Never Far Away

by Anie Michaels

  These were the moments that Ella hated. Knowing something was being kept from her and also knowing Megan had no choice in the matter. She tried to push back the dark cloud that had just stolen her sunshine.

  Chapter Two

  Porter

  No matter how many days passed, waking up alone in his now-too-big bed made every morning a constant reminder that he was still without her. The first week he was alone, he couldn't even bring himself to sleep in the bed. The vanilla scent, that had been somewhat comforting when he thought they would only be separated by miles, was now a painful reminder that what separated them was so much more.

  The last eight weeks were a nightmare and he sank deeper and deeper into a darkness that honestly scared him. Multiple times since the accident he found himself in his truck, sitting outside her store, waiting for her to walk past a window or walk down the street. Every time he caught a glimpse of her blonde hair, or her blue eyes, it calmed him in a way but also dug the hole in his heart a little deeper. It was bittersweet. Sometimes he wished he would lose his memory too. But then he thought about not remembering how she felt underneath him or how her hands felt on his skin, and he knew he would rather spend an eternity remembering for the both of them than spend one second not knowing their love.

  Reading her letter on the beach was the last push he needed to make the decision to finally go to her. He grabbed his phone off his bedside table and texted Megan.

  **How is Ella doing today?**

  It took a few minutes for Megan to respond, and he was considering calling her when she sent him a message.

  **She is doing well. I just got to the store and she is in a good mood.**

  **Great. I am going to drive there to see her today. I just wanted to give you a heads up.**

  Immediately after the message was delivered his phone rang and he knew it would be Megan. He answered the phone, trying to contain his aggravation.

  “Don't try and talk me out of it, Megan. I've waited long enough to see her.”

  “Porter, I know you think it's best for Ella to know about you, but I don't see how upsetting her right now is going to do her any good. She's adjusting well; she's moving on.”

  “Moving on? Megan, I love her. And she loves me, or used to love me anyway. Why do you want her to move on?”

  “I don't want her to move on, Porter. But if she hasn't remembered you by now, I'm not sure that she ever will. Plus, if she remembers you, she has to remember Kyle and frankly I think she's better off not remembering what that asshole did to her.”

  Porter took in a deep breath. He understood what Megan was saying and it was true that the chances of Ella remembering what had happened between them were getting smaller by the day.

  “Megan, I don't know how to function without her. It's killing me knowing that she's there, living her life, not knowing that I am dying to be with her. I understand she might not remember me, but why shouldn't I at least get a chance to get to know her again?” He heard her hesitate on the other end of the line and then she let out a deep sigh.

  “If my parents find out about this they will not be happy. My mom has done nothing but worry about Ella for the last eight weeks, Porter. I don't want to upset her even more.”

  Porter laughed. “This won’t be the first time Ella and I have kept something from your parents.”

  “Very funny.”

  “Listen, I am going to get ready and then drive over. So you can either choose to be there or not, but I am coming. I promise I won’t tell her what happened between us. I just need to talk to her.”

  “Fine. I will be here. I don't feel good about this, just so you know. I am agreeing to this under duress.”

  “Noted. Lighten up. Nothing can get any worse than it is right now. Not for me anyway.”

  “I know this has been really hard on you, Porter.”

  “I'll be ok. I just need her in my life again, even if we have to start over.”

  “Well,” she let out a loud sigh “You better hurry up and get here then.”

  “See you in a few hours, Megan.”

  “See you then, Porter.”

  Every time Porter drove up to Poppy he had to push back the terrible memories of the night of Ella's injury. The flashing police lights that lit up the dark night, the barricades that kept him from her, watching the ambulance pull away, not knowing that she had been in there, hurt and alone. He hoped that today, actually speaking to her, he would be able to replace the bad memories with good ones.

  He parked his truck along the street and then looked in the windows of Poppy, hoping to catch a glimpse of her before he went in. Megan walked in front of the window, a worried look across her face, and she was checking her watch as she looked out onto the street. He knew Megan was caught in the middle and he was sorry that this was causing her stress, but there was nothing in the world that was going to keep him from Ella now. He was so close and he made up his mind.

  He took one look in the rear view mirror, made sure he looked decent enough, and then got out of his truck and headed towards the store. Megan caught sight of him as he walked towards the door and he could see the tension forming across her face. A little farther behind her he could just make out Ella. She stood with her back to him talking to a customer. Her blonde hair cascaded softly down her back like a waterfall the color of wheat, landing right between her shoulder blades. His fingers ached to move her hair to the side to taste her neck and feel the goosebumps he knew his mouth could cause on her skin. He wanted to place his nose in the crook of her neck and let her vanilla scent permeate through him. He walked up to the door, pulled it open, his eyes never leaving the golden trail of her hair.

  “Hi, welcome to Poppy. Can I help you with anything?” Megan's nerves were evident in her voice as she made a lame attempt at treating him like a stranger. He gave her a sideways glance and mouthed the word 'Smooth' to her. She shrugged her shoulder and gave him a look that said she was giving it her best attempt. His eyes went back to Ella.

  “No, thanks. I'm just looking,” he said, perhaps a little louder than necessary. He thought he saw Ella's back straighten and her shoulders might have pulled back a little. She slowly turned around and he was entirely mesmerized by her movement. When her eyes met his, he felt as if a piece of his soul fell back into place. He spent the last eight weeks keeping his distance from her, watching her from afar, but to have her eyes locked on him brought him a sense of peace. Even if she didn't say anything to him or even acknowledge him, every dark thought or breakdown he had since her injury was worth it just to see her eyes and have her look at him.

  “Good afternoon,” Ella quietly and softly said to him. He fought to remain calm and worked doubly hard to keep his breathing even. Her voice, something he'd longed to hear for so long, was almost sweet enough to bring him to his knees. He reigned himself in, knowing that if he went all “I'm your long lost boyfriend you can't remember” on her, she'd think he was crazy and send him away. For just a moment, he was second guessing his decision to come here and see her. But then she smiled at him. Her smile was powerful enough to steal the air right from his lungs. Then she cocked her head to the side and looked him up and down. Her eyebrows scrunched in a little and he couldn't read her face enough to figure out what was going through her mind.

  “Hello,” he answered her hesitantly. How was he supposed to speak to her without letting her know that he loved her more than anything? He couldn't be held responsible for the words that might come out of his mouth. He wanted more than anything just to tell her he loved her.

  “Are you looking for anything in particular today?” She smirked at him, like she knew something he didn’t. He couldn’t help but smirk back and gave her a questioning look. Of all the responses he imagined happening when he was finally in the same room with Ella, this was not remotely close to any of them. He pictured her looking right through him, not giving him a second glance, completely unaware of who he was. In one of his imaginings, she miraculously regained h
er memory just by the sight of his face and ran into his arms, professing her love for him. In yet another scenario, she admitted to knowing who he was all along but had decided to stick with the amnesia story to avoid breaking up with him, feeling as though their relationship was moving too quickly for her. This Ella, the one sending him sly glances and smirks, was a little confusing and he wasn’t sure how to proceed.

  “Um, not quite. I was looking for something for a while, but I think I might have found it. Thanks.” He heard Megan let out a loud groan from across the room.

  “Megan,” Ella said without taking her eyes off of Porter.

  “Yeah?”

  “Please go in to the backroom and find the inventory reports from this week last year.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I want to compare the number of scarfs we have this year to how many we had at this time last year,” she said without blinking. Megan looked back and forth from Ella and Porter, her eyes darting between them. She let out a loud and obviously annoyed breath and retreated into the backroom. Ella started walking towards Porter, looking a little unsure of her next words.

  “She didn’t seem too happy about that,” Porter said, trying to fill in some of the uncomfortable tension that was flowing between himself and Ella.

  “I don’t even have inventory reports from last year. She will never find what she is looking for. It will take her about five minutes to figure it out, so we don’t have much time.” She was right in front of him now.

  “Much time for what?”

  “Porter.”

  She said his name and he was sure his heart stopped beating and started racing within the very same moment.

  “How do you know my name?” He whispered, shocked by the continual realization that Ella, his Ella, used his name.

  She pointed a finger up at his face with a new menacing look on her face. “How do you know who I am?” She asked, demanding information from him.

  “I am not sure how to answer that,” he said honestly. His hand ached and begged to touch her face. She was so close and damn it if he couldn’t smell her sweetness. Vanilla wafted all over him.

  “There is a coffee shop two blocks south of here. Meet me there tonight at six.”

  Confusion lit up his face. She wanted to meet for coffee? How was any of this happening? He looked back and forth between the stockroom door and Ella’s face. He shook his head, trying to hide a small smile. As if there was ever any question, whatever Ella asked of him of course he would give it to her.

  “Ok, but don’t tell Megan,” he said, glancing back towards the backroom.

  “So you know Megan too?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.

  Porter was so confused by what was going on, about how she could possibly know his name, but not know who he was? How could he answer her questions without breaking the promise he’d made to Megan not to tell her what had happened? Instantly, as if a switch flipped in his mind, he knew that he was irrevocably tied to Ella. If he had to go back on his word to prove to Ella that they were meant to be together, that was something he was willing to do.

  “We’ll talk later. I will be at the coffee shop,” he said with conviction.

  “Ok then. You had better leave before she comes back.”

  “See you at six.” He turned around and left Poppy, wondering how, after all these months of being away from her, it was possible to walk away from her again. It hurt physically. His chest ached, and his head felt light and dizzy. He had no idea where their meeting would take them or what he would have to reveal to her, but anything was better than being kept from her indefinitely.

  It was five minutes until six and Porter waited at the coffee shop, hoping that Ella would still show up. He also hoped that it would be just Ella, that Megan hadn’t gotten word of their meeting and decided to tag along to make sure he kept his word. He watched as people walked past the coffee shop’s front window, not really paying much attention to anyone in particular until one couple caught his eye. The man and woman walked hand in hand, both smiling and laughing. The man stopped, pulled the woman back into his arms, and said something into her ear as his arms wrapped around her waist. His eyes dropped away from them and looked down at the table, not wanting to intrude on their personal moment but also wanting to avoid the dark feelings that usually came over him when confronted with people happily in love.

  “Hello, Porter.” Her sweet voice flooded his senses and made everything in the room look brighter. Hearing her say his name again, as surreal as it was, made a little bit of his tension float away.

  “Hello, Ella,” he said as he looked up to her.

  “So, you do know my name,” she said giving him a questioning look.

  “Yes, I know your name and you know mine.”

  “Interesting, isn’t it?” she said, but then paused and looked towards the counter. “I’m going to get a tea. Do you want anything?”

  “No, but please let me get the tea.” She nodded at him and sat down in the chair across from him.

  “Peppermint, please,” she said with an unsure smile. He went to the counter and ordered her tea and smiled because he had learned something new about her; she liked peppermint tea. He brought the steaming cup back to the table, carefully set her cup down in front of her, and took a seat in the chair he vacated.

  “So, Porter, tell me how you know me.” Her eyes burned into his. She was looking at him so fiercely and he found it a little difficult to even form words.

  “I don’t really know where to begin. Why don’t you tell me how you know who I am?” He tried to stall.

  “I heard you talking to me when I was waking up in the hospital.” Her voice was small and quiet, and she looked down at her cup of tea, seemingly avoiding his eyes. Porter worked hard to make it seem like her words hadn’t affected him. And then he proceeded to run through his mind what he could have possibly said to her as she was waking up that had stuck with her that entire time.

  “What did you hear?” He asked softly.

  “I heard a man, you, tell me that I was beautiful. Then you kissed me and told me that you weren’t going anywhere.” She looked up at him, saying his words back to him, staring him straight in the eye. Her eyes begged him to confess, to tell her that he was that man. He was torn. If he opened this door, there would be no going back. He would never be able to un-tell her. For better or worse, she would know the truth. The decision became easy in a moment of clarity. Of course she deserved the truth. If he owed her anything, it was the honesty of what had happened between them. Whether or not she would ever remember, or whether or not she would feel anything for him ever again, he could never lie to her. “It was you, wasn’t it?” She asked him one last time and it shred the last piece of his resistance to tell her.

  “Yes. That was me.” The rush of her breath was audible and it made an invisible fist squeeze his heart.

  “You loved me. I heard it in your voice. I felt it when you kissed me.” She whispered fiercely, her words spitting out at him. “You told me you weren’t going anywhere, and then you left and I never heard your voice again.” She breathed hard and Porter wanted nothing more than to reach across the table and take her hand. But he knew now wasn’t the time. Mostly, he wanted to correct her. She assumed he didn’t love her anymore, but nothing was farther from the truth. His love for her was bigger and more encompassing than ever. It was engrained in him now, a part of his make-up. Loving her was just as necessary as breathing for him. He didn’t do it only by choice; he did it for survival. “Only that’s not true. I’ve heard your voice every day since. I hear your voice in my sleep, while I’m awake. I listened to every voice I’ve heard hoping that I would find out who you are. Now that I have, I can’t figure out if I am happy to have solved the mystery or royally pissed off at you for disappearing. I guess I am leaning towards the latter.”

  “You have to believe me that leaving you was never my decision or even my choice. I never wanted to leave you. Everyone thought it was in your b
est interest, for you to heal.”

  “That’s bullshit,” she said flatly. Porter laughed, glad to see she was still the spitfire he remembered.

  “I agree.”

  “How do you know me?” She asked again, with more insistence this time. He took a deep breath in and, just like jumping in a cold pool on a hot summer’s day, he knew it was going to sting and be uncomfortable but hoped the end result would be a relief.

  “A week before your accident, we met at my mom’s bar. You had come to the beach after finding your boyfriend with another woman and you were drowning your sorrows, so to speak. Your car battery died, so I gave you a ride to your rental house.” Porter ran his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out how to tell her what had happened between them. In all the scenarios in his head that included them speaking to each other she always remembered him. He felt pretty stupid that he hadn’t considered the fact that he might have to explain their relationship. “Anyway,” he continued, “after a few days of meeting up and getting drinks, I asked you out on a date.” He looked up at her hoping she would be giving him some sort of reassurance, but her face was blank.

  “And this all happened a week before the accident?”

  “Yes, well, ten days to be exact,” he replied.

  “What happened between us?” She pleaded with him through her eyes, begging him to give her something.

  “We spent ten amazing days together, falling in love, and making plans to be together.” He paused again, trying to find the right words. “When you woke up and didn’t remember me, or us, I didn’t really know what the next step should be. And I definitely didn’t have any say in your care. I had only met your parents because of the accident. They felt like it would be better for you to recover with as little stress as possible and to them that meant that I should stay away.” He looked down at his hands, mostly because he didn’t want to look at her face. He didn’t want to be telling all of this to a stranger; he wanted to be reliving it with his Ella. “I called your mom every day for weeks, trying to convince her to let me see you, that I could help in some way. I texted Megan constantly, trying to get any updates from her that I could.” He shook his head and looked back up at Ella and her blank eyes. Frustrated, he let out a loud and exasperated sigh. “Maybe this was a mistake. I should go.”