How to Outswim a Shark Without a Snorkel

by Jess Keating

  “Oh, you know,” I said. “Working hard, sorting shells.” I pointed to our growing display.

  “We had to learn what all of these shells are,” Ashley said curtly, settling back in her chair and crossing her arms.

  Logan whistled. “That’s a lot,” he admitted. “Pretty sure if it doesn’t have teeth, I won’t be able to remember its name.” He exaggerated a frown as Danielle reached up and poked his shoulder.

  “That’s because you’re obsessed with your sharks.” She giggled.

  Oh Lord, not with the giggling now.

  I glanced at Ashley and rolled my eyes the teensiest bit so only she could see. I was starting to see why Ashley had called her a two-face. There was something about her that seemed too something. Too nice? Too interested? Too sparkly? Why was she here so much anyway? Could she not bear to be away from Logan for that long or what?

  Logan continued. “Well, you must be doing a great job. I’ve heard nothing but good things from Patricia. You must be psyched for Saturday, huh?” he said, leaning in close so he could fake-whisper without Patricia hearing. It made his hair fall over his eyes exactly the way Kevin’s does that makes my heart go into a little spasmy-beat-skip thing.

  I fumbled with another murex shell and dropped it into place in its jar.

  Danielle kept yammering. “You guys should be so proud. Seriously, when I was your age, there was no way I’d be able to do something with so much responsibility.”

  There was a weird intense glimmer in her eyes as she spoke. What did Logan see in this girl anyway? Besides the whole porcelain-skin, Pantene-commercial-hair thing, I mean.

  Logan wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “We should get out of here, babe. I’m sure these two want to get their lunch.”

  “Bye, guys!” Ashley said, eyeing the door so Danielle would get the hint.

  Logan gave us a thumbs-up as he went through the door to the back room with Danielle in tow. “You’re going to be a great team for the kids,” he added.

  At least I think that’s what he said because I might have gotten a little distracted by the way he held the door for Danielle like a gentleman on their way out.

  “Thanks!” Ashley said. “I think so too.”

  Were we a good team?

  “Oh my God, that guy is hot,” Ashley whispered, leaning back to fan herself with one of the shell pamphlets. Now that Logan was gone, the super-chill attitude was gone, replaced with a fan-girly giggly mess.

  “Right?!” I laughed with her. “I think I see your point though about Danielle,” I said quietly. “She seems sort of…”

  “Yeah,” Ashley said smugly. “Told you. That girl is trouble.”

  I shrugged. “Well, she is if you want to marry him, that’s for sure,” I pointed out with a smile.

  Ashley bared her teeth in annoyance. “Sometimes boys make things a lot more difficult than they need to be,” she said haughtily.

  I thought about Kevin, and how even though it was possible he liked me back, it was still like trying to see the future through grape jelly to find out for sure or figure out if I would ever get to kiss him. Suddenly the summer seemed like it would be over in seconds, and the kiss pact deadline would be long gone. I’d be left behind as Liv crossed over into “I’ve-kissed-a-boy” territory.

  “No arguments there,” I admitted.

  Since when did Ashley and I agree on so much?

  Chapter 14

  Puffer fish are able to gulp huge amounts of water to blow up into a ball several times their size to protect themselves from predators.

  —Animal Wisdom

  Imagine if this was what we did every time we were afraid. Scared to do a school presentation? Puff up like a balloon. Afraid of getting your first kiss? Puff up like a balloon. If only life’s problems could be solved by acting like a puffer fish.

  I left the Adventure Zone a little early, telling Ashley that I must have had some bad milk for breakfast. But the truth was, the whole thing with Logan and what Ashley had said about boys were making me feel rotten. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to hide from something, it sniffs you out like a hungry raccoon in a garbage can.

  I had to face the truth. I hadn’t gotten any closer to kissing Kevin. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. Not that it mattered, because I was so not going to let Liv be the only one to kiss a boy this summer.

  But no matter how much I thought about it or wished for it to happen, my first kiss with Kevin wouldn’t happen if I didn’t actually do something.

  So how come I couldn’t force myself out of bed?

  Whipping my curtains closed to block out the cheery sun, I contemplated the chances of surviving the rest of junior high. I hadn’t even hit eighth grade yet and already felt like I was failing somehow.

  Was this why all those people in teen movies are always crying? Maybe the leap from twelve to thirteen is like jumping over an Amazonian river, where you’re not sure if you’re going to make it or be eaten by piranhas instead. It was enough to make me want to hide under my pillow until I was out of this mess called “puberty.”

  Which, for the record, is the worst word ever in the history of all words.

  Frowning, I plunked into my chair and turned on my laptop. Darwin, who had been snoozing with his head under his wing, grumpily shuffled on his branch with his feathers ruffled.

  It was time to take charge of my destiny.

  Or in the very least, Google how to do it.

  Hammering on my keyboard, all I had to do was type how to get a guy to and the autosuggestion came up: how to get a guy to kiss you.

  Huh.

  Maybe I wasn’t the only clueless girl in the world, if so many people are wondering how exactly to get a guy to kiss you.

  I scrolled through the links, clicking on the first web page. “Get a Guy to Kiss You in Three Easy Steps.”

  Bingo!

  “This is it, Darwin!” I said, my excitement buzzing in my fingers.

  I pored over the page eagerly. Maybe it really was this easy. A smile crept over my face as I pictured Kevin, dipping me in silhouette against a sunset for our first kiss with romantic accordion music playing in the background. But was it weird that I felt panicky? Even though it was just my imagination? That was totally normal, right?

  Step 1: Look good. Wear something nice that plays up your very best features.

  I stepped over to my closet, letting Darwin shimmy up onto my shoulder. He clicked his beak in my ear as I inspected my clothes.

  “Hmph,” I said, poking at the mismatched tops that hung limply on their hangers. Clearly I would need to put some more thought into this part.

  Step 2: Smell good. Boys don’t want to be close to you if you smell like smoke, or body odor, or have bad breath. Make sure you have a breath mint.

  I cringed. See, living in a zoo doesn’t exactly do wonders for your smell. I shower and stuff, but the smell of animals in the air tends to sometimes…cling. I didn’t reek like body odor or sweat, but what if I smelled like the sharks or something?

  Ooh!

  A light bulb went off in my head. I knelt on my floor and dug around under my bed, feeling for the cardboard box from Christmas. Mom had given me a spritzer of orange blossom body spray last year and I’d never found a good reason to try it out. What better reason than for your first kiss? I didn’t even know oranges had blossoms, but maybe these body-spray gardeners knew something I didn’t.

  I stood in front of the mirror and spritzed some on my wrists where Keira Knightley does it in those perfume commercials. I took a quick sniff. It smelled like orangesicles, but it was still super faint. Maybe body spray wasn’t as strong as real perfume? Better give it a few more shots. And maybe one on my chest. When I was done spritzing, I definitely didn’t smell like hippos.

  Step 3: Ask him to teach you something. Boys love to feel useful, so giving
them a chance to show off will make them like your company more. Now that you’re bonding, when the moment is right, you’ll know it! Lean in, close your eyes, and enjoy the moment!

  Hmm.

  I hadn’t thought of that. Kevin was always teaching me things. He’d even tutored me for our math exam a couple months ago. Could he have wanted to kiss me then? Did this rule apply when the guy is supersmart and is basically always teaching everyone?

  And what’s this leaning in business? How much are you supposed to lean in? In the movies, the girl usually just has to lean in a teeny bit with her eyes closed, and the guy shoves his face toward her and they kiss all dreamy-like. Was I supposed to open my mouth? That’s what the breath mint is for, right?

  But what if I don’t want to?

  Can I kiss him and keep my lips closed? Or would that be too much like how I kiss my parents? What if Kevin thinks I’m a freak because I don’t want to kiss him like that? Or does it even matter?! I bet he’s not sitting there wondering this about me, so how much of a noob am I?!

  Why is this so hard?!

  “Time’s a wastin’!” Darwin squawked in my ear. I shrugged him off to the top of his cage. He’d picked up that phrase from when Grandpa was here, always keen to start his next project.

  “Okay, fine,” I said, shoving my laptop away. “I’ll call him.” The fact that I knew this was inevitable didn’t make the moment any easier. Like knowing you have to go to the dentist, but still not being able to stop the clammy-palm jitters while you’re sitting there in the waiting room listening to those horrible drilling sounds.

  I will call him. I will set up a real date and we will kiss and Liv won’t leave me behind in the dust and we’ll marry brothers and everything will be fine. Easy peasy.

  Darwin chattered happily, scratching his head with his sharp claws. I wondered for a second if parrots made kiss pacts.

  I picked up the phone and dialed Kevin’s number before I could chicken out. I’d talked to him tons of times on the phone, so there was no reason to be scared, right? Just a first-kiss plan that he happened to not know about.

  No big deal.

  “Hello?” He answered on the second ring.

  Ah, big deal!

  “Uhhh,” I stammered. I smacked the phone against my temple a couple times, trying to focus.

  “Hello? Anyone there?” Kevin’s voice was light, like he was close to laughing.

  “Hi!” I yelled. Why did I always yell when I was nervous? “Hey, I mean,” I said. “It’s me. Ana. You know. Annnaaaaahhh.”

  Brilliant.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to meet up some night?” I asked. I turned my back on Darwin, whose little beady eyes seemed to say, “You are such a fool.”

  But Kevin was normal Kevin. “Oh? You want to go to the robot shop with me and Daz?”

  Gulp.

  I hadn’t thought that far ahead. What were we going to do? Besides, you know, hopefully kiss and not have me freak out about it.

  “No!” I said. I dialed back the volume again. “No, I thought maybe you and I could go to…” I darted a look around my room, looking for inspiration. Dirty laundry? Nope. Darwin’s dirty cage? Double nope.

  A pile of unread books stared back at me from my desk. “The bookstore! I want to pick up a book and figured since you’re supersmart there’s probably always a book that you want to read, so…” I trailed off, hoping Kevin could fill in my obvious, spasmy gaps.

  “Oh, cool!” he exclaimed. My breath rushed out of me so loud he probably thought I was blowing up balloons over here. “That would be great. There’s a couple new books I’d love to check out,” he said.

  I nodded, staring at my own widening eyes in my mirror. Breathe. “Cool. Okay then, so…how’s Thursday? I can meet you at the zoo gate if your mom can give us a ride,” I said. Thursday felt safe because I knew Friday was a date night thing, and I was afraid it would tip him off on my plan.

  When I hung up the phone, I felt good. Like I could do anything. Maybe this whole growing up and being mature thing was more about faking it till you make it?

  I stared at Darwin, who was bobbing his head like a maniac. “Ana banana! Closet banana!” he screeched.

  I clapped my hand over my mouth. “That’s right! Step two! I need clothes!” I gawked at Darwin in a panic. He cocked his head and whistled ominously.

  At least, I think it was ominous. Because the realization I had seemed to be accompanied with some pretty serious shock. There was only one person I could think of that would save me now.

  “I need Ashley’s help,” I said.

  “Ashley?” I ducked under the plastic tarp at the Adventure Zone and headed straight for the locker room. A bellowy noise grew louder as I poked my head around the exhibit. “Hello? Anyone here?”

  “Ana!” Patricia’s voice was sharp. “Get in here right now!”

  That didn’t sound good. I raced to the back room.

  “Patricia! What’s the matter? Are you hurt?” I cracked open the door, bracing myself for whatever was on the other side.

  But Patricia wasn’t hurt.

  Instead, she was surrounded by hermit crabs. And I don’t mean in cages either.

  “What the heck happened here?!” I leaped back from the door as crabs clicked their way underneath my feet. They were everywhere—under tank displays, creeping along near doorways, and skittering along the walls. Ashley was crouched on her knees, doing her best to scoop some of them up into a plastic bin. She glared at me with stony eyes.

  Patricia’s voice cut through me like glass. “I’ll tell you what’s happened,” she said. She gestured through the window to the back of the crab exhibit. My eyes widened as I saw the lock, hanging limply on its hinge. The door had swung wide open, with sand and pebbles scattered all over the floor.

  “Oh no!” I said. “How’d this happen?” I scratched my arms. Already the sight of them was making me itchy. I knelt down to help her gather them up one by one, trying to avoid the snippy little claws.

  “Someone didn’t lock the door before you left earlier. Ashley’s got them cordoned off from the rest of the exhibit now, but we need to move fast. It was only you in here before.” She held her hands on her hips. Her look of disappointment made my heart jolt. Behind her, Ashley was kneeling down beside a bucket, keeping her eyes on the swarming mass of crabs on the floor.

  Panic washed over me. I had fed them earlier, before Ashley and I had started to sort shells. Had I done this?

  Then I remembered the lock journal. Relief swirled through me. “I did feed them,” I told her. “But I know I closed the lock, for sure. I wrote it in the journal too, like always.”

  She shook her head, the lines around her eyes softening. “Ana, you can tell me the truth.”

  “It is the truth!” I rushed over to the red notepad hanging by the fridge. “See. Right here.” I pointed to today’s date where I’d signed my name under the crab cage exhibit on the list. But when I looked down at the page, it was gone.

  “Hey,” I squeaked. This didn’t make sense.

  I examined the page, looking for smudges. I’d written it in the red wax pencil, exactly like every other time…

  Patricia pursed her lips.

  “Maybe you’re remembering a couple days ago, Ana,” Patricia said. She sounded defeated, like she wasn’t going to believe me, no matter what I said. She replaced the notepad and wiped her sleeve across her forehead. “Come on. We need your help rounding these guys up.”

  “No!” I said. My voice was louder than I wanted it to be, but I knew I had double-checked that lock. And that I’d written my name in the journal.

  Ashley’s eyes darted to mine, then back to the ground in a flash. Too fast. Something was off.

  Wait.

  “It was Ashley!” I blurted. The words came tumbling out before I could stop them,
but somehow saying them made me realize they were true. “She took my name off the list and undid the lock. I know it!”

  Ashley’s mouth dropped open. But this time I recognized her fake innocent face. I’d seen it a hundred times before when she’d been trying to ruin my life at school, where her head tilts just so and her eyes open extra wide. I’d also seen it the day of my big reptile presentation when she’d tried to mess that up for me too. There was no way I’d let her fool me this time.

  My blood turned to ice.

  I’d been so stupid.

  Patricia swung around with fiery eyes. “Ana, that is a very serious accusation to make. Ashley has been a great help here, and I don’t think that you have any right to accuse her,” she said, punching every word like she meant it double. I stuck out my chin. There was no way Ashley would ruin this for me. Not this summer.

  “But it’s true!” The puzzle pieces snapped together in my mind, fitting together perfectly. I had to make Patricia understand. “She’s been trying to sabotage me from the start! That’s why those sea horses were overfed. She wanted me to get blamed for that too. And I was! She hates the zoo, and she’s been trying to mess things up from the very beginning! I know it!”

  Patricia’s eyebrows shot up. “All right, Ana,” she said. For a moment, I thought she was going to hear me out. Maybe she knew how Ashley had treated me in the past. But then her face darkened and she looked like my mom does in the store with Daz begging for video game money.

  “I’ve got enough to worry about today. This place opens to the public this Saturday. I don’t need any of this childish drama,” she said. “Why don’t you go home and take a break for a while?” She waved her hand in frustration. “Ashley and I can handle this. We’re almost done anyway.”

  “What? You can’t send me away,” I said. Yelled, really. Which I totally did not want to do, but why couldn’t anyone see through Ashley’s schemes? Meanwhile, Ashley was still staring at me like she was hoping I’d melt into the floor like a Popsicle.