Still Thinking of You

by Adele Parks

  Rich was delighted to find Scaley Jase in the hotel foyer. It was almost as though Jason could sense when his friend needed him most. Rich shook his hand and leant in to hug him in a way he was pretty confident was pretty manly. Rich always felt easier with male–male physical contact in Europe. After all, Italian and Greek men held hands and it didn’t mean they were gay. Rich didn’t go as far as holding Jason’s hand, but he patted Jase on the back as though they hadn’t seen one another for weeks.

  Jase thought Rich was behaving like a man who’d just scored. He wondered if it was with Jayne or Tash.

  ‘I was waiting for you,’ explained Jase. ‘I’ve already planned a route.’ Jase pulled out a map and started to discuss the business of the day. ‘Let’s ride the Avoriaz to Les Croets route, to start with. Get over to number 49 lift, do the Du Tour run down to Proclou. Then, if I’m not dead, which I might be because that is a bloody hard run, pick up Seraussaix to Quemont, or du Barondown to Tetras. Whichever. Then you can come down Super Morzine, but I’m going to take the lift as it’s another tough run and, while I am fucking top on my board, I have only been on it for a few days. The estimated time is just thirty minutes, so we’ll probably take anything between fifteen minutes and four hours, depending on the level of injury sustained.’ Jason folded away the map. ‘Then we’ll go to a park.’

  Inwardly, Rich sighed with relief. He was so grateful that he was a boy and could avoid any emotional issue, if he played fast and hard enough.

  42. Rich and Jayne’s Story

  ‘Who are you looking for?’ asked Jason.

  Rich had performed reasonably well on the slopes and the park all morning, having only fallen twice, but clearly he wasn’t giving the boarding his full attention. He wasn’t being daring, he wasn’t allowing himself to become absorbed. Instead he nervously and repeatedly checked over his shoulder. He was expecting that at any minute Jayne would pop out from behind an evergreen and shout, ‘Surprise!’ Clearly, he wasn’t being rational. They hadn’t told anyone where they were. Avoriaz was enormous. She’d have a difficult job in tracking them down.

  Still, he couldn’t relax.

  ‘Let’s get a hot chocolate,’ replied Rich, avoiding the question. He checked his watch. ‘It’s nearly one o’clock, I’m starving. I think I’ll get a crêpe, too.’

  Jason and Rich found an eatery on the edge of the piste and boarded to the door. They clicked out of their bindings and firmly wedged their boards in half a metre of snow. They ordered a stack of crêpes and some hot chocolate.

  Jason, normally so effervescent, the reigning master of amusing small talk, had decided to remain stonily silent that morning. His silence was partly to afford opportunity to Rich, if Rich did decide he wanted to confide in him (and this was Jase’s hope), and partly because he was sulking that Rich hadn’t confided as yet. The technique worked.

  ‘I find myself in a bit of a difficult situation,’ said Rich as he handed Jason a mug of hot chocolate.

  They made their way outside towards a wooden picnic bench and sat down to munch on their crêpes.

  ‘Oh?’ grunted Jason, not turning to look at his friend, who was staring out to the horizon anyway.

  ‘It’s, er… Jayne. You know you were on about her the other day and you, er… you were wondering whether she goes like a train… well, she does.’

  Despite the seriousness of his situation, Rich couldn’t stop the flashback forcing its way into his mind. Jayne was pure fire in the sack, and years of taking pride in such lays was a tough habit to break, he grinned to himself. Jase turned to him just in time to catch the grin subside, and irritation shot through his body like electricity.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I’m telling you now.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’

  Rich didn’t want to admit the truth, which was that he hadn’t needed to tell Jason before, but now he’d discovered that Jayne was a psycho and Mia had caught them snogging, and there was a need. Even in his self-obsessed and distracted state he could tell that Jason was clearly affronted by the lack of confidence. God, if he felt slighted, Rich could only imagine the hurt Tash would register.

  He searched for another explanation. ‘It was awkward. What, with her being Ted’s sister.’

  ‘We’re all adults,’ argued Jason.

  Rich sighed and decided, due to lack of choices, to be honest. He thought back to when he first slept with Jayne and unearthed the reason he’d remained shtoom about his conquest ever since. ‘We weren’t then, or, rather, only just.’

  ‘I’m not following.’

  ‘It was a long time ago. It was legal and everything,’ Rich rushed to justify. ‘Just,’ he added. ‘I was a sort of birthday present.’ Jason looked confused. Rich struggled to make himself clear, but shame tore at his vocal cords and reasoning. ‘Do you remember she came up to uni for her sixteenth birthday, which coincided with our first year Summer Ball?’

  ‘I remember the ball. I can’t say I remember Jayne being there.’

  ‘No reason you should. Everyone was smashed.’

  ‘So you slipped her the sausage. Hid the long yard?’ Jason was trying to pull this confession into familiar territory. The pair were used to describing their sexual exploits in ludicrously crude terms.

  Rich refused to meet him on common ground; he was too uncomfortable. ‘I’ve always felt bad about it.’

  ‘Why? She’s fit. Nothing to be ashamed of.’

  Rich sighed. She hadn’t been back then. She’d been a plain-looking schoolgirl, not the sexy siren she was now. Suddenly it was clear to him. Rich knew why he had been unable to tell Tash about Jayne – he was ashamed. Not of the way she looked – back in those days any hole was a goal. But she was a schoolgirl. Just sixteen that day, and he had been nineteen. A man. Something in the back of his mind, then and ever since, told him that Jayne had not been quite ready. Not as robust and sophisticated as she liked to pretend. He’d pretended to believe her faux sophistication because it had suited him.

  He rubbed his hands together to try to create some heat. ‘Look, I was drunk. Everyone was. She was.’ It had been his justification then, and he held on to it now.

  ‘She did want it, didn’t she?’ asked Jason carefully.

  ‘God, yes, begging for it. Of course,’ Rich was offended. ‘What do you take me for?’

  ‘Well, then, no big deal,’ said Jase, relieved. ‘Everyone has to have a first time, mate. Sixteen is legal, as you said. You did her a favour. At least you knew what you were doing. Better than a fumble with some spotty virgin.’

  It was true that by nineteen years old Rich wasn’t exactly the splendid sexual specialist that he was now, but he had had several notches on his bedpost which made him the envy of his peers.

  ‘Is that why you didn’t want her here? Because of some ancient history?’

  Rich played with a promotional leaflet that was propped between the cinnamon shaker and the sugar bowl; it advertised heli-boarding and night-time skiing. Rich fancied both of these activities, so the leaflet offered a legitimate distraction. He steadfastly refused to meet Jason’s eye. But they knew each other too well.

  ‘That wasn’t the only time, was it?’ demanded Jason.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You did her again.’ Rich nodded, reluctantly. ‘When?’

  ‘She moved to London when she was twenty-one. She looked me up. She used the excuse that she was going into management consultancy, like me. And so we met up for a couple of drinks so that I could give her some career pointers.’

  ‘And that wasn’t the only point you gave her,’ sniggered Jason. He always found it mildly erotic to think about his friends’ conquests; he never analysed this.

  ‘We ended up in bed and then, er, well, have ended up there, on and off, ever since. It’s just a casual thing.’

  ‘A casual thing? A casual thing that’s lasted a decade?’ Jason stamped the snow from his boots. Rich couldn’t work out if the gesture
was one of pride in his mate’s antics or fury. It was neither. Jason was stamping his feet because he was cold.

  ‘Yeah, well, almost a decade,’ admitted Rich.

  ‘Shit.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Are you still…?’

  ‘No, no.’ Rich was quick to reassure. ‘I called it off when I met Tash. Once I met her I didn’t want any one else.’

  Jason wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. ‘So what was last night? One for old time’s sake?’

  ‘Oh. Mia told you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, I called it off, but Jayne doesn’t seem to accept that it’s over.’

  ‘Christ. She’s sore?’

  ‘Very. It’s not as though it was a relationship or anything. It was just sex. Strictly after hours.’

  Jason took a deep breath, and all this information, in. He was glad that Mia had misread the situation and that Rich wasn’t in the midst of a passionate affair with Jayne just days before he married Tash.

  Jase liked Tash.

  But then, Jase liked liked Jayne.

  He felt slightly sickened. How could Rich treat Jayne so casually, so disrespectfully? Jayne was lovely, intelligent and funny. She was also that scary thing that all men should avoid in casual shags, she was deep. Deep was one step away from mad. Mad was miles away from discreet.

  And then there was Jason’s main concern. ‘Mate, how could you?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Shag someone for over a decade and not even mention it to me. I thought we told each other everything.’

  ‘Sorry. Yeah. Like I said, it was complicated. A tricky situation.’

  The truth was wild horses wouldn’t have dragged a confession out of Rich if Jayne hadn’t turned up at his wedding party. His feelings for her were an ugly mix of lust and shame and guilt and fear. Not something he was prepared to share over a bottle of designer beer and a game of FIFA.

  ‘You are so fucking lucky, mate,’ said Jason.

  Rich felt about as lucky as the guy who had won a couple of tickets to see the World Cup final, but didn’t have a passport.

  ‘You’ve lost me,’ he sighed.

  ‘Well, Tash has to be the coolest babe on the planet to be dealing with all this, to have allowed Jayne here in the first place. You’ve really picked someone special there, mate. You lucky bastard.’

  Jase didn’t think Rich deserved to be this lucky. He didn’t deserve ten years of secret, no-strings-attached shagging with sexy Jayne, let alone deserve to have found such an understanding and foxy life partner in Tash. Rich was a bastard with women. But, then again, Jason was a bastard with women, too, and also one of the great undeserving. Rich’s story gave him hope.

  ‘She doesn’t know,’ sighed Rich.

  Jason was aghast. ‘But I thought you two didn’t keep secrets from one another. The pair of you are always going on about how honesty makes your relationship. I thought you told each other everything.’ Maybe not the snogging last night, Jason mentally conceded, but the history, surely.

  ‘Everything but this. Mate, I didn’t even tell you this, how could I tell Tash?’

  While Jason found this reassuringly flattering, he also saw his friend’s dilemma. How could Rich treat Tash so dishonestly, so disrespectfully? Tash was lovely, intelligent and funny.

  ‘Do you think Mia will say anything to Tash?’ asked Rich.

  ‘I doubt it. They’re hardly bosom buddies.’

  ‘Don’t you think so? I hoped they’d get on.’

  ‘Well, they don’t,’ Jase stated. He was amazed that Rich could have missed this. Clearly he was self-delusional. ‘And you want to thank your lucky stars that Mia doesn’t consider herself Tash’s friend and doesn’t think she owes her any girlie loyalty or honesty.’

  ‘You don’t think she’d say anything out of spite, though, do you?’ Rich panicked.

  ‘No. Mia’s too rational for that.’

  The guys fell silent. They were both thinking that the same reassurance could not be given about Jayne. Jason wanted to bolster his friend, but wasn’t sure if he could.

  ‘I thought she was OK with the arrangement and cool when I called it off. But, looking back, I wonder if it is coincidence that out of all the management consultancies in London she just so happened to end up working in mine. And just before we came away I got a memo introducing a new member of staff into my division. Guess who?’

  ‘Jayne.’

  ‘Correct. Give the man a cuddly toy. Then she wangles an invite to my bloody wedding. I bought all that crap about her needing to be here as she was getting over an ex because –’

  ‘You wanted to.’

  ‘Exactly. And then every time I turn round, on the slopes, in the hotel, she’s there.’

  ‘Right,’ nodded Jason.

  ‘Dropping hints, being indiscreet. She’s showing signs of being a…’ Rich didn’t want to finish the sentence.

  ‘Bunny boiler,’ confirmed Jason.

  ‘Exactly. And finally, last night, she tells me she loves me.’

  ‘Oh, mate.’

  ‘Exactly.’ Rich realized that he was repeating the decisive and certain word precisely because he did not feel either decisive or certain of anything. ‘What should I do?’

  Tension and panic had drained the blood from Rich’s face so that if it wasn’t for his ultra-hip black Salomon jacket and trousers he would be entirely camouflaged against the snow. His tan sat uncomfortably on his face, red blotches against a pale canvas, reminding Jason of a kid’s colouring book where splashes of colour are clumsily applied.

  ‘Did you ever give her anything?’

  Rich looked at Jason, unable to hide his disgust. ‘You mean like herpes?’

  ‘No. Mate, I know you well enough to know that you may not be too fussy about where you tuck it, but you are always careful to dress for the occasion. I meant like tokens. Letters, cards, anything at all that would incriminate you?’

  ‘No. No, nothing at all. I keep telling you it wasn’t like that.’

  ‘Then you’re OK,’ smiled Jason, pleased to be on sure ground again, pleased to be able to offer his mate a solution. ‘If she says anything to Tash, it’s her word against yours. Bluff it out. Say she’s lying. Say she’s demented.’

  ‘I couldn’t do that.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Well, she isn’t lying. And, more importantly, I don’t want to lie to Tash.’

  Jason didn’t want to be unnecessarily cruel, but he believed the situation demanded a certain measure of realism. ‘You mean you don’t want to lie to her again.’

  43. Alone Together

  Tash had woken up with a nagging hangover, made worse by disappointment when she discovered that Rich had left early to go boarding. He hadn’t left her a note to say when he’d be back or where he’d be, in case she wanted to meet up with him. She’d thought that she had plans of her own, but it was beginning to look as though they might not come off. Tash had stood in the foyer of the hotel, waiting for Jayne, for half an hour now, and there was no sign of her. Last night they’d agreed to meet at 9.15 a.m. to go snowboarding together, but Tash wondered if Jayne had forgotten altogether or simply slept in. She was just about to go and look for her when she spotted Lloyd coming out of the lifts.

  ‘Hi.’ Lloyd was thrilled to see Tash. ‘Would you like to join us? Kate, Ted and I are going to La Chapelle d’Abondance.’

  Lloyd was desperate for Tash to take him up on the offer. He knew that Ted was depressed and Kate was deceived, and as a consequence Lloyd was disheartened. Kate seemed to be aware of her husband’s profound sadness, but could not understand how a fall on the slopes had brought about such an air of melancholy. She repeatedly asked Ted, and then Lloyd, for a further explanation neither could nor would provide. Ted had agreed to ski, but only because he thought that they could ski at a distance from one another, using the open space to hide in. Lloyd couldn’t imagine the morning being that much fun. Perhaps if Ta
sh joined them the mood would be less edgy.

  Ted’s confession weighed heavily on Lloyd’s mind. He’d had no idea. Of course he hadn’t. He hadn’t seen Ted for months, not properly, not to talk to. And, besides, he’d been absorbed in his own problems. Lloyd felt a little ashamed. He’d called Greta late last night, hoping that she would offer some comfort or cheer. She did accept his apology for his call on Saturday, but she’d still been a little monosyllabic when it came to dishing out the sympathy towards Ted.

  ‘I think he should talk to his wife. He’s not being fair.’

  ‘Do you think I should talk to Kate?’

  ‘Don’t be foolish, Lloyd. It is none of your business,’ Greta had replied in her brutal, Austrian, plain-talking way. She had then turned the conversation to one about her setting up the video the previous night, but it recording the wrong channel. Greta blamed the video recorder for being too complex. Lloyd admired her confidence. He knew that in the same situation he would have blamed himself for being too simple. He couldn’t really expect her to sympathize with the dilemmas of his friends, not when she hadn’t even met them and they’d shown no interest in meeting her. At least she hadn’t blown a fuse that it had taken him forty-eight hours to call her back. Sophie would have gone wild about something like that. Life was easier with Greta. He smiled at the thought.

  Lloyd grinned hopefully at Tash. He could certainly do with some light relief, and he wondered if Tash was prepared to be just that.

  ‘You’d be doing me a big favour. Things are a little tense between Ted and Kate.’

  ‘Oh, why is that?’

  Lloyd stumbled, ‘Ted has been a bit stroppy since his fall.’ Lloyd blushed as he realized that he’d used the words ‘Ted’ and ‘has been’ in the same sentence. However innocently meant it was too close for comfort. ‘I think he’s a bit tender.’

  Lloyd felt mean portraying Ted as the archetypal man who couldn’t handle or admit to pain, but in many ways that was exactly what Ted was.