drip, drip, drip somewhere distant. Tash found the drip, drip, drip mesmeric and felt the tissue in her body slowly relax. Jayne thought the drip, drip, drip was deeply irritating, and with each drop her shoulders tightened and she dug her nails deeper into her palm.

  ‘They ought to get a plumber to fix that,’ she complained.

  ‘Fix what?’ asked Tash, proving to Jayne that she didn’t have very high standards of what was acceptable in a five-star spa.

  ‘You’re so brave. Aren’t you even a little bit worried that it’s all so whirlwind? Do you think you’ve known each other long enough?’ asked Jayne, forcing herself to forget the dripping.

  ‘What is long enough? How can you measure feeling by clocks?’

  ‘That’s very romantic. I must be a bit of a coward. I’d only feel confident if I’d known someone a good few years before I made the most enormous commitment.’

  ‘How long have you known Jason?’ asked Tash, with a huge grin.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t have to be shy with me. He hasn’t made a secret of the fact that he is mad keen for you, and when Rich and I came back from our sleigh ride last night I saw the two of you slip into Jason’s room, so I can only assume that the interest isn’t all one way.’ Tash grinned, enjoying gently teasing Jayne.

  ‘We didn’t have sex,’ declared Jayne. Tash raised her eyebrows sceptically. ‘I don’t sleep with men unless I’m in love with them. We just fooled around,’ insisted Jayne.

  Tash had come across women like this before, but they were usually much younger than Jayne. They insisted that sex was only sex if there was penetration, and they were prepared to do everything in the sack other than that final deed, in order to convince themselves that they were somehow more reserved than was truly the case. Tash thought it was a misplaced prudery that allowed women to swallow cum, but still say that they hadn’t had sex. Not least because they were often denying themselves their own orgasm. She decided not to say as much to Jayne. Jayne looked vexed enough as it was. Pointing out the folly of giving pleasure while receiving none was unlikely to put a smile on her face.

  What was she upset about? Was she embarrassed? She had no need to be. Jayne and Jason were single, consenting and well past their twenty-first birthdays.

  It struck Tash that Jayne was a peculiar cocktail of sophistication and immaturity. On one hand, she appeared to be so sorted, the epitome of erudition and the ultimate girl-around-town. On the other, she was like a little girl, diving into her mother’s wardrobe to dress up and play a part for which she wasn’t ready. She might live in a flat in Chelsea and drive around in a soft-top BMW Z4 series, but both the flat and the car were paid for by her parents. Her friends were her brother’s friends. And Tash could now see, as she was so up close and personal in the hot tub, that Jayne’s boobs and nose belonged to a surgeon, probably one on Harley Street. It seemed that Jayne didn’t have anything she could faithfully call her own. Jayne reminded Tash of a beautiful, hand-blown champagne flute, vulnerable and brittle. Tash was beginning to sense that Jayne wasn’t as happy as she ought to be, or as she pretended to be. She supposed it was the recent break-up of her relationship. That’s why Tash had been so pleased to see that Jason and Jayne were starting something up. If nothing else, Jason would provide a good distraction.

  ‘He really likes you,’ Tash assured Jayne.

  ‘Do you think so?’ Jayne scooped up the water from the tub and let it trickle through her hands on to her face. She couldn’t have cared less if Jason liked her or not. In fact, she was peeved that Tash had spotted her entering his room. She didn’t want anyone other than Rich linking her to Jase, least of all Tash.

  ‘Do you like him?’ probed Tash.

  ‘I was drunk, it was just a bit of fun,’ replied Jayne dismissively. She didn’t want to waste time talking about Jason. ‘Tell me, how did you know when you met Rich that he was the One?’

  Tash thought this enquiry cancelled out the declaration that Jase was ‘just a bit of fun’. She remembered asking engaged and married women the same thing, ‘But how do you know?’ Tash had hoped to identify the secret formula before she met the One so that he didn’t take her by surprise or, worse still, she didn’t miss him in a crowd of also-rans. She’d always found the reply to her question horribly vague – ‘You just do.’ It was extremely infuriating. Therefore she was determined not to churn out the same cliché for Jayne.

  ‘He makes my life seem more significant. Everything we do together, even the stupid, ordinary stuff, such as picking out microwave meals in the supermarket, is more fun when we do it together. He leaves me feeling gleaming, you know? Excited, sparkly. From our very first kiss, my existence took on a greater import. Clarity. I hadn’t even realized it was fuzzy until I met him.’

  ‘You sound really lusted up,’ said Jayne. In fact, Tash had described falling in love with a pithy directness that Jayne resented and recognized.

  ‘And the more time we spent together, the more I came to realize how compatible we are. We have the same values and priorities. Rich understands my belief that honesty is the foundation to, well, everything. Relationships, our sense of self, our sense of history and even our hope in the future. I mean, when all is said and done, our lives are just a series of stories that we tell, aren’t they? That’s why it’s so important to tell those stories as faithfully as possible because without that desire for sincerity we don’t exist. I’d tried to explain this to men before and they never got it or, if they did, they weren’t prepared to live by it. One hundred per cent honesty isn’t an easy thing to try to achieve. But Rich gets it. He gets me. And he wants the same level of integrity.’

  Jayne could tell her now. She could simply burst this stupid girl’s bubble by telling her that he hadn’t been 100 per cent honest with her. That he had an enormous secret which he was trying to keep from her and planned always to keep from her. So, far from this marriage being built on principles of trust, fidelity and honesty, it was already swamped in deceit.

  But Jayne knew that speaking out now was a risk. If she told Tash about her affair with Rich, Tash might not believe it; they had only known each other five minutes. She might suspect her motives, as well she ought.

  Or, even if she did believe Jayne, she might find it in her heart to forgive Rich. If Tash were desperate and determined to marry Rich – which Jayne assumed must be the case, and she could relate to that – then she would sweep his indiscretion under the carpet. Lots of women did the same.

  That wouldn’t do.

  The betrayal had to be absolute and present, rather than historical. Plus she needed it to be revealed to Tash by someone other than herself. Tash’s humiliation had to be complete.

  ‘How do you get along with Rich’s friends?�
� asked Jayne.

  Tash hesitated. Her honest response, ‘Varies’, was clearly not appropriate when Jayne had known them all for a long time; she was related to some, and sucking the penis of another. Was she a particular friend of Mia’s? Where did Jayne’s loyalties lie?

  ‘Mia can be a bitch, can’t she?’ declared Jayne, clearing up the issue of loyalty.

  ‘I haven’t really got to know everyone properly yet,’ Tash said cautiously. She never liked this kind of conversation. She really had listened to the advice her mother had drilled into her as a child: ‘If you haven’t anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut.’

  ‘I always believed Kate married Ted for our money,’ stated Jayne.

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes, my mother thinks the same.’

  ‘They seem very happy,’ said Tash, stunned at Jayne’s revelation.

  ‘He’s henpecked. He can’t form an opinion on his own any more. She has him tied so tightly. You must have thought the same thing.’ Tash wondered if she should allow herself a small nod. ‘And they are all terribly cliquey. They don’t really take to strangers joining their gang, do they?’ added Jayne.

  ‘I do sometimes feel a bit of an outsider,’ Tash admitted. ‘I don’t always know who they are talking about and, of course, they have so many shared memories that I can never be part of.’

  ‘And doesn’t Mia like bringing up their past.’

  Tash nodded. ‘But I think things will get easier, the longer we know each other.’

  ‘Don’t bet on it,’ Jayne said grimly. She sighed, then added, ‘Poor Sophie.’

  ‘Sophie?’

  ‘Lloyd’s ex-wife. It’s so sad. Lloyd and Sophie were so in love in the early days, but it’s my belief that in the end she simply got sick of being lonely in company. That’s why their marriage didn’t make it.’

  ‘What do you mean by her being lonely in company?’ asked Tash.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ said Jayne, looking directly at Tash, meeting her eyes for the first time since they’d slipped into the tub. ‘I never understood what Mia had against Sophie. I guess she felt that Sophie wasn’t a “fit”. It’s not as though Mia wanted Lloyd for herself. There was never a physical attraction there, not like with –’ Jayne broke off and put her hand to her mouth. ‘Sorry, I’ve been indiscreet.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, Rich and Mia, they must have been attracted to one another once, mustn’t they? He told you they used to be lovers.’

  ‘Not lovers, it was just a fling. A long time ago.’

  ‘I’m not saying Rich still feels that pull.’ Jayne paused and allowed her words to sink in. ‘It’s just people rarely take an unmotivated dislike to someone, and I couldn’t imagine anyone taking a dislike to you. Not under normal circumstances.’

  ‘So you think Mia dislikes me?’

  ‘I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to picking up on quite a bit of tension between the two of you. I haven’t offended you, have I?’

  ‘No, not at all. I agree that Mia has said some surprisingly cutting things. But I’d held on to a vague hope that it was nothing personal and that she just had some issues of her own, you know? I accept we don’t have much in common, but no one wants to think they are actively disliked, do they? And Rich insisted that there was nothing really malicious about her. I’d begun to think I was exaggerating the situation in my mind. Rich kind of implied that was the case.’

  ‘He would say that, wouldn’t he?’ said Jayne, delighted that she’d tapped into one of Tash’s concerns.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Their loyalty to one another runs very deeply. Very deeply indeed. Besides, if we are right in thinking that Mia does still hold a torch for him, he’s bound to have noticed. He couldn’t not have. She’s always hanging around him, following him to the pool hall, insisting he teach her how to board.’

  ‘Do you think so?’ Tash was surprised. Rich had never suggested that there might be a sexual tension.

  ‘Yes, and he couldn’t help but be flattered. Mia is very attractive. I’m not saying he’d act on it, not in a million years. He’s just flattered.’ Jayne reached out and squeezed Tash’s shoulder. ‘But there’s nothing to worry about. You trust him, don’t you?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ agreed Tash.

  ‘There, then.’ Jayne smiled, and then glanced at her fingertips. ‘I look like a prune. I’m going to hunt out the beautician and insist on my mud wrap now. Catch you later.’

  She pulled herself out of the hot tub and walked towards the treatment rooms, leaving Tash to nurture the seeds she’d sown. Jayne doubted that it would be difficult to grow some shoots of discontent. After all, she’d poured on enough manure.

  36. Après-Ski

  Mia, Jason, Lloyd, Jayne, Rich and Tash sat around the dinner table. They’d all already sunk a couple of cocktails while waiting for Ted and Kate to join them. They all appeared to be in an indecorously boisterous party mood, and some genuinely were so.

  ‘Wow, another delicious menu, and I’m starving,’ declared Jayne. ‘Can we just order, and Ted and Kate can order when and if they join us? All this lazing about in the spa has given me such an appetite.’

  For once Jayne was telling the truth, she was famished. Scheming had worked up an intense hunger. She considered her chat with Tash a huge success. It had taken less than thirty minutes to imply that Tash barely knew Rich, that the gang were intractable and unwelcoming, and she’d also managed to insinuate that Mia probably had the hots for Rich. Moreover, she’d implied that he knew that was the case, but hadn’t thought to mention it to Tash, which rather pissed on Tash’s honesty parade. Tash would have to be made of steel not to be moved to concern about one of those issues. Jayne felt she’d earned herself a huge steak and a large glass of red. She poured for everyone.

  Tash was not made of steel, she was made of sterner stuff. Optimism, trust and hopefulness. While the conversation in the hot tub had unsettled her temporarily, the very soothing sixty-minute massage which followed had allowed her to calmly put things back into proportion. She did not believe that Mia felt anything other than friendship for Rich. And while that friendship was at times a little territorial, it wasn’t sinister. She did not believe that Rich would keep silent if he thought Mia had ‘designs’ on him. He didn’t keep secrets from her. Nor did she expect people to understand the intensity of her feelings for Rich and was used to shrugging off the raised eyebrows at the speed at which they had decided they were made for one another. She didn’t care. They’d known each other for nine months, which seemed an eminently sensible length of time to her. It wasn’t as though they were getting married after a three-day acquaintance.

  Rich was feeling sick. All the optimism, trust and hopefulness that he’d carried with him since he’d met Tash had somehow morphed into fearful desperation. Christ, what was he going to do? Everything was fine when they were on their own, but he could hardly keep Tash holed up in their suite, could he? No, he couldn’t. He’d thought about it, quite seriously, and really couldn’t see how the option could be made viable.

  What the hell was Jayne playing at? Could she be serious about Jase? Maybe. And was that a good thing? Maybe. Or a bad thing? Maybe. Rich simply didn’t know any more. He did know that it was not a good idea for his fiancée and his secret fuck-buddy to share a hot tub all afternoon – not even in his wildest fantasies was this acceptable. He wished that Jayne wouldn’t wink at him like that. Nor should she address all her comments to him. He could not believe that when the conversation had turned to breast implants she’d confessed to her falsies and asked if he wanted to touch them! Like he hadn’t already, dozens of times. He knew those tits pre- and post-op – was that the point she was trying to drive home?

  ‘Go on, darling, squeeze. It may be your last chance to get your hands on a pair of falsies,’ she giggled. ‘Even if I hadn’t been in the tub with Tash today, I’d know that she was 100 per cent natural. No offence, Tash.’
r />   ‘None taken,’ grinned Tash, who liked her tiny titties. Tash refilled everyone’s glass. Jason in particular looked thirsty – his tongue was hanging out.

  Bitch. Dangerous bitch. Surely, everyone else had noticed those long, lingering looks that she threw him from under her eyelashes.

  And Tash bloody did touch them, didn’t she!

  She’d actually cupped his fuck-buddy’s tits. Not in a sexy way. Women could do that, couldn’t they? Touch and look at each other’s bits in a non-erotic, purely scientific manner. They had communal showers in the gym and didn’t get aroused by one another. Jesus, he was getting aroused. Even through his excruciating fear he could feel his cock shudder. This was proof positive, as if he needed it, that he had no control over his own tool.

  ‘They feel great,’ Tash had enthused. Typically complimentary.

  Jesus, this was blowing his mind. Please God, don’t let it blow his cover. Luckily everyone had had loads to drink and just seemed to think that the whole thing was hilarious. He didn’t. He wished Jayne would spontaneously combust, leaving nothing but those stupid sacks of silicon.

  ‘How’s Ted?’ the gang chorused in unison as Kate joined the table. Rich never thought he’d see the day when he was glad that the conversation moved away from breasts.

  ‘Well, the doctor says he’s fine. His ankle isn’t even sprained,’ said Kate. She slipped into a chair next to Lloyd and immediately gulped back the wine he’d poured her. She picked up a roll and slathered butter on it. She finished off the roll in two bites, then picked up a second. Only when she’d consumed that did she continue.

  ‘But I think he’s in shock. He’s very quiet.’ Kate turned to Lloyd with a look of concern on her face. ‘What happened out there, Lloyd?’

  Lloyd coughed, and repeated the story of Ted’s fall, yet again. This time, as with all the other times he’d repeated the story, he omitted the bit about Ted howling and insisting that he was ‘ruined’.